Alisaura
Blue Crack Supplier
Didn't mean to leave it quite this long... 
Usual Disclaimer: All made-up rubbish. Any factual boo-boos are mine, quoted lyrics are not. (Credit to Gotye, this week.)
end of chapter 36:
--------
Finally, Glen spoke. "I trust you, Lisa. I do. I love you, and I trust you."
I could see that this was a very big deal for him. And justifiably so. I treated the moment with the respect it deserved.
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that," I said, brushing my hand across his face. "I love you too, and I trust you. I know you would never hurt me." We gathered in for a hug. Tears stung my eyes again, but for a different reason this time. "How did I get so lucky?" I whispered into Glen's shoulder.
-----------
Chapter 37:
-----------
All the things you thought you came here for
Everything you thought you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true
Ed had emailed back, asking for details of what my dream contained. Ewain hadn't been present when Eleri died, and Mag had only mentioned the very last of Eleri's words to her, when she'd spoken to Ewain about it later. I'd replied with an outline of the dream, but apparently the medium of email wasn't sufficient. The phone rang one day, while Glen was at work.
"Hello?"
"Hello," said Ed.
"Oh," I said. "You're taking a hell of a gamble," I added.
"I was fully prepared to hang up if... anyone else answered," he said, but I sensed his attempt at humour was strained. His voice sounded even rougher than the last time.
"I won't call the cops this time," I said. "What is it?"
"You said Eleri was describing a ritual to Mag, before she died."
"Yes." I could see the scene in all-too-vivid detail in my mind's eye. It was almost more familiar to me than some parts of our house. Then I realised something. "...Ooh."
"What was the ritual for?" Ed was asking in the mean time.
"She said... she said it was to be used if a sacred place becomes corrupted," I said slowly. "To draw the Earth spirits back, and cleanse the land."
"Aaaaah," Ed breathed, as if he'd found the Answer to Everything. "That's why you've been dreaming it. That's what we have to do! Did she tell you what to do?"
I couldn't speak for a moment. Andrew had come to a parallel conclusion, at least in terms of the recurring dream containing something that I needed to acknowledge or do or accept, or something. He thought this added weight to his theory of closure, but he'd been concentrating on the last part of the dream, where Eleri told Mag to follow her heart. He hadn't examined the earlier part in the same detail, and I couldn't even recall whether I'd remembered to mention the purpose of the ritual to him, when describing the dream. The significance of that detail had escaped me too, until now. Perhaps I was finally consciously acknowledging whatever I needed to acknowledge. And the worst of it was, Ed's revelation had that ring of truth. I couldn't ignore it.
"Mag?"
That brought me back. "What did you call me?"
"Ack, I'm sorry. Lisa. Are you all right?"
I considered calling him Ewain in return, but I couldn't be that cruel. "I'm fine. And no, she didn't tell me what to do. More to the point, she didn't give Mag nearly enough detail to be able to conduct it properly herself. The knowledge was lost."
"She told Mag, 'You will know what to do'. She told her to follow her heart, if knowledge failed."
"Is this your dream, or mine?" I said, a trifle testily. Quoting my own dream back at me, indeed.
"You know what I've been dreaming over and over again?" Ed's voice was ragged.
"No."
"His death. Burning to death, every damn night. My wife tells me I'm not screaming so much any more, but she's still scared. My kids are scared. I'M scared. I need this to stop. And this, this is the way to stop it."
"Oh, gawd," I said, appalled. "That's horrific!"
"Yes, it is. Tell me what she told y-- Mag. I'm sorry, I'm very tired."
I couldn't blame him for the sarcasm.
"All right, but there's nothing much to go on. She said there should be drums, because the Earth spirits respond to them. She said that besides the Ritemaster, there should be four other people inside the circle, one of each element. And she said something about my... about Mag's blood, the Ritemaster's blood. That's it."
"Four others... and drums?" Ed sounded at once pensive, and almost incredulous.
"That's all she said, besides the blood. I don't like the sound of that, let me tell you."
"We won't need all of it. This sounds like something Ewain heard about once, too. Blood to wake the spirits, each of the spirits..." I could almost hear his mind working.
"I can't go conducting some half-remembered ritual!" I said, as the idea began to take on a frightening solidity in my head. At the back of my mind, it felt right. "And besides, where are you going to find three other people, of the right elements no less, to go along with it? I mean, Glen's like Water, but I don't think I could talk him into this."
"You've been doing that too? Assigning elements to people you know?"
"Yeah," I admitted. "I think my counsellor is Air, like you."
"And you're obviously Earth. I have some friends... Do you think I could represent Air in the ritual, even though I'm carrying Ewain's memories around?"
"I don't see why not, but we can't..."
