A Man Walks Into A Bar....

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MsGiggles

War Child
Joined
Mar 30, 2005
Messages
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Everyone knows at least one "man walks into a bar" joke. So what's yours?


A man walks into a bar
He hears a voice saying hello there, you look good today, nice shoes
He turns around and nobody is there
He asks the bartender did you hear that?
Bartender says yeah it's the peanuts, they're complimentary :D
 
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."
 
A Catholic joke, a Jewish joke and a musicians' joke...



Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew walk into a bar. The Frenchman says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have wine." The German says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have beer." The Jew says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
 
A man walks into a bar and sees, standing next to the bartender, this giant gorilla. So the man, he sits at the bar, orders a drink, and says, "What's with the gorilla?" The bartender says, "Watch." Then he begins to start, like, hitting the gorilla. And the gorilla, he bends over and gives the bartender a blow job! When they're finished the bartender turns to the man and says, "Wanna try?"
"Sure!" says the man, "Just don't hit me so hard!".
 
A man walks into a pub and took place at the bar. Suddenly someone shouted, 78 and the croud started to laugh. Another mans shouted 45 and the people started to laugh again. This went on a couple of minutes and the man decided to ask the bartender why all the people start laughing when someone shouts a number. Well, the bartender said, we are so tired to tell the same old jokes over and over again that we did numbered them.

Suddenly someone shouted, 143 and it was quite for a second and than everyone started to laugh so the man asked the bartender, why did they laugh so late ? The bartender, 143 is a new joke, we did not get it right away.
 
Horse walks into a Bar and Bartender says Why the Long Face.....


:reject:
 
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!".. :nerd:

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home." :reject:


A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?" :lmao:!!!!
 
susan:ohmy: :wave::hug:


how about this one....

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?” The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”
 
Dismantled said:
susan:ohmy: :wave::hug:


how about this one....

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?” The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

I love this one :laugh: :laugh:
 
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"







A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
 
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