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Old 11-26-2001, 12:26 AM   #1
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U2 Go to a Video Dating Service

"TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE" VIDEO DATING SERVICE - Where our motto is: "If we can't find you a match...you never deserved love in the first place."

TAPE ONE

*Adam sits in the chair. Seems a little nervous.*

ADAM: Hi, my name is Adam Clayton, and this is one of my spoons. (Clutches spoon to his chest.) This is the second tape I've done for Two Hearts...I have to do this one because the first one, ironically, go too many responses. Apparently the whole time the tape was running, my sarong was wide open and no one bothered to tell me...So anyway, em...what I'm looking for is a girl who shares my interests, which are mainly music and, em...spoons. My spoons are very special to me. (Grips spoon protectively with both hands.) Love me, love my spoons, that's what I always say. (Chuckles awkwardly.) So, em... (Looks down and contemplates spoon for a moment.) so if you are a spoon lover as I am, please respond...I'm very lonely. (Pause. Speaks to spoon.) Oh don't be ridiculous, of course you're good company. I just...(Looks longingly into camera.) Thanks for your time. (He stands up, and his sarong falls off.) Oh, bloody hell. (Tape shuts off abruptly.)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

*Animatronic Edge walks into the camera's view after it has started recording. He holds the kitten in both hands. He sits in the chair and looks around curiously. He emits no soundm just pets the kitten and occasionaly looks straight intot he camera. This goes on for several minutes. From off camera we hear shouting.*

ECHO: Has anyone seen Animatronic Edge?

*Animatronic Edge doesn't seem to hear. He looks off to the left, his eyes following something the camera cannot see. The kitten mews.*

ECHO: I've been looking everywhere for him.

*Animatronic Edge is still oblivious. He pulls a kitty treat out of his pocket and feeds it to the kitten.*

ECHO: That's so strange...and today's his weekly oil change, too...

*Animatronic Edge's eyes widen and his head snaps in the direction of Echo's voice. He grins widely and runs off screen. The camera continues recording for two more minutes.*

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

*Edge settles himself into the chair.*

EDGE: So how does this work?

FROM OFF CAMERA: Well, just look into the camera and talk about yourself, and what kind of girl you're looking for.

*Echo walks into view.*

ECHO: There you are! Come on, I've got to get you oiled up.

EDGE: *blush* What?!

ECHO: (jumps back at the sound of his voice) Oh! A thousand pardons, I thought you were Animatronic Edge. Where could he be? (Exits.)

EDGE: Oh my....So, anyway, I'm supposed to talk about myself?

F.O.C.: Yeah, like, what do you like to do in your spare time?

EDGE: Em...I like to screw.

F.O.C.: Excuse me?

EDGE: Yeah see I just got this. (Proudly holds up power drill.) Isn't it nice? Black & Decker.

ECHO: (Returns) Oh good, you're here. Come along, I've got to get you oiled up.

EDGE: I told you, I'm not Animatronic Edge!

ECHO: (Grins) Yeah, I know. (Yanks him off camera.)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

*Mona sits in the chair. Grinning.*

MONA: Hi, my name's Mona, and I like to screw as well.

FROM OFF CAMERA: *sigh* Mona, you're not even on the schedule today.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

That's all I've come up with, so far. Feel free to add your own, or amend mine!

------------------
*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!

"It's not that I like eating beef so much, I just really hate cows."

"Come here, quick! You have to see Bono's pants!"

"But...the whole basis of our relationship was the Atari Championship!"


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[This message has been edited by Echo (edited 11-25-2001).]
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Old 11-26-2001, 04:47 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally posted by Echo:
This is the second tape I've done for Two Hearts...I have to do this one because the first one, ironically, go too many responses. Apparently the whole time the tape was running, my sarong was wide open and no one bothered to tell me...
*visualizing..... *sigh

------------------
"The bass player's got it. The bass player's fucking got it." Bono, Boston 6-9-01

[This message has been edited by AM (edited 11-26-2001).]
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Old 11-26-2001, 08:21 AM   #3
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do bono.... no, i'll do bono, you write a script including bono.

