Need help finding a poem!

[Gluey]

My sister in law has a mid winter Christmas party (it's winter here in NZ!) to go to for her work. As it's her first year with the company, she has to get up in front of everyone and recite a short, witty poem.....HELP!!!!! Do any of you know where I can help her find one, or do any of you know one that you can share? It has to be kept 'above the belt' but ok to have an innuendo if need be......

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

 

[MsPurrl]

There was a chap named Bert.
He ate the buttons off his shirt.

Sorry, it's Friday afternoon of a long, long week here; and I'm feeling a bit punchy. Is there any certain topic?

 

[JanuaryStar]

I'd love to help, but a topic or 'direction' would make it a bit more easier...

 

[Gluey]

Don't have a lot to go on sorry!! She said that one verse is enough and just as long as it's funny - any topic is fine.

 

[tlski]

Thought this was funny...
If Things Could Talk

If everything could talk,
It would be a strange world indeed.
Just imagine what garlic would say,
Or perhaps rosary beads.

A video cassette would say,
"I wish I was a DVD."
And deodorant would say,
"Don't stick me there, it's stinky!"

"I'll rot your teeth out,"
Would say Coke.
"Don't eat me!"
Would say egg yolk.

"I wish Milk was here,"
Donut would say sadly.
"Screw Donut,"
Milk would say madly.

"You're my baby's daddy, Ken,"
Barbie Doll would say.
"Please make the test results negative,"
Ken would pray.

If everything could speak
It would be a strange world indeed

 

[Effanbee]

Animals/insects:

Elephants
aren't any more important
than insects
but I'm on the side
of elephants
unless one of them tries
to crawl up my leg
(John Newlove)

The fly
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why
(Ogden Nash)

Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been,
Licking your lips with your whiskers so clean?
Pussycat, pussycat, purring and pudgy,
Pussycat, pussycat. WHERE IS OUR BUDGIE?
(Max Fatchen)

Strange people:

There was a young lady from Ickenham
Who went on a bus trip to Twickenham.
She drank too much beer,
Which made her feel queer,
So she took off her boots and was sick-in-'em.

Horace
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace,
He just sat down and ate his face.
'We can't have this!' his Dad declared.
'If that lad's ate, he should be shared.'
But even as he spoke they saw
Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes …
'Stop him someone!' Mother cried
'Those eyeballs would be better fried!'
But H. was on his second course:
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue;
'To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's going to scoff the lot!'
His Mother cried: 'What shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew …'
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay: a boy no more,
Just a stomach on the floor …
None the less, since it was his
They ate it – that's what haggis is.
(Monty Python)

 

[tlski]

Smiles
By- Agnes Dobias


The wastelands of a desert, can be seen for miles and miles,
But the happiness upon a face, is seen, in wondrous smiles!
And gazing at majestic mountains, rising from the earth's floor --
Makes one want to go exploring, all around us, finding more.

More of the beauty of this world -- "look" -- it's right before our eyes!
Don't let the mundane things of life prevail -- overpowering our lives.
Take time to smell the roses, take some time to really "see" --
What a glorious and beautiful place, this "mother earth" of ours can be!
It could be the sun, the moon, the stars -- our very soul within,
A merge of family and of friends -- now where do we begin?
That's easy -- take one smile from your face, transfer it to another --
Presto! -- a chain reaction -- smiles soon "beaming" from brother to brother!

Now wouldn't it be wonderful, to find yourself someday?
Among many smiling faces -- "just listen" -- as they say --
"Here's one for you -- please take it -- put it in your heart --
Keep it there forever, your smile and you will never part!"

 

[Effanbee]

Love the smiles poem, Tiski!

One more about a worm:

When the earth is turned in spring
The worms are fat as anything
And birds come flying all around
To eat the worms right off the ground.
They like worms just as much as I
Like bread and milk and apple pie.
And once, when I was very young,
I put a worm right on my tongue.
I didn't like the taste a bit,
And so I didn't swallow it.
But oh, it makes my Mother squirm
Because she thinks I ate that worm!
(Ralph Bergengren)

And one for Bono, topical due to the Yeats reading & cos it's a favourite of mine. (But unsuitable probably for your SIL, Gluey)

When you are old

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
Ad slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
(W.B. Yeats)

 

[Gluey]

Wow thanks everyone!! They're all awesome!! I've forwarded them all onto my sister in law...

 

[Alisaura]

Ogden Nash rocks I have a book of his poems, but it's at my parents' house...

This bit of his just came to mind:

"Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
That's what parents were created for."

 

[Cin]

There once was a man from Nantucket. no that won't work
A boy stood on a burning bridge.. not that either.
sorry

 

[bonocomet]

I always liked the one Bono said his father told him when he was a boy:

I'll tell you a story 'bout Johnny Magorey
Shall I begin it?
That's all that's in it.