Alisaura
Blue Crack Supplier
There's a bit of swearing in this one...
Disclaimer: All a load of highly impossible bollocks...
end of chapter 35:
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"IF there were ever really spirits there, they've gone now."
"I'm not so sure. There's definitely something in the air out there, it's like nowhere else I've been."
I heard muted voices in the background while I was ruminating on that.
"Look, I need to get going. Thank you for calling, Lisa. It's good to talk to someone who doesn't think I'm insane."
"You're welcome, I guess. I hope... well, I hope your dreams stop. Or something."
"Or something," Ed agreed. He hung up.
And as usual, a conversation with Ed had left me with a dozen more things to think about than I'd had before. Typical.
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Chapter 36:
-----------
We're damned after all
Through fortune and flame we fall
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way
To return from the ashes you call...
"I think the only reason you don't want to go back to the circle is that you're afraid that something will happen, like that incident you told me about," Andrew told me in our next session. "And also, you're worried about how Glen will react. It makes sense that you would want to go back there, after all those dreams, and put the memories to rest. To make a conclusion."
"Are you sure you're not Ed in disguise?" I said, peering at Andrew suspiciously. He just smiled.
"I think you should consider going there and making peace with the place, just for your own sake. Leave Ed out of it if you're not comfortable with that. Ask Glen if he'd like to join you."
"Hmm." I made a non-committal noise.
"How's the job searching going?" Andrew asked, changing the subject.
I shrugged. "I've been reading journals again, and had a look at the job market. There's not much that appeals at the moment, to be honest."
"Would it have appealed once?"
"I don't want to change careers," I said. "I can't think of anything else I could do. And I'm too old to start at the bottom of some other line of work, even if I could think of one I wanted to do."
"You're avoiding the issue," Andrew said. "Are you still interested in the sort of jobs you were doing last year?"
I frowned. "Well, yes, I think so. I would like to get back out in the field, and the thought of getting away to another far-flung location does have some appeal."
"Escaping again?"
"Perhaps," I admitted. "But on the other hand, I feel kind of reluctant to leave the country, too."
"Why is that, do you think?"
"I... well, it's almost like I'm worried that something else will happen while I'm away. To do with the dreams and everything." I reddened slightly.
"I think you need to close the book on this chapter of your life before you can fit back into your old pattern. Or make a new pattern, if that's what you want," Andrew said. "It has been a traumatic experience, and it needs to have some sort of satisfactory conclusion."
"You're not going to let that go, are you," I muttered. "All right, so maybe you're right. I don't know why, though."
"Rituals and symbols and ceremonies are still very important to us," Andrew explained. "A lot of modern rituals aren't recognised as such by many people, but there are weddings and funerals, and others as well. I can't explain exactly why people need them, but in every society, they do. It's just part of human nature, I think."
"Fair enough," I said.
----
It occurred to me that my original reason for going to see Andrew was no longer valid. I hadn't had a dream since the night of my birthday, two weeks before. And I was more than capable of getting a job on my own. But of course, no sooner had I realised this, than I had another dream.
It wasn't a new one, but of all the dreams to surface again, it was the night Eleri had died. And while I was dreaming, I was right back there again, in Mag's head, oblivious to everything that would come later. Mag lost her mentor again, the grief still fresh. Everything happened exactly the same way it had the first time... Eleri trying to explain some ritual, then telling Mag to follow her heart, if her knowledge fell short.
When I woke up, tears leaking from my eyes once again, I reflected bitterly that the advice hadn't done Mag much good at all. But perhaps it would have been different if Mag had acted more quickly on her misgivings about Ewain, and hadn't been so completely besotted with him.
Was it up to me to atone for that lapse in judgement? Could I get something out of that advice, too? More than Mag had, at least. It felt like an age since I'd been confident in my knowledge about anything. I really did need to get working again; I wanted that certainty, the assurance of science. But I'd settle for certainty about anything.
The next night, I dreamed the same dream. And that day, I got an email, from one drevans39.
'Lisa,
'I'm not sure if I should have kept in touch more and told you what I've been dreaming, I don't know whether you wanted to know what was happening, or ignore it. But since you called, I won't feel too bad about emailing you now. And of course, you don't have to read this if you don't want to.
