jobob
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Disclaimer: This is fiction. Sequel to "Love and Peace Prizes." Once again, I'm trying to be humorous. Edge is from the future, you know. That "it's an honor just to be nominated, there are other people more deserving than me" line may be charming, may sound good on late night TV, but I'm not buyin' it, Bono. You deserve to get the Nobel Peace Prize someday. I need to get a life and get back to posting new chapters of "A Story Without Me" someday soon. (Very, very soon. Watch this space.)
It's late at night, a few nights after the Nobel Peace Prize was announced.
You're disappointed yer man didn't get it.
You're also disappointed you didn't see why he didn't get it.
It was so obvious you were wrong, 2005 was not Bono's year to get the Nobel. Every year ending in "5," the Norwegian Nobel Committee gives the Peace Prize to an anti-nuclear activist or anti-nuclear group. In 2005, the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombings, they gave the prize to the International Atomic Energy Agency and its director.
How did you, of all people, miss this? You were born to see it! You were born on August 6! The anniversary of Hiroshima!
Bono's a smart guy. He had to have seen the pattern! That had to be why he told Conan O'Brien on Thursday night why he thought he wasn't going to win. Why, he probably saw it while looking over the list of Nobel names on the Internet, searching for inspiration for his fifth song about a Nobel Peace Prize winner.
Yeah, that's it, you tell yourself as you drift off to sleep. Bono saw the pattern. You didn't. Wait'll next time ...
****
You wake up in the middle of the night.
That's funny, you say out loud. Why does that gray-bearded old man standing at the edge of your bed look like The Edge?
"I am Mr. The Edge. Hello, jobob," he says to you.
"Edge? Why are you wearing a gray beanie? Are you here from the future?"
"I am The Edge from The Future. My beanie turned gray because I am from the year 2055 and I am 94 years old."
Edge lived to be 94? Cool! you think. Wonder how long the band played together?
"When Bono kept saying on the Vertigo Tour that you came from the future, we all thought he was joking."
"Bono's not joking. I am from the future. I time-travel. My ability helps him deal with world leaders."
"So you ..."
"I give Bono information to help make the future better."
"I understand." You suddenly feel you understand Bono much better now, now that you know about his secret window into the future.
"I'm here tonight to give you some information." Edge hands you a piece of paper. "Where I just came from, it's 50 years and a few days after B, the real B, was so heavily favored to get the Nobel Peace Prize. The Norwegian Nobel Committee just released its 2005 papers. Here you are. I have to tell Bono a few things before the next show. I'm also really enjoying watching my own guitar solos during this tour. Peace."
And before you can ask him anything else (like if that rumor you heard about how Edge invented the Macarena could be true -- or if that's just Bono b.s.'ing), old Edge disappears in a flash. Just like the Floo Powder flashes wizards use in the Harry Potter books. Maybe Edge also advises J.K. Rowling?
You read the paper. It looks sort of like it's written in ... Norwegian? However, somehow, you can read it. Even though you don't know a single word of Norwegian.
URGENT CONFIDENTIAL MEMO
To: All Norwegian Nobel Committee Members
From: The Committee Director
Subject: Nobel Peace Prize Selection
7 October 2005
At 11 a.m. today we announce the Peace Prize laureate.
As you know, one particular nominee has captured the world's attention.
Amazingly, he's been all over the world stage this year: He won another Grammy (or two). Springsteen inducted him and his band into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He talked about Africa, poverty, AIDS, and debt reduction at Davos, the G8 summit, and Bill Clinton's UN summit. When he visited the White House, they say Condi Rice flirted with him. He opened Live8 in London with Paul McCartney and U2. He advised the president of the World Bank (after he took himself out of consideration for the position). He called the late Pope John Paul II the Catholic Church's greatest frontman -- and some people said he should have been the new pope.
But we are not going to give him the Peace Prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am writing this to remind you of the reasons why we are not giving Paul "Bono" Hewson the Peace Prize.
First of all, why should a rock star get the Nobel Peace Prize? If we start handing out peace prizes to rock stars, they'll all want one. Or no one will.
Second, when you insisted on discussing Bono's qualifications over my objections, it turned into a fight over which was the best-ever U2 album: Achtung Baby or The Joshua Tree. Two of you said Achtung, two insisted on Joshua Tree. Inga refused to break the 2-2-1 tie. "Forget the albums," she said, "I just want to watch the Slane DVD. I love it when Bono says 'Oh, look, Edge! A beech ball!' Then he kicks the ball into the crowd, it's so cute ..."
Third, our source at NBC Studios in New York tells me Conan O'Brien just asked Bono what he would say to the Nobel Peace Prize committee if they were watching him on his show tonight. "You mean I shouldn't say bollocks?" Bono replied. Committee members, this is not the first time this nominee has uttered questionable, objectionable language on American television. It may not be the last time. We cannot take that chance.
