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Old 05-12-2005, 04:45 PM   #1
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When is enough enough??

So I just got off the phone with a dear friend. Husband has lost his job. Again. He is 40 years old and this has been his pattern since long before I was in their wedding 8 years ago. He's caught in a cycle of defeatism and depression. She makes nothing but excuses and wont' hear tell of "you know, if EVERY job he's ever had, he's lost because he's mouthy, the problem is not with every one else." Meanwhile, this intelligent, sensitive, capable, educated woman who has so much going for her is packing herself, their three cats and her 40 year old husband up to move back in with her mother. Again.

How does this happen? I am so pissed off for her I could scream. I like him because that's partof the Best Friend Contract, you know? He's fun to be with and affectionate. But this is a man who would not ever LOOK for a 2nd job when she put off finishing her MA so she could work at Pet Smart in addition to her full time job. He wants his band. He wants that Great RAdio Job. Meanwhile, she struggles and suffers and works her ass off, and keeps all the anger and fear I know she's feeling inside.

At what point does she say ENOUGH?

The personal is the political, as they say, and I thought this might resonate with some folks, so I thought I'd post it. Plus, as I said, I'm so pissed off for her I want to hand deliver divorce papers and tell him, when he grows up, he can maybe date her again. LOL.

Thoughts? Discussion?
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Old 05-12-2005, 08:52 PM   #2
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I know how you feel, I am going through the same thing with my sister She is always making excuses for his sorry ass, He's controling, he doesn't give a damn about anybody but himself, he's always out drinking with his friends or in jail, or in Mexico(where he's from)for 8 months at a time. He never helps her with their three kids(money or other wise) he makes fun of her a lot. He is so posessive that he tore up a picture of her and Larry(that was taken before she even met him) because it was of her and another man and she put up with it she can't do anything she want's to do everything has to be his way!
the SOB is in jail Again,and again she's waiting on his no good sorry ass but at least now I get to spend time with her and the kids, he tells her who she can and can't talk to. He even has a baby with another woman.
I get so mad at her, itpisses me off to no end that she would let herself and her kids be treated like that,and when I try to talk to her about it she get mad and says I'm Racist I tell her....I wouldn't give a flying fuck if he was purple He's still an asshole and she can do better!!!!but she won't listen, there have been times where I have thought about cutting all ties, but she is too much a part of me, I couldn't do that to her, the kids or myself.
I could go on but I've bitched enough ..... for now
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:46 PM   #3
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It's a tough subject and I think a lot of us have stood by and watched our friends get involved in relationships with 'the wrong person'. Perhaps these women feel that there is no way out of the relationship (kids, money, religion...) and that toughing it out is the only way.

It's important to remember that not all forms of domestic abuse is physical. It can be mental and verbal and just as damaging to a person's spirit. You might want to see if there is any sort of (marriage) counselling available to them.

Good luck they are lucky to have you as friend and sister
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Old 05-14-2005, 07:54 PM   #4
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I agree with Fah. My mother spent a lot of time with a no-good for nuthin man. She recently told me once, "I used to think there was no way out of it, which made me even more depressed and unwilling to do anything about it. My family and friends who told me to leave him, didn't help, only made me feel worse about myself."
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Old 05-14-2005, 10:04 PM   #5
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Having dealt with my best friend finally leaving the arrogant asshole she married - only to return to him less than 4 months later! - I have to tell you Sherry, the sad thing is this: sometimes you have to face facts that the person you love is an idiot. Now that's harsh and overly simplifies things, but when a certain pattern repeats itself over & over again, either: A) your person is mentally uncapable of seeing the situation (which isn't likely), or B) they like things just the way they are. The drama, the "bad" attention (generally in the form of pity), the delusion that she and she alone (cause it's almost always the woman) can turn that man around & make him into a model citizen with her undying love and support. Which is absolute BULLSHIT.

We women are caregivers by nature. Unfortunately, we often let that part of our hardwiring override the massive amounts of common sense the Good Lord gave us. YOU CANNOT change another human being - they can change FOR you if they're so inclined, but if not you're out of luck.

You don't HAVE to like your friend's/sister's/mom's boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/whatever! And you can maintain a relationship while distancing yourself from the significant other... Unless your friend lets the significant other isolate her from everyone else. And if that happens, there really isn't much you can do except be there for her when you do finally get that call saying that she wants help and will you be willing to talk to her?
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