Advice for a young wife

[bonosloveslave]

I guess my thoughts on the 'priorities' are this:

Of course I am not a mom yet so I cannot absolutely know how things will be, but bottom line - if I am not in tune with God, I am not going to be the best wife or mother that I can be. Of course, if one of the kids starts screaming or the house is on fire while I am having a prayer time, I'm not just going to turn a blind eye and say, "They'll have to wait, I'm with God right now, He comes first!"

Young children do tend to have very urgent needs that can take much of your focus. I think where people get into trouble is giving ALL of their energy to the kids and having nothing left over for their spouse or God. If you cater to the children's every whim and your every waking moment is centered on them, your relationship with your spouse and with God will suffer, and then you're back full circle to not being the parent you should be.

It is the little things that establish your priorities, like being firm about having the kids go to bed at a reasonable time so you and your spouse can have quiet time together. It means getting up early in the morning, even when you are tired and don't feel like it, to read and pray. Again, I know this is all theoretical in my situation, but nathan1977 has it right with, "We will be in the house together long after the kids have left, so it's kind of incumbent on us to put each other and our marriage first. Best advice I got about being a father (mother): "the best way to be a good father is to be a good husband (wife)."

I am going to be a better wife if my heart is focused on God. When I love Him with all my heart, soul, and strength and nurture my relationship with Him, the other things naturally fall into their proper place.

And I understand that if you don't ascribe to all the 'God' stuff, then probably none of this makes any sense. I wonder if people think well, if God's gotta be first, that leaves 9 hours a day for Him, 8 hours a day for the spouse, and 7 hours a day for the kids. It's not about the time, it's about the priority. But 'priority' can mean many different things to many different people

Sorry for rambling

 

[u2bonogirl]

I think you just expressed my exact views on that subject bonosloveslave.
Its not like Im saying I would neglect my kids or ignore them. Im just saying that the health of my relationship with my husband and God must be good in order for me to be a good mom.
And I consider my husband as one flesh with me. Somebody I should consider before myself. I realize that in order to be nurturing to him I need to be healthy and happy so I need to make sure my needs are met, but beyond that I would rather say, make him dinner over doing something I would rather be doing like playing my guitar or something.
Thats a really bad example
But Im sure that all the women who have children are right in that my feelings about having children will change once I have them.
I just dont want to lose my time for my husband as soon as they step into the picture. I see couples here that have a very good balance between the two and their kids are so well adjusted its kind of scary

 

[hiphop]

I guess my thoughts on the 'priorities' are this:

Of course I am not a mom yet so I cannot absolutely know how things will be, but bottom line - if I am not in tune with God, I am not going to be the best wife or mother that I can be. Of course, if one of the kids starts screaming or the house is on fire while I am having a prayer time, I'm not just going to turn a blind eye and say, "They'll have to wait, I'm with God right now, He comes first!"

Young children do tend to have very urgent needs that can take much of your focus. I think where people get into trouble is giving ALL of their energy to the kids and having nothing left over for their spouse or God. If you cater to the children's every whim and your every waking moment is centered on them, your relationship with your spouse and with God will suffer, and then you're back full circle to not being the parent you should be.

It is the little things that establish your priorities, like being firm about having the kids go to bed at a reasonable time so you and your spouse can have quiet time together. It means getting up early in the morning, even when you are tired and don't feel like it, to read and pray. Again, I know this is all theoretical in my situation, but nathan1977 has it right with, "We will be in the house together long after the kids have left, so it's kind of incumbent on us to put each other and our marriage first. Best advice I got about being a father (mother): "the best way to be a good father is to be a good husband (wife)."

I am going to be a better wife if my heart is focused on God. When I love Him with all my heart, soul, and strength and nurture my relationship with Him, the other things naturally fall into their proper place.

And I understand that if you don't ascribe to all the 'God' stuff, then probably none of this makes any sense. I wonder if people think well, if God's gotta be first, that leaves 9 hours a day for Him, 8 hours a day for the spouse, and 7 hours a day for the kids. It's not about the time, it's about the priority. But 'priority' can mean many different things to many different people

Sorry for rambling

I can understand you better now, thank you.