------------------
"You can download an atmosphere and dial up a groove, but there's a certain magic when three musicians and a dyslexic get together and play in a room." -Bono

Love,
Emily


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Old 11-26-2001, 08:40 AM   #4
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LMAO!!!!!!!

Larry's turn!

Larry:*snarls into the camera* Why do I have to do this?

Bono from off camera: Cos you lost the bet button boy!

Larry:*snarls again* FOAD! Ok, Em *pause* Hi my name is Larry Mullen Jr. *button flies off in direction of camera and breaks it* Aww feck! I mean..Yes!

Bono: You're not going to get off that easy Larry!

Edge from somewhere:*bluuuuuuuuuush*

My turn!

MG:*looks into the camera* Hi, my name is Cristy and i'm a Larryholic

FOC: Um this is a dating service not a Larryholics meeting

MG: Oh. *pause* Hi, my name is Cristy and i'm 21 years old and i'm looking for a guy who's Blonde, and has these really hot manboobs, not to mention his man groove *snicker*, and um he plays the droooooms, his buttons tend to fly off his shirt, or melt off *mumbles* mmmm flying buttons, *snaps* oh and um preferably his name to be Larry Mullen Jr *grin*

FOC: Um,*mumbles* what a nutcase,*outloud* yes thank you that's enough

MG:*gets off stool* ooooooooooh a button must be Larry's!!!! *flies in the direction of button*

FOC:*sigh* Larry fans are the craziest ones

------------------
The U2 revolution has been reinstated.

THE Larry Mullen Jr. Page
http://www.geocities.com/kiti_regia/index.html

Meeting Larry:
*MG shows Larry poster*
*Larry reads poster*
*Larry smiles and says "Thank you that's very nice of you"*
*Larry signs paper, shakes MG's hand*
*MG almost dies then sees tearaway pants and gets bad ideas*
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Old 11-26-2001, 09:09 AM   #5
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Adam, take 3

*Cardboard Adam enters room

From behind the camera: You know the routine, please sit down

*Cardboard Adam doesn┤t move

From behind the camera: Ok, let┤s do it standing up then

*Cardboard Adam doesn┤t move

From behind the camera: Say something...

*Cardboard Adam doesn┤t move or make a sound

From behind the camera: Helllooooo!!!! Say something...

*Cardboard Adam doesn┤t move or make a sound

From behind the camera: this doens┤t work like this... You have say something...
Let┤s try it again

*Cardboard Adam doesn┤t move or make a sound

From behind the camera: Mom, I wonna go home *cries*

*Cardboard Adam doesn┤t move or make a sound

*Adam: that was much better


------------------
"The bass player's got it. The bass player's fucking got it." Bono, Boston 6-9-01
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Old 11-26-2001, 09:38 AM   #6
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*The Fly saunters up to the chair, smoking a cigar*
FOC: Hey...no smoking allowed in here sorry.
The Fly: *Laughs* That's good, that's funny.
FOC: No, I'm serious put that out.
The Fly: Oh yeah, whatever. *He drops the cigar on the rug and grinds it out with the heel of his boot*
FOC: *Sigh* Okay, tell us your name and what you're looking for in a woman.
The Fly: Yeah, but I mean everyone knows who I am...so what would be the point?
FOC: Just do it.
The Fly: Double jointedness.
FOC: What?
The Fly: Well you asked me what I look for in a woman...double jointedness. I don't really care where, I mean Hell, I'l settle for the freaky thumb thing, fine, whatever.
FOC: Okay...go on.
The Fly: Not that I have problems finding women...*He smiles* Well sometimes I have trouble finding them in the dark, my bed is kind of huge.
FOC: You've got to be kidding me.
The Fly: No really, I mean it's like two king sized beds slammed together, but round. *He makes a circle with his fingers to demonstrate*
FOC:Round?
The FLy: Yeah, kind of like a circle.
FOC: *sigh* So, what makes you think you'd be a good date for someone?
The Fly: Well, I'm a great kisser...Do you want a demonstration?
FOC: Oh God, please no.
*The Fly nevertheless walks up to the camera and smooches it for several seconds*
FOC: Hey! Buddy! Don't tounge the lens!
The Fly: Sorry there, hombre. *He pulls off his shirt and wipes the camera clean. He then puts the leather jacket back on without the shirt.*
FOC: Well, why else do you think you'd be a good date?
The Fly: I'm amazing in bed.
FOC: That's...nice.
The Fly: *Walking towards the camera* Do you want a demonstration?
FOC: *Screams*
* The video goes all snowy*


