So...what exactly happens if Lupin from Harry Potter is replaced with Bono? - U2 Feedback

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Old 09-11-2005, 12:34 AM   #1
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So...what exactly happens if Lupin from Harry Potter is replaced with Bono?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Bono [sadly] or anyone ever. This is entirely fictional and retarded and it's just something my friend Charlie and I wrote one night on AIM, being totally silly. It has a lot of inside jokes and I hope it's not considered inappropriate, I toned it down a bit, there was nothing really bad in it in the first place but just in case, y'know.

This fic of sorts (which is not meant to be paticularly well written as you can probably tell from the format alone) has a lot of inside jokes but hopefully a lot of it is amusing to anyone (or U2 fans at least. and Harry Potter fans). I'll explain some of the characters though it's not extremely important to know who they are. I'm Astrid and my friend is Charlie whom I have recently converted to U2 fandom [he's sonoftelepunk on here]. Mr. Leavitt is a teacher we had last year whose favourite band was U2, and we somehow got an inside joke about Bono helping him since he was starving (he's a very skinny bloke). And he doesn't teach at our school anymore so I'm mad at him. Ramon is my Mexican friend. Cody is my friend who thinks he's a robot. JP is some guy that hits on every girl ever. Mr. Chester is a substitute we had for Chemistry for a long time that was dumb and drew boats for 6 weeks and probably liked JP's ass. Just about everyone else is either from Harry Potter or U2. Or some other people you should already know.

If you actually bother to read this, enjoy. Post feedback or even criticism if you wish, but as I stated before this is not meant to be a literary masterpiece, it was just my friend and I messing around.

Bono: Harry Potter, my name is Bono. I mean, Lupin. And I'm here to guide you by being awesome. I mean, a werewolf. I mean, I teach...Black Arts. Something like that. HELLO HELLO...

Harry Potter: ...can I have your autograph?!

Ron: Who the hell's this bloke with the things over his eyes?

Bono: I'M PROFESSOR BONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! ...I mean, Lupin. Yes..that's it, I'm Lupin, not the incredibly hot Bono.....just the incredibly hot Lupin....that can sing...and help Africans....

Hermione: Are you a new professor, for Defense Against the Dark Arts?

Bono: Why yes I am.

Hermione: Oh, well - ZOMG SHIIIIIT THATS A DEMENTOR!!!

Bono: No, that's just the lead singer of Coldplay.

Chris Martin: Bono I almost lost you... I need help with the lyrics for my new song, "The Location at Which the Signs Next to the Roads Have Nothing Written On Them..." So far I've got "I want to hide...I want to run. That hold me inside...I want to tear down the walls. And touch the fire...I want to reach out."

Harry: Shit guyz this dementor iz liek killing us!!! PATRONUS!!! ...Oh wait I forgot, I can't do that yet.

Bono: I can teach you...Uno...dos...tres...CATORCE!!!

*big silver thing appears and knocks Chris Martin unconscious*

Hermione: Well that's quite an odd incanation, I don't believe I've ever heard of that before! Surely in one of my textbooks, I must have overlooked, I mean... professor, how did you do thaT?

Bono: Simple....I'm Bono....I mean Lupin.

Hermione: But you said Bono...

Bono: I wanna trip inside your head, spend the day there. *Hermione's memory is wiped clean*

Hermione: ...who am I? What am I doing here?

Ron: Blimey Hermione, what are you on about...

Hermione: Is that my name? Oh how very nice!

Harry: Er...right then...CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

Dumbledore: Damn, Bono...I mean Lupin is more popular than me....I think we'll have to change that *takes out wand*

Bono: We're gonna break the monster's back

*Dumbledore's mind wiped clean*

Dumbledore: Who am I?

Bono: You were just about to make out with Hermione.

*Dumbledore and Hermione proceed to make out*

Ron: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Harry: Damn that's hot, I want in on that...I mean...CAN I HAVE YER FUCKING AUTOGRAPH, BONO!?

Bono: Of course you can. I mean, I'm not Bono, I'm Lupin, the new Offense Against Bad Art teacher...

Harry: Don't you mean, Defense Against the Dark Arts?

Bono: ...sometimes you can't make it on your own.

Harry: Omigod...you're totally right...your words have really touched me...I feel...omigod did you know my parentS? they died...I'm gonna cry...omigod.

Bono: Shadows and Taaaaaalllll Trees.