I guess my relationship to God is just different; I don´t separate things like God and love. When I love my wife, or my kids - see, I am not at this point yet, because I don´t have kids, and not sure if I want any, but anyway - when I love, I am also worshipping God with this act. The family, marriage, those things are very much connected to religion, and generally it is acting in God´s will - in compare of having many different sexual partners, for example (which can also be acting in God´s will, if it is not a mere sexual act, but you share love and care). So if I care for my own family, I don´t need to get up in the morning to pray (but rather to make the kids stop whining and maybe coffee for my wife, once in a while). My prayer is the love I share. My prayer is making love.

Priority can mean different things to different people, I agree. Always depending on the situation...

 

[u2bonogirl]

Thats a good point.
I believe that in loving my husband I am in a way glorifiying God and trying to emulate perfect love in a way.

 

[boystupidboy]

I dont believe in god

 

[U2SavesTheWorld]

I sort of feel like I have fallen into a time machine when I read this thread.

 

[Palace_Hero]

I don't get it though, I'm not in tune with god as bls put it, yet I live a fufilling life and everyone loves me. I'm not questioning anyone's faith, it just always been strange to me that I can be so unreligious and not suffer from it.

 

[U2SavesTheWorld]

 

[Palace_Hero]

Perhaps that was a bit too 'Goal is Soul' for here.

 

[#1bonofan]

Know that sometimes you have to be willing to be the bigger person even though it kills you. That was a hard one for me. Always laugh it helps tough spots at times. Never give up on eachother. God is your glue. Good luck to you and your hubby. (My hubby and I will be married 4 yrs in a couple of weeks)

 

[U2SavesTheWorld]

You edited your post.

My was in reference to the first post, not the second edited post.

 

[Bonochick]

i dont think i will ever get married. i dont see myself putting a man first in my life. im far too selfish and i put my own needs before anyone else's.

for me it would go:

1. Me
2. Me
3. Me
4. Husband

 

[Palace_Hero]

You edited your post.

My was in reference to the first post, not the second edited post.

Yeah, I elaborated because I could see how my original could be misunderstood. Happens alot to me.

 

[nbcrusader]

Make sure it is God first, spouse second, kids third, and everything else comes after that.

15+ years of marriage here - I'd say this is the right order.


As has been said many times, communication is key. Especially on the more difficult topics (money, sex, children).

While not one for self promotion, check out this thread for some other bits and pieces.

And bravo for asking the question. You and your husband should find mentors - people who are 5-15 years ahead of you in life to talk to and learn from.

 

[nbcrusader]

And to clarify on the hierarchy questions, I believe I need to be a good husband before I can be a good father. If our marriage is strong, our mutual ability to parent our children is strengthened.

 

[Palace_Hero]

I think it is awful personally for anyone to put either god or a spouse bfore their own children. Flesh and blood is stronger than marriage and faith. But that is just an opinion, but a sad one.

 

[u2bonogirl]

thanks nbcrusader and #1bonofan

We're both sort of solitary people that can spend ridiculous amounts of time together without interacting with anybody
So we needed to make the conscious effort to make sure we get out and have friends we can talk to about life and marriage.
Tonight we're going out with some friends that are older than both of us. Somehow though, whenever we get together Tim and I always end up helping them through their marital problems...not the other way around
Maybe they're just secretly trying to teach us how to fight fairly

 

[meegannie]

I'm clucky.

I do have a problem with assigning a heirarchy to those we love. I have a problem with people placing an idea or a faith of something intangible and unseen which exists only within, above the flesh and blood we give birth to. Children ARE us. How can they be nothing but the most amazing miracle, we as mere humans, will ever witness? For those who dont ever have kids, the balance is worked out with whomever. Once children come into the picture, everything changes. And to be honest, I think those who still place a partner and faith above very real little miracles made by ourselves are...I dont know. I dont understand. I have seen this sentiment expressed before in this forum and I simply do not understand how anythnig can go above what a child is. Partners must always be incredibly important while love lives on. But your children are a part of you, even if they die. They never leave being the unmeasurable part of you that fills and completes you.

 

[u2bonogirl]

Arent hens manless?