'The village was abandoned, depopulated and overgrown. Everyone moved away, or got sick and died. People were saying the whole valley was cursed, and I think they were right, more or less. Some even said that they'd been wrong to sacrifice Mag, that her death had been the last straw before the Earth spirits fled entirely. There was nothing to eat, and the stream even dwindled to a muddy trickle because it hadn't rained for months. All those weeds and tall grass dried out and died. The surrounding forest began to dry out too, the leaves turning brown too early.
'And Ewain spent his last days building up a huge stack of dry firewood in the circle. He was raving, sick and fevered, starving, and hallucinating as much as he was dreaming. He was taking those spirit mushrooms every day, still looking for his family in the spirit world, if he couldn't bring them back to the world of the living.
'There was a dry storm one night, and lightning struck in the forest. A tree caught alight, and the fire spread quickly through the forest, then into the valley and the overgrown fields. It burned through the abandoned village, and Ewain thought it was coming for him. That the fire would carry him, at last, to his family. They had burned, and so, too, would he.
'So he covered himself in the last of the oil he'd scavenged from the village, tied himself to the biggest log in the wood pile, and waited. The fire swept up the hill, and it... consumed him. He died there.
'He didn't see his mate and son waiting. All he saw was those twisted spirits coming for him. But right to the end, he believed that he could find his loved ones through them. I don't know if he ever did. He was as broken and twisted as the spirits he'd drawn to that valley.
'So, Ewain's story is over, too. I dreamed that last night, and scared my family half to death. I wouldn't wish that end on my worst enemy. I wouldn't even wish the dreams on them. And now we know where that layer of ash came from. You said it was all over the valley. I'm willing to bet it's inside the circle, too.
'I'm going back there. I need to, but not yet. Believe it or not, I'm actually busy with work at the moment. But I'll let you know.
- Ed.'
I felt enormous sympathy for Ed. At least Mag had already been dying when she'd been thrown onto the fire – Ewain would have spent much longer burning to death. I hoped that the smoke or mushrooms or something had overcome him quickly. It must have been unbelievably horrible. The starkness of Ed's bald statements, describing what must have been a tortuous experience, was as chilling as what he'd said.
I wrote back, although I was at a loss as to what to say.
'Ed,
'I'm sorry, it must have been awful to have to dream that. Thank you for telling me. My counsellor thinks I need closure too, but even knowing how it ended, it doesn't seem enough.
'I hope your family isn't too worried. Our neighbours thought there was a domestic disturbance when I dreamed Mag's death, and the police showed up. I'm sure I'll laugh about it one day.
'This also explains that old map on the wall of the pub, I don' t know if you noticed it. It shows the area around the circle, and it's labelled "Llosgedig mhriddo", which apparently means "burned earth".
'I've begun dreaming again, but it's been the same one, these last two nights. I'm dreaming Eleri's death again. Everything seemed to go wrong after then, I don't know why my brain has started recycling it, but the grief felt fresh again, both nights. I don't know what I'll do if this keeps up.
'All the best,
- Lisa.'
----------------------------------------
"He's started talking about going back to Wales again."
"Let 'im talk, I'm just glad he was able to fix things and go back home. What worried me most was that he didn't even seem to care about his family for a while there."
"You know that wasn't true."
"Yeah, I know, but that was how it looked. And she wasn't gonna wait forever for him to sort himself out."
"I still wouldn't say he's entirely sorted out. Did you hear what happened the other night?"
"I heard he woke the whole bleedin' house up, screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night. Another one of those dreams, I guess."
"He dreamed that he was burning to death. If those dreams are as vivid as he says, I don't blame him for screaming."
"If that guy in his dreams died, maybe it's over now. Maybe things will finally get back to normal."
"As normal as they ever get, I suppose."
-------------------------------------------
Every single night, I dreamed Eleri's death. The exact same dream, every word and movement identical. Every night the grief felt fresh, and every night I woke up with tears on my face. And then I would grit my teeth in frustration. If I thought the dreams were bad before, when they had been moving forward each time to the conclusion, this was much worse. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up every single time, but I did. Glen caught me one night, wiping the tears away on the pillow.
