jobob
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Notes: This is fiction. B is based on Bono. I don't know Bono. J may or may not resemble someone I know. B and J are the main characters in "A Story Without Me." This is a little side project of mine, written at a friend's request. (Merry Christmas, Diane!) I strongly suspected Bono would be Time's Person of the Year. Back in October, I actually wrote fanfic about how I thought Bono would get the Nobel (and how he didn't), so now I'm thrilled about Time. Even if Bono's sharing the honor. This is short -- I have a dozen other things to do on my day off before the holiday. But writing this was fun. Merry Festivus, Happy Christmas. Or something like that. 
"We wish you a Happy Festivus, we wish you a Happy Festivus, we wish you a Happy Festivus ..." B sings to you as he lets you into his and J's home. It's in an older yet somewhat trendy Detroit suburb, a place favored by young and middle-aged professionals. It's a suburb much like your own. You can hear other guests laughing and talking. And they're challenging each other to play Euchre and board games -- the party's Feats of Strength.
"May we get you a beer?" J finishes the carol with a laugh. "B's been singing Festivus carols. Emily and her boyfriend came over, and a few of B's coworkers, and a few of my friends, and we decided to have a little impromptu holiday party before we left for Ireland. Another Seinfeld fan told me today, Dec. 23, is Festivus. So we're having our First Annual Festivus/Christmas Party." A white pole stands up in a bucket of rock salt, near the Christmas tree. "See our Festivus Pole? It was our shower curtain rod until it broke just this morning. Now it's our Festivus Pole! It's our Festivus Miracle!"
"Well, a very Happy Festivus to you! A Guinness would be nice, thanks, if you have some. If not, a diet Coke would be fine. Did I miss the Airing of the Grievances? Not that I have any against you, but I'd like to complain about how my computer printer just wouldn't print my Christmas cards Monday and Tuesday. At this rate, people won't be seeing that photo of Santa and me until Valentine's Day. I really came over here to give you crazy kids a little Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Year, and whatever other winter holiday I may have neglected to mention." You hand them the magazine.
"I think you've covered them all," J says. "Until Groundhog Day and Super Bowl Sunday."
"How could you both forget Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday?" B pipes up.
"Sorry, B," you and J say in unison. "We know how you feel about Dr. King."
"Look, honeybee!" J holds the magazine in her hands. "She gave us this week's Time magazine. With three Persons of the Year on the cover. Bill and Melinda Gates, and ..."
"Bono." B finishes the sentence. "Since there's no U2 in our universe, that must be why we didn't get our copy of Time in our mail. We just thought the post office fecked up our subscription again. How did you ever get a real Time magazine with Bono on it into our alternate U2-less universe?"
"The staff at The Maze of jobob's Imagination remembered a few space-time continum tricks from my old collection of tapes of The X-Files. Plus, they called The Edge for a little advice. Their resuling formula is so secret, they wouldn't tell it to me -- and I'm the freakin' author! They could all be replaced, you know! May I mention that during my Airing of the Grievances?"
"So why are a rock star and the founder of Microsoft and his wife the Persons of the Year?" J asks, interrupting your Grievance.
"As the cover says, Time honored them for being The Good Samaritans. You know about Bono's commitment to poverty elimination and health care and AIDS in Africa. But did you know the Gateses have a very similar passion for education and Third World health care? And that the Gateses were major financial supporters of DATA? And the Gates Foundation is the world's largest, richest charity? And that the three of them are friends, even though Bono appears in iPod ads?"
"I didn't know that!" B says. "And I'm based on Bono!"
"May I borrow that magazine back from you for a second, J?," you ask you character. "Let's see, it says here on page 44 why they were chosen: 'For being shrewd about doing good, for rewiring politics and re-engineering justice, for making mercy smarter and hope strategic and then daring the rest of us to follow, Bill and Melinda Gates and Bono are Time's Persons of the Year.' Sounds kind of like how Bono himself would write it, doesn't it?"
"Very impressive," J says.
"I can't wait to read the rest of the story." B says. "But right now, we've got a party going on! Come, join us! And please forgive us, we've been a poor host and hostess! We never did get you that Guinness, jobob. I'll find a chilled Guinness and a pint glass for you. We'll drink our own little toast to the People of the Year." B goes into the kitchen.
"Honeybee, you're always going to be my Person of the Year!" J yells behind him.
"Now that he's gone ... Just between us, J, don't you think Bono looks damn good on that Time cover? Doesn't he look very rugged, very sexy?"
