u2bonogirl said:
I guess Im willing to make the leap and put my trust in my marriage.
Okay I'm going to sound like a total idiot here but I've just seen it happen too many times to not be able to say this. You know that Tim is a great guy and all; I just worry that if the relationship turns sour (and by sour I mean really bad, like abuse, whether physical or emotional) that you'll stay, hoping that "it'll get better". You seem too level-headed to fall into this twisted thinking, so this post isn't necessarily just for you, but for anyone who reads it. I used to work with a gal who had a husband that was out of control, but because he was never violent
with her, she stayed. Not only did she stay, she decided that if they had a baby together that the marriage would get better. (He lied to her, he cheated on her, he ruined her credit by writing bad checks for everything - and those are just the highlights.) She sought counseling while she was about 3 months pregnant from a Catholic priest, who told her to leave her husband. A CATHOLIC priest told her to get a divorce - WHILE she was pregnant, that's how bad it was. But nope, she stayed, had the baby, and the last I heard this loser was having violent fits in front of the baby, which included throwing steak knives around in the air. And she talked about it at work like she had just tried a new recipe she'd found in Better Homes & Gardens or something. She really didn't think it was a problem. <<ugh>> I get so riled up when I remember that. Anyway. On to happier thoughts.
The best advice I can give is to laugh. Laugh with each other, and laugh often. My honey and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4 of those years. He's a twice-a-year Catholic (goes to church Xmas and Easter), I'm still on a spiritual journey of my own (I guess you call it agnostic?), so God doesn't play a whole heck of a lot of a big role in our lives to be perfectly honest, but I've no doubt that laughter would be an essential for a faith-centered marriage as well. An example: Once I was just having a terrible day. Nothing went right at work, stress was building up, I had to make a phone call to someplace (don't remember exactly what) but I had to do it before they closed at 5:00 or something. When I got through to the place I was calling, I didn't pay attention to what was going on and I ended up stepping barefoot on wet cat food. UGH! I could have just exploded or broken down at that moment, but luckily my husband was there, and he just laughed. He was kind of laughing
at me, yes, but then I looked down at my foot and realized how ridiculous it looked with squishy wet food all between my toes, and I had to laugh myself. And now I don't remember specifics of what happened on that bad day; only that I was able to laugh at my problems. It's helped me not to take myself too seriously - something I think contributes to a successful relationship.
The other thing I'd like to add is that I'm not afraid to put myself first, and I demand that Mr. LG put himself first as well. Now this isn't to mean that we're selfish; it's more of a health issue. Nothing comes before my mental and physical health. The line of thinking is just like how you hear airlines saying "In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Be sure to secure your own mask before helping others." I've realized that I cannot be of good use to anybody unless I've got my own ducks in a row. It's this line of thinking that allows me to serve others much more, because I know that I'm helping because I am willing and able to - and not sacrificing my health or my sanity hoping to earn some karma brownie points or something. I hope that makes sense!
I absolutely agree with meegannie - there is no "one size fits all" policy for marriage. I have no doubt that you and Tim will find the right path for the both of you, and that you will have a beautiful, happy, and blessed marriage.
Oh yeah - fights clean and sex dirty. Yep.
Although if you don't fight all that much (like me and Mr. LG), you've got much more time for the dirty sex.
As a matter of fact, there's something I gotta go do right now...
That works for some marraiges, though (adhering to traditional gender roles, not insanity!). I just don't think that being a "wife" or a "husband" necessitates a shift in personality or the role you play in a relationship. Being a "wife" to me is the same as being myself. Nothing changed when I got married other than my name and immigration status.
