biff
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
An amusing article from the Chicago Sun Times:
The name is Bond, er, Bono -- just Bono
March 4, 2006
BY LAWRENCE SHULRUFF
Millions of people face a life-threatening virus spread by sick chickens. Cells of terrorists operate clandestinely in major European and American cities wreaking havoc. A renegade North Korean dictator dares to snub the international community in an effort to build nuclear weapons. What's a planet to do?
Call Bond. James Bond.
Whether you prefer your martinis shaken or stirred, your women blond, brunette or red-headed, there is little disagreement that Ian Fleming's fictitious supersleuth is the one to call to battle pandemics, pandemonium and Pyongyang.
So when news spread that the producers of the next James Bond film selected British actor Daniel Craig to play the role, Bond fans across the globe were in what might be described as a state of electromagnetic shock. (See the film ''Golden Eye'' for more details.)
To be fair to the new Bond, he has an awfully big trench coat to fill. Pierce Brosnan, the hirsute hunk who played James Bond for a decade, is handsome, charming, debonair and looks great in a tux. So what were the results of a search that took two years and spanned the globe? A new Bond who is scrawny, with no body hair, and who looks better suited to fill the much coveted Freddy Krueger role from the ''Nightmare on Elm Street'' series than 007. And what's worse, the new Bond is blond! What happened -- Jackie Mason wasn't available?
In the four months since it was announced that Bond is being replaced by the unknown thespian, the uproar has not calmed. Last week, a group of devoted fans started a Web site, craignotbond .com, calling on Bond fans worldwide to boycott the next movie, ''Casino Royale.'' The site cites numerous polls showing fans' overwhelming disapproval of Craig.
The producers selected Craig because of apparent worries that the Bond character has become an anachronism, a Cold War relic who no longer connects to younger audiences. To attract a new generation of Bond fans, the producers decided that 007 had to be ''reinvented.''
True, the old Bond (see Donald Rumsfeld's dossier) was a relic. A womanizing dinosaur, as described by M. A Cold War paramour who could take on the world's most vicious villains without wrinkling his trousers. Every woman's fantasy. Every man's role model. At least if you were born during the Eisenhower administration. So perhaps it is time to modernize the role.
It's not too late. Call in rewrite. Stop the shooting. Bring in the replacement. And I have just the character: Bono.
He has all the basics: Handsome (the shaggy look can be fixed with a haircut). Charm. And a British accent. (OK, it's Irish. Sean Connery is Scottish, and he was the best Bond ever.) And he's a brunet. Heck, if he's considered for a Nobel Prize, he ought to be eligible for a movie role.
Sure, replacing a Double-0 agent with a U2 singer would take some getting used to. Tuxedos out, black leather in. Martinis replaced by pints of Guinness. Loud guitars supplanting Q's amazing gadgetry. But the world's problems have changed, and so too must Commander Bond go the way of the exploding cigar.
What we may be losing in style, we are gaining in access. While 007's good looks and devilish wiles could open the doors to the bedrooms of the world's most glamorous women, Bono has contacts at the White House, Congress, Parliament, the U.N., the IMF and the World Bank. The G-8 leaders are waiting in line to meet him and government heads from across the globe want to be photographed with him. While Bond was able to save the gold reserves at Fort Knox from the diabolical Goldfinger, Bono would be able to save the financial markets by restructuring Third World debt. While he may not have the training of an MI6 agent, Bono can disarm rogue states with nothing more than an autograph. And let's not forget those cool glasses he wears!
I suspect that the Bond congnoscenti may be leery of Bono as the replacement, and drastic changes would be required to update the role. The Bond girls (remember Ursula Andress as Honey Rider in ''Dr. No,'' or the irresistible Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole from ''Diamonds Are Forever'') would have to be replaced by current female role models such as Madeleine Albright and Condi Rice. The famed salutation would have to be changed (''Bono, just Bono''). And the darling role of Miss Moneypenny would have to be filled by that scruffy character called The Edge.
These revisions are balanced by the musical number that will be showcased. For all of his talents, Bond was not a singer.
Who knows? They could make a movie about sinister street urchins in Asia selling bootlegged copies of popular CDs. Instead of a drawn-out martial arts fight, Bono could pressure them to lawfully download the hot new music through iTunes. The title of this flick: ''A License to Shill.''
Lawrence Shulruff is a Chicago lawyer and writer.
