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Old 12-22-2001, 04:31 PM   #1
Mr. MacPhisto's Loo Cleaner
 
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U2 on Ice

U2 ON ICE

********PART 1**********


Itís a cold and wet December day, and people on the street are plagiarizing the words of rock songs.

Other than that, though, everythingís fine and dandy in SLANEíS WORLD SLANEíS WORLD! LEATHER TIME! EXCELLENT!....em....but thatís a play for another day. Our heroines--


ADAM: Heroin? Where?

BONO: No, a heroin is like the female equivalent of a hero.

BOWIE: We could be heroes....

EDGE: Mr. Bowie, sir....em....you scare me.

Em....Echo, GinaMarie, Julie, and Mona are strolling down the street....

ECHO: Look! A bookstore! Em....who WROTE this thing?

DISCO: *goes running down the street* LARRYíS BALLS FOR XMAS! I GOT LARRYíS BALLS FOR XMAS! JINGLE JINGLE!!!!!! WOO!!!

ECHO: I bet they have the new issue of TAMALE.

JULIE: We need that magazine.

MONA: Yes, we canít get magazines at bookstores.

JULIE: Right.

MONA: WAITAMINUTE. Itís a BOOK store....OK letís go in.

ECHO: Is anyone here legally allowed to buy it? Donít you have to be, like....DEAD to buy it? Itís for grown-ups.

GINA: They let you buy TAMALE if you threaten to send the BonoMix II to all radio stations in the greater Western World.

MONA: So....I donít get to wear my Porn Patrol sash?

They go into the store, and Gina Marie is eating a candy cane.

JULIE: Are you allowed to eat in here?

GINA: Itís just a peppermint stick.

BLUEY: *is plastered to a wall*

ECHO: Hey, is that Bluey?

BLUEY: Hm? Hey, you Irish Pirates, you!

MONA: Whatíre you doing up there?

GINA MARIE: I love this stick.......

BLUEY: Iím just hugging this stained glass window.....itís.....SHINY.

ECHO: Bluey, we were looking for TAMALE magazine.

BLUEY: Arenít you EDITOR? I mean....you OWN it. Do you really have to BUY it?

ECHO: Yeah, but then weíre gonna go and seduce the guy at the Smoothie place.

GINA: *chomp* O geez Echo you made me break my STICK.

MONA: Smoothies? NOW Iím starvin.í

OLD MAN: *walks by* *gives them strange looks* Kids. *scoff*

MONA: LOOK! I think heís over 40! Díyou think heíd like me?

JULIE: Who left Monaís leash in the car?

GINA: O I sold it so I could buy this bag of candy.

DISCO: *goes racing through the store* THEREíS A SALE DOWN THE STREET! QUICK! GRAB LARRYíS BALLS WHILE THEREíS STILL TIME!!! Woo!!!

BLUEY: Uh, oh....I think I see the manager coming this way....I think he knows it was I who made paper devil dolls out of the covers of all the copies of ďThe Screwtape LettersĒ.....we better get outta here.

JULIE: But we didnít get the magazine!

ECHO: We donít have money anyway!

GINA: ......If the stick touches the ground, is it still good to eat?

.......

------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization

97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.

A little less circuitry,
a little more poetry.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

The Latin Americans have the sexy end[of Catholicism]~BonoBaby~

"Aren't you afraid someone will eat your foot???" ~ScottPhisto~
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Old 12-22-2001, 04:48 PM   #2
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******PART 2*******

MONA: MAN.....where are we gonna get the money to buy TAMALE?

JULIE: We could sell you to a freak sho--

MONA: WHATíS THEEEEES?

JULIE: I MEAN....

MONA: No, not THAT. Iím used to that. Lookit that poster.

ECHO: OO Lookit that hot guy in TIGHTS.

BLUEY: Heís....so.....sequiny......

GINA: A figure skating competition? So?

MONA: Well, if we entered, we could use the prize money to buy the magazine.

JULIE: This is like an episode of Full House...only.....whereís John Stamos?

GINA: Youíre lucky I have a mouth full of stick! Otherwise Iíd be drool-- O I am anyway.

BLUEY: Did anyone else bring their skates with Ďem?

ECHO: Anyone.....ELSE?

BLUEY: Well....I carry mine with me...because.....yíknow.....theyíre SHINY....em.....

MONA: Word on the street has it that U2 goes ice skating here.

