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Old 11-30-2001, 04:30 PM   #1
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U2: A Shakespearean Tragedy!

Hey PLEBA-keteers. For those of you wondering why I haven’t been posting on the MPS, here’s why: I re-wrote "Hamlet"!

Everyone’s in this one...me, Bluey, Bona, Julie, CatDubh, ScottPhisto, MullenGirl, and of course Mona. Please read and tell me what you think! I put a lot of work into this!

. . .


*MullenGirl stands guard in front of the PLEBA mansion.*

MULLENGIRL: Hey! Who's that?

JULIE: Relax, I'm here to take over.

MULLENGIRL: You're just in time. *Points to her tiny portable television* VH1 is rerunning the Elevation concert.

JULIE: Cool!

MULLEN GIRL: Have a good time. I'm gonna go watch it on the big screen in the den.

JULIE: Aw, man...*sits*

*Edge and CatDubh approach.*

CATDUBH: What's going on?

JULIE: *mouthful of popcorn* Watching some Elevation.


JULIE: No, no, the concert.

EDGE: You see the ghost yet?

JULIE: What ghost?

EDGE: He shows up now and then. Doesn't say anything.

*Bright light.*

CATDUBH: It's him!

*Ghost appears.*

CATDUBH: Well, what are you waiting for! *Elbows Edge* Go try and talk to him!

EDGE: *sigh* *approaches ghost* Um...Hi...We're all curious as to why you're here.

*Ghost is silent* *Edge turns back to CatDubh and Julie; shrugs.*

*Darkness falls again.*

CATDUBH: There it goes.

JULIE: That was some weird shit.

EDGE: It looked kind of like Sting.

JULIE: You know, you're right...

*Ghost returns.*

EDGE: There it is again!

JULIE: What should we do?

CATDUBH: I don't know...Poke it with a stick!

JULIE: What?!

CATDUBH: Does the remote control work on him?

*Ghost leaves.*

CATDUBH: Oh, now look what you did!

JULIE: I didn't do anything! Aw man! Look what it did to the TV reception...


*A crowd gathers around a throne in the rec room of the PLEBA mansion.*

BRIAN ENO: It is sad to see the passing of our dear friend Sting, a true hero in these troubled times...

MONA: *sniff* He was such a tamale.

BRIAN ENO: But we must not let the end of his life mean the end of our own. That is why I am pleased to announce my marriage to the lovely former Mrs. Sting, Trudie Styler.

TRUDIE: What can I say? I have a thing for balding New Wave blondes.

ECHO: *from behind throne* New Wave, my arse.

EDGE: Did you hear something?


ENO: Hey, what's your problem, Shorty?

BONO: Why don't you feck off and ruin another Talking Heads album!

TRUDIE: Chill out Bono. We all miss Sting, but we have to move on.

SCOTTPHISTO: Um...I'm really happy for you and Trudie and everything, but I really need to leave. I gotta get back to the MacPhisto Society.

ENO: That cool with you, Mac?

MACPHISTO: Someone's gotta hold the fort while I'm gone.

ENO: Alright, have fun.


*A corridor on the second floor.*

SCOTTPHISTO: I'm 'bout to hit the road, babe.

MONA: But...but...who am I gonna throw zucchinis at?

SCOTTPHISTO: Do me a favor while I'm gone.

MONA: Anything.

SCOTTPHISTO: Don't defile Bono.

MONA: What?! But he just promised me I could be his Elevation Technician!

SCOTTPHISTO: I'm only looking out for you. Bono talks a lot, you know, but he's a heartbreaker. One minute you're all set to be his Elevation Technician, the next minute you're cleaning the loos.

MONA: *Looks at mop* Yeah...

SCOTTPHISTO: So try to maintain some level of Inter-Pantal Control, okay?

MONA: Well...alright. But only 'cause you're my soulmate! Say hi to everyone in the MacPhisto Society for me!


*Bono and Edge stand outside the PLEBA Mansion*

BONO: Holy feck it's cold out here.