Fourth, this year is the 60th anniversary of the world's first, and, so far, only, atomic bombings. Instead of giving a prize to someone who writes an album of songs which claim to be about how to dismantle an atomic bomb -- yet it doesn't give any instructions on how to disarm weaponry -- it would be far more appropriate to honor someone who works towards truly dismantling atomic bombs. I strongly suggest we award the prize to that someone.
Finally, need I remind you of how we waited and waited all day in the GA line before this summer's U2 concert in Oslo -- and how none of us got into the ellipse?
*****
You wake up in your bed.
That was a weird little dream. Imagine that. Edge. Is really. From. The Future. He uses his knowledge to advise Bono. It's not just a joke Bono tells in concert.
Oh, yeah. Sure. Right. You'll hear Bono tell the same Edge-parked-his-space-ship-on-the-north-side-of-Dublin-and-told-us-the-future's-better story again in a few weeks. Then Edge will play the Miracle Drug riffs. And the concert, and the world, will go on in present time.
But what's this guitar pick doing on your bedroom floor? You don't play guitar. You do like to play Internet radio stations.
And what's this 'Norwegian Nobel Committee memo' doing here? Why is it written in what looks like Norwegian?
You could have sworn you turned off and logged off your laptop overnight, too. Why is it on? Is that a Yahoo News story on its screen? With a concert photo of Bono and Edge?
BONO PEACE PRIZE MAKES TWO NOBELS FOR U2
1 hour ago (and 15 years in the future)
Oslo, Norway (AP/CNN/Reuters) After many years of nominations, Bono has received the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize.
The political activist and rock star began fighting 'stupid poverty' in Africa after visiting the continent after the 1984 Live Aid concert.
Bono was regularly nominated for the Peace Prize since the late 1990s, when he began lobbying the First World's governments to forgive the continent's debts.
"I still believe there are people more deserving of this honor than I am," the former U2 singer-songwriter, 60, said when contacted in Ethopia. Bono began living part-time in Ethopia in 2017, shortly after U2's "Rocking Chair" tour. When the Nobel commitee called to tell Bono he'd received the prize, he, his four children, and his grandchild, were all taking a break from doing volunteer work at a rural Ethopian orphanage.
When told his friend and bandmate David "The Edge" Evans was a co-winner of the Nobel Prize for Physiology and Medicine on Monday for his 1990s co-discovery of The Orgasmatron, Bono made one of the witty comments he was known for making during his show business career.
"Maybe Edge should have won the Peace Prize," Bono said. "Really, I'm thrilled for Edge. Who knew both of us would be Nobel laureates someday?"
It's late at night, a few nights after the Nobel Peace Prize was announced.
You're disappointed yer man didn't get it.
You're also disappointed you didn't see why he didn't get it.
It was so obvious you were wrong, 2005 was not Bono's year to get the Nobel. Every year ending in "5," the Norwegian Nobel Committee gives the Peace Prize to an anti-nuclear activist or anti-nuclear group. In 2005, the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombings, they gave the prize to the International Atomic Energy Agency and its director.
How did you, of all people, miss this? You were born to see it! You were born on August 6! The anniversary of Hiroshima!
Bono's a smart guy. He had to have seen the pattern! That had to be why he told Conan O'Brien on Thursday night why he thought he wasn't going to win. Why, he probably saw it while looking over the list of Nobel names on the Internet, searching for inspiration for his fifth song about a Nobel Peace Prize winner.
Yeah, that's it, you tell yourself as you drift off to sleep. Bono saw the pattern. You didn't. Wait'll next time ...
****
You wake up in the middle of the night.
That's funny, you say out loud. Why does that gray-bearded old man standing at the edge of your bed look like The Edge?
"I am Mr. The Edge. Hello, jobob," he says to you.
"Edge? Why are you wearing a gray beanie? Are you here from the future?"
"I am The Edge from The Future. My beanie turned gray because I am from the year 2055 and I am 94 years old."
Edge lived to be 94? Cool! you think. Wonder how long the band played together?
"When Bono kept saying on the Vertigo Tour that you came from the future, we all thought he was joking."
"Bono's not joking. I am from the future. I time-travel. My ability helps him deal with world leaders."
"So you ..."
"I give Bono information to help make the future better."
"I understand." You suddenly feel you understand Bono much better now, now that you know about his secret window into the future.
"I'm here tonight to give you some information." Edge hands you a piece of paper. "Where I just came from, it's 50 years and a few days after B, the real B, was so heavily favored to get the Nobel Peace Prize. The Norwegian Nobel Committee just released its 2005 papers. Here you are. I have to tell Bono a few things before the next show. I'm also really enjoying watching my own guitar solos during this tour. Peace."