*Harry starts to attack Ron because because he realizes he has no future and will never be more important than Bono*

Ron: *in End of the World accent* Shit guyz he iz attacking me!

Harry: *crying* My parents are dead...I'm so sad...I'll never be as awesome as Bono... my only hope in this world is to kill Ron...

Bono: I've got no hope in this world, just you, and you are not mine.

Harry: ...BONO'S IN LOVE WITH ME YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: *glad Harry has stopped attacking him* Wait a minute, who's Bono? I thought that guy was Lupin.

Draco: Here I am to pick another pointless fight with Potter. Potter, you're a fag.

Bono: I can feeeellllll!!!!

*Draco's head explodes*

Harry: ... *attempts to try and make out with Bono*

Bono: No....no....no.

Harry: But I love you! We are meant for each other!

Ron: This is by far the worse slash fanfic ever.

Bono: BOOM CHA!

*Harry disappears*

Bono: I'm not the only one, staring at the sun...

*Ron starts staring at the sun, catches on fire, and dies*

Snape: Here I am to yell at Potter for something he probably didn't do...wait, where is he?

Bono: He's up with the sun, and he's not coming down. He's already gone, and he's felt that way all along.

Snape: ...right...and who are you??

Bono: Bono, er, I mean...Lupin.

Snape: YOU'RE A WEREWOLF! Oh, excuse me, did I say that out loud? My bad.

Bono: And you can dream, so dream out loud, and you can find your own way out.

*Snape is suddenly trapped in a large box*

Mr: Leavitt: Please help me...I'm starving... *sees Hermione and Dumbledore making babies, throws up even though there was nothing in his stomach so he throws up acid*

*Bono rushes over and cradles Leavitt in his arms*

Astrid: BONO I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! *knocks Mr. Leavitt outta the way* Serves you right, abandoning me an' everyone else... and then going behind my back with Bono...

Mr. Leavitt: But didn't you know? I got offered a job at Hogwarts...I couldn't resist...

JP: Well lookie what we have here...

Mr. Chester: *drools* JP's ass...

Harry: *somehow back* SHIT GUYS IT'S VOLDEMORT!

Charlie: *somehow there* No that's just Mr. Che -

Harry: PATRONUS! No, wait, I still can't do that, and even if I could it wouldn't do anything.

Bono: Dis co theque!!

*Chester dies, just as he finished a small boat drawing that took him 6 weeks*

Astrid: *latched onto Bono* Sing that again baby...

Harry: BONO IS MY LOVER NOT YOURS!!!!! RAR NUMBERS.

*Bono blinks and sends Harry flying onto the astronomy tower*

Snape: *from inside the box* You idiot, we're still in the Hogwarts Express!

Bono: Lookin' for a sound that's gonna drown out the world!! *Snape dies*

Astrid: *drool* You sing all my favourite songs, let's do stuff a bunch of times.

JP: Well it couldn't be worse than those two... *points to Dumbledore and Hermione. A very sticky mess I'd rather not go into detail about.* ...Wow, that was very insightful, even for me.

Charlie: Don't flatter yourself, you should have said especially for you.

Ramon: KILT IM!

Bono: Well this is very nice and all but now I've got to go teach at this stop unzipping my pants please.

Astrid: But...but... *resolves that attempting to make out with him is enough for now*

Harry: *somehow back, again* IT SHOULD BE ME UNZIPPING THOSE PANTS!!!

Hermione: *interrupting her session with Dumbledore for a random bout of knowledge that she shouldn't have since her memory was wiped* Harry must be under the Imperius Curse, or a Love potion, or both!

Charlie: Your FACE must be under the Imperius Curse, or a Love potion, or both.

Ramon: KILT ER!

Ron: *somehow back from the dead...you know how fanfiction works.* Dude, we're at Hogwarts now, the train is stopping.

Charlie: Your knee is stopping!

Ramon and Astrid: KILT IM!!!!!!!!!

Ron: *dies again. cuz he was kilt.*

Bono: Well nice as this is... I am Professor Lupin, and now I must go teach my students all the things I've learned.

Harry: Teach me Lupin!! Teach me how to fu- *gets struck by lightning*

God: I won't let you bring such filthy homosexual language into the wholesome Harry Potter series.

Pope: Oh STFU already, I've had it up to here with you bossing people around.

God: Quiet, you Nazi Death Eater. Don't think I don't know about your past.

Stalin hanging out with God: Who are you yelling at honey?

God: Oh just the Pope...