"What's wrong, love?"
"The fucking dreams started again, that's what," I grated, angry at my brain.
"Oh, no... But you said she'd died...?"
"She did. It's gone back to an earlier dream, when Eleri died. The old Ritemaster, Mag's mentor," I added, seeing the blank look on Glen's face. "And it's come back the same, every damn night. It's driving me nuts." I winced at my unintentional reference to insanity. It was something of a touchy subject, still.
"What did your counsellor say about it?"
"Oh, he's probably loving it, finally a proper recurring dream, none of this serial stuff," I said, scowling. "We've gone over it and over it in exhaustive bloody detail. It's the last thing I need, when I'm seeing it all every night as well. I could bloody recite it off by heart now, I think." I wasn't being fair to Andrew, but I was tired and distressed and sick of the whole thing. "He's all gung-ho for me to go back to the site, and get closure. He wanted me to ask you along and everything."
"Do you want to do that?"
"I don't even know. Every time I have this dream now, I feel more and more like I do want to go back. I never used to. It's like Ed said, I don't think this is over yet."
"Has Ed been bothering you again?" Glen was wearing the special scowl he seemed to have reserved for Ed.
I sighed. "Look, I know you don't like me talking about him, but yes, there have been some emails. And not all from him. He's involved, whether we like it or not, and if you don't trust me that there's nothing going on between us, then there's nothing more to say."
Just like that, I'd brought it all out into the open again. I hadn't been expecting this at all. Clearly, neither had Glen. He stared at me for a long time, and I could almost see the internal struggle, see the decision being made.
Finally, he spoke. "I trust you, Lisa. I do. I love you, and I trust you."
I could see that this was a very big deal for him. And justifiably so. I treated the moment with the respect it deserved.
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that," I said, brushing my hand across his face. "I love you too, and I trust you. I know you would never hurt me." We gathered in for a hug. Tears stung my eyes again, but for a different reason this time. "How did I get so lucky?" I whispered into Glen's shoulder.
-----------------------
Disclaimer: All a load of highly impossible bollocks...
end of chapter 35:
--------
"IF there were ever really spirits there, they've gone now."
"I'm not so sure. There's definitely something in the air out there, it's like nowhere else I've been."
I heard muted voices in the background while I was ruminating on that.
"Look, I need to get going. Thank you for calling, Lisa. It's good to talk to someone who doesn't think I'm insane."
"You're welcome, I guess. I hope... well, I hope your dreams stop. Or something."
"Or something," Ed agreed. He hung up.
And as usual, a conversation with Ed had left me with a dozen more things to think about than I'd had before. Typical.
-----------
Chapter 36:
-----------
We're damned after all
Through fortune and flame we fall
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way
To return from the ashes you call...
"I think the only reason you don't want to go back to the circle is that you're afraid that something will happen, like that incident you told me about," Andrew told me in our next session. "And also, you're worried about how Glen will react. It makes sense that you would want to go back there, after all those dreams, and put the memories to rest. To make a conclusion."
"Are you sure you're not Ed in disguise?" I said, peering at Andrew suspiciously. He just smiled.
"I think you should consider going there and making peace with the place, just for your own sake. Leave Ed out of it if you're not comfortable with that. Ask Glen if he'd like to join you."
"Hmm." I made a non-committal noise.
"How's the job searching going?" Andrew asked, changing the subject.
I shrugged. "I've been reading journals again, and had a look at the job market. There's not much that appeals at the moment, to be honest."
"Would it have appealed once?"
"I don't want to change careers," I said. "I can't think of anything else I could do. And I'm too old to start at the bottom of some other line of work, even if I could think of one I wanted to do."
"You're avoiding the issue," Andrew said. "Are you still interested in the sort of jobs you were doing last year?"
I frowned. "Well, yes, I think so. I would like to get back out in the field, and the thought of getting away to another far-flung location does have some appeal."
"Escaping again?"
"Perhaps," I admitted. "But on the other hand, I feel kind of reluctant to leave the country, too."
"Why is that, do you think?"