"Why can't we? How many more times do you want to dream Eleri's death? Has the counsellor helped at all to stop the dreams? This is something that counsellors and alcohol and sleep deprivation can't solve. I need this to be over, for the reasons I told you before, and for my own sake. For my family's sake, and my friends'. I cannot go on like this, Lisa. I don't know what will happen to me, but I'm at my limit. Please."
My heart ached for him, the raw desperation in his voice. He sounded disturbingly close to tears.
And there was no denying that I would be eternally grateful to end my own cycle of endlessly repeating dreams, although I no longer felt qualified to complain about them.
"You need to talk to these friends of yours," I said eventually. "You don't know that they'll agree. In the mean time, I'll think about it."
My subconscious rewarded me that night, by playing back a different dream. It was the dedication of the circle to the Earth, again, even though the spirits had probably already been damaged and driven away by then. A reminder, perhaps, of why this ritual was needed, even thousands of years later.
-------------------------------------------
"I need your help."
"I am glad to hear you admit that, but I'm not sure what we can do, exactly...?"
"You can come to Wales with me, all three of you. I think I know how to make the dreams stop, and put an end to all of this."
"What d'you mean, put an end to it?"
"Don't look so worried, it's nothing sinister. Lisa's been dreaming about a ritual that I think will solve everything. If she agrees, I want us to go there, and carry it out."
"I dunno... Why do we have to be there, too? Are you sure she doesn't know who you are?"
"Yes, I'm sure, and you're being paranoid. She said that four other people need to be present, besides herself, to stand for the four elements. One person of each. She didn't think I would be able to find three other people of the right element who would agree to go along, but here I am, asking you."
"And we've got the, uh, the right elements?"
"I think so. That's what Ewain's experience is telling me, anyway. Look, this might all be rubbish, it might not matter, I might have it all wrong. Never mind the elements if you don't like that. But I'm asking you, as friends, to help me do this. I need to do it, I can't go on much longer, dreaming my death every single damn night. I'd wanted to go back before, just to see it through, but this has made things a little more urgent."
"How long do you think it will take?"
"We should be able to get there and back within a few days. The ritual itself will probably take part of one night."
"The timing isn't ideal..."
"When is it ever? But I'm in no shape to start doing interviews now. For so many reasons, the sooner I can lay these memories to rest, the better."
"What will we have to do?"
"I don't know, probably nothing. Just stand there, I think. Oh, you might need to shed a drop or two of blood, as well. That's all."
"What?! Why? ... Don't look at me like that."
"It's just a bit of blood. I'll take a first aid kit, you don't have to worry your pretty head about it."
"You'll do it, then?"
"Of course. Aside from everything else, it'll be interesting to see an ancient ritual enacted."
"I can't guarantee it'll be 100% historically accurate. What about you?"
"I'm up for it."
"... I don't like the sound of this, but if you need me, I'll do it."
"Thank you... oh. I just remembered, there needs to be drumming, as well."
"Just as well I'm comin' along then, isn't it."
----------------------------------------
I had two days to think about it before Ed emailed me, telling me his friends had agreed. I was a little surprised, and wondered what these friends were expecting. Then again, maybe his friends were into mysticism and all that stuff, and would be more comfortable with the whole thing than I was.
That was another thing that was worrying me. How could I hope to carry out this ritual if at least half of my brain didn't believe in it? I didn't know whether there really were spirits in the world or not, or whether it would make any difference if I believed in them or not. Maybe I could explain things to one of Ed's friends, if they were these occult types, and they could take over.
I shook my head. That was the easy way out, avoiding any responsibility I might have via Mag's memories. No point in complaining that I never wanted them, or asking 'why me' ? the fact was that I had them, and that was it. And it was in my nature to want to do something properly, if I was going to do it at all.
And every day, certainty grew in me that I should do this ritual. That it was the right thing to do, that it was the reason behind all the dreams. I had taken Eleri's advice to heart, and so I was following mine, and my instincts.
It was unexpectedly easy. But I still worried about how I could step into Mag's shoes.
I emailed Ed back, saying that I would do it.
The next day, I was due to see Andrew. I called ahead and told the receptionist that I wouldn't be needing to see him any more, and to cancel future appointments. A little later on, Andrew himself called me back.
"Good morning, Lisa," he said. "I understand you've cancelled your appointments with me?"
"That's right," I said. This, too, felt right.
"Would you mind if I asked why?"
"It's no reflection on you," I said. "You've been great, really, I wanted to thank you. I've learned a lot... but ultimately, I went to you because of these dreams, and I've found another solution. If it doesn't work, I'll probably see you again, but I need to try this first."
"You seem pretty sure of this other solution," Andrew said. "Can I ask what it is?"
"You should like it," I said, smiling. "I'm going back to the circle."
"Will you let me know how you go?"
"All right," I said. "Thanks again."
"You're welcome, Lisa," he said. I hung up.
