n all her previous jobs, the one thing Gemma had valued most, had been able to have that emotional distance with her employers, and not getting too personally involved, even whilst she was living amongst them, and looking after their children.
But that had been impossible with Jake. It had been one of the reasons she had been uneasy about the whole situation in the first place. The more she tried to keep that distance, the more he had been determined to eradicate it. Having her with him on the last week of his tour, it seemed he had succeeded, Gemma realised with slight dismay.
After the incident in the plane, she knew she had crossed the line, and whilst it bothered her, Jake seemed to think it was the best thing that could have happened. Gemma wasn’t sure how she was going to get through the next few days in his company. After the Gig in Dublin, they still had to do Belfast, and then back across to England, for the last two shows in London.
But she wasn’t even thinking about the tour or the concerts or their surroundings any more, just about what he had admitted about his relationship with Caroline, and some awful secret about them, that he was going to tell her, when the time was right.
She was trying hard not to be preoccupied by what it could be, or when he was going to tell her, then almost despising herself, for even caring so much.
Thinking back over the whole incident, and how it had started, she was still a little baffled how they had ended up talking about her personal life in the first place. But then it finally dawned on her, that it had to do with Tom.
Surely it couldn’t be a coincidence, that after she had informed Tom, she had no interest in getting involved with him romantically, then the next thing, Jake was asking her about her love life? He must have got wind of what had been going on between her and Tom. It made her realise she had made the right decision were Tom was concerned. Part of her had hoped she had nipped it in the bud, before Jake found out about the whole thing, but now she knew that was not the case.
She lay tossing and turning in her bed that night, still wondering how she had managed to get herself so emotionally tangled up again with Jake, when it had been the very thing she had been trying to avoid.
Then realised it had all started when she had become carried away with being his VIP guest, and all the attention he had been paying her lately, making her let down her guard.
And as much as she chided herself for her foolishness, she realised whether she liked it or not, there was no going back to even attempting to a professional distance between them now. So, she wasn’t sure how the next few months would play out until her time as Ellie’s Nanny, finally came to an end
Jake had no intentions of keeping Gemma in the dark for long, now he had more or less admitted to her that all had not been right with Caroline and their whole relationship. He wanted to get it out of his system. It was a secret he had kept too long to himself. Caroline was no longer around to be hurt, or scared, about other people knowing, so he felt it was the right time.
But most of all what he wanted out of this, was for Gemma to understand the crazy situation he had been left in back then, and how it has messed his head up so much, that it had been partly responsible for why he ended up neglecting his relationship with her, over the following years.
Lately, he had been tormenting himself with the ‘what if’s?’ and the regrets.
If he had never met Caroline and got involved with her? If he had trusted in his heart and himself and his feelings for Gemma, that he could have made her happy, instead of running away from that possibility, then things might have been so different for both of them. He just hoped it wasn’t too late to repair the damage, and that he could get Gemma to trust not only him, but her heart again, but he reckoned that was going to be the hardest part of all.
The opportunity presented itself the following afternoon. Ever since Gemma and Ellie had joined them, Jake had made a point of spending time alone with Ellie in the early afternoons for a few hours, before he went off to rehearsals, so when Gemma brought her to his hotel room, there was no one else with him.
Gemma and Jake had not really talked again, since the time on the plane the day before, there was always so much to do, and so much going on, it was easy to avoid each other if they chose.
Gemma decided that sticking to the topic of Ellie, was the way to go, so when she entered Jake’s room with his daughter in her arms, she had fixed a smile on her face, “Here is your precious princess, though she might be a bit grouchy today, poor lamb is starting to get those back teeth cutting through, and it has her all out of sorts” she explained as she handed Ellie into Jake’s arms
“I will leave you some teething gel and some toys she can chew on, she might doze over for you, because she was up for a while, through the night with it” she then added.
“Thanks,” Jake replied kissing his daughters head, and noticing how red her little cheeks were, “poor baby” he murmured, “What’s daddy going to do with you today, to take your mind of those nasty teeth cutting through” he pondered.
