Ok this chapter is a bit of a downer one between Edge and Katrina, but it was the only way I could move onto the next chapter, which will probably include Larry and be much more upbeat and happier times will prevail..
BTW Larry was never even meant to be in this story when I started it, but I decided I couldnt leave him out in the end after bring Bono and Adam into it
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Despite Katrina claiming that seeing Paul Gilson had not really bothered her, Edge could not help but see the change in her after that day. She was a little more subdued and as the weeks progressed, there she seemed a little strained in his company at times and had lost her enthusiasm to give herself to him quite so willingly as before.
Although she claimed she was happy with being with him, Edge felt sure at times she realised it was not the kind of life she had been brought up in, and it could be very difficult,
Maybe seeing Paul had made her think back to what she had lost, or to consider what might have been if they had got married, he could not blame her. But Edge knew she would never admit it to him, because she would not want to seem ungrateful, so he let her be and made no comment in the change in her demeanour towards him.
After all had he not considered this problem when he had married Katrina, that one day she would realise how much she had married beneath her. So he decided it would be best to give her space in hope she could sort herself out and decide what she wanted.
As the weeks passed there was a growing distance between both of them, and neither of them were sure how to go about bridging the gap, Katrina scared if she got too close to Edge she would blurt out her love for him.
Edge deciding this was how Katrina wanted things, and he respected her wishes, but at the same time feeling a sense of frustration building up inside him, realising he really missed having her in his arms, to have her smile up at him, so willing so eager to please.
He had not realised how much she had come to mean to him until now, and it troubled him a little. When they had got married things had been straightforward, and clean cut, between them, he would protect her from her downfall and give her a roof over her head where she could feel safe that was all he had intended to do.
But they had defined that, by moving beyond it and becoming intimate, until the rules of their relationship had become blurred. Neither of them sure what to expect from each other anymore, or if the comfortable companionship they had shared so far was all they wanted and need, or did they want more?
Edge suddenly didn’t know where he stood were Katrina was concerned, he was her husband, even her lover, but did he love her?
It was something he had been pondering over a lot lately, so much so, he suddenly felt guilty that he had almost forgotten it would have been the sixth wedding anniversary
for him and Juanita if she had not died, complicating his emotions further feeling like he had betrayed her and their son’s memory somehow.
He spent most of the afternoon right into the late evening by their graveside, trying to figure out, how to deal with his newfound situation, he returned home with it still unresolved which did not put him in a good mood.
Katrina was sitting by the fireside almost dozing of in the chair when he came in, but she wakened and sat up with a small smile “You are home late tonight” she remarked
“I had to be somewhere” Edge replied, coming to stand by the warmth of the fire, after being out in the chilly evening so long by the graveside, one hand leaning against the breast wall of the fire drawing heat from it .
“Oh” Was Katrina’s only response, she watched his face, the shadows of the dancing flames from the fire reflected in his solemn expression as he stared into them.
“Is everything alright?” she finally found herself asking, getting the feeling there was something troubling him
He looked round at her, as if suddenly realising she was there, then shot her a small smile, but she couldn’t help noticing it did not reach his eyes when he spoke
“Everything is fine”
She was not convinced, and now stood up coming over to stand next to him with a look of concern
“There has been no more trouble, has there? Those men, they have not approached you again?” she queried anxiously
“No-No nothing like that” Edge hurriedly reassured her, then hesitated and decided he had better explain a little before she got herself into a state.
“Yesterday would have been my wedding anniversary with Juanita.. I was just spending some time by her graveside” he informed her quietly
“I see” Katrina replied, relieved in one way, but feeling a strange painful twist in her gut at the same time
“Times like this must be very difficult for you,” she then said in a small tight voice, she put her hand gently on his arm in a gesture of comfort, “perhaps if you talk about her, talk about what happened, it will make you feel better..” she then suggested.