ECHO: .....U2 goes ICE SKATING? O please.... letís leave. There are so MANY crazy rumors....and I think I saw Stewart Copeland at the Jewish bagel place down the--

MONA: ...Edge in tights

ECHO: OK Weíll stay.

MONA: ....Is Stewart Copeland Jewish?

ECHO: *dresses up as a menorah* LIGHT ME UP. Er....waitaminute.....

*************************************************************
The 5 girls enter the ice skating rink and survey the area.

MONA & ECHO: Ooh. SPANdex.

GINA: Not THAT area. Are sticks allowed in here?

LARRY: I was wondíring the same.

GINA: *looks up* *looks down* *looks up and down, but mostly down. Theyíre still surveying the area, after all* O my...*snaps stick in half*

LARRY: *cringe* Em....careful thar....

BLUEY: Hey mister, you look kinda sketchy. Girls, I think heís got drugs or something hidden up his sleeves......*fondle* Or just muscles...*slips*

JULIE: Wow, and weíre not even on the ice yet!

LARRY: *sigh* You know, I have a special insurance plan bc I tend to give girls concussions a lot.

GINA: *is staring* L-L-LARRY? M-M-mmmmm....

MONA: Hey thatís an awful big piece of wood ya got there.

LARRY: Itís me stick.

ECHO: *falls off a ski lift*

BLUEY: I donít even care that thereís NOT a ski lift here.

JULIE: *is rifling through Larryís bag*

LARRY: Em....can I help you?

JULIE: SPANDEX PATROL! SPANDEX PATROL!

LARRY:....Bono tricked me into thinking we were gonna play hockey.

MONA: O my dad. Is Bono HERE?

GINA: *is raping her candy cane, staring at Larry*

BLUEY: If Bonoís here.....then THAT means.....

ECHO: What? What?

BLUEY: We can spike his hot chocolate, gag him with a stick

EDGE: *falls through the ice, somewhere*

BLUEY: And dress him up as MacPhisto. WHAT IF heís already dressed as MacPhisto and he was skating and then he fell down on the cold ice, and he needs someone to warm up his ars--

ECHO: Hey, whereís Mona running off to?

LARRY: Oh, look, thereís the guys. Listen.....well....em....whatís yer name?

GINA: Mrs. Gina Marie Von Mullen Jr. I MEAN......Gina Marie.

LARRY: Well, since youíve already got such a firm grip on me stick, why donít you come with me?

JULIE: Em.....Iíve got a hold of yer pants. Better take me with you, too.

ECHO: WHERE? O, right there.

LARRY: Well....em....I guess itíd be ok.

------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization

97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.

A little less circuitry,
a little more poetry.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

The Latin Americans have the sexy end[of Catholicism]~BonoBaby~

"Aren't you afraid someone will eat your foot???" ~ScottPhisto~
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Old 12-22-2001, 04:51 PM   #3
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********PART 3*********

BONO: OK EdgeyPie, lemmee teach you how to skate.

ADAM: Wharís me camera?

EDGE: Em...I donít know about this, Bono. I tend to....fall...sometimes.

BONO: O come, now. WHEN have you EVER fallen down?

ADAM: Hey, here comes Lawrence.

GINA: *is just drooling*

LARRY: *saunters over to the bench* Hey, does anyone else want some sweet, hot--

GINA: *gah...*

LARRY:.....chocolate? Itís.....cold, is all. Em.....

BONO: No, Lawrence, Iím fine.

MONA: You suuuuuuuuuuuuure are.

BONO: *his glasses fall off* Em......

LARRY: Listen, I thought I was gonna have a chance to use me stick. I was gonna feckiní beat everyone with me lucky stick.

GINA: *has to sit down*

BLUEY: Are youse guys in the contest?

EDGE: Yes, I really want to enter.

ECHO: I could do SO much with that line.

ADAM: Yes, but Bonoís being a wanker.

MONA: What? Where?

EDGE: *blush on ice*

BLUEY: Speaking of which, howsabout we all have a drink? Hey did anyone see a pair of horns around here?

ECHO: Well, Edge, if you donít think that youíre good enough--

EDGE: O......well....em......no......I- I think Iím good enough.

ECHO: REALLY? Well, why donít we just go back behind the--

ADAM: *is laughing*

EDGE: I just donít know if I go fast enough.

ECHO: O_O HEY! How about them drinks, Bluey?

MONA: We oughta just hose you down with cold--

ECHO: What?

MONA: Nothing......

