jobob
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Disclaimer/Notes: Will Bono become a Nobel laureate this week? This is fiction. Humorous, or at least I thought so. Inspired by, written and posted during Nobel Prize announcement week. Bono's real. I'm real. Fanfic Bono is the Bono whose job it is to appear in fanfic and inspire fanfic writers. B is the star of my other story. No, Fanfic Bono and B don't really live in my apartment. They really live in The Maze of jobob's Imagination. www.nobelprize.org will post the Peace Prize announcement Friday. It and the nobel.no web site were my sources of Nobel information.
To readers in The Land of Cleve: Cleveland rocks! Please, don't take what I'm about to say about your Dec. 10 U2 concert seriously. Cleveland rocks! I want you to have a U2 show! Cleveland rocks! And I love visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Cleveland rocks! Peace!
" ... and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between the nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses." -- The stipulation of Alfred Bernhard Nobel's 1895 will which established and funded the Nobel Peace Prize.
"... and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration whatever shall be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be a Scandinavian or not." -- The stipulation of Nobel's will which established the Norwegian Nobel Committee. The Norwegian Nobel Committee and Norwegian Nobel Institute are based in Oslo, Norway. Nobel Prizes are awarded annually on Dec. 10, the anniversary of Nobel's death. The Peace Prize is given in Oslo. The other Nobels are awarded in Sweden.
They say he's been nominated every year for the last ... how many years? Four? Five? Six? More?
Of course, the committee won't confirm or deny. It keeps that information secret for 50 years.
But each winter, it somehow leaks out that Bono's been nominated yet again.
"In my very humble opinion, even if I am a fanfic-writing Pleban fangirl, 2005 is Bono's year. If only because at least one committee member, or his secretary, must be tired of opening up the nominations every year, looking at the pile, and saying, in Norwegian, 'Okay, Bono got nominated again. Gosh, what do we have to do to make people stop nominating Bono for the Nobel Peace Prize?'" you joke to yourself.
However, a familar someone heard you in your bedroom workspace.
"jobob, jobob. Checking Google News for Nobel Prize-related news stories again, were you? You know there's more to winning a Nobel than being nominated," Fanfic Bono answers. He's standing in your doorway, looking like how The Real Thing looked like when you saw him arrive in Chicago. Straw hat, blue denim shirt, red-tinted designer wraparound sunglasses you can just see his eyes through. Black shoes, the thickness of the platforms not fooling you for a second about his stature.
"I do know, Fanfic. There are several excellent reasons why Bono deserves the world's most prestigious award, this year. May I explain?"
"I'd like to hear your explanation."
"I have a long one. A whole list of reasons. You may want to take a seat."
You show Fanfic Bono your bed. Instead of sitting on the edge -- of the bed -- Fanfic lies on his right side, takes off his hat and shades, bends his right elbow, holds his sunglasses in front of him in his left hand, and props his head on his right hand. A small gold cell phone slides from his shirt pocket onto the bed in front of him. He looks a little impatient, a bit tired. The pose looks vaguely familar.
"I'm listening," he tells you.
Trying not to think about the intense blue eyes staring up at you, and how Fanfic Bono looks on your bed, you start to tell him your reasons to give real Bono a real Nobel:
"It's 20 years after the Live Aid appearance and trip to Ethopia which started Bono's African crusade. Six years after he was asked to help the Jubliee movement to mark the turn of the century and a Biblical year of Jubliee by asking First World nations to forgive their Third World debtors. Years of personally lobbying Congress to increase foreign aid to Africa, in the process becoming one of the world's leading authorities on the continent, co-founding DATA, and establishing The ONE Campaign. Not to mention how Bono's efforts delayed the making of the last two U2 albums.'"
"We imagine Larry couldn't have been happy about Bono's absences from Larry's band," Fanfic Bono points out.
"Bono has said the guitars on HTDAAB are the sounds of Edge wanting his lead singer back," you reply.
