Effanbee
The Fly
Free Falling
Chapter 14
It was dark when we reached Sweetwaters. I felt as if I’d been away for weeks and was glad to be on home ground again.
‘There’re lights on,’ observed Edge. ‘Bono must have got here before us.’
I looked at the welcoming lights on the front porch and glowing through the windows, but made no move to get out of the car.
‘What’s up, Roo?’ asked Edge.
‘I don’t know if I want to see him, Edge,’ I blurted out. ‘That is, I do, really, want to see him, but I’m afraid because I shouldn’t …’ I was making no sense, not even to myself, but Edge seemed to understand.
‘Well, you know the old saying: Fear stands for “Face Everything and Recover”,’ Edge offered.
‘How about “Fuck Everything and Run”?’ I suggested dourly.
Edge threw his head back and laughed. ‘Yeah, that too. Come on, Roo. It might not be as bad as you think.’
Mechanically, I got out of the car. Picked up Edge’s new babies and marched into my house. Edge followed with our luggage, quietly humming the theme from ‘Dambusters’ and raising a smile from me despite everything.
We were met in the hall by Beep, who proceeded to climb Edge’s leg, and Effy, who stood on my toes purring gigantically.
‘Cats, cats, we haven’t been gone that long,’ I chided them softly.
Edge dropped the luggage and detached Beep. She patted his face with a soft paw and lay in his arms, eyes closed blissfully.
I’d stalled again, momentum lost, so Edge led the way to the sitting room. Bono was lying on the sofa, eyes closed, headphones on. I realised I was gripping the handles of Edge’s guitar cases so hard my hands were cramped. As Edge crept over and removed Bono’s headphones I set the cases down in a safe place.
‘We’re home,’ Edge sang in Bono’s ear.
‘Edge, mate. Good to see you,’ said Bono fuzzily. He sat up, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Turned to look for me, a smile lighting up his face. ‘Ah, there you are, angel. What have you got there?’
‘Just a couple of things Edge picked up on his travels,’ I said. ‘I’m his personal roadie now, didn’t y’know?’
Bono looked at Edge, who was the picture of innocence. ‘Tell me all, Edge,’ Bono said with mock severity.
‘After I’ve made some tea,’ declared Edge, heading for the kitchen.
I watched him go, panicking slightly, looked back at Bono, who was regarding me enigmatically.
‘What?’ I said defensively. ‘Why are you looking at me like that, Bono?’
Bono raised an eyebrow. ‘Just wondering if you plan to stand in the corner all night or come and sit down with me,’ he said gently.
I sat down opposite Bono, in the big armchair.
‘OK,’ said Bono softly, still not taking his eyes off me.
I writhed under his scrutiny. Seeing him there, in front of me, so close, so untouchable, threatened to destroy my fragile emotional control.
‘Bono, please stop staring at me,’ I said, trying to sound firm but sounding pathetic instead.
‘Roo. Why are you being so prickly with me? What do you think I’m going to do?’ said Bono, keeping his voice low.
‘I never know what you’re going to do,’ I replied waspishly.
Every fibre of my being longed to go to him, throw my arms around him. I fought it desperately, building defences that I knew were flimsy and haphazard and could be swept away in a moment.
‘All I want to do is talk to you,’ said Bono. ‘Do you not want to talk to me, Roo? Truth now.’
‘Truth? Truth is I’m scared, Bono. And I don’t like feeling this way, even admitting it. It’s not good, feeling so weak. Call it hubris if you want, but that is the truth for me, right now.’
‘What is it you’re scared of, Roo?’ asked Bono. ‘I’ve seen you walk unafraid in situations that would have most people on their knees …’
‘The future, Bono. I’ve never had a fear like this before, however bleak its looked. Now it just looks empty, dull, without purpose.’ It was hard to admit that, worse to speak it out loud. I felt ashamed, disliking the person I seemed to have become. ‘Well, you did ask,’ I said when Bono stayed silent. ‘And I’ve been honest with you, Bono, as I promised I would.’ I stood up, shrugged. ‘I’m going to give Edge a hand.’
Edge was pottering around in the kitchen, looking for something edible. I noticed he’d fed the cats.
‘Thanks Edge. Do you want to go tell Bono all your good news? I can finish up in here. I think I’ve pissed him off,’ I added glumly.
‘I doubt you’ve done that,’ said Edge comfortingly. ‘You need some time, both of you, to talk - so I’m going to retire early tonight and give you some space.’
‘Edge, you’re the best of all men.’ Edge just smiled in his humble way.