Ellie, was more interested in wanting down on the floor to explore. So, Jake put her down.
“Well, I will leave you to get on with it” Gemma replied, turning to leave.
“You don’t have to go Gem,” he replied, “Can we talk?”
Gemma stopped, hesitating at first, whilst not turning around immediately to face him. Because this was what she was hoping he wouldn’t do.
But finally, she did turn to look him in the eye, her own expression frank, “Look Jake, if this is about yesterday, what you said about telling me about Caroline, you don’t have to explain yourself to me, or tell me anything,”
“That’s where you are wrong” Jake argued his tone urgent, “And I do need to tell you Gemma, please I need you to hear me out” his blue eyes pleaded with her.
“Why?” she queried, not sure what good it would do
“Sit down and just listen, then you will know why,” Jake insisted
Gemma sighed, and even though she was not comfortable with the situation, she went over and sat in the chair just facing where Jake was standing, Ellie immediately crawled over to her, wanting up on her knee. She happily picked her up just for the distraction
Jake smiled, at the little scene, “She loves you,” he remarked, “and who could blame her”
“Jake-” Gemma started warningly
“-She will never have the chance to get to know her mother Gem, for now, so you are all she has,” he interrupted her, then he sat down on the bed, frowning at the floor in front of him, “Poor Caroline she never stood a chance”
“What happened to her Jake?” Gemma found herself asking, sensing there was more to Caroline’s drug problem going on, from the vibes she had been getting from him lately, now at last her curiosity and concern got the better of her.
“It was her parents; actually her father, that’s what happened to her” Jake replied grimly, glancing up at Gemma
Gemma was still a little bewildered, she was aware that Caroline had a rough relationship with her parents, running away, and even stealing from them at one stage.
And so, Jake started to pour out the sorry tale of how he had learned from Caroline about her terrible secret of sexual abuse brought about by her father, that had tormented her and haunted her, and made her the way she was.
As she listened, Gemma found herself holding Ellie tighter in her arms, as if trying to protect the little girl from the awful things she was hearing about Caroline and what her parents had done to her, it made her feel ill.
In one way it was hard to believe and take in. Afterall, parents were supposed to protect their children and look out for them, not inflict such mental anguish on them. Yet now it all made sense, when she thought back to Caroline’s behaviour. Gemma was starting to understand a little why Jake felt the need to stand by Caroline, and defend her behaviour to everyone else around him.
What else could he do in such a desperate situation?
“I tried to help her,” Jake now said, his voice strained with emotion, as he stared up from fidgeting hands to look Gemma in the eye, his expression bleak, “But nothing I said, or did, really made a difference in the end. She walked out on me, because she knew she was dragging me down, and in the end, that I was staying with her out of pity, carrying her dark secret with her.”
He now shook his head as if to stave of the bad memories, before he continued, “Everyone thought the worst of her. But even in the end, she was brave enough to face up to the fact it was over between us, and it was no good destroying my life along with hers, so, she left me, just disappeared one day, leaving me a note telling me not to try and find her. It was the most unselfish thing she had done in her life”. His voice broke a little. and he sniffed trying to pull himself back together straightening up his back.
“She obviously found out she was pregnant after she left me. But she didn’t want to tell me, because she knew I would insist we that we stay together for the baby’s sake, and she wasn’t having it, she was trying to prove she could go it alone” he then explained, “Apparently, she managed to get off the drugs, and was doing well during the pregnancy, from what I was told. But then when Ellie was born, the past caught up with her again. Her friend, who was helping her at the time, told me, that Caroline started getting paranoid about trying to keep Ellie safe from burning in hell” Jake frowned, pausing, as he imagined what had been going through Caroline’s mind at the time. “So, I guess post-natal depression, brought on her worst nightmare, thinking her father would come and find her and Ellie, spiralling her back onto the drugs again, and that’s how she met her end” he finished sadly
“Poor Caroline, Oh Jake, I am so sorry!” Gemma was close to tears herself now, “I never realised, how bad it's been for yo,u” she added, now getting up to come over to sit on the bed with him.