"I... well, it's almost like I'm worried that something else will happen while I'm away. To do with the dreams and everything." I reddened slightly.
"I think you need to close the book on this chapter of your life before you can fit back into your old pattern. Or make a new pattern, if that's what you want," Andrew said. "It has been a traumatic experience, and it needs to have some sort of satisfactory conclusion."
"You're not going to let that go, are you," I muttered. "All right, so maybe you're right. I don't know why, though."
"Rituals and symbols and ceremonies are still very important to us," Andrew explained. "A lot of modern rituals aren't recognised as such by many people, but there are weddings and funerals, and others as well. I can't explain exactly why people need them, but in every society, they do. It's just part of human nature, I think."
"Fair enough," I said.
----
It occurred to me that my original reason for going to see Andrew was no longer valid. I hadn't had a dream since the night of my birthday, two weeks before. And I was more than capable of getting a job on my own. But of course, no sooner had I realised this, than I had another dream.
It wasn't a new one, but of all the dreams to surface again, it was the night Eleri had died. And while I was dreaming, I was right back there again, in Mag's head, oblivious to everything that would come later. Mag lost her mentor again, the grief still fresh. Everything happened exactly the same way it had the first time... Eleri trying to explain some ritual, then telling Mag to follow her heart, if her knowledge fell short.
When I woke up, tears leaking from my eyes once again, I reflected bitterly that the advice hadn't done Mag much good at all. But perhaps it would have been different if Mag had acted more quickly on her misgivings about Ewain, and hadn't been so completely besotted with him.
Was it up to me to atone for that lapse in judgement? Could I get something out of that advice, too? More than Mag had, at least. It felt like an age since I'd been confident in my knowledge about anything. I really did need to get working again; I wanted that certainty, the assurance of science. But I'd settle for certainty about anything.
The next night, I dreamed the same dream. And that day, I got an email, from one drevans39.
'Lisa,
'I'm not sure if I should have kept in touch more and told you what I've been dreaming, I don't know whether you wanted to know what was happening, or ignore it. But since you called, I won't feel too bad about emailing you now. And of course, you don't have to read this if you don't want to.
'The village was abandoned, depopulated and overgrown. Everyone moved away, or got sick and died. People were saying the whole valley was cursed, and I think they were right, more or less. Some even said that they'd been wrong to sacrifice Mag, that her death had been the last straw before the Earth spirits fled entirely. There was nothing to eat, and the stream even dwindled to a muddy trickle because it hadn't rained for months. All those weeds and tall grass dried out and died. The surrounding forest began to dry out too, the leaves turning brown too early.
'And Ewain spent his last days building up a huge stack of dry firewood in the circle. He was raving, sick and fevered, starving, and hallucinating as much as he was dreaming. He was taking those spirit mushrooms every day, still looking for his family in the spirit world, if he couldn't bring them back to the world of the living.
'There was a dry storm one night, and lightning struck in the forest. A tree caught alight, and the fire spread quickly through the forest, then into the valley and the overgrown fields. It burned through the abandoned village, and Ewain thought it was coming for him. That the fire would carry him, at last, to his family. They had burned, and so, too, would he.
'So he covered himself in the last of the oil he'd scavenged from the village, tied himself to the biggest log in the wood pile, and waited. The fire swept up the hill, and it... consumed him. He died there.
'He didn't see his mate and son waiting. All he saw was those twisted spirits coming for him. But right to the end, he believed that he could find his loved ones through them. I don't know if he ever did. He was as broken and twisted as the spirits he'd drawn to that valley.
'So, Ewain's story is over, too. I dreamed that last night, and scared my family half to death. I wouldn't wish that end on my worst enemy. I wouldn't even wish the dreams on them. And now we know where that layer of ash came from. You said it was all over the valley. I'm willing to bet it's inside the circle, too.
'I'm going back there. I need to, but not yet. Believe it or not, I'm actually busy with work at the moment. But I'll let you know.
- Ed.'
I felt enormous sympathy for Ed. At least Mag had already been dying when she'd been thrown onto the fire – Ewain would have spent much longer burning to death. I hoped that the smoke or mushrooms or something had overcome him quickly. It must have been unbelievably horrible. The starkness of Ed's bald statements, describing what must have been a tortuous experience, was as chilling as what he'd said.