EDGE: *looks at two-way radio wristwatch* It won't be much longer.

*Light.* *Enter the Ghost of Sting*

EDGE: I think it wants to talk to you. *scrams*

BONO: *gulp* Hey Gordie, what's up.

STING: Don't call me "Gordie."

BONO: Hey, you're dead, buddy, I'll call you whatever I want. What're ya gonna do to me?

STING: *sigh* You keeping an eye on the rain forest for me?

BONO: You know it.

STING: Good, good. Listen, I want to talk to you about Brian Eno.

BONO: That wanker? Believe me, I know all about that. You sure got screwed over.

STING: There's something you don't know. Eno put a hit on me.

BONO: *blinks* Eno was hitting on you? Dude, that's nothin', you should see what he's doin' to your wife!

STING: No, he put a hit on me! He hired someone to kill me so he could move in on the PLEBA mansion!

BONO: What the hell were you doing in the PLEBA mansion?

STING: I don't know! Some dark-haired girl in a camo hat chloroformed me and Bruce Springsteen and put us in these big jars in the basement. Look, the point is, you have to avenge my death!

BONO: I what? Avenge? Whatever happened to Mr. Zen Yoga Nothing-Comes-From-Violence Sting?

STING: Had you fooled, didn't I? *He disappears.*

BONO: Oh, shite.

EDGE: Wow.

BONO: Okay, listen Edge. You remember that time we went to Graceland?

EDGE: Yeah.

BONO: And we broke off from the tour group and wandered into the master bedroom?

EDGE: *blush* Yeah....

BONO: No, no, after we did that...When I found Elvis's pistol in the nightstand and I accidentally shot a hole in the waterbed? And we covered it with a pillow and snuck out and agreed not to tell anyone?

EDGE: Yeah?

BONO: Well, this is more secret than that, okay?


*Mona's bedroom.*

MACPHISTO: Mona! Why isn't the loo clean!...And why are there holes drilled in the wall? *He looks in one* Oh my...didn't Larry specifically request not to have a room adjacent to yours?

MONA: *drool*

MACPHISTO: Mona, listen to me.


MACPHISTO: You're not letting Bono do any banging, are you?

MONA: *faint*

MACPHISTO: Cause he really needs more practice at it.

MONA: *wakes up* *faints*

MACPHISTO: You'd think after all these years he wouldn't pound away at it so sloppily.

MONA: *wakes up* *faints*

MACPHISTO: How long has he been practicing the drums, anyway?

MONA: Drums?


*The rec room.*

LARRY: Well, once again we have been relegated to skimpy, pathetic supporting roles.

ADAM: Don't forget doomed.

BRIAN ENO: Would you two please tell me what Boner's problem is? He's been sulking ever since Sting died and I married his wife.

LARRY: *sneer* Yeah, he's always been unreasonable like that.

ADAM: *looks around* Um....where's Lanois? I like him a lot better.

LARRY: Leave it to us, sir, to speak with Bono. His hash will get settled directly.


*Cut to Bono sulking in a corridor on the first floor.* *Enter The Players.*

BONO: Who are you?

BLUEY: Just a meager traveling troupe of actors in search of work.

BONA: Do you have need of us?

BONO: Hmmm...as a matter of fact...do any of you belly dance?

ECHO: *points to Animatronic Edge* He does.

BONO: Em...not quite what I had in mind...



ADAM: He's a fruitcake, alright.

BRIAN ENO: I knew it. Ever since the time I wanted to replace the guitar in "Mysterious Ways" with the sound of me clipping my toenails, and he thought it might not be the most brilliant musical concept in history. I knew then, that he was a madman.

*Cut to Bono, sulking in the corridor. Enter Mona.*

MONA: There you are! When are you gonna make me your Elevation Technician?

BONO: Well, em...

MONA: Can I at least be your special tamale?

BONO: Em...

MONA: Oh! Oh! How about we screw! *Holds up power drill* Edge taught me how!

BONO: Well...

MONA: Just let me baste you? Can I hold your balls? I've got a can of cranberry sauce!