"He doesn't look as sexy there as my B can be."
"J, you're a Seinfeld fan. You know how Festivus celebrations officially end, don't you?"
"They end when the head of the household is wrestled and pinned to the ground," she says with a wink. "Something I'm planning on doing after the guests leave."
"We wish you a Happy Festivus, we wish you a Happy Festivus, we wish you a Happy Festivus ..." B sings to you as he lets you into his and J's home. It's in an older yet somewhat trendy Detroit suburb, a place favored by young and middle-aged professionals. It's a suburb much like your own. You can hear other guests laughing and talking. And they're challenging each other to play Euchre and board games -- the party's Feats of Strength.
"May we get you a beer?" J finishes the carol with a laugh. "B's been singing Festivus carols. Emily and her boyfriend came over, and a few of B's coworkers, and a few of my friends, and we decided to have a little impromptu holiday party before we left for Ireland. Another Seinfeld fan told me today, Dec. 23, is Festivus. So we're having our First Annual Festivus/Christmas Party." A white pole stands up in a bucket of rock salt, near the Christmas tree. "See our Festivus Pole? It was our shower curtain rod until it broke just this morning. Now it's our Festivus Pole! It's our Festivus Miracle!"
"Well, a very Happy Festivus to you! A Guinness would be nice, thanks, if you have some. If not, a diet Coke would be fine. Did I miss the Airing of the Grievances? Not that I have any against you, but I'd like to complain about how my computer printer just wouldn't print my Christmas cards Monday and Tuesday. At this rate, people won't be seeing that photo of Santa and me until Valentine's Day. I really came over here to give you crazy kids a little Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Year, and whatever other winter holiday I may have neglected to mention." You hand them the magazine.
"I think you've covered them all," J says. "Until Groundhog Day and Super Bowl Sunday."
"How could you both forget Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday?" B pipes up.
"Sorry, B," you and J say in unison. "We know how you feel about Dr. King."
"Look, honeybee!" J holds the magazine in her hands. "She gave us this week's Time magazine. With three Persons of the Year on the cover. Bill and Melinda Gates, and ..."
"Bono." B finishes the sentence. "Since there's no U2 in our universe, that must be why we didn't get our copy of Time in our mail. We just thought the post office fecked up our subscription again. How did you ever get a real Time magazine with Bono on it into our alternate U2-less universe?"
"The staff at The Maze of jobob's Imagination remembered a few space-time continum tricks from my old collection of tapes of The X-Files. Plus, they called The Edge for a little advice. Their resuling formula is so secret, they wouldn't tell it to me -- and I'm the freakin' author! They could all be replaced, you know! May I mention that during my Airing of the Grievances?"
"So why are a rock star and the founder of Microsoft and his wife the Persons of the Year?" J asks, interrupting your Grievance.
"As the cover says, Time honored them for being The Good Samaritans. You know about Bono's commitment to poverty elimination and health care and AIDS in Africa. But did you know the Gateses have a very similar passion for education and Third World health care? And that the Gateses were major financial supporters of DATA? And the Gates Foundation is the world's largest, richest charity? And that the three of them are friends, even though Bono appears in iPod ads?"
"I didn't know that!" B says. "And I'm based on Bono!"
"May I borrow that magazine back from you for a second, J?," you ask you character. "Let's see, it says here on page 44 why they were chosen: 'For being shrewd about doing good, for rewiring politics and re-engineering justice, for making mercy smarter and hope strategic and then daring the rest of us to follow, Bill and Melinda Gates and Bono are Time's Persons of the Year.' Sounds kind of like how Bono himself would write it, doesn't it?"
"Very impressive," J says.
"I can't wait to read the rest of the story." B says. "But right now, we've got a party going on! Come, join us! And please forgive us, we've been a poor host and hostess! We never did get you that Guinness, jobob. I'll find a chilled Guinness and a pint glass for you. We'll drink our own little toast to the People of the Year." B goes into the kitchen.
"Honeybee, you're always going to be my Person of the Year!" J yells behind him.
"Now that he's gone ... Just between us, J, don't you think Bono looks damn good on that Time cover? Doesn't he look very rugged, very sexy?"
"He doesn't look as sexy there as my B can be."
"J, you're a Seinfeld fan. You know how Festivus celebrations officially end, don't you?"
"They end when the head of the household is wrestled and pinned to the ground," she says with a wink. "Something I'm planning on doing after the guests leave."
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That was really great!!!!!