[This message has been edited by blueeyes (edited 11-26-2001).]
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Old 11-26-2001, 12:45 PM   #7
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LMAO!! O my gosh you guys! Those are fecking hilarious!!
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Old 11-26-2001, 01:07 PM   #8
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*Larry walks back into the camera view for a second take. He sits down on the stool.*
Larry: Ehm, hi. My name is Larry Mullen Jr and eh... *button flies off shirt and from somewhere off camera Bono's voice is heard*
Bono: Ahhh! Feck Lardence, watch yer buttons, yeah?
Larry: *cringes* Sorry Bono... Yeah. So my name is Larry Mullen Jr. Looking at Bono's arse every night is getting rather dull--
Bono: *from off camera* HEY!
Larry: Sorry, Bono... I'm lookin for a girl who can sew the buttons back onto me shirt---
Bona: *from off camera* Now why on earth would they want to do that, dear?
Larry: Who can also look upon my study man clevage without passing out---
Bona: Man, Larry you really set the stakes high, don't you?
*Larry glares off camera at her then looks back at the camera contemplatively.*
Larry: Ah, feck it. I'm done...
*He stands up in frustration and all the remaining buttons on his shirt go flying off in random directions, except one. That last one melts off and falls with a plop to the floor and Larry runs off to retreive his lost buttons.*

Okay, so it wasn't that good... Ah I tried. Someone can write a better one...

------------------
"I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees. Find a way to lie about a home I'll never see... I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find a better part of me. Up up and away from me, It's alright you can all sleep safe tonight. I'm not crazy or anything... Even heroes have the right to dream..." -Five for Fighting "Superman"
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Old 11-26-2001, 01:15 PM   #9
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Niamh, Take 3

Niamh:*drools uncontrolably*

FOC: Um, Miss! Miss! Can I get you to look into the camera please?

Niamh:*still drooling uncontrolably* whaaaaaaa?

FOC: Um, ok can we get Bono out of here please? It's breaking her concentration

Bono: awww fine! *stomps on his way out, but trips over the lighting first*

Mona:*From somewhere*: HOOO-HA!

FOC: *sigh* Ok, now Tell us your name and where you're from and what you want in a Hot Tamale, uhh I mean man *clears throat*

Niamh:*smiling* Hi! My name is Flavia, i'm 20 years old from Argentina and I want a man, who can sing to me, whispering in my ear, a man who is undoubtedly the most sexy man on the planet, a man who can change identities and still look so gorgeous *starts to drool again, eyes get glassy*

Bono:*sneaks up behind Niamh whispering in her ear* Oh yes, I am your man, *sings* All I want is yoooooooooou

Niamh: *melts off of chair*

FOC: Bono! Didn't I tell you to leave???

Bono: What? *pouts Bono style*

Gavin:*walks by* Well well well what do we have here?

Niamh:*jaw drops to floor and starts to form puddle of drool* OMG! I have been good!

Bono:*peers at Gavin* this is my girl!

Niamh:*getting up* No no wait!!! I want you both muahahahaha

Bono:Fine with me

Gavin: NO problem with me either!

FOC:*sigh* why do I get myself into these things? Hey Bono Gavin come back here!

------------------
The U2 revolution has been reinstated.

THE Larry Mullen Jr. Page
http://www.geocities.com/kiti_regia/index.html

Meeting Larry:
*MG shows Larry poster*
*Larry reads poster*
*Larry smiles and says "Thank you that's very nice of you"*
*Larry signs paper, shakes MG's hand*
*MG almost dies then sees tearaway pants and gets bad ideas*
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Old 11-26-2001, 01:20 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by Mullen-Girl:
Niamh, Take 3

Niamh:*drools uncontrolably*

FOC: Um, Miss! Miss! Can I get you to look into the camera please?