JULIE: Look whoís talking. Look, Bono OBVIOUSLY doesnít want you down there--

EDGE: *spills his hot chocolate* O...my crotch.....! It BURNS

GINA: Holy mother of--

JULIE: -- forcing those tight pants on.

BONO: Actually, I donít mind too much. You know, thereís an ancient Chinese teaching that holds that--

BLUEY: Quiet, pretty boy! How can I put this makeup on you if you keep moving?

BONO: Makeup? WTF?

ADAM: Ooo kinky.

JULIE: Mr. Clayton, I hope you donít feel too offended that weíre defiling the other members-- er...musicians.... of the band.

ADAM: No, I like to watch.

MONA: *is slightly vibed out*

EDGE: Em......Miss....Echo.....I think my crotch will be OK. I only spilled a little....hey how do you expect to dry it with yer tong--

LARRY: Listen, I havenít had a line in this entire page. If Iím not gonna get to use me stick, Iím gonna go on home to the big house that the 4 of us live in.

GINA: No! no no no no no!!! Stay! Here, have some candy. *gives Larry a candy cane* *watches him eat it*

JULIE: Hey, it starts in 5 minutes. Are WE still entering?

BLUEY: Nah, letís call it off. Mona, letís you and me take the short, pale, elevated one. Gina, get StickBoy there. Julie and Echo, have fun deciding who gets Edge.

EDGE: *blush* I-- I have to learn to say Ďno.í I commit myself to too much.

ECHO: GOOD.

ADAM: *sigh* I wanted to see Edge embarrass himself skating.

JULIE: Edge, you should do like a swimmer does. They shave their entire bodies--

EVERYONE: *looks at Larry*

LARRY: Leave me alone, Iím busy with me stick. *peppermint*

JULIE: And when theyíre shaven, body parts can move faster and slide--

MONA & GINA: O holy quiche. *fall off the Zamboni*

JULIE: -- through the water quickly. And they wear those shorts that are like under wear too. You know, like the Speedos?

LARRY: Before anyone asks....NO, I DONíT swim.

GINA: *cry*

EDGE: So, then....in order to skate faster....I need to shave my body.....

ECHO: YES. Need help? Letís go. Donít have a razor? Well, weíll just use my teeth, then.

ADAM: *is turned on*

MONA: *edges away from Adam*

EDGE: Shave my body, and....wear a Speedo? Are you sure?

MONA: No, no no. She just means that you should wear pants and clothes that are--

ECHO: *nudge*

MONA: Never mind. Continue your brainstorming, Edge.

BONO: This might all be illegal....or.....just....like.....really raunchy. How old are you girls?

MONA: When has that kind of thing ever bothered YOU, Mister BOWLING ALLEY?

BONO: Oh. Heheh you read that article, then, did you?

LARRY: I remember that. Bono came home complaining about how his balls were too heavy for his short little arms.

MONA & BLUEY: *are raping the Zamboni*

EDGE: I donít think this place is too healthy for anyone.

ECHO: Hey, what do youse guys need more money for anyway?

BONO: Well.....we were just gonna buy some presents for our wives / the women who are lucky enough to have seen us in towels.

MONA: Towels.....!

GINA: Thatís the CUTEST thing in the world. But....donít you already HAVE money?

BONO: Em....yes....but then there would be no real plot, would there?

JULIE:....is there a plot, anyway?

MONA: SHUT UP!

DISCO: *goes sliding across the rink* Woo! LARRY CAN DECK MY HALLS ANY DAY!! WOO!!!!

BONO: Listen.....Does figure skating count as a sport? 'Cause....do I need to wear a cup for this?

LARRY: I was itchiní to get my stick out.....

GINA: Hey, Larry, you wanna get in the stands and re-enact yer performance in the Stuck video?

As it turns out, Bono entered the contest and WON against Stewart Copeland in a very revealing outfit. Actually, he chose to skate to The BonoMix II, and he started to sing along....and.....well.....he was rewarded. Em....

Edge went somewhere with Echo so she could help him shave...but we havenít seen either of them in days.

Gina got a concussion because of Larryís pumping

his fist into the air while cheering.

Bono got really elevated (surprise surprise) because everyone in that town was walking around sucking candy canes. And, well, Bonoís just that kind of guy.

And Mona really sucks at using Paint.


MERRY CHRISTMAS, KRAZY KWANZAA, HAPPY HANUKKAH, WACKY WINTER SOLSTICE, FELIZ FESTIVIS, etc. etc. etc!!!!