Edge looked round at her, his expression unreadable. Being a methodical man he had been attempting to keep Katrina and his first wife Juanita in two separate compartments in his brain so he could deal with his mixture of emotions he felt over both women. Unburdening himself on Katrina was not the answer, that much he did know
“I would rather not talk about it, besides it’s nothing you need concern yourself with” he finally replied
“It is very hard not to concern myself, when my husband is unhappy” Katrina replied a little stiffly removing her hand from his arm and keeping her head lowered so he couldn’t see the hurt she felt at what she could only describe as rejection of her well intentioned help.
“Why would it be so terrible to speak to me of Juanita? Why is there that part of you, you always feel you need to shut yourself of from me still after all this time, after all we have shared together?” she then demanded now looking up at him in bewilderment.
Perhaps I do not wish to discuss it with you because it has nothing to do with us and what we share, and I don’t see how talking about the loss of my wife and child with you is going to make me feel better, you could not understand.. and the last thing I need is you pitying me” he informed her a little grimly, not like the fact she was being so pushy and would not let the subject rest
“You think all I can offer you is pity?” Katrina exclaimed in disbelief looking up at him wide eyed now.
“Well what else could you offer in such a case?” he demanded
‘I could offer you my love, my understanding’ she cried out silently in her head, biting down on her lip to prevent the words from leaving her mouth. She had the feeling that was not what Edge wanted to hear, how could he when he was still in love with Juanita? So she swallowed hard and suddenly went on the defensive to try and smother the ache in her heart.
“Was it not your pity for me that brought us together?” she enquired her voice held a tremor of emotion “Did you not marry me because you felt sorry and pity for me in my destitution? Is that not the reason why I am here with you now? because of your pity for me?”
She moved closer to him, letting him see the anger and frustration welling up in her blue eyes as she looked into his face.
“Why is it alright for you to pity me and I have to graciously accept it, and be grateful for it,”
“That is different” Edge returned sharply not liking the way she was backing him into a corner, and not understanding why she was getting so heated up
“How is it different? Why is it different? Just answer me that?” Katrina fired back
He couldn’t and it just angered him further. “I don’t need this right now Kat” he told her. Unable to deal with any further confrontation stormed towards the door
“Where are you going?” Katrina demanded
“Out, anywhere away from here!” Edge snapped opening the door and leaving
Part of her wanting to run after him and grab him back and say she was sorry, but she was too emotionally shaken. This had been the first time they had been angry with each other, and it had left her drained. All she could do was sink into the nearby chair cover her hands with her face and weep.
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Edge didn’t know how far he walked, or the length of time he stayed out before he manage to calm himself down and think rationally again. He wasn’t sure what had happened to even cause the argument, though lately had had to admit there had been tension bubbling up for the past few weeks now in the growing distance between them,
What had caused it he wasn’t sure just that they both seem to be locked in some private emotional battle of their own lately and unable to reach out to each other.
It only came settled in his brain now that he had cooled down, that Katrina’s offer to listen to him talk about the loss of his wife and child had been her attempt to reach out, and he had rejected it, perhaps his handling of the situation had not been so good either
He had become angry because he knew she was right in her assessment of the situation, but his pride and stubbornness had refused to admit it, which was why he had stormed out of the house. He was thoroughly pissed with himself, and wasn’t sure how he could face her again.
But not wanting the awful atmosphere between them to continue, he felt he had to go back and apologise to her.
When he returned, the house was in darkness, and Katrina was in her bed, lighting the oil lamp and turning it low he went into the bedroom, she was lying with her eyes tightly shut, but by the tenseness of her body he could tell she was not asleep, just pretending.
He undressed and climbed in next to her, she had her back turned to him not moving or saying a word.
He leaned over and noticed her eyes were still closed, he let out a soft sigh, quite understanding she was still angry with him
“Kat, I know you are not sleeping, though you can go on pretending if you like because you are mad at me, but I just wanted to let you know I am sorry if I upset you tonight, I did not meant to hurt you, please believe me” and in a small gesture of reconciliation he lightly kissed her cheek.
Katrina heard every word, but did not dare to move , scared that if she opened her mouth she would tell him she forgive him because she loved him so much. He was such a complex man. A dreamer, thoughtful, gentle, kind, yet he could be stubborn and proud whose temper could quickly rise one moment and disappear the next.