 

[meegannie]

 

[u2bonogirl]

I thought the hen and chick picture was to point out that the mother was devoting herself to her babies....I was just thinking that hens dont have male partners do they? I feel so dumb...dont the eggs like...fertilize themselves or something?

Then again. What the heck are the roosters there for?

 

[Laird/Bono]

I'm 43 and have been married to the same wonderfull woman for 20 years. We've shared the joy of the good and the burden of the bad. The best advice I could give is to accept each other... "as is."
Imposing ones will on another soul is both wrong AND counter productive in ANY relationship. Just love each other, that's all. The same things you notice drive you crazy now... will be the same things you would miss terribly without this person in your life.
Like The Beatles said; "All You Need Is Love."..... The REST works itself out as you go along. So sayeth Laird

 

[meegannie]

I thought the hen and chick picture was to point out that the mother was devoting herself to her babies....I was just thinking that hens dont have male partners do they? I feel so dumb...dont the eggs like...fertilize themselves or something?

Then again. What the heck are the roosters there for?

I posted the chicken picture because Angela Harlems post made me want to have babies (I was making a reference to the word "clucky"). Chickens reproduce sexually. They lay eggs without roosters, but a hen must mate with a rooster in order for an egg to become fertilized. The eggs in a grocery store won't hatch into chicks because they're unfertilized since hens aren't (usually!) kept with roosters unless they're being bred.

 

[u2bonogirl]

Gotcha
Have you ever gotten one of the eggs that is partially developed Its so terrible!

So Laird. Youre telling me that in his 60's Tim will still be trying to talk to me about politics?

 

[meegannie]

Blood in scrambled eggs is definitely not appealing. I actually new a girl once who prefered those eggs.

 

[starsforu2]

So Laird. Youre telling me that in his 60's Tim will still be trying to talk to me about politics?

 

[u2bonogirl]

You shouldnt spit at your wife

At least when youre sticking your tongue out at me youre not talking about politics


Nah, I dont really mind. I got prepped for this by my dad....and rush limbaugh

 

[U2@NYC]

Simplest advice: burn those statistics about divorces in the U.S. and simply love one another...

On the note about prioritizing children or spouses, you will have a clearer picture when you eventually have children. For now, prioritizing makes no sense... and there is no need. Just build this wonderful relationship one step at a time.

Good luck to you both!

 

[Laird/Bono]

Gotcha
Have you ever gotten one of the eggs that is partially developed Its so terrible!

So Laird. Youre telling me that in his 60's Tim will still be trying to talk to me about politics?

That depends on if you LISTEN or WAIT FOR YOUR TURN TO TALK. (When having conversation on ANY subject... even if you're NOT interested in it.)

 

[Angela Harlem]

And to clarify on the hierarchy questions, I believe I need to be a good husband before I can be a good father. If our marriage is strong, our mutual ability to parent our children is strengthened.

I reckon you need to be a good person to know how to raise a child to be a good person too. And that isn't always fullproof, but it helps. Do you know any inspirational and brilliant single parents? I do. They show that you dont need to necessarily be a good wife or husband first.

I'm still unclear on how you guys do this. Sorry, bls. What makes me know that my children are without a doubt the most important is not through the hours they seek from me every single day. It's not knowing that they need nappy changes which cannot wait, or that when they fall over they need comforting in an instant. It's not the daily ongoing needs which they drain energy from. It's not weighing up who gets more of my time in a day which determines who is most important. That only means who is most pressing. I know that mine are happy and that I have a husband who doesn't feel neglected. I also get 'me' time. What changes with them is knowing that I simply could not live without them. I would, if god forbid, something happened, but I feel that I cannot. That doesn't mean that I dont feel the same about my husband. But he is not my flesh and blood. He is my best friend and companion. He is my personal diary. He's not what children are. I guess the best way I can sum up how I worked this out is knowing that they are the ones I would go furthest for in this life. They are the ones I pretty much have no boundary on. Whatever it takes, will be done without question for them. I, like anyone, have a long list of important and loved people in my life. My own family, his family, our shared family, my friends. You guys would be the same with the addition of God to that list. In your ways of doing this, does this mean that what you'd do for God and your partners exceeds what you do for your children? If some ridiculous scenario could paint this properly, they (God and the partner) are the ones who will take that bit extra from you, before your kids?