Niamh:*still drooling uncontrolably* whaaaaaaa?

FOC: Um, ok can we get Bono out of here please? It's breaking her concentration

Bono: awww fine! *stomps on his way out, but trips over the lighting first*

Mona:*From somewhere*: HOOO-HA!

FOC: *sigh* Ok, now Tell us your name and where you're from and what you want in a Hot Tamale, uhh I mean man *clears throat*

Niamh:*smiling* Hi! My name is Flavia, i'm 20 years old from Argentina and I want a man, who can sing to me, whispering in my ear, a man who is undoubtedly the most sexy man on the planet, a man who can change identities and still look so gorgeous *starts to drool again, eyes get glassy*

Bono:*sneaks up behind Niamh whispering in her ear* Oh yes, I am your man, *sings* All I want is yoooooooooou

Niamh: *melts off of chair*

FOC: Bono! Didn't I tell you to leave???

Bono: What? *pouts Bono style*

Gavin:*walks by* Well well well what do we have here?

Niamh:*jaw drops to floor and starts to form puddle of drool* OMG! I have been good!

Bono:*peers at Gavin* this is my girl!

Niamh:*getting up* No no wait!!! I want you both muahahahaha

Bono:Fine with me

Gavin: NO problem with me either!

FOC:*sigh* why do I get myself into these things? Hey Bono Gavin come back here!

Cristy, darling... You know me too well!!!!!!!! LOL

I think i deserve the "Most likely to drool" Award...hehehehe

Flavia
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Old 11-26-2001, 04:50 PM   #11
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LMAO, Echo!!!!!!! What a cool idea!!

*cracks knuckles. Here goes, folks*

Echo has gotten so frustrated with the weird production of this that she has been beating the camera with a bat. Now it's broken! Feck it all to heck!

BONO: *sits down on stool* Listen, is this one of those green screen things? I mean, are you going to be filming me talking and then have dinosaurs and cowboys engaged in some apocolyptic brawl right behind me? Cause...last time that happened....

ECHO: *slaps forehead* I need my Edgebot. So...stressed....

BONO: I called the Pope up the other day and we were talking....Remind me to talk about Third World Debt later....I went over to his place and we played Battleships and ate Rice Krispie Treats....did you know that "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts?" So, turn your stress around and have some dessert!

GINA MARIE:....dessert? DON'T MIND IF I DO. *eyes Larry*

LARRY: *is standing by the food table* Good. No meat.

GINA MARIE: That's what YOU think....Listen....need me to hold a stick or anything for you?

LARRY: *drops his balls* Mona! Listen, stop this. If I'm gonna keep being in these scripts, I want a new editor! They're melon balls, ALRIGHT?! There's a fruit tray and I got my little plate and put some pineapples and some melon balls on it. *looks at Bono, who is laughing his head off* Wanker....

ECHO: OK, Bono, are you ready?

BONO: Did I mention I spoke to the Pope?

ECHO: Yes. *camera won't move* Feck it all to heck....Screw this!

EDGE: *appears* OK.

ECHO: ?!

EDGE: You said you wanted me to screw your camera.

ECHO:....o is THAT what the kids are callin it these days? Well.....

EDGE: *tries to fix camera* I can't do it.

ECHO: What? Yes, you can. HARDER.

EDGE: *drops his drill* O...my...well...

ECHO: I meant, TRY harder.

EDGE: *accidentally kicks his drill* Oopsie...*bluuush*

ECHO: I love it when he gets like this...heheh I meant, screw harder.

EDGE: *combusts*

BONO:....Listen, d'you think it'd be better if you asked Edge to nail--

ECHO: Listen, Vintage Boy. You keep talking like that, and I'ma have to take out my U2 fuzzies on you.

BONO: Aren't the U2 Fuzzies strictly nonsexual emotions?

ECHO: Not if I put a blindfold on ya!

LARRY: Bono, did you want any of these balls?

ECHO: Don't start with me, Drum Bum....my, you're looking smoooooth.

BONO: She's so crazed with lust for Edge that she's ready to *snooker* any of us....

ECHO: ....Bono, all I can see is yer crotch.

