What should I say?

[kellyahern]

A friend from college sent my sister and I an e-mail after my sister had invited her to get together with us and another friend from college this weekend:

"I honestly do have plans for this weekend, I am not blowing you off. But I do feel that I should tell you how I feel. I think it's silly that we have this facade of a long-term friendship. The last time we got together was on Christmas to briefly exchange gifts and eat out.

I'm not angry, I just think that we've moved apart because we never do anything together, never email or call one another. Our interests are not even the same anymore. I feel that we should go our separate ways now. I wish you both the best."


it's just weird that this came out totally out of the blue

Yes, we don't talk to each other as often as we used to, but we are all adults now who have jobs and other commitments and live in different cities. And we do send e-mails, not every week, but when we have something to say. We also have invited her to get together a few times but she has had other committments.

I just don't know what to say in response She goes through weird "moods" sometimes, but this is just really

 

[bonosloveslave]

Sorry, that's pretty sucky - but I'm betting it's a problem with her, not something you guys did. Try not to take it personally

 

[verte76]

Yeah, she's got some problem. That's not nice to put it mildly.

 

[HelloAngel]

I have a couple of friends in a very similar scenario as the one you've brought up, Kelly...

A couple times, I really did think there was a "long-term" friendship there...and I was bummed when that turned out to not be the case b/c the other person just felt it was time to "move on." I didn't "get it" at the time. I still don't.

But there was another situation that I moved away from, and sent a somewhat nicer letter to someone than the one you received. It was time to move on, and she and I were just pretending that there was something deep there when there wasn't. It had been quite a while since we had touched base on a deep level -- and b/c it had been so long since we had hung out - the one time we connected again, there was just nothing to say. These things happen sometimes b/c certain friendships are not necessarily meant to endure...

If you feel this could be a mood of hers, than perhaps you should call her just to feel the situation out more. However, if there is distance between you, than perhaps you should take her apparent "fair-weatherness" to heart and move on too.

 

[kellyahern]

I understand what you're saying HelloAngel I do agree that the friendship is not as deep as it was when we were in college or just after that, but I still thought it would be okay to get together once in awhile. My sister sent her an e-mail asking what was wrong and that she was sorry about the way our friend felt, so I guess we'll find out. She actually sent the e-mail to my sister in response to the invitation to get together this weekend, but it was addressed to my sister and I, so my sister then called me about it and forwarded it to me at my request.

I guess what's getting to me is the tone of the letter. I asked my sister, "Is she breaking up with us?" It's kinda like a Dear John letter.

Oh well, we'll see what happens.

thank you bonosloveslave, HelloAngel, and verte

 

[arw]

I've had that happen to me before only my friend's email was "now that I'm married and you are still single, I feel it's best that we don't hang out anymore as my husband and I like to do stuff together with other couples......" This was someone I was really close to and I was in the wedding. She didn't have a problem that I was "still single" when she was dating her future husband. It was weird and so out of the blue. We had just been together a few days before and she was happy to see me since we were both working and going to school we rarely had time to get together. Now they are divorced! I sort of really hard everytime I think about how she got rid of all of her single friends and looked down on them because they weren't married and now she's divorced.

Anyways....I'd say it's her and not you. It sucks. You can never have too many friends, even ones you only see every so often. She'll be sorry one day.

 

[Liesje]

I'd say, your loss bitch! Joking....

I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I had a friend once who was one of my best friends in grade school and high school but she was messed up and stole money from lots of people and places she worked. But then she just pretended like she'd done nothing wrong. She's also the type of person that thrives on gossip b/c if she can twist peoples' words around and get people on her side, she feels in control. She's just so insecure it's disturbing. Finally I told her she needed a reality check. We haven't really done anything since. I wish we could be friends again since we have a lot in common and have known each other since 7th grade, but I can't be in a friendship that's all give and no take. I can't be in a friendship where I don't trust the other person.

So I guess if she's not willing to try and keep your friendship, there's not much you can do to convince her otherwise. But that's her problem, not yours.

 

[kellyahern]

My sister e-mailed our friend this last night:

I had no idea you were feeling this way. I want to talk to you about this. We both love you and value your friendship. I need some time to think about what you've said but I will call you.

and this was the reply she got back:

I was at church last night until 10:30. sorry I missed your call. I am going to be out late tonight, too, and I'll be out of town all weekend, so we can talk next week, okay?



I haven't written her yet and don't know if I'm going to. I get the hint and I think you guys may be right that it's time to move on. Pretty crappy way to end a friendship of eight years though

We have a couple of other friends who are part of the same "group" that hung out together in college, and they have no idea why this is going on now either I don't want to drag them in the middle of this, so I'm just going to leave things alone for now. I am bummed out though.

Thank you for listening to me vent about this

 

[U2Kitten]

I think that was crappy. I'm sorry. If she's like that she's not a good friend anyway. Even if she's moody she should have not typed in a bad mood. When she started to think stuff like that she should at least talk to you about it first, or just not say anything and see how it goes, no need for a rude letter like that! You and your sister didn't deserve that. You're right, though circumstances in lives change, it shouldn't change friendship and feeling. There are people I no longer have anything in common with but I still think of them as friends.

 

[fah]

Sorry to hear such strange news. I think your friend may need you more than you think, even though she said she wants to end it. Real friendships endure everything. If she is a friend be ready to forgive and forget the email that was sent.

 

[wolfeden]

Heh.
I'm sorry you got brought up short like that....
Sometimes people drift away on you, and it's nothing you did, just that things change.

I think you did the right thing in pursuing it a little further, everyone can have off days and say things they don't think out first... but it may be time to let this one fade away. Don't be surprised if someday contact is made again though.

 

[kellyahern]

Thank you everyone for your advice

It has really helped