(You imagine Adam quietly, and poshly, kept his feelings about Bono's other work to himself.)
"Then there was that little concert in July. You remember how U2 and Paul McCartney opened the show? And how Bono took that trip to the Scottish golf course with Bob Geldof to talk with Bush, Blair, and the rest of the G8. And last week the lobbying -- the entire effort of which Bono was the most visible face -- paid off: The World Bank ..."
"Do you still think Bono should have been World Bank president?" Fanfic Bono interrupts. "He never wanted the job."
"When I first heard about the Los Angeles Times editorial suggesting it, I thought it was a weird idea. Then I thought about it. It made sense. Months later, I still think it was an idea that made a lot of sense. And guess who was one of the first people Paul Wolfowitz (the current World Bank president) called when people hated the idea of him as World Bank president? Yes. He called Bono. Twice."
You continue taking your argument to the bank.
"The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund just agreed to a plan to forgive $40 billion in debt for 38 of the world's poorest countries. That's an incredible number, $40 billion-with-a-b. A tremendous amount of money which can now be spent on education, health care, AIDS drugs, economic development ... On anything, really, except corrupt governance and debt service."
Fanfic yawns -- yawns! -- from the side of your bed. You say the famous phrase sarcastically: "Am I bugging you? I don't mean to bug you."
"I was tempted to take a nap. It's not easy to sleep for only four fictional hours a night. I don't know how Bono does it in reality. Please continue."
"Bono's done a few other things to encourage world peace."
"Trying to save Africa in his spare time and vowing to fight 'stupid poverty' for the rest of his life wasn't enough for a rock star?"
"You'd think so. However, as TV commercials used to say, 'But wait, there's more!' " You smile.
Fanfic Bono clutches your bed pillow. "Don't keep me waiting. What else do I get for only $19.95, jobob?" He stretches and puts his head on your pillow.
"Speaking of television, in the 1990's Zoo TV featured, at Bono's insistence, live nightly satelite broadcasts from a journalist in and the people of war-torn Sarajevo. Broadcasts which called the world's attention to the civil war in Bosnia. And how many years has it been since Edge and Bono wrote Sunday Bloody Sunday? How long have they sung that song? The classic anthem which tells their countrymen they can be as one and end their battles? Many would say Sunday Bloody Sunday helped bring about peace agreements in Northern Ireland."
"Bono's still singing that song, as you heard for yourself in September. Maybe he won't when there's finally peace in Ireland. What else has the real me done?"
"Does the Peace Prize committee know Bono's written four songs -- Pride (In the Name of Love), MLK, New Year's Day, and Walk On -- about three Nobel Peace Prize laureates?"
"U2 did play Oslo in August. Maybe the committee went to the Oslo show and heard one or two of those songs? As part of their investigation of Bono, of course."
"Tough job, but they had to do it?" You laugh. "Everyone knows Pride is about the death of Bono's hero, Dr. Martin Luther King, who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. MLK is a short, sweet lullaby to Dr. King. New Year's Day is about the Solidarity movement led by Lech Walesa. Walesa won the Peace Prize in 1983. Walk On was written for Aung San Suu Kyi. "The Lady" has been under house arrest in Burma since 1989 for leading a political party which successfully opposed her country's dictatorship. Suu Kyi's sons accepted the Nobel Peace Prize for her in 1991."
"You've put together quite a list. Anything else you'd like to add?"
"One more thing. Did you know there's a Nobel Peace Prize Concert as part of the Nobel Peace Prize ceremonies?"
"The Nobel Prize ceremonies are always on Dec. 10. Same date as the Cleveland show. You have tickets for the Cleveland show, don't you?"
"Well, my Cleveland tickets are nosebleeds, and I will have already seen U2 in Chicago and Detroit by then ..." You suddenly snap at Fanfic. "Do I appear to care about U2 possibly having to reschedule Cleveland? For The Best Reason To Ever Cancel A Rock Concert?!? I can just hear McGuinness telling the Cleveland promoter, 'Sorry. Bono has to go to Oslo. Why? To collect his Nobel Prize.' " You regain your composure and try another tactic.