BONO: *perk* With the little ridges?

MONA: Yep.

BONO: Well...No, no. I can't. You've got to get out of here.

MONA: What do you mean?

BONO: You've got to leave the PLEBA mansion! You're too scandalous for your own good! The world can't stand another Elevated thread! All of Interference will combust! Get thee to EYKIW!

MONA: Noooooo!!!

BONO: Get thee to EYKIW, I say!


BONO: Okay, here's what I want you to do - Bona, you take this, it's supposed to be a vial of poison, right? And pour it over the plate of food. Then Bluey comes in and eats the food and passes out.

BLUEY: I'm always at death's door in these things...

BONO: And then Animatronic Edge comes in, and he says...

ECHO: Em...Animatronic Edge doesn't talk.

BONO: What?

ECHO: Yeah, see, he's kind of like Harpo Marx.

BONO: Is that so.

ECHO: Uh huh. And Bluey's our Groucho...and Bona’s sorta like Chico...

BONO: Which one are you?

ECHO: Em...Karl.

*Enter Adam and Larry*

BONO: Hey, what's up, guys?

ADAM: You've changed, man! It used to be about the songs!

BONO: Oh, man, I'm in an episode of Behind the Music.

LARRY: Eno doesn't like your attitude.

BONO: Is this about the thing with the wooden fish?

LARRY: All we know is, you better shape up or ship out.

ADAM: And when you're done here, Trudie wants to talk to you!

BONO: Oh, man! Rock star wives...they're all a bunch of harpies...

ALI: What did you say?

BONO: Nothing, dear...


*Trudie's bedroom.*

TRUDIE: I've found that if you use a moisturizer just before applying a layer of foundation, you get much better results.

MACPHISTO: Wow...I never thought of that...

TRUDIE: Oh, here he comes! Hide!

*MacPhisto looks around for place to hide, sees none.*

TRUDIE: Hurry!

*MacPhisto takes the shade off the lamp, puts it on his head. Stands very still.*

BONO: *enters* You wanted to talk to me?

TRUDIE: Yes, come sit. Now listen, I know you're upset over what happened between me and Brian...

BONO: It's awfully dark in here...mind if I turn a light on?

TRUDIE: NO! I mean...em....

BONO: What's the problem? *walks over to MacPhisto, reaches under lampshade, pulls cord*

MACPHISTO: Um...click?

BONO: What the... *rips shade off* Hey! *clocks MacPhisto*

MACPHISTO: *reeling* Ow! My jaw! My glamorous jaw!

BONO: Dude, you are so busted.


*The kitchen of the PLEBA Mansion.*

MONA: Hey, check out my new Bon Jovi Cuisinart!

BRIAN ENO: Oh, lovely.

*Edge enters, wearing tool belt.*

BRIAN ENO: Ah, Edge...getting ready to do some screwing, no doubt.

MONA: *is scandalized*

EDGE: Yeah, you know me...whenever I see a hole I just gotta do some pounding.

MONA: *faints*

BRIAN ENO: You really tore that wall up good, didn't you, Mona?

MONA: *starts to get up* Oh, the wall.

*Suddenly Larry enters, holding a bag*

LARRY: Hey Eno, what do you want me to do with my balls?

BRIAN ENO: Juts keep them in your sack for now...take 'em out to the tennis court, we're gonna slap 'em around later.

MONA: !!!

*Suddenly Adam enters*

ADAM: Hey guys, I -- *His sarong falls off* Whoops!

MONA: !!!!!!!

BRIAN ENO: *standing next to the microwave* Does anyone want a Hot Pocket? Or maybe a Pop Tart?

EDGE: Well, I'm gonna get back to screwing...

MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!

*Suddenly Bono enters*

BONO: Um...the elevator is broken...

MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls over dead*

BRIAN ENO: Oh no...

EDGE: She scandalized herself to death!

BRIAN ENO: Oh man. ScottPhisto is gonna be pissed off.


*Edge's bedroom.* *Enter Bono.*

EDGE: *looks up from workbench* Hey, man.