Stalin: The Pope? How many divisions has he got?

Hitler: Baby come back to bed!

Stalin: IN A MINUTE!

God: I thought you said it was over between you two!!

Astrid: U2!!!!!!

Bono: You're right, I AM part of U2! What am I doing here at Hogwarts, I gotta get back to the band, we've got a show to do tonight!

Astrid: Can we make out first?

Bono: Yes of course. I mean, no, of course not. I mean... Mr. Leavitt!!!!!*runs over to Mr. Leavitt, who is still starving*

Harry: This fanfic blows. I'm like not even in it anymore. And damn Bono is hot.

Snape: Agreed....for once.

Charlie: Well duh Bono is hot, but what about ME? *beam*

Astrid: Well you DO have sexy eyebrows...wait Bono, where are you going?!

Bono: I have to take this poor starving child to a place called Vertigo.

Mr. Leavitt: *drooling*

Me: That's not a starving child, that's a starving Mr. Leavitt...

God: Bono, have you not forgotten you are my Son? You can heal him.

Bono: Oh yeah. *heals him*

Leavitt: But I thought I was gonna see vertigo...

Astrid: Haha, I already saw Vertigo Tour, and now I'm going to latch onto Bono while he performs.

Charlie: This is just going more and more downhill. I should probably type more, otherwise it will end up being some god-awful NC-17 story involving Astrid and Bono. ...hey maybe it should end up like that, cause then I could sell it to U2 anime fans all over the globe.

Astrid: Good idea! ...but why anime? OH WELL! Bono, let's make that dream a reality!!

Bono: But I'm married and I have a show to do and -

Astrid: Pleeeeeeeeease?

Bono: Please, please, get up off your knees yeah please...

Hermione and Dumbledore: WE'RE STILL HERE YOU KNOW!

Leavitt: So am I... but I'm starving.

Bono: No you're not, I healed you.

Leavitt: Oh...right. Well I'm starving...again.

Bono: That quickly? Do you have the metabolism of a hummingbird?

Leavitt: I'm actually a hummingbird trapped in a man's body.

Hermione: Aren't we all...

Charlie: Uhhh...no.

Dumbledore: I KNOW I AM!

Hermione: Ooooo yea, I know you are too baby.

Han Solo: May the Force be with you.

Ramon: Word Life!

Some guy named Scott: Word Life? What does that MEAN?

Bono: Sigh...

Astrid: I know, it's awful isn't it, we keep trying to have a little fun but stuff interrupts us.

Charlie: I think he meant something else.

Astrid: What else could he POSSIBLY mean?

Bono: I'm so tired...I haven't slept a wink. I'm sooo tiired...my mind is on the brink.

John Lennon: Way to steal my lyrics, asshole.

Paul McCartney: Kilt im!

Ramon: Hey, that's my line.

Paul: You trying to start a fight with me, you dirty spic?

Cody: Aw shit son!

Ramon: YARRRR!!!!

Astrod: YARR PIRATES ARE AWESOME!

The Edge: Did someone call me?

Astrid: Um...I did!" *latches onto The Edge* let's be 2gthr 4evr plz thnx

Bono: Wait, I thought you wanted to be with me...

Me: You can BOTH be with me!!!

Edge: ...slash fanfiction AND self-insertion? I am SO out of here.

Astrid: *still latched onto him* Wait, you can't leave, you're a pirate, and so is everyone here!! *glances at Bono* ...except him but he's hot so it doesn't matter.

Hermione: I'm a .... pirate?

Dumbledore: I'M A PIRATE YAY!

Astrid: Shit I forgot about the two of you.

Charlie: You forgot? What about all the noise they're makin'?

Astrid: Well I was too distracted by Bono's moaning...

Bono: What? I'm not moaning.

Me: You will be in a second baby.

Moaning Mertyle: IT'S A HARRY POTTER FANFIC SO HERE I AM!!!!!!! Didn't someone say moaning?

Harry: Oh great. *rolls eyes*

Mertyle: I thought you liked me, Harry..*sniff sniff* Everyone is so mean to poor Moaning Mertyle...

Cody: Get over it you whining emo gothic blah blah blah *goes on verbal rampage and shatters her soul; one of the pieces cuts him*

Harry: Oh you're injured, I can fix that, REPAIRO!

Hermione: *randomly has her memory back* Harry, that spell is for fixing objects, not people.

Cody: But I'm a robot.

Ramon: KILT ER!