When I brought some food and wine into the sitting room Edge and Bono were laughing together at Bono’s attempts to make beautiful music on Edge’s 12-string. It sounded pretty good to my untrained ear, but Edge obviously found it hysterical. Bono carefully laid the 12-string back in its case and raised a glass to Edge.
‘To Edge’s new house,’ said Bono, ‘Of which I am quite jealous. I may have to buy one myself, come and be your neighbour, Edge.’
‘God forbid,’ said Edge. ‘I only bought it t get away from you.’
Bono made a rude face at Edge. ‘Tell me about the musicians you met.’
Edge recounted the tale, bringing the scene to life in his eloquent way. Bono listened with great interest, leaning forward intently, totally focused.
Edge was as good as his word and said goodnight not long afterwards. I watched Bono in silence for a while, gauging his inner weather.
‘What do you feel about me right now, Bono?’ The question was asked before I could stop myself. I think it caught Bono unawares, as he thought for a while before answering me.
‘You’re confusing me a bit, Roo,’ he said. ‘Tonight you are almost hostile towards me. I’m not sure if that’s a defence mechanism or if you’re angry with me or if your feelings towards me have really changed.’
‘I’m not angry, Bono,’ I said, sipping the cool white wine. ‘I still love you, that hasn’t changed. Why should it? You’re still you, your wonderful self. You’re not my enemy.’
‘Far from it,’ said Bono. ‘Yet you’re sitting a mile away from me, you won’t come near me. Don’t you trust me, Roo?’
‘I trust you totally,’ I said. ‘I can’t trust myself, though. Why do you want me near you, Bono?’
‘Because I love you,’ he said simply.
My fragile defences began developing serious cracks. ‘I don’t understand, Bono. Here we are, proclaiming our love for each other, yet it’s hopeless. The world won’t let us be together.’
‘Love is never hopeless,’ said Bono. ‘It’s extremely challenging at times, though,’ he added with a sigh.
‘If I thought for one minute we had a chance, don’t you think I’d take up that challenge?’ I retorted, beginning to feel annoyed.
Bono smiled. ‘Ah, the spark of life returns. I was getting seriously worried there, Roo. It’s not like you to be so down and out.’
‘So you said all that to get a rise out of me?’ I asked him coldly.
Bono just looked at me with an eyebrow raised. I looked away, angry with him for provoking me out of my comfortable self-pity. One thing I knew about Bono was his absolute honesty, he wouldn’t be trying to trick me in any way.
When I looked back at him, he was holding his hand out to me. I reached out, he always said his hands were stumpy but I loved them because they were warm and enfolded mine so easily, and he raised my hand to his lips in the gesture of affection I knew so well. He gently pulled me over to sit beside him on the sofa.
‘I feel like I’ve run off a cliff,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m in free fall now, and the landing’s going to be so hard. I’ve never hit bottom before, Bono, no matter what, and I’m so, so afraid.’
Bono looked startled, a gleam of recognition in his eyes, and I knew then he’d been there too, in free fall. Only he had his safety net, his faith, his family.
‘You have wings, Roo,’ he told me. ‘Unfold them. You don’t need me, you don’t need anyone - believe in yourself, angel.’
‘How can you love me, Bono? I’m such a loser. I wanted to let you go with dignity and grace, and I’ve failed.’
‘You have NOT failed,’ said Bono with conviction. ‘You’ve done something extraordinary, shown me a way back home despite the cost to you, and I’ll never, never forget this.’
I turned Bono’s hand over, tracing with my finger the gold band he wore. The simple ring which stood between me and everything I desired and which symbolised all that was good in Bono’s life. Eternal, unbreakable.
‘I remember the first time I saw you,’ I said. ‘I was completely flustered - I’d just recognised you all, and I caught you looking at me as if you knew exactly what I was thinking. I found you very … attractive, even when you were chucking up all over my boots. Every time I saw you that attraction grew stronger. It was strange to me, strange and wonderful, too.’
‘I saw this little woman in a sexy flying suit, full of authority, looking at me with a “I’ve got your number, bigshot” smile. You fascinated me, so I wrote you a note. Thought you’d never reply, but I wanted t see you again.’
‘And you came and picked me up and got lost …’
‘And you fell asleep on me on the way home …’
We both smiled, remembering.
‘I think it was the day of the thunderstorm, when I knew for sure,’ I said. ‘I knew I loved you and I knew I couldn’t tell you. You put me to the test, Bono.’
‘As you did too, angel. I wanted to pick you up and carry you off …’ Bono sighed and I leaned against his shoulder, forgetting we were supposed to stay apart. Bono must have forgotten too, as he put his arm round me and kissed the top of my head.