Traveling PLEBAns, I hope you stay safe; everyone have a good holiday and eat good food!!!!



------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization

97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.

A little less circuitry,
a little more poetry.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

The Latin Americans have the sexy end[of Catholicism]~BonoBaby~

"Aren't you afraid someone will eat your foot???" ~ScottPhisto~
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Old 12-22-2001, 05:36 PM   #4
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ROTFLMFAO!!!!!
MONA!!! Raping the Zamboni!?
LOL.

Really, it's amazing how well you captured my tendancy to refer to all men as "something"-boy.

Oh God...my face hurts from laughing too hard. Okay, okay.

Gah! I have to read this again later...drunk.
-Bluey
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Old 12-22-2001, 06:00 PM   #5
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------------------
Does love light up your Christmas tree?

Happy Holidays!

"And I wear gray underwear." -Bono

Love,
Emily


Visit my webpage for U2 wallpapers:
www.geocities.com/springtime5348/index.html

...if God will send his angels...
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Old 12-22-2001, 06:16 PM   #6
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You know what's sad? I am sitting here staring at my keyboard contemplating whether I would actually want to shave Edge or not.

Hmmm...

P.S. This is the dirtiest thing you have ever written:

EDGE: Em......Miss....Echo.....I think my crotch will be OK. I only spilled a little....hey how do you expect to dry it with yer tong--

------------------
*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!

Hell hath no fury like the vast robot army of a woman scorned!

"Now you stop all this naked foolishness and go outside! It's too nice a day to be stupid indoors!" - Ren Hoek

Bono-Man! An Epic Superhero Adventure!

The Official PLEBA Glossary: Delicious AND Nutritious!
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Old 12-22-2001, 09:40 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by Echo:
P.S. This is the dirtiest thing you have ever written:

EDGE: Em......Miss....Echo.....I think my crotch will be OK. I only spilled a little....hey how do you expect to dry it with yer tong--

*blush asaurus rex* Know what ELSE is sad? I'm considering if I should figure out a way to top that.

Top Edge? WHAT?

Em....



------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization
97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

"I'm allergic to violence! I break out in blood!"
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Old 12-22-2001, 09:47 PM   #8
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OMG, this is high-larious!!! I'm SO glad I could provide the comic relief! but hmmm....if somebody ever invents "tandem ice skating" (you know, like tandem skydiving--where you're strapped together...pelvis to booty??) I want to go skating with Edgie!!!! Oh...and we'd have to find a skating rink that would play the BonoMix over the PA system....can you skate to that??

DISCO: *goes sliding across the rink* Woo! LARRY CAN DECK MY HALLS ANY DAY!! WOO!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, KRAZY KWANZAA, HAPPY HANUKKAH, WACKY WINTER SOLSTICE, FELIZ FESTIVIS, etc. etc. etc!!!!


A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US, YAYYYYY!!! And now...it's time for the Airing of Grievances!!!

[This message has been edited by Discoteque (edited 12-22-2001).]
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Old 12-22-2001, 09:49 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally posted by Discoteque:
if somebody ever invents "tandem ice skating" (you know, like tandem skydiving--where you're strapped together...pelvis to booty??) I want to go skating with Edgie!!!!
LMAO Tandem skating? Pelvis to booty-- O my dad. *faints* (Hey btw that SNL episode was on Comedy channel today It's my FAV episode.)

------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization
97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

"I'm allergic to violence! I break out in blood!"
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Old 12-23-2001, 01:42 AM   #10
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U2 should be in the Olympics...

------------------
*~*Phuzzie*~*

WARNING: Insanity is highly contagious!
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Old 12-23-2001, 11:20 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Phuzzie_the_camera_girl:
U2 should be in the Olympics...

LARRY: Swimming.

BONO: Bicycling (is that an Olympic sport? Well he can just stand there in those shorts anyway)

------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization
97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

"I'm allergic to violence! I break out in blood!"
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Old 12-23-2001, 11:24 AM   #12
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OMD LMAO the whole way through.
ADAM: *is turned on*

MONA: *edges away from Adam*

LAURA: *defiles Adam*

This is the dirtiest script I've ever read! The peppermint stick parts were hillarious. I'm gonna has issues eating peppermint sticks now.

------------------
- Laura
----------------------
Something to do with politics, kids, freshness, and breakthrough.
And love.