I wrote back, although I was at a loss as to what to say.
'Ed,
'I'm sorry, it must have been awful to have to dream that. Thank you for telling me. My counsellor thinks I need closure too, but even knowing how it ended, it doesn't seem enough.
'I hope your family isn't too worried. Our neighbours thought there was a domestic disturbance when I dreamed Mag's death, and the police showed up. I'm sure I'll laugh about it one day.
'This also explains that old map on the wall of the pub, I don' t know if you noticed it. It shows the area around the circle, and it's labelled "Llosgedig mhriddo", which apparently means "burned earth".
'I've begun dreaming again, but it's been the same one, these last two nights. I'm dreaming Eleri's death again. Everything seemed to go wrong after then, I don't know why my brain has started recycling it, but the grief felt fresh again, both nights. I don't know what I'll do if this keeps up.
'All the best,
- Lisa.'
----------------------------------------
"He's started talking about going back to Wales again."
"Let 'im talk, I'm just glad he was able to fix things and go back home. What worried me most was that he didn't even seem to care about his family for a while there."
"You know that wasn't true."
"Yeah, I know, but that was how it looked. And she wasn't gonna wait forever for him to sort himself out."
"I still wouldn't say he's entirely sorted out. Did you hear what happened the other night?"
"I heard he woke the whole bleedin' house up, screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night. Another one of those dreams, I guess."
"He dreamed that he was burning to death. If those dreams are as vivid as he says, I don't blame him for screaming."
"If that guy in his dreams died, maybe it's over now. Maybe things will finally get back to normal."
"As normal as they ever get, I suppose."
-------------------------------------------
Every single night, I dreamed Eleri's death. The exact same dream, every word and movement identical. Every night the grief felt fresh, and every night I woke up with tears on my face. And then I would grit my teeth in frustration. If I thought the dreams were bad before, when they had been moving forward each time to the conclusion, this was much worse. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up every single time, but I did. Glen caught me one night, wiping the tears away on the pillow.
"What's wrong, love?"
"The fucking dreams started again, that's what," I grated, angry at my brain.
"Oh, no... But you said she'd died...?"
"She did. It's gone back to an earlier dream, when Eleri died. The old Ritemaster, Mag's mentor," I added, seeing the blank look on Glen's face. "And it's come back the same, every damn night. It's driving me nuts." I winced at my unintentional reference to insanity. It was something of a touchy subject, still.
"What did your counsellor say about it?"
"Oh, he's probably loving it, finally a proper recurring dream, none of this serial stuff," I said, scowling. "We've gone over it and over it in exhaustive bloody detail. It's the last thing I need, when I'm seeing it all every night as well. I could bloody recite it off by heart now, I think." I wasn't being fair to Andrew, but I was tired and distressed and sick of the whole thing. "He's all gung-ho for me to go back to the site, and get closure. He wanted me to ask you along and everything."
"Do you want to do that?"
"I don't even know. Every time I have this dream now, I feel more and more like I do want to go back. I never used to. It's like Ed said, I don't think this is over yet."
"Has Ed been bothering you again?" Glen was wearing the special scowl he seemed to have reserved for Ed.
I sighed. "Look, I know you don't like me talking about him, but yes, there have been some emails. And not all from him. He's involved, whether we like it or not, and if you don't trust me that there's nothing going on between us, then there's nothing more to say."
Just like that, I'd brought it all out into the open again. I hadn't been expecting this at all. Clearly, neither had Glen. He stared at me for a long time, and I could almost see the internal struggle, see the decision being made.
Finally, he spoke. "I trust you, Lisa. I do. I love you, and I trust you."
I could see that this was a very big deal for him. And justifiably so. I treated the moment with the respect it deserved.
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that," I said, brushing my hand across his face. "I love you too, and I trust you. I know you would never hurt me." We gathered in for a hug. Tears stung my eyes again, but for a different reason this time. "How did I get so lucky?" I whispered into Glen's shoulder.
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it's the only wayt o end this!
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