Serena Vox
ONE love, blood, life
Hi all! I've been lurking for a while and decided to get up the courage to post one of my fics here. This is a one chapter fic I wrote not-so-long ago. Um, so, just a note; there's no names mentioned it, but the man depicted in the dream, is Bono.
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Running To Stand Still
A troubled girl tries to run from everything, the past, the present and her future. She doesn't want anything to do with any of it. She only desires to start anew, as someone else, something else, anything but who she is.
One-shot. Based on the U2 song Running To Stand Still.
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She runs. Running from the past she wants to forget. Running from the impending future she wants no part of. Running to get away from it all. It's all she knows, the only life she's had. Never blending in. Never fitting in. Never belonging. She is used to being isolated. It's all she knows.
She wonders about a lot of things. Almost as clueless as a child. She wonders why certain people did certain things. Why she felt like this or felt like that. Why she couldn't make it stop. Never could she grasp the nature of her surroundings back then. Never could she grasp it now. She is but a mere child, for she never had the chance to grow up. Never had anyone to show her right from wrong. Never had anyone to be there. Just to be there. It was only so if it were tolerating her. Parents forsaken, siblings uninterested.
What is it like to be a child at this age? It's hell, she thinks. She hasn't been a child for a long time, yet she remains one. Cursing herself for her own lack of understanding. Things people younger than her easily comprehend, slip right past her. Through her fingers every time she tries to reach out and grab for it. She asks questions, receives weird responses and stares. She hates to ask questions. Hates to see those reactions to common everyday knowledge being in question. Hates to feel like she's stupid. But it is inevitable.
The only thing she has, is her own world. Her dreams. She wishes to will them into reality, knowing that it isn't possible and probably never will be. Dreams or not, it's plenty for her. It's enough to keep her sustained. Enough to everything okay, if even for a little while. Even to hold out hope or let her hold out hope. Just a little longer, she thinks.
It's been going on for so long. So long that she has lost track. So long that it feels like yesterday but at the same time, feels like a century ago. So long of enduring and coping with everything. Waiting up and holding out on something, a sign. A sign not yet to come? A sign that's too late? A sign that has already passed? Nobody knows. Not even her.
She doesn't have any idea what to look for in this sign. A person, perhaps? An object? A phrase? A song? Endless possibilities, endless outcomes. An undetermined amount of time is required, for patience is a virtue. A virtue of the most noble? Not really. Just a virtue.
Crying before bed was a custom. Not every night, but a lot of the time. She never had a real reason for it. It was always one thing or another. Overreactions, most of the time. Paranoia at it's worst. She couldn't help that. Being paranoid was a trademark for her. So many people had led her to believe one thing and then knifed her in the back. All she ever wanted was to be understood. And none of them ever understood. The false claims were more than enough to deter her even further and shy away from people as a whole. People, the one thing she wanted, to be in a group, was now her biggest fear.
No longer did she want any part of that. All that remained in the battlefield were a few select people that knew some of her story. Half of it at best. The only other remnant was the habits she formed as a means of punishment to herself. That's when she started to run. Wherever her legs would take her. Dreaming or in real life, she was running. Running until her legs hurt, her lungs burned and her eyes tired. She stopped for no one. No one at all.
There was one thing she did have. Something she had, that while everyone else had access to, interpreted it much differently. A voice. Not her own, one of another. Music. A powerful tool of emotion. How one song can make someone immensely happy, angry or even cry was beyond her grasp. The only fact she held, was that it was so. Taking it wherever she went, wherever she could. It was a must while running. To hear that voice that soothed and comforted, was all she ever needed. How had she overlooked it before, was beyond her.
Her dreams are the most complex of sorts. Many a night she doesn't even have one. They are a rarity and even more rare are the occasions that the dream is a sign of some sort. A much overlooked one, if anything. In such dreams is a man, one of great importance, at least to her. He appears in settings familiar to her own life rather than unfamiliar grounds. Such things as reunions, for the most part. He would appear and she would never even so much as will him to look directly at her, let alone try to converse.
The first time, she didn't understand. He ran from her, much in the manner that she would from her own demons. But he ran without reason. Perhaps he wasn't running from her, she would later decide. He was trying to show her something, if anything. She didn't get the meaning and would chase after him, only to find he disappeared, often to thin air. Not a trace of his existence even so much as left behind. No one in the background could confirm seeing the man.
This went on for many nights. Sometimes in succession, night after night. Sometimes it would break and be once every couple weeks. They would be the only dreams she has. She chases him again and again, never catching him no matter how fast she ran. That soon was to become what mattered. Catching him was the new goal. However short-lived it may be.
It didn't take her long to give up either. One step forward, two steps backwards. Never-ending cycle. Next time, however, would be different.
Things were looking even worse now. So much worse than she ever wanted to see. She'd hoped to be gone before this time, but alas she was still here. Running everywhere and getting nowhere. Sleep was the only escape. Even then, it was futile unless she dreamed, lest she be stuck in a void of sorts until morning.
This time was different. She starts running down an endless hallway, tripping along the way. She falls and so do the tears. The hallway stretches out further and further and it seems as though she is running in place. A weak sob escapes her and she trips over her feet once more onto the cold, unforgiving linoleum. Frustrated, she punches the ground and puts her sweat-beaded forehead against it.
There was nowhere to go from here. Nowhere at all. No one in sight. The hall eerily quiet. She was alone in this empty, never-ending hallway. Putting an arm under her head to cushion it, she hopes to fall asleep in this dream world, to sleep while asleep. Escape the escape. And still get nowhere.
His voice sounds from nowhere. He's asking if someone is there and if they are alright. She can't manage any words, just a sniffle. The nightmare needs to end, she thinks. Getting up, she sprints down the hall once more and is still denied exit. Hands grasp her shoulders causing her to flinch and jerk away from the contact. Turning to the figure, she sees him. He isn't afraid to look at her and he isn't going to run, not this time. Although he seems as though he had been recently.
And he was. Chasing her had become his full-time job in this dream, rather than her own. She isn't sure why he chased her or what he wants with her. Though, his presence makes her happy. He talks to her but she can only hear bits and pieces. The one thing she does understand, is the hug he gives her. He only lets go when he's sure she isn't going to run again. Part of him knows she will. It's in her nature and he understands. She'll always run. She'll always fail to get anywhere. He hopes that someday, she will understand and someday, she will break free of the cycle, the habits and become her own person. But for now...
She's running to stand still.
You posted it!
I've told you before and I'll tell you again, it's wonderfully written, so filled with emotion, and detailed so well. It's amazing.
I liked this part a lot, your fanfic is beautiful 