----------------------------
Usual Disclaimer: All made-up rubbish. Any factual boo-boos are mine, quoted lyrics are not. (Credit to Gotye, this week.)
end of chapter 36:
--------
Finally, Glen spoke. "I trust you, Lisa. I do. I love you, and I trust you."
I could see that this was a very big deal for him. And justifiably so. I treated the moment with the respect it deserved.
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that," I said, brushing my hand across his face. "I love you too, and I trust you. I know you would never hurt me." We gathered in for a hug. Tears stung my eyes again, but for a different reason this time. "How did I get so lucky?" I whispered into Glen's shoulder.
-----------
Chapter 37:
-----------
All the things you thought you came here for
Everything you thought you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true
Ed had emailed back, asking for details of what my dream contained. Ewain hadn't been present when Eleri died, and Mag had only mentioned the very last of Eleri's words to her, when she'd spoken to Ewain about it later. I'd replied with an outline of the dream, but apparently the medium of email wasn't sufficient. The phone rang one day, while Glen was at work.
"Hello?"
"Hello," said Ed.
"Oh," I said. "You're taking a hell of a gamble," I added.
"I was fully prepared to hang up if... anyone else answered," he said, but I sensed his attempt at humour was strained. His voice sounded even rougher than the last time.
"I won't call the cops this time," I said. "What is it?"
"You said Eleri was describing a ritual to Mag, before she died."
"Yes." I could see the scene in all-too-vivid detail in my mind's eye. It was almost more familiar to me than some parts of our house. Then I realised something. "...Ooh."
"What was the ritual for?" Ed was asking in the mean time.
"She said... she said it was to be used if a sacred place becomes corrupted," I said slowly. "To draw the Earth spirits back, and cleanse the land."
"Aaaaah," Ed breathed, as if he'd found the Answer to Everything. "That's why you've been dreaming it. That's what we have to do! Did she tell you what to do?"
I couldn't speak for a moment. Andrew had come to a parallel conclusion, at least in terms of the recurring dream containing something that I needed to acknowledge or do or accept, or something. He thought this added weight to his theory of closure, but he'd been concentrating on the last part of the dream, where Eleri told Mag to follow her heart. He hadn't examined the earlier part in the same detail, and I couldn't even recall whether I'd remembered to mention the purpose of the ritual to him, when describing the dream. The significance of that detail had escaped me too, until now. Perhaps I was finally consciously acknowledging whatever I needed to acknowledge. And the worst of it was, Ed's revelation had that ring of truth. I couldn't ignore it.
"Mag?"
That brought me back. "What did you call me?"
"Ack, I'm sorry. Lisa. Are you all right?"
I considered calling him Ewain in return, but I couldn't be that cruel. "I'm fine. And no, she didn't tell me what to do. More to the point, she didn't give Mag nearly enough detail to be able to conduct it properly herself. The knowledge was lost."
"She told Mag, 'You will know what to do'. She told her to follow her heart, if knowledge failed."
"Is this your dream, or mine?" I said, a trifle testily. Quoting my own dream back at me, indeed.
"You know what I've been dreaming over and over again?" Ed's voice was ragged.
"No."
"His death. Burning to death, every damn night. My wife tells me I'm not screaming so much any more, but she's still scared. My kids are scared. I'M scared. I need this to stop. And this, this is the way to stop it."
"Oh, gawd," I said, appalled. "That's horrific!"
"Yes, it is. Tell me what she told y-- Mag. I'm sorry, I'm very tired."
I couldn't blame him for the sarcasm.
"All right, but there's nothing much to go on. She said there should be drums, because the Earth spirits respond to them. She said that besides the Ritemaster, there should be four other people inside the circle, one of each element. And she said something about my... about Mag's blood, the Ritemaster's blood. That's it."
"Four others... and drums?" Ed sounded at once pensive, and almost incredulous.
"That's all she said, besides the blood. I don't like the sound of that, let me tell you."
"We won't need all of it. This sounds like something Ewain heard about once, too. Blood to wake the spirits, each of the spirits..." I could almost hear his mind working.
"I can't go conducting some half-remembered ritual!" I said, as the idea began to take on a frightening solidity in my head. At the back of my mind, it felt right. "And besides, where are you going to find three other people, of the right elements no less, to go along with it? I mean, Glen's like Water, but I don't think I could talk him into this."
"You've been doing that too? Assigning elements to people you know?"
"Yeah," I admitted. "I think my counsellor is Air, like you."
"And you're obviously Earth. I have some friends... Do you think I could represent Air in the ritual, even though I'm carrying Ewain's memories around?"
"I don't see why not, but we can't..."
"Why can't we? How many more times do you want to dream Eleri's death? Has the counsellor helped at all to stop the dreams? This is something that counsellors and alcohol and sleep deprivation can't solve. I need this to be over, for the reasons I told you before, and for my own sake. For my family's sake, and my friends'. I cannot go on like this, Lisa. I don't know what will happen to me, but I'm at my limit. Please."