And before you can ask him anything else (like if that rumor you heard about how Edge invented the Macarena could be true -- or if that's just Bono b.s.'ing), old Edge disappears in a flash. Just like the Floo Powder flashes wizards use in the Harry Potter books. Maybe Edge also advises J.K. Rowling?
You read the paper. It looks sort of like it's written in ... Norwegian? However, somehow, you can read it. Even though you don't know a single word of Norwegian.
URGENT CONFIDENTIAL MEMO
To: All Norwegian Nobel Committee Members
From: The Committee Director
Subject: Nobel Peace Prize Selection
7 October 2005
At 11 a.m. today we announce the Peace Prize laureate.
As you know, one particular nominee has captured the world's attention.
Amazingly, he's been all over the world stage this year: He won another Grammy (or two). Springsteen inducted him and his band into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He talked about Africa, poverty, AIDS, and debt reduction at Davos, the G8 summit, and Bill Clinton's UN summit. When he visited the White House, they say Condi Rice flirted with him. He opened Live8 in London with Paul McCartney and U2. He advised the president of the World Bank (after he took himself out of consideration for the position). He called the late Pope John Paul II the Catholic Church's greatest frontman -- and some people said he should have been the new pope.
But we are not going to give him the Peace Prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am writing this to remind you of the reasons why we are not giving Paul "Bono" Hewson the Peace Prize.
First of all, why should a rock star get the Nobel Peace Prize? If we start handing out peace prizes to rock stars, they'll all want one. Or no one will.
Second, when you insisted on discussing Bono's qualifications over my objections, it turned into a fight over which was the best-ever U2 album: Achtung Baby or The Joshua Tree. Two of you said Achtung, two insisted on Joshua Tree. Inga refused to break the 2-2-1 tie. "Forget the albums," she said, "I just want to watch the Slane DVD. I love it when Bono says 'Oh, look, Edge! A beech ball!' Then he kicks the ball into the crowd, it's so cute ..."
Third, our source at NBC Studios in New York tells me Conan O'Brien just asked Bono what he would say to the Nobel Peace Prize committee if they were watching him on his show tonight. "You mean I shouldn't say bollocks?" Bono replied. Committee members, this is not the first time this nominee has uttered questionable, objectionable language on American television. It may not be the last time. We cannot take that chance.
Fourth, this year is the 60th anniversary of the world's first, and, so far, only, atomic bombings. Instead of giving a prize to someone who writes an album of songs which claim to be about how to dismantle an atomic bomb -- yet it doesn't give any instructions on how to disarm weaponry -- it would be far more appropriate to honor someone who works towards truly dismantling atomic bombs. I strongly suggest we award the prize to that someone.
Finally, need I remind you of how we waited and waited all day in the GA line before this summer's U2 concert in Oslo -- and how none of us got into the ellipse?
*****
You wake up in your bed.
That was a weird little dream. Imagine that. Edge. Is really. From. The Future. He uses his knowledge to advise Bono. It's not just a joke Bono tells in concert.
Oh, yeah. Sure. Right. You'll hear Bono tell the same Edge-parked-his-space-ship-on-the-north-side-of-Dublin-and-told-us-the-future's-better story again in a few weeks. Then Edge will play the Miracle Drug riffs. And the concert, and the world, will go on in present time.
But what's this guitar pick doing on your bedroom floor? You don't play guitar. You do like to play Internet radio stations.
And what's this 'Norwegian Nobel Committee memo' doing here? Why is it written in what looks like Norwegian?
You could have sworn you turned off and logged off your laptop overnight, too. Why is it on? Is that a Yahoo News story on its screen? With a concert photo of Bono and Edge?
BONO PEACE PRIZE MAKES TWO NOBELS FOR U2
1 hour ago (and 15 years in the future)
Oslo, Norway (AP/CNN/Reuters) After many years of nominations, Bono has received the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize.
The political activist and rock star began fighting 'stupid poverty' in Africa after visiting the continent after the 1984 Live Aid concert.
Bono was regularly nominated for the Peace Prize since the late 1990s, when he began lobbying the First World's governments to forgive the continent's debts.
"I still believe there are people more deserving of this honor than I am," the former U2 singer-songwriter, 60, said when contacted in Ethopia. Bono began living part-time in Ethopia in 2017, shortly after U2's "Rocking Chair" tour. When the Nobel commitee called to tell Bono he'd received the prize, he, his four children, and his grandchild, were all taking a break from doing volunteer work at a rural Ethopian orphanage.
When told his friend and bandmate David "The Edge" Evans was a co-winner of the Nobel Prize for Physiology and Medicine on Monday for his 1990s co-discovery of The Orgasmatron, Bono made one of the witty comments he was known for making during his show business career.
"Maybe Edge should have won the Peace Prize," Bono said. "Really, I'm thrilled for Edge. Who knew both of us would be Nobel laureates someday?"
That was SO FUnny!!!