We lost ourselves in the past, avoiding the present and all the things we should have been saying.
Eventually the world caught up with us again. ‘Bono, we shouldn’t be doing this,’ I said, alarmed at how easily we had been waylaid.
‘Yes, I should go back,’ said Bono reluctantly. This reluctance alarmed me even more. I sat up.
‘Bono, you must go back. Haven’t you sorted things out with Alison?’
‘Calm down, Roo, everything’s sorted. Nearly,’ Bono added.
‘Nearly?’
‘Hmm. Don’t frown at me Roo. Alison knows where I am. She was very clear about me seeing you. Said I owed it to you to tell you face-to-face. I’d have come here anyway, though,’ said Bono.
He certainly had a stubborn streak, I thought. Didn’t like to be told what to do. I could identify with that, being that way inclined myself.
‘So?’
‘So what?’
‘So are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I need to beat you around the head?’
Bono’s eyes held the faintest sparkle of mischief for a second before he replied.
‘OK, angel, I’ve been prevaricating again, I know. So here it is: I will be going back to my family and going back to work. Ali’s very pissed off with me, she has forgiven me but she’s made a lot of conditions. One of them is that I must make sure you’re alright, or as alright as possible. She says she has to learn to trust me again …’
The light went out of Bono’s eyes and so also out of my heart, which was in a million pieces and beyond repair. In that moment all I wanted was to see that light return. I reached out to Bono with all the strength I had left.
‘Thank you for telling me. I know it’s hard for you, Bono. If, as you tell me, I haven’t failed then surely neither have you, for you’re doing the right thing even though it’s so difficult.’
‘I’m not sure I can put things right,’ Bono admitted. ‘It’s not possible to give you both what you want.’
‘It might help if you actually knew what I want, Bono.’
He looked at me, puzzled.
‘Right now, all I want is to see you going forward into the world, doing what you were born to do. I know we can’t be together, Bono, and I’ll learn to accept that in time. I’ll be here, down at my end of the world, your friend for as long as you need me. You’ve given me so much, made me feel so special, brought so much into my life. Let me give you something back.’
Understanding came into Bono’s eyes, and relief, and the shadow lifted. He hugged me tightly, without reservation.
‘I’ll get my wings back,’ I whispered to him. ‘I’ll fly again, Bono. I am a pilot, after all. It’s what I do.’
Chapter 14
It was dark when we reached Sweetwaters. I felt as if I’d been away for weeks and was glad to be on home ground again.
‘There’re lights on,’ observed Edge. ‘Bono must have got here before us.’
I looked at the welcoming lights on the front porch and glowing through the windows, but made no move to get out of the car.
‘What’s up, Roo?’ asked Edge.
‘I don’t know if I want to see him, Edge,’ I blurted out. ‘That is, I do, really, want to see him, but I’m afraid because I shouldn’t …’ I was making no sense, not even to myself, but Edge seemed to understand.
‘Well, you know the old saying: Fear stands for “Face Everything and Recover”,’ Edge offered.
‘How about “Fuck Everything and Run”?’ I suggested dourly.
Edge threw his head back and laughed. ‘Yeah, that too. Come on, Roo. It might not be as bad as you think.’
Mechanically, I got out of the car. Picked up Edge’s new babies and marched into my house. Edge followed with our luggage, quietly humming the theme from ‘Dambusters’ and raising a smile from me despite everything.
We were met in the hall by Beep, who proceeded to climb Edge’s leg, and Effy, who stood on my toes purring gigantically.
‘Cats, cats, we haven’t been gone that long,’ I chided them softly.
Edge dropped the luggage and detached Beep. She patted his face with a soft paw and lay in his arms, eyes closed blissfully.
I’d stalled again, momentum lost, so Edge led the way to the sitting room. Bono was lying on the sofa, eyes closed, headphones on. I realised I was gripping the handles of Edge’s guitar cases so hard my hands were cramped. As Edge crept over and removed Bono’s headphones I set the cases down in a safe place.
‘We’re home,’ Edge sang in Bono’s ear.
‘Edge, mate. Good to see you,’ said Bono fuzzily. He sat up, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Turned to look for me, a smile lighting up his face. ‘Ah, there you are, angel. What have you got there?’
‘Just a couple of things Edge picked up on his travels,’ I said. ‘I’m his personal roadie now, didn’t y’know?’
Bono looked at Edge, who was the picture of innocence. ‘Tell me all, Edge,’ Bono said with mock severity.
‘After I’ve made some tea,’ declared Edge, heading for the kitchen.
I watched him go, panicking slightly, looked back at Bono, who was regarding me enigmatically.