"Think about this, Fanfic Bono: How perfect would it be, to have the new Nobel Peace Prize laureate singing in front of one of the world's most popular rock bands, at the Nobel Peace Prize Concert? Performing songs about his favorite Nobel Peace Prize laureates? And other songs about ends to wars, aid to Africa, and, of course, Love and Peace or Else?"
"Now that would be quite a gig. When's the big announcement?"
"Friday morning. I can't wait."
******
Early morning, Oct. 7. Fanfic Bono is wearing Edun sportswear and sipping coffee from Africa at the kitchen table at jobob's. B walks into the kitchen and starts to make himself a cup of tea. B's dressed in a suit for a day at his fictional job.
"Mornin', B. Beautiful day, isn't it?"
"Isn't it always, Fanfic?"
"Sugar for your tea?"
"Not since I saw that picture of Bono buried up almost to his neck in sugar, thanks. Is she up yet? Has she read the news today?" jobob's fictional character, based on Bono, points towards jobob's bedroom.
A shout rings out from the bedroom sky -- actually, the doorway. "Oh, my God ..."
"Sounds like it."
"I'm going in." B grabs his favorite book and steps towards the bedroom.
"Are you sure you want to face her now, B? You're a brave character."
"I've dealt with someone kind of like her for about a dozen posted chapters now. And for a few chapters she's about to post." B walks into your bedroom to find you looking in disbelief at nobelprize.org.
"Look. Just look," you tell him as you point at your laptop screen.
"I don't need to, love. Edge came back from the future years ago and told Bono all about it. Bono told Fanfic Bono, and Fanfic told me." B winks at you. "Bono never did what he did for prizes. He also knows good works -- even tremendous amounts of good works -- alone won't get him into heaven. Although he obviously believes in doing good works here on Earth."
"Very true."
B opens the book he brought with him. "Remember, Matthew 5:9."
"You know I don't know the Bible as well as you do, B. You'll have to read it to me."
B reads you the passage in modern language: " 'You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.' "
"Nice. Sounds like you're reading from The Message." (Which is Bono's favorite Bible version.)
"Perhaps you'll recognize and like the verse better in King James: 'Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.' "
To readers in The Land of Cleve: Cleveland rocks! Please, don't take what I'm about to say about your Dec. 10 U2 concert seriously. Cleveland rocks! I want you to have a U2 show! Cleveland rocks! And I love visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Cleveland rocks! Peace!
" ... and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between the nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses." -- The stipulation of Alfred Bernhard Nobel's 1895 will which established and funded the Nobel Peace Prize.
"... and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration whatever shall be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be a Scandinavian or not." -- The stipulation of Nobel's will which established the Norwegian Nobel Committee. The Norwegian Nobel Committee and Norwegian Nobel Institute are based in Oslo, Norway. Nobel Prizes are awarded annually on Dec. 10, the anniversary of Nobel's death. The Peace Prize is given in Oslo. The other Nobels are awarded in Sweden.
They say he's been nominated every year for the last ... how many years? Four? Five? Six? More?
Of course, the committee won't confirm or deny. It keeps that information secret for 50 years.
But each winter, it somehow leaks out that Bono's been nominated yet again.
"In my very humble opinion, even if I am a fanfic-writing Pleban fangirl, 2005 is Bono's year. If only because at least one committee member, or his secretary, must be tired of opening up the nominations every year, looking at the pile, and saying, in Norwegian, 'Okay, Bono got nominated again. Gosh, what do we have to do to make people stop nominating Bono for the Nobel Peace Prize?'" you joke to yourself.
However, a familar someone heard you in your bedroom workspace.
"jobob, jobob. Checking Google News for Nobel Prize-related news stories again, were you? You know there's more to winning a Nobel than being nominated," Fanfic Bono answers. He's standing in your doorway, looking like how The Real Thing looked like when you saw him arrive in Chicago. Straw hat, blue denim shirt, red-tinted designer wraparound sunglasses you can just see his eyes through. Black shoes, the thickness of the platforms not fooling you for a second about his stature.