BONO: Hey. Whatcha working on?

EDGE: I'm doing you a favor. Tomorrow night's the big Atari Championship.


EDGE: So, everyone's gonna be there! It's your chance for revenge!

BONO: But I can't play video games worth a crap! The last time I tried, my frog got run over by two cars! And I was playing Tetris!

EDGE: I know...that's why no one will anticipate your stunning victory! See, I took a break from perfecting cold fusion --- 'cause really, that can wait --- and I rigged this game controller. Whoever uses this will surely lose; the buttons have all been reprogrammed.

BONO: That's brilliant! I'll humiliate them all!

EDGE: Now before everyone shows up, I'm gonna go and hook this up to the player two console...So you always gotta be player one, got it?

BONO: No problem.


*The video arcade at the PLEBA Mansion.*

BRIAN ENO: Quiet please! Now I know it's been a long, hard...

EDGE: *blush*

BRIAN ENO: ...tournament. But I'm please to announce the two finalists: ScottPhsito and Bono! ScottPhisto, you were last year's champion, so you may choose the game for the final showdown.

SCOTTPHISTO: I choose...Ms. Pac-Man.

BONO: Shite.

SCOTTPHISTO: *nods and grins* Oh yeah, it's on now, Shorty.

*Bono wins the first round. The crowd goes wild. Bono does a victory lap around the heart-shaped catwalk that surrounds the arcade. ScottPhisto fumes. When Bono returns, he grabs for a controller and gets set for Round Two.*


*Bono starts, going for the power pill to the right...but Ms. Pac-Man goes to the left! Oh no! Bono has picked up the wrong controller!*

*Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*

SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?

BONO: Dammit Larry! Point your shirt somewhere else! I'm trying to play!

LARRY: A thousand pardons. *turns*

*Pop! Pop!*


LARRY: Oh God, sorry!

SCOTTPHISTO: *Hand over eye* I can't play like this!

BRIAN ENO: Oh no! The tournament is ruined!

*Brian Eno gets up from he throne. He steps down and slips on some nachos*

BRIAN ENO: Gah! *falls, bonks head and dies*

*Echo does the Happy Dance.*

EDGE: *sniff* I can't help but think that those nachos were meant for me...

BONO: *Throws down controller* Aw, man...I was so close.

EDGE: Don't worry about it. ScottPhisto's gonna have to forfeit anyway.

BONO: You know Edge...*waves dismissively at videogame* It occurs to me that the problems of three musicians, a dyslexic, a devil, a shitty ambient producer, and a bunch of horny women don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

EDGE: Bono, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

*They walk off into the sunset.*

MONA: *rises from the dead* Hey! That's not how this pla---THE END

*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!

"Sting, you know I love you but you got a hell of a lot to learn about Rock n' Roll." -Bono

"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" - Me

*Somewhere, Edge blushes.*

Bono-Man! An Epic Superhero Adventure!

The Official PLEBA Glossary: Delicious AND Nutritious!

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Old 11-30-2001, 04:53 PM   #2
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ECHO!!!!!! omg! so funny! and yay! i was in it

sorry this post is so short, i'm running out of my house right now. *zoom* i'll be back. but yay! it was awesome!

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Old 11-30-2001, 05:06 PM   #3
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WOW! That was commendable Echo! I laughed so hard, thanks so much!
I've been in Hamlet and your attention to details was insanely good! BRAVO!
My favorite part...."Umm, click?" LMFAO!
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Old 11-30-2001, 05:12 PM   #4
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YAY, Echo!!

hehe great sketch

Sting as Gordie LMAO! *tumbs up*

PS: Please update on MPS!

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Old 11-30-2001, 05:36 PM   #5
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LMAO!!!!!!!!! I have TEARS in my eyes!!!!!! An atari championship?! Genius. Mona scandalizing herself to death?! WONDERFUL LMAO!!! Two thumbs up Bono still needs to write me a sonnet....