Ellie immediately wanted free now to crawl around the bed, obvilous to the emotional trauma of the grown-ups around her.
“How could you?” Jake replied “I didn’t want to tell you when you just came back into my life, and dump all this on you right away, it wouldn’t have been fair, you can see that, can’t you?” he asked earnestly
Gemma grasped his hand, “You told me when you felt ready to tell me, that’s all that matters. Does anyone else know?” she then queried, whilst keeping an eye on Ellie to make sure she didn’t fall off the bed.
Jake shook his head, “No, you are the first person I told, and you don’t know what a relief it is to talk to someone about it. I have kept it all to myself up to now, not saying anything to anyone. I don’t want it getting out in the papers and media” he explained
“Understandable,” Gemma nodded
“And I wanted you to know more than anyone Gemma, because I feel bad about losing contact with you for all those years. But to be honest, it was probably a good thing you were not around at the time, and caught in all the crap that went on” he then admitted, “But it’s helped me to appreciate our friendship more now, its help me to appreciate you more” he finished meaningfully his blue eyes meeting her hazel eyes and his hand now squeezing hers
Gemma now found herself uncertain how to reply. She not sure exactly what he meant, and not daring to think he meant he was talking about more than just appreciating her as a friend. She was all ready for showing sympathy and support over what happened with Caroline, but now Jake was implying that might not be all he wanted.
This was all too much for her in one afternoon, her own emotions were all over the place.
She was glad to be momentarily distracted by Ellie, who had crawled over to the edge of the bed, Gemma quickly got up to swoop her into the safety of her arms. “Hey you, you are going to end up head first on the floor young lady” she gently chastised
Ellie just gave a gurgling chuckle, and Gemma forced herself to turn to face Jake again, fixing her smile back on, “look Jake, thank you for confiding in me about Caroline, it’s put a lot of things into perspective for me now, and some things are starting to make sense at last thank goodness. But what you need to do now, is focus on Ellie here. If something good has come out of it all, it's her, you realise that?”
“Yeah,” Jake replied, “I am starting to realise that very much” he assured her. But getting the sense of Gemma was dodging the real issue about them, much to his frustration.
“Good,” Gemma replied, handing his daughter into his arms again, “So you have your special time with her while you can, and make the most of it, so I think it's better if I just go now and let you get on with it.”
He realised she was giving him the gentlest brush off she could, under the circumstances.
He didn’t try to stop her leaving this time, gathering astutely she needed to process
everything, and wanted to be on her own. He would give her that at least.
He was willing to wait for her to try and figure it out, and he hoped she realised how sincere he was.
Time would tell what would happen next.
But that had been impossible with Jake. It had been one of the reasons she had been uneasy about the whole situation in the first place. The more she tried to keep that distance, the more he had been determined to eradicate it. Having her with him on the last week of his tour, it seemed he had succeeded, Gemma realised with slight dismay.
After the incident in the plane, she knew she had crossed the line, and whilst it bothered her, Jake seemed to think it was the best thing that could have happened. Gemma wasn’t sure how she was going to get through the next few days in his company. After the Gig in Dublin, they still had to do Belfast, and then back across to England, for the last two shows in London.
But she wasn’t even thinking about the tour or the concerts or their surroundings any more, just about what he had admitted about his relationship with Caroline, and some awful secret about them, that he was going to tell her, when the time was right.
She was trying hard not to be preoccupied by what it could be, or when he was going to tell her, then almost despising herself, for even caring so much.
Thinking back over the whole incident, and how it had started, she was still a little baffled how they had ended up talking about her personal life in the first place. But then it finally dawned on her, that it had to do with Tom.
Surely it couldn’t be a coincidence, that after she had informed Tom, she had no interest in getting involved with him romantically, then the next thing, Jake was asking her about her love life? He must have got wind of what had been going on between her and Tom. It made her realise she had