‘What?’ I said defensively. ‘Why are you looking at me like that, Bono?’
Bono raised an eyebrow. ‘Just wondering if you plan to stand in the corner all night or come and sit down with me,’ he said gently.
I sat down opposite Bono, in the big armchair.
‘OK,’ said Bono softly, still not taking his eyes off me.
I writhed under his scrutiny. Seeing him there, in front of me, so close, so untouchable, threatened to destroy my fragile emotional control.
‘Bono, please stop staring at me,’ I said, trying to sound firm but sounding pathetic instead.
‘Roo. Why are you being so prickly with me? What do you think I’m going to do?’ said Bono, keeping his voice low.
‘I never know what you’re going to do,’ I replied waspishly.
Every fibre of my being longed to go to him, throw my arms around him. I fought it desperately, building defences that I knew were flimsy and haphazard and could be swept away in a moment.
‘All I want to do is talk to you,’ said Bono. ‘Do you not want to talk to me, Roo? Truth now.’
‘Truth? Truth is I’m scared, Bono. And I don’t like feeling this way, even admitting it. It’s not good, feeling so weak. Call it hubris if you want, but that is the truth for me, right now.’
‘What is it you’re scared of, Roo?’ asked Bono. ‘I’ve seen you walk unafraid in situations that would have most people on their knees …’
‘The future, Bono. I’ve never had a fear like this before, however bleak its looked. Now it just looks empty, dull, without purpose.’ It was hard to admit that, worse to speak it out loud. I felt ashamed, disliking the person I seemed to have become. ‘Well, you did ask,’ I said when Bono stayed silent. ‘And I’ve been honest with you, Bono, as I promised I would.’ I stood up, shrugged. ‘I’m going to give Edge a hand.’
Edge was pottering around in the kitchen, looking for something edible. I noticed he’d fed the cats.
‘Thanks Edge. Do you want to go tell Bono all your good news? I can finish up in here. I think I’ve pissed him off,’ I added glumly.
‘I doubt you’ve done that,’ said Edge comfortingly. ‘You need some time, both of you, to talk - so I’m going to retire early tonight and give you some space.’
‘Edge, you’re the best of all men.’ Edge just smiled in his humble way.
When I brought some food and wine into the sitting room Edge and Bono were laughing together at Bono’s attempts to make beautiful music on Edge’s 12-string. It sounded pretty good to my untrained ear, but Edge obviously found it hysterical. Bono carefully laid the 12-string back in its case and raised a glass to Edge.
‘To Edge’s new house,’ said Bono, ‘Of which I am quite jealous. I may have to buy one myself, come and be your neighbour, Edge.’
‘God forbid,’ said Edge. ‘I only bought it t get away from you.’
Bono made a rude face at Edge. ‘Tell me about the musicians you met.’
Edge recounted the tale, bringing the scene to life in his eloquent way. Bono listened with great interest, leaning forward intently, totally focused.
Edge was as good as his word and said goodnight not long afterwards. I watched Bono in silence for a while, gauging his inner weather.
‘What do you feel about me right now, Bono?’ The question was asked before I could stop myself. I think it caught Bono unawares, as he thought for a while before answering me.
‘You’re confusing me a bit, Roo,’ he said. ‘Tonight you are almost hostile towards me. I’m not sure if that’s a defence mechanism or if you’re angry with me or if your feelings towards me have really changed.’
‘I’m not angry, Bono,’ I said, sipping the cool white wine. ‘I still love you, that hasn’t changed. Why should it? You’re still you, your wonderful self. You’re not my enemy.’
‘Far from it,’ said Bono. ‘Yet you’re sitting a mile away from me, you won’t come near me. Don’t you trust me, Roo?’
‘I trust you totally,’ I said. ‘I can’t trust myself, though. Why do you want me near you, Bono?’
‘Because I love you,’ he said simply.
My fragile defences began developing serious cracks. ‘I don’t understand, Bono. Here we are, proclaiming our love for each other, yet it’s hopeless. The world won’t let us be together.’
‘Love is never hopeless,’ said Bono. ‘It’s extremely challenging at times, though,’ he added with a sigh.
‘If I thought for one minute we had a chance, don’t you think I’d take up that challenge?’ I retorted, beginning to feel annoyed.
Bono smiled. ‘Ah, the spark of life returns. I was getting seriously worried there, Roo. It’s not like you to be so down and out.’
‘So you said all that to get a rise out of me?’ I asked him coldly.
Bono just looked at me with an eyebrow raised. I looked away, angry with him for provoking me out of my comfortable self-pity. One thing I knew about Bono was his absolute honesty, he wouldn’t be trying to trick me in any way.