If it weren't so raunchy (not that that's a bad thing) I'd bring it into AP English

Echo's Pimpstress Protege, capable of scandalizing ScottPhisto with AngelinaLips....

97% compatible with Bono

Proud Owner of the one and only Bon Jovi soap caddy

Love me, give me soul.

The PLEBA Mansion, where the play's the thing...

For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono! ~Echo~
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Old 11-30-2001, 05:53 PM   #6
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LMFAO!!!!! OMG!!!! I'm like laughing so hard that i've not stopped yet and I like snorted my nose into my brain and I started wheezing lmao this is the funniest shite i've seen in awhile lmao

*Suddenly Larry enters, holding a bag*

LARRY: Hey Eno, what do you want me to do with my balls?

BRIAN ENO: Juts keep them in your sack for now...take 'em out to the tennis court, we're gonna slap 'em around later.

*is scandalized* OMG funny as hell

Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*

SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?

BONO: Dammit Larry! Point your shirt somewhere else! I'm trying to play!

LARRY: A thousand pardons. *turns*
*Pop! Pop!*


LARRY: Oh God, sorry!

OMG That was so fecking funny...ahhh my stomach hurts from laughing so much

The U2 revolution has been reinstated.

THE Larry Mullen Jr. Page

Meeting Larry:
*MG shows Larry poster*
*Larry reads poster*
*Larry smiles and says "Thank you that's very nice of you"*
*Larry signs paper, shakes MG's hand*
*MG almost dies then sees tearaway pants and gets bad ideas*
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Old 11-30-2001, 06:11 PM   #7
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I just don't ever know what to say about this stuff any more, but it had me laughing so hard, I nearly snorted cajun rice and beans up into my brain!

Fave parts:

*Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*

SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?


Mackie: "Um...click?" LMFAO!!! GAWD!!!

You rock, Echo...er, I mean, KARL.

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Old 11-30-2001, 07:53 PM   #8
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You know this would have served as great study guide last year for my Hamlet test. Wow girl talk about paying attention to detail. It was so fecking hilarious I wish I had this much fun reading the real thing.

Tha Prickly Comedian
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Old 11-30-2001, 10:49 PM   #9
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Hamlet? noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

wait, PLEBA does Hamlet? yes! silly me, i read the Shakesperian version, but this one was so much better.

*i must pull myself away from PLEBA and return to reading King Lear. does the Shakespeare never end?*

"Revolution starts at home, in your heart, in your refusal to compromise your beliefs and your values." - Bono

"And I wear gray underwear." -Bono


Visit my webpage for U2 wallpapers:

You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover, then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed...
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Old 11-30-2001, 10:56 PM   #10
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As you can see, I still owe Lars one...


To set the scene:
The houses of Bono and Phisto are in the middle of an all-out war that erupts on the streets of fair PLEBA-Ville.

Scottphisto and Macphisto have been dueling. Scottphisto's best friend, The Fly, tried to stop them, but Scottphisto was hurt in the struggle...

SCOTTPHISTO: *Looks down* Hey...*chuckle* I'm okay...really...
*Macphisto and the Fly look at him, knowing he's lying*
SCOTTPHISTO: *Removes hand from side...sees blood* *Weak* Aw, shite. I hate...you guys...*falls down*
*The Fly runs over to his fallen friend*
FLY: Dude...I...you'll be okay...just, um...just look at me! That makes everyone feel better...
SCOTTPHISTO: *Weaker* Why hath thou...came between...him and I? My bosom was pierced...under your arm...
FLY: *Utterly lost* What?
SCOTTPHISTO: You moron! Why the hell did you get in my way! I was friggin' stabbed!!!
FLY: Oh. Sorry.
FLY: Feck.

That just kinda....came out there....

What a schmo.


The Man-Slut of PLEBA

Card carrying member of Echo's Boy Cleaning Service.

Devourer of Ewoks

70% water, 30% Chocolatey Goodness!!

"I'm not wearing any underwear! Now gimmie a cookie!!" -Unknown
Is this love? Or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?

[This message has been edited by Scottphisto (edited 11-30-2001).]

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