She just knew she accepted him, faults included, and loved everything about him. She wondered could he ever love her in the same way.. she just hoped and prayed hard she could make him do so.
BTW Larry was never even meant to be in this story when I started it, but I decided I couldnt leave him out in the end after bring Bono and Adam into it
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Despite Katrina claiming that seeing Paul Gilson had not really bothered her, Edge could not help but see the change in her after that day. She was a little more subdued and as the weeks progressed, there she seemed a little strained in his company at times and had lost her enthusiasm to give herself to him quite so willingly as before.
Although she claimed she was happy with being with him, Edge felt sure at times she realised it was not the kind of life she had been brought up in, and it could be very difficult,
Maybe seeing Paul had made her think back to what she had lost, or to consider what might have been if they had got married, he could not blame her. But Edge knew she would never admit it to him, because she would not want to seem ungrateful, so he let her be and made no comment in the change in her demeanour towards him.
After all had he not considered this problem when he had married Katrina, that one day she would realise how much she had married beneath her. So he decided it would be best to give her space in hope she could sort herself out and decide what she wanted.
As the weeks passed there was a growing distance between both of them, and neither of them were sure how to go about bridging the gap, Katrina scared if she got too close to Edge she would blurt out her love for him.
Edge deciding this was how Katrina wanted things, and he respected her wishes, but at the same time feeling a sense of frustration building up inside him, realising he really missed having her in his arms, to have her smile up at him, so willing so eager to please.
He had not realised how much she had come to mean to him until now, and it troubled him a little. When they had got married things had been straightforward, and clean cut, between them, he would protect her from her downfall and give her a roof over her head where she could feel safe that was all he had intended to do.
But they had defined that, by moving beyond it and becoming intimate, until the rules of their relationship had become blurred. Neither of them sure what to expect from each other anymore, or if the comfortable companionship they had shared so far was all they wanted and need, or did they want more?
Edge suddenly didn’t know where he stood were Katrina was concerned, he was her husband, even her lover, but did he love her?
It was something he had been pondering over a lot lately, so much so, he suddenly felt guilty that he had almost forgotten it would have been the sixth wedding anniversary
for him and Juanita if she had not died, complicating his emotions further feeling like he had betrayed her and their son’s memory somehow.
He spent most of the afternoon right into the late evening by their graveside, trying to figure out, how to deal with his newfound situation, he returned home with it still unresolved which did not put him in a good mood.
Katrina was sitting by the fireside almost dozing of in the chair when he came in, but she wakened and sat up with a small smile “You are home late tonight” she remarked
“I had to be somewhere” Edge replied, coming to stand by the warmth of the fire, after being out in the chilly evening so long by the graveside, one hand leaning against the breast wall of the fire drawing heat from it .
“Oh” Was Katrina’s only response, she watched his face, the shadows of the dancing flames from the fire reflected in his solemn expression as he stared into them.
“Is everything alright?” she finally found herself asking, getting the feeling there was something troubling him
He looked round at her, as if suddenly realising she was there, then shot her a small smile, but she couldn’t help noticing it did not reach his eyes when he spoke
“Everything is fine”
She was not convinced, and now stood up coming over to stand next to him with a look of concern
“There has been no more trouble, has there? Those men, they have not approached you again?” she queried anxiously
“No-No nothing like that” Edge hurriedly reassured her, then hesitated and decided he had better explain a little before she got herself into a state.
“Yesterday would have been my wedding anniversary with Juanita.. I was just spending some time by her graveside” he informed her quietly
“I see” Katrina replied, relieved in one way, but feeling a strange painful twist in her gut at the same time
“Times like this must be very difficult for you,” she then said in a small tight voice, she put her hand gently on his arm in a gesture of comfort, “perhaps if you talk about her, talk about what happened, it will make you feel better..” she then suggested.
Edge looked round at her, his expression unreadable. Being a methodical man he had been attempting to keep Katrina and his first wife Juanita in two separate compartments in his brain so he could deal with his mixture of emotions he felt over both women. Unburdening himself on Katrina was not the answer, that much he did know
“I would rather not talk about it, besides it’s nothing you need concern yourself with” he finally replied
“It is very hard not to concern myself, when my husband is unhappy” Katrina replied a little stiffly removing her hand from his arm and keeping her head lowered so he couldn’t see the hurt she felt at what she could only describe as rejection of her well intentioned help.