When I looked back at him, he was holding his hand out to me. I reached out, he always said his hands were stumpy but I loved them because they were warm and enfolded mine so easily, and he raised my hand to his lips in the gesture of affection I knew so well. He gently pulled me over to sit beside him on the sofa.
‘I feel like I’ve run off a cliff,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m in free fall now, and the landing’s going to be so hard. I’ve never hit bottom before, Bono, no matter what, and I’m so, so afraid.’
Bono looked startled, a gleam of recognition in his eyes, and I knew then he’d been there too, in free fall. Only he had his safety net, his faith, his family.
‘You have wings, Roo,’ he told me. ‘Unfold them. You don’t need me, you don’t need anyone - believe in yourself, angel.’
‘How can you love me, Bono? I’m such a loser. I wanted to let you go with dignity and grace, and I’ve failed.’
‘You have NOT failed,’ said Bono with conviction. ‘You’ve done something extraordinary, shown me a way back home despite the cost to you, and I’ll never, never forget this.’
I turned Bono’s hand over, tracing with my finger the gold band he wore. The simple ring which stood between me and everything I desired and which symbolised all that was good in Bono’s life. Eternal, unbreakable.
‘I remember the first time I saw you,’ I said. ‘I was completely flustered - I’d just recognised you all, and I caught you looking at me as if you knew exactly what I was thinking. I found you very … attractive, even when you were chucking up all over my boots. Every time I saw you that attraction grew stronger. It was strange to me, strange and wonderful, too.’
‘I saw this little woman in a sexy flying suit, full of authority, looking at me with a “I’ve got your number, bigshot” smile. You fascinated me, so I wrote you a note. Thought you’d never reply, but I wanted t see you again.’
‘And you came and picked me up and got lost …’
‘And you fell asleep on me on the way home …’
We both smiled, remembering.
‘I think it was the day of the thunderstorm, when I knew for sure,’ I said. ‘I knew I loved you and I knew I couldn’t tell you. You put me to the test, Bono.’
‘As you did too, angel. I wanted to pick you up and carry you off …’ Bono sighed and I leaned against his shoulder, forgetting we were supposed to stay apart. Bono must have forgotten too, as he put his arm round me and kissed the top of my head.
We lost ourselves in the past, avoiding the present and all the things we should have been saying.
Eventually the world caught up with us again. ‘Bono, we shouldn’t be doing this,’ I said, alarmed at how easily we had been waylaid.
‘Yes, I should go back,’ said Bono reluctantly. This reluctance alarmed me even more. I sat up.
‘Bono, you must go back. Haven’t you sorted things out with Alison?’
‘Calm down, Roo, everything’s sorted. Nearly,’ Bono added.
‘Nearly?’
‘Hmm. Don’t frown at me Roo. Alison knows where I am. She was very clear about me seeing you. Said I owed it to you to tell you face-to-face. I’d have come here anyway, though,’ said Bono.
He certainly had a stubborn streak, I thought. Didn’t like to be told what to do. I could identify with that, being that way inclined myself.
‘So?’
‘So what?’
‘So are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I need to beat you around the head?’
Bono’s eyes held the faintest sparkle of mischief for a second before he replied.
‘OK, angel, I’ve been prevaricating again, I know. So here it is: I will be going back to my family and going back to work. Ali’s very pissed off with me, she has forgiven me but she’s made a lot of conditions. One of them is that I must make sure you’re alright, or as alright as possible. She says she has to learn to trust me again …’
The light went out of Bono’s eyes and so also out of my heart, which was in a million pieces and beyond repair. In that moment all I wanted was to see that light return. I reached out to Bono with all the strength I had left.
‘Thank you for telling me. I know it’s hard for you, Bono. If, as you tell me, I haven’t failed then surely neither have you, for you’re doing the right thing even though it’s so difficult.’
‘I’m not sure I can put things right,’ Bono admitted. ‘It’s not possible to give you both what you want.’
‘It might help if you actually knew what I want, Bono.’
He looked at me, puzzled.
‘Right now, all I want is to see you going forward into the world, doing what you were born to do. I know we can’t be together, Bono, and I’ll learn to accept that in time. I’ll be here, down at my end of the world, your friend for as long as you need me. You’ve given me so much, made me feel so special, brought so much into my life. Let me give you something back.’
Understanding came into Bono’s eyes, and relief, and the shadow lifted. He hugged me tightly, without reservation.
‘I’ll get my wings back,’ I whispered to him. ‘I’ll fly again, Bono. I am a pilot, after all. It’s what I do.’
awww!!
Roo and Bono
I've been crying too, reading Grace's story 
