American Idol-Top Seven Results
After 36 million votes, we have arrived on results night. Which six Idol-ettes will stay, and who will leave us? But before we get to that, Idol has some business to attend to. Mariah Carey is going to perform, as is Elliott Yamin. We’ll get to your important phone calls and loads of other wasteful filler.
Speaking of wasteful filler, it’s the group sing. The contestants sing Mariah’s hit with Boys II Men “One Sweet Day.” Mariah songs are a potpourri of glory notes, caterwauling and melisma. Brooke and Jason’s laid-back style seems to get lost, and Syesha tries to over power David C but I am immune to her charms. And is David A wearing a Members Only jacket? What are the stylists smoking?
Hey Idol watchers. Have you voted for this season’s Idol coronation song? I haven’t even listened to them. I’m too scared.
For the elimination process, Idol brings out the tired, old, “Let’s mess with people’s heads and put them into groups” card. Jason is put into one group, and David C is put into another. Kristy “Simon is a butt” Lee joins David C.
Before we get to more results, we get the latest pimpmercial. The contestants sing “I Want to Break Free” in a piece that combines “Office Space” with puppets. Yes, I too, have wanted to break the shackles of working for the man.
Ever the trouper, my boychik Elliott Yamin sings his latest single, “Free.” At the end of the song he shows us something written on his palm. It says, “We Miss You Mom.” Is Idol trying to make my tear ducts over time? I’m so glad Ryan acknowledged the sad passing of Mamaleh Yamin. I miss seeing her in the audience. She was the ideal Idol parent.
Now it’s time for more results. Syesha joins Jason and Carly. And after Brooke dedicates her performance to vegetarians every where, she joins David C and Kristy. Who’s left? Ah, yes, the chosen one, David A.
Oh gee, more calls? But we did learn some fascinating facts. Kristy Lee hasn’t bought back her horse but he has a good home. Randy’s first records were Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, and James Brown. Paula’s first records were the Jackson 5, Earth, Wind and Fire, and Carole King. And Simon’s first record was Paula’s “Straight Up.” Children everywhere ask, “What are records?” What songs describe Paula’s relationship with Simon? Hmm, “Opposites Attract,” “Cold Hearted Snake” and “Straight Up.” Nope, I don’t want to contemplate that last song either. We also learn that Simon’s stable of critiques all lead to one thing; “your performance was horrible.” And David C is single! OMG!!!! Squee!!!! I wonder if he likes redheads?
Now it’s time for Mariah to sing her latest hit, “Bye-Bye.” Why must this nearly 40-year-old woman write songs like she’s still in kindergarten? With all the money it took to bedazzle her microphone and mic stand, Mariah could have bought an actual dress. She’s the Diva Barbie.
Finally, David A is brought out on stage. He is announced safe. Gee, aren’t you shocked? David C and Syesha are asked to switch places. Hmm, interesting. But David A is asked to choose the safe group. Shouldn’t this be played out by now? David A sits on the floor. He’s not choosing any group. Yea, that will teach them! We soon learn David C, Carly and Jason are safe.
That means Kristy Lee, Brooke and Syesha and bottom three. Just as she’s about to have a nervous breakdown, Brooke is announced safe. Syesha is also safe. Yes, that means Kristy Lee is finally going home. She couldn’t last “forever.” Maybe she can get her horse back. But watching her serenade Simon really creeped me out.