My heart ached for him, the raw desperation in his voice. He sounded disturbingly close to tears.
And there was no denying that I would be eternally grateful to end my own cycle of endlessly repeating dreams, although I no longer felt qualified to complain about them.
"You need to talk to these friends of yours," I said eventually. "You don't know that they'll agree. In the mean time, I'll think about it."
My subconscious rewarded me that night, by playing back a different dream. It was the dedication of the circle to the Earth, again, even though the spirits had probably already been damaged and driven away by then. A reminder, perhaps, of why this ritual was needed, even thousands of years later.
-------------------------------------------
"I need your help."
"I am glad to hear you admit that, but I'm not sure what we can do, exactly...?"
"You can come to Wales with me, all three of you. I think I know how to make the dreams stop, and put an end to all of this."
"What d'you mean, put an end to it?"
"Don't look so worried, it's nothing sinister. Lisa's been dreaming about a ritual that I think will solve everything. If she agrees, I want us to go there, and carry it out."
"I dunno... Why do we have to be there, too? Are you sure she doesn't know who you are?"
"Yes, I'm sure, and you're being paranoid. She said that four other people need to be present, besides herself, to stand for the four elements. One person of each. She didn't think I would be able to find three other people of the right element who would agree to go along, but here I am, asking you."
"And we've got the, uh, the right elements?"
"I think so. That's what Ewain's experience is telling me, anyway. Look, this might all be rubbish, it might not matter, I might have it all wrong. Never mind the elements if you don't like that. But I'm asking you, as friends, to help me do this. I need to do it, I can't go on much longer, dreaming my death every single damn night. I'd wanted to go back before, just to see it through, but this has made things a little more urgent."
"How long do you think it will take?"
"We should be able to get there and back within a few days. The ritual itself will probably take part of one night."
"The timing isn't ideal..."
"When is it ever? But I'm in no shape to start doing interviews now. For so many reasons, the sooner I can lay these memories to rest, the better."
"What will we have to do?"
"I don't know, probably nothing. Just stand there, I think. Oh, you might need to shed a drop or two of blood, as well. That's all."
"What?! Why? ... Don't look at me like that."
"It's just a bit of blood. I'll take a first aid kit, you don't have to worry your pretty head about it."
"You'll do it, then?"
"Of course. Aside from everything else, it'll be interesting to see an ancient ritual enacted."
"I can't guarantee it'll be 100% historically accurate. What about you?"
"I'm up for it."
"... I don't like the sound of this, but if you need me, I'll do it."
"Thank you... oh. I just remembered, there needs to be drumming, as well."
"Just as well I'm comin' along then, isn't it."
----------------------------------------
I had two days to think about it before Ed emailed me, telling me his friends had agreed. I was a little surprised, and wondered what these friends were expecting. Then again, maybe his friends were into mysticism and all that stuff, and would be more comfortable with the whole thing than I was.
That was another thing that was worrying me. How could I hope to carry out this ritual if at least half of my brain didn't believe in it? I didn't know whether there really were spirits in the world or not, or whether it would make any difference if I believed in them or not. Maybe I could explain things to one of Ed's friends, if they were these occult types, and they could take over.
I shook my head. That was the easy way out, avoiding any responsibility I might have via Mag's memories. No point in complaining that I never wanted them, or asking 'why me' ? the fact was that I had them, and that was it. And it was in my nature to want to do something properly, if I was going to do it at all.
And every day, certainty grew in me that I should do this ritual. That it was the right thing to do, that it was the reason behind all the dreams. I had taken Eleri's advice to heart, and so I was following mine, and my instincts.
It was unexpectedly easy. But I still worried about how I could step into Mag's shoes.
I emailed Ed back, saying that I would do it.
The next day, I was due to see Andrew. I called ahead and told the receptionist that I wouldn't be needing to see him any more, and to cancel future appointments. A little later on, Andrew himself called me back.
"Good morning, Lisa," he said. "I understand you've cancelled your appointments with me?"
"That's right," I said. This, too, felt right.
"Would you mind if I asked why?"
"It's no reflection on you," I said. "You've been great, really, I wanted to thank you. I've learned a lot... but ultimately, I went to you because of these dreams, and I've found another solution. If it doesn't work, I'll probably see you again, but I need to try this first."
"You seem pretty sure of this other solution," Andrew said. "Can I ask what it is?"
"You should like it," I said, smiling. "I'm going back to the circle."
"Will you let me know how you go?"
"All right," I said. "Thanks again."
"You're welcome, Lisa," he said. I hung up.
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AWESOME!!!
so, performing a ritual with the whole band eh... 
More more more!! And soon!