“Why would it be so terrible to speak to me of Juanita? Why is there that part of you, you always feel you need to shut yourself of from me still after all this time, after all we have shared together?” she then demanded now looking up at him in bewilderment.
Perhaps I do not wish to discuss it with you because it has nothing to do with us and what we share, and I don’t see how talking about the loss of my wife and child with you is going to make me feel better, you could not understand.. and the last thing I need is you pitying me” he informed her a little grimly, not like the fact she was being so pushy and would not let the subject rest
“You think all I can offer you is pity?” Katrina exclaimed in disbelief looking up at him wide eyed now.
“Well what else could you offer in such a case?” he demanded
‘I could offer you my love, my understanding’ she cried out silently in her head, biting down on her lip to prevent the words from leaving her mouth. She had the feeling that was not what Edge wanted to hear, how could he when he was still in love with Juanita? So she swallowed hard and suddenly went on the defensive to try and smother the ache in her heart.
“Was it not your pity for me that brought us together?” she enquired her voice held a tremor of emotion “Did you not marry me because you felt sorry and pity for me in my destitution? Is that not the reason why I am here with you now? because of your pity for me?”
She moved closer to him, letting him see the anger and frustration welling up in her blue eyes as she looked into his face.
“Why is it alright for you to pity me and I have to graciously accept it, and be grateful for it,”
“That is different” Edge returned sharply not liking the way she was backing him into a corner, and not understanding why she was getting so heated up
“How is it different? Why is it different? Just answer me that?” Katrina fired back
He couldn’t and it just angered him further. “I don’t need this right now Kat” he told her. Unable to deal with any further confrontation stormed towards the door
“Where are you going?” Katrina demanded
“Out, anywhere away from here!” Edge snapped opening the door and leaving
Part of her wanting to run after him and grab him back and say she was sorry, but she was too emotionally shaken. This had been the first time they had been angry with each other, and it had left her drained. All she could do was sink into the nearby chair cover her hands with her face and weep.
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Edge didn’t know how far he walked, or the length of time he stayed out before he manage to calm himself down and think rationally again. He wasn’t sure what had happened to even cause the argument, though lately had had to admit there had been tension bubbling up for the past few weeks now in the growing distance between them,
What had caused it he wasn’t sure just that they both seem to be locked in some private emotional battle of their own lately and unable to reach out to each other.
It only came settled in his brain now that he had cooled down, that Katrina’s offer to listen to him talk about the loss of his wife and child had been her attempt to reach out, and he had rejected it, perhaps his handling of the situation had not been so good either
He had become angry because he knew she was right in her assessment of the situation, but his pride and stubbornness had refused to admit it, which was why he had stormed out of the house. He was thoroughly pissed with himself, and wasn’t sure how he could face her again.
But not wanting the awful atmosphere between them to continue, he felt he had to go back and apologise to her.
When he returned, the house was in darkness, and Katrina was in her bed, lighting the oil lamp and turning it low he went into the bedroom, she was lying with her eyes tightly shut, but by the tenseness of her body he could tell she was not asleep, just pretending.
He undressed and climbed in next to her, she had her back turned to him not moving or saying a word.
He leaned over and noticed her eyes were still closed, he let out a soft sigh, quite understanding she was still angry with him
“Kat, I know you are not sleeping, though you can go on pretending if you like because you are mad at me, but I just wanted to let you know I am sorry if I upset you tonight, I did not meant to hurt you, please believe me” and in a small gesture of reconciliation he lightly kissed her cheek.
Katrina heard every word, but did not dare to move , scared that if she opened her mouth she would tell him she forgive him because she loved him so much. He was such a complex man. A dreamer, thoughtful, gentle, kind, yet he could be stubborn and proud whose temper could quickly rise one moment and disappear the next.
She just knew she accepted him, faults included, and loved everything about him. She wondered could he ever love her in the same way.. she just hoped and prayed hard she could make him do so.