The name is Bond, er, Bono -- just Bono
March 4, 2006
BY LAWRENCE SHULRUFF
Millions of people face a life-threatening virus spread by sick chickens. Cells of terrorists operate clandestinely in major European and American cities wreaking havoc. A renegade North Korean dictator dares to snub the international community in an effort to build nuclear weapons. What's a planet to do?
Call Bond. James Bond.
Whether you prefer your martinis shaken or stirred, your women blond, brunette or red-headed, there is little disagreement that Ian Fleming's fictitious supersleuth is the one to call to battle pandemics, pandemonium and Pyongyang.
So when news spread that the producers of the next James Bond film selected British actor Daniel Craig to play the role, Bond fans across the globe were in what might be described as a state of electromagnetic shock. (See the film ''Golden Eye'' for more details.)
To be fair to the new Bond, he has an awfully big trench coat to fill. Pierce Brosnan, the hirsute hunk who played James Bond for a decade, is handsome, charming, debonair and looks great in a tux. So what were the results of a search that took two years and spanned the globe? A new Bond who is scrawny, with no body hair, and who looks better suited to fill the much coveted Freddy Krueger role from the ''Nightmare on Elm Street'' series than 007. And what's worse, the new Bond is blond! What happened -- Jackie Mason wasn't available?
In the four months since it was announced that Bond is being replaced by the unknown thespian, the uproar has not calmed. Last week, a group of devoted fans started a Web site, craignotbond .com, calling on Bond fans worldwide to boycott the next movie, ''Casino Royale.'' The site cites numerous polls showing fans' overwhelming disapproval of Craig.
The producers selected Craig because of apparent worries that the Bond character has become an anachronism, a Cold War relic who no longer connects to younger audiences. To attract a new generation of Bond fans, the producers decided that 007 had to be ''reinvented.''
True, the old Bond (see Donald Rumsfeld's dossier) was a relic. A womanizing dinosaur, as described by M. A Cold War paramour who could take on the world's most vicious villains without wrinkling his trousers. Every woman's fantasy. Every man's role model. At least if you were born during the Eisenhower administration. So perhaps it is time to modernize the role.
It's not too late. Call in rewrite. Stop the shooting. Bring in the replacement. And I have just the character: Bono.
He has all the basics: Handsome (the shaggy look can be fixed with a haircut). Charm. And a British accent. (OK, it's Irish. Sean Connery is Scottish, and he was the best Bond ever.) And he's a brunet. Heck, if he's considered for a Nobel Prize, he ought to be eligible for a movie role.
Sure, replacing a Double-0 agent with a U2 singer would take some getting used to. Tuxedos out, black leather in. Martinis replaced by pints of Guinness. Loud guitars supplanting Q's amazing gadgetry. But the world's problems have changed, and so too must Commander Bond go the way of the exploding cigar.
What we may be losing in style, we are gaining in access. While 007's good looks and devilish wiles could open the doors to the bedrooms of the world's most glamorous women, Bono has contacts at the White House, Congress, Parliament, the U.N., the IMF and the World Bank. The G-8 leaders are waiting in line to meet him and government heads from across the globe want to be photographed with him. While Bond was able to save the gold reserves at Fort Knox from the diabolical Goldfinger, Bono would be able to save the financial markets by restructuring Third World debt. While he may not have the training of an MI6 agent, Bono can disarm rogue states with nothing more than an autograph. And let's not forget those cool glasses he wears!
I suspect that the Bond congnoscenti may be leery of Bono as the replacement, and drastic changes would be required to update the role. The Bond girls (remember Ursula Andress as Honey Rider in ''Dr. No,'' or the irresistible Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole from ''Diamonds Are Forever'') would have to be replaced by current female role models such as Madeleine Albright and Condi Rice. The famed salutation would have to be changed (''Bono, just Bono''). And the darling role of Miss Moneypenny would have to be filled by that scruffy character called The Edge.
These revisions are balanced by the musical number that will be showcased. For all of his talents, Bond was not a singer.
Who knows? They could make a movie about sinister street urchins in Asia selling bootlegged copies of popular CDs. Instead of a drawn-out martial arts fight, Bono could pressure them to lawfully download the hot new music through iTunes. The title of this flick: ''A License to Shill.''
Lawrence Shulruff is a Chicago lawyer and writer.