(Joan Baez)
---------------------------
"The idea is to eroticize the male body instead of the female." - Bono

"Well, again, within that spirit of not-seriousness..... To all intents and purposes, the mystery and power of the penis is, what will it become?" - Adam
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Old 12-23-2001, 11:32 AM   #13
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LMAO I don't know HOW to write for Adam. He's too raunchy for me.

------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization
97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

"I'm allergic to violence! I break out in blood!"
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Old 12-23-2001, 11:59 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by WildHonee:
LMAO I don't know HOW to write for Adam. He's too raunchy for me.

*is proud of her man for being too raunchy for Mona* Umm... I think.

------------------
- Laura
~~~
Something to do with politics, kids, freshness, and breakthrough.
And love.

(Joan Baez)

~~~
"The idea is to eroticize the male body instead of the female." - Bono

"Well, again, within that spirit of not-seriousness..... To all intents and purposes, the mystery and power of the penis is, what will it become?" - Adam
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Old 12-23-2001, 01:00 PM   #15
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Hilarious!

Thanks so much for putting me in it-and for using my skating idea.

ROTFL at that Bono skating pic!!!I would PAY to see them try to figure skate.

------------------
If you are really good friends with The Edge, you can just call him The~ Adam

The right side of my brain is kinda redundant~ Larry
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Old 12-23-2001, 08:39 PM   #16
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My friend sent me this article from The Onion, with this line:

Since my last column, we also lost the laughter and the song. Both William Kennedy Smith and U2's Bono lost their lives in tragic skating accidents.

!!!!!!!!!! It's from like 4 yrs ago

------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization
97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

"Get me the Bean Giant!" ~Houdini~
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Old 12-23-2001, 08:41 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally posted by WildHonee:
My friend sent me this article from The Onion, with this line:

Since my last column, we also lost the laughter and the song. Both William Kennedy Smith and U2's Bono lost their lives in tragic skating accidents.

!!!!!!!!!! It's from like 4 yrs ago

wha? what kind of person would start a rumor like that??



------------------
*~*Phuzzie*~*

WARNING: Insanity is highly contagious!
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Old 12-23-2001, 09:42 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by WildHonee:


MONA: ...Edge in tights

lol! yum!
Quote:



MONA: Hey thatís an awful big piece of wood ya got there.

LMFAO!!!!!!!!

Quote:



JULIE: *is rifling through Larryís bag*

LARRY: Em....can I help you?

hee hee!
Quote:


BONO: OK EdgeyPie, lemmee teach you how to skate.

Bono called him Edgie~pie!!!! *squeeze*

Quote:



BONO: O come, now. WHEN have you EVER fallen down?

LOL! awww! Edge! *Nachos*
Quote:



LARRY: *saunters over to the bench* Hey, does anyone else want some sweet, hot--

GINA: *gah...*

LOL!!!!!
Quote:


ADAM: No, I like to watch.

MONA: *is slightly vibed out*

*

ADAM: *is turned on*

Oh-My-DAD! Adam! LOL!
Quote:



EDGE: Shave my body, and....wear a Speedo? Are you sure?

Yee~haw!

Quote:

MONA: When has that kind of thing ever bothered YOU, Mister BOWLING ALLEY?


LOL!!!

Great play, Mona!!! so funny! too bad i didn't end up with the Edge ah, well. i got Larry's pants.


------------------
~Julie*

(aka: hoo~lee~ah, aka: Fishy's Clumsey Julie, aka: MoonPhisto)

Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

(~Monty Python)
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Old 12-23-2001, 09:49 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by FallDownJulie:

LOL!!!

Great play, Mona!!! so funny! too bad i didn't end up with the Edge ah, well. i got Larry's pants.

Ice Ice Edgey....hey sha la



------------------
~*Mona*~ Secretary of Scandalization
97% compatible with Bono

Love me, give me soul.


"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

"Get me the Bean Giant!" ~Houdini~
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Old 12-23-2001, 11:38 PM   #20
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: NYC
Posts: 5,567
Local Time: 05:01 AM
OMG, i went ice skating tonight (which i really suck at and hurts my ankles. we only stayed an hour before i convinced my friends that going to the mall would be a lot more fun.) anyhow, as i was skating, all i could think about was this story! i was scandalized on the ice! i kept giggling, which then provoked strange looks from my friends, which then would cause me to laugh outloud, which then would cause me to almost lose my balance.

it was a vicious cycle, and i blame it all on PLEBA!

------------------
Does love light up your Christmas tree?

Happy Holidays!

"And I wear gray underwear." -Bono

Love,
Emily


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