Hermione: Oh, well that works I guess - OMG get off me you dirty old man!!!

Dumbledore: Baby are you tired? We HAVE been going at it for hours.

Charlie: And I haven't gotten any all this time??!!!

Dumbledore: Baby if you wanted some all you had to do is ask!

Charlie: That's disguisting so much so that I'm gonna go get something to eat.

JP: I'm still here you know...

Astrid: I haven't gotten any either, things keep getting in our way, right Bono?

Bono: I'm not talking to you anymore.

Astrid: WHAT!? Why?!

Bono: You were going to cheat on me with Edge.

Astrid: No I wasn't, I said we could all do it together!

Mr. Leavitt: Help me I'm starving...

Astrid: You're always starving, ever heard of FOOD?

Ramon: KILT IM!!!!

Paul McCartney: Hey that's my line

Ramon: You tryin' to start something you dirty cracker?

Charlie: Here we go again...

JP: Hey...Astrid...I'm an obsessively annoying guy that hits on every girl in the world...can I give you a back rub?

Bono: Hands off, she's mine.

Edge: What are you talking about? She's clearly falling for me, since I'm a pirate.

Astrid: Are Bono and Edge arguing over me or am I fantasizing again??

Charlie: Both, obviously.

Dumbledore: Duh.

Cody: Hey, that's my line.

Dumbledore: Are you trying to start a duel, you - *gets blasted by Cody's awesome laser cannons, since he's a robot*

Ramon: KILT IM!

Charlie: Literally!

Harry: Am I still alive? I don't remember.

Bono: No, I believe someone killed you.

Harry: Damn! *goes away*

JP: Kiled him!!

Bono: ....

Charlie: ...

Ramon:...

Astrid: ...

Cody: ...Wow, you lose.

Mr. Leavitt: ...

Edge: You're a little late on your dots there bud.

Mr. Leavitt: Yeah? What about you?

Edge: I was too busy making out with my reflection.

Astrid: CAN I MAKE OUT WITH YOUR REFLECTION???

Edge: Sure.

Astrid: SCORE!!!

Chizip: let's use our inside voices, please.

ZE END!!!

I don't remember exactly why Chizip was at the end or why I had him utter such a profound line.
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Old 09-11-2005, 04:47 AM   #2
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That was absolutely crazy, I can't emphasise that point enough , but I loved it, it was great, but I still want Harry Potter and Bono to make out
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Old 09-11-2005, 11:02 AM   #3
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Oh wow, that was really nasty but insanely funny! hmm Bono as a werewolf, that could be interesting. Haha I loved the Chris Martin thing and how Bono's spells are song lyrics. Quite excellent work of literature you have there!
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Old 09-11-2005, 11:50 AM   #4
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*runs away






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Old 09-11-2005, 01:25 PM   #5
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haha that was amusing and entertaining
gross but funny. hilariously strange.

.... good work.
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Old 09-11-2005, 01:31 PM   #6
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Oh wow, that was really funny and soooooo scary at the same time. I just woke up and read this, now how am I gonna go about the rest of my day. Great story. Write more weird stuff!!!
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Old 09-11-2005, 09:47 PM   #7
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A very nice bit of writing. Yes I co-wrote it so my view is favored

It still cracks me up everytime.
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Old 09-12-2005, 03:39 AM   #8
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Old 09-12-2005, 03:49 AM   #9
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Please give Chizip a starring role in your next fanfic, AtomicBono
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Old 09-12-2005, 09:39 AM   #10
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Old 09-12-2005, 12:27 PM   #11
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Hahaha! Brilliant
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Old 09-12-2005, 03:41 PM   #12
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wow, that was funny in a weird and twisted way.
Nice job on the Chris Martin thing
oh and nice job on killing every harry potter character
at one time or another.
I hate harry potter
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Old 09-12-2005, 04:24 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dismantled




*runs away






Cannot run fast enough
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Old 09-13-2005, 03:25 PM   #14
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amazing, I want part 2!!
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Old 09-14-2005, 05:13 AM   #15
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:07 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally posted by Queen Bee
Please give Chizip a starring role in your next fanfic, AtomicBono
he can be the bad guy who walked out.

Thanks for the positive responses, good to know there are people out there that appreciate my crazy sense of humor!!

dude, when did I become a Rock n Roll Doggie? I feel so big now.
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Old 09-21-2005, 04:57 AM   #17
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that's the funniest thing i've read in a while.. insane. i love how you squeezed han solo in there too..
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