"I do know, Fanfic. There are several excellent reasons why Bono deserves the world's most prestigious award, this year. May I explain?"
"I'd like to hear your explanation."
"I have a long one. A whole list of reasons. You may want to take a seat."
You show Fanfic Bono your bed. Instead of sitting on the edge -- of the bed -- Fanfic lies on his right side, takes off his hat and shades, bends his right elbow, holds his sunglasses in front of him in his left hand, and props his head on his right hand. A small gold cell phone slides from his shirt pocket onto the bed in front of him. He looks a little impatient, a bit tired. The pose looks vaguely familar.
"I'm listening," he tells you.
Trying not to think about the intense blue eyes staring up at you, and how Fanfic Bono looks on your bed, you start to tell him your reasons to give real Bono a real Nobel:
"It's 20 years after the Live Aid appearance and trip to Ethopia which started Bono's African crusade. Six years after he was asked to help the Jubliee movement to mark the turn of the century and a Biblical year of Jubliee by asking First World nations to forgive their Third World debtors. Years of personally lobbying Congress to increase foreign aid to Africa, in the process becoming one of the world's leading authorities on the continent, co-founding DATA, and establishing The ONE Campaign. Not to mention how Bono's efforts delayed the making of the last two U2 albums.'"
"We imagine Larry couldn't have been happy about Bono's absences from Larry's band," Fanfic Bono points out.
"Bono has said the guitars on HTDAAB are the sounds of Edge wanting his lead singer back," you reply.
(You imagine Adam quietly, and poshly, kept his feelings about Bono's other work to himself.)
"Then there was that little concert in July. You remember how U2 and Paul McCartney opened the show? And how Bono took that trip to the Scottish golf course with Bob Geldof to talk with Bush, Blair, and the rest of the G8. And last week the lobbying -- the entire effort of which Bono was the most visible face -- paid off: The World Bank ..."
"Do you still think Bono should have been World Bank president?" Fanfic Bono interrupts. "He never wanted the job."
"When I first heard about the Los Angeles Times editorial suggesting it, I thought it was a weird idea. Then I thought about it. It made sense. Months later, I still think it was an idea that made a lot of sense. And guess who was one of the first people Paul Wolfowitz (the current World Bank president) called when people hated the idea of him as World Bank president? Yes. He called Bono. Twice."
You continue taking your argument to the bank.
"The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund just agreed to a plan to forgive $40 billion in debt for 38 of the world's poorest countries. That's an incredible number, $40 billion-with-a-b. A tremendous amount of money which can now be spent on education, health care, AIDS drugs, economic development ... On anything, really, except corrupt governance and debt service."
Fanfic yawns -- yawns! -- from the side of your bed. You say the famous phrase sarcastically: "Am I bugging you? I don't mean to bug you."
"I was tempted to take a nap. It's not easy to sleep for only four fictional hours a night. I don't know how Bono does it in reality. Please continue."
"Bono's done a few other things to encourage world peace."
"Trying to save Africa in his spare time and vowing to fight 'stupid poverty' for the rest of his life wasn't enough for a rock star?"
"You'd think so. However, as TV commercials used to say, 'But wait, there's more!' " You smile.
Fanfic Bono clutches your bed pillow. "Don't keep me waiting. What else do I get for only $19.95, jobob?" He stretches and puts his head on your pillow.
"Speaking of television, in the 1990's Zoo TV featured, at Bono's insistence, live nightly satelite broadcasts from a journalist in and the people of war-torn Sarajevo. Broadcasts which called the world's attention to the civil war in Bosnia. And how many years has it been since Edge and Bono wrote Sunday Bloody Sunday? How long have they sung that song? The classic anthem which tells their countrymen they can be as one and end their battles? Many would say Sunday Bloody Sunday helped bring about peace agreements in Northern Ireland."