MONA: See, I told you I'm not the only one who--

BONO: I beg yer pardon?

MONA: Bless his little cotton socks! Listen to how he talks! "I beg yer pardon." Heehee!!

ECHO: The camera's stuck. Now all I can see is your crotch.

BONO: O...well....

BONOCHICK: It's photogenic, ain't it?! HOO-AH!!!!!!!!

ECHO: You're gonna have to get down on the floor if we're gonna shoot it right.

LARRY: Gina, love, we best step back. This could get messy.

GINA: !!!!!!!! Way hey HEY, Mr. Snarly. Step back into THIS! *does unseemly things to Larry*

ADAM: *watching* A sarong makes things like that so much easier.

EDGE: *rematerializes just to blush, then disappears again*

MONA:.....waitaminute....did someone mention putting Bono on the floor?

BONO: I'm already here! Echo, can you see my face now?

ECHO: *looks through camera* Mona, I can see where your hands are. I'm not THAT blind....

MONA: Heheh....

ECHO: Ok that's good. MAKE-UP!...hey...HEY stop that! I said make UP, not make OUT.

*plate falls off food table*

ECHO: Hey!!!!!!! Larry, watch the balls!...I mean the melon balls!! Pervs.

LARRY: Can't stop till the LarryLovin' is done!!!!!!!!!!

BONO: *ahem* Echo....why is this...girl always touching me?

ECHO: *sigh* We don't ask questions about her. When she gets to a certain point, she faints. It'll be OK.

BONO: Alright. Am I supposed to talk now?

EDGE: *has rematerialized* *is setting up cones around the sinful food table* CAUTION: LARRY LOVIN' ZONE.

MULLENGIRL: Ooo. I want in!

EDGE: *ultraviolet blush*

ECHO: Waitaminute. Bono, you WANKER. You're married!! Why are you doin a video for a dating service?!! Geez.

BONO: Em...Mona's wrapped me up in the CAUTION tape....

ECHO: *lassoes Edge* youse guys do what you want. I got a Hot Pocket man I gotta deal with....

EDGE: When I combusted, I went to a strange place where Brian Eno was on roller skates....HOLD ME.

------------------
~*Mona*~ Echo's Pimpstress Protege, capable of scandalizing ScottPhisto with AngelinaLips....
97% compatible with Bono

Proud Owner of the one and only Bon Jovi soap caddy

Love me, give me soul.

The PLEBA Mansion, where the play's the thing...
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Old 11-26-2001, 07:22 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by WildHonee:
EDGE: When I combusted, I went to a strange place where Brian Eno was on roller skates....HOLD ME.

ECHO: Don't mind if I do. *Makes a running leap at Edge*

EDGE: Oof!

ECHO: *defile defile defile*

EDGE: Hey watch those pockets! I just had those Bedazzled! And...HEY!

ECHO: D'ya just have that Bedazzled too?

*Stewart Copeland enters*

STEWART COPELAND: Hi...I'm here to...

ECHO: *points* Stand right there, Stew...you're next.

STEWART COPELAND: But...I'm here to record a segment.

ECHO: *looks up* Uh...that's what I meant. *cough* Yeah. *goes back to defiling*

STEWART COPELAND: I don't really have much time...Em, why am I being wrapped in Police tape? Oh, right, never mind...

BONO: Now can we talk about Third World De- MMMPH!

MONA: Who told you to speak?


------------------
*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!

"It's not that I like eating beef so much, I just really hate cows."

"Come here, quick! You have to see Bono's pants!"

"But...the whole basis of our relationship was the Atari Championship!"


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Old 11-26-2001, 09:57 PM   #13
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lol Stewart Copeland is EVERYWHERE. Sting, too. Andy Summers is in a corner crying.

------------------
~*Mona*~ Echo's Pimpstress Protege, capable of scandalizing ScottPhisto with AngelinaLips....
97% compatible with Bono

Proud Owner of the one and only Bon Jovi soap caddy

Love me, give me soul.

The PLEBA Mansion, where the play's the thing...
http://www.geocities.com/kiti_regia/plebamansion

For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono! ~Echo~
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