"Bono's still singing that song, as you heard for yourself in September. Maybe he won't when there's finally peace in Ireland. What else has the real me done?"
"Does the Peace Prize committee know Bono's written four songs -- Pride (In the Name of Love), MLK, New Year's Day, and Walk On -- about three Nobel Peace Prize laureates?"
"U2 did play Oslo in August. Maybe the committee went to the Oslo show and heard one or two of those songs? As part of their investigation of Bono, of course."
"Tough job, but they had to do it?" You laugh. "Everyone knows Pride is about the death of Bono's hero, Dr. Martin Luther King, who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. MLK is a short, sweet lullaby to Dr. King. New Year's Day is about the Solidarity movement led by Lech Walesa. Walesa won the Peace Prize in 1983. Walk On was written for Aung San Suu Kyi. "The Lady" has been under house arrest in Burma since 1989 for leading a political party which successfully opposed her country's dictatorship. Suu Kyi's sons accepted the Nobel Peace Prize for her in 1991."
"You've put together quite a list. Anything else you'd like to add?"
"One more thing. Did you know there's a Nobel Peace Prize Concert as part of the Nobel Peace Prize ceremonies?"
"The Nobel Prize ceremonies are always on Dec. 10. Same date as the Cleveland show. You have tickets for the Cleveland show, don't you?"
"Well, my Cleveland tickets are nosebleeds, and I will have already seen U2 in Chicago and Detroit by then ..." You suddenly snap at Fanfic. "Do I appear to care about U2 possibly having to reschedule Cleveland? For The Best Reason To Ever Cancel A Rock Concert?!? I can just hear McGuinness telling the Cleveland promoter, 'Sorry. Bono has to go to Oslo. Why? To collect his Nobel Prize.' " You regain your composure and try another tactic.
"Think about this, Fanfic Bono: How perfect would it be, to have the new Nobel Peace Prize laureate singing in front of one of the world's most popular rock bands, at the Nobel Peace Prize Concert? Performing songs about his favorite Nobel Peace Prize laureates? And other songs about ends to wars, aid to Africa, and, of course, Love and Peace or Else?"
"Now that would be quite a gig. When's the big announcement?"
"Friday morning. I can't wait."
******
Early morning, Oct. 7. Fanfic Bono is wearing Edun sportswear and sipping coffee from Africa at the kitchen table at jobob's. B walks into the kitchen and starts to make himself a cup of tea. B's dressed in a suit for a day at his fictional job.
"Mornin', B. Beautiful day, isn't it?"
"Isn't it always, Fanfic?"
"Sugar for your tea?"
"Not since I saw that picture of Bono buried up almost to his neck in sugar, thanks. Is she up yet? Has she read the news today?" jobob's fictional character, based on Bono, points towards jobob's bedroom.
A shout rings out from the bedroom sky -- actually, the doorway. "Oh, my God ..."
"Sounds like it."
"I'm going in." B grabs his favorite book and steps towards the bedroom.
"Are you sure you want to face her now, B? You're a brave character."
"I've dealt with someone kind of like her for about a dozen posted chapters now. And for a few chapters she's about to post." B walks into your bedroom to find you looking in disbelief at nobelprize.org.
"Look. Just look," you tell him as you point at your laptop screen.
"I don't need to, love. Edge came back from the future years ago and told Bono all about it. Bono told Fanfic Bono, and Fanfic told me." B winks at you. "Bono never did what he did for prizes. He also knows good works -- even tremendous amounts of good works -- alone won't get him into heaven. Although he obviously believes in doing good works here on Earth."
"Very true."
B opens the book he brought with him. "Remember, Matthew 5:9."
"You know I don't know the Bible as well as you do, B. You'll have to read it to me."
B reads you the passage in modern language: " 'You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.' "
"Nice. Sounds like you're reading from The Message." (Which is Bono's favorite Bible version.)
"Perhaps you'll recognize and like the verse better in King James: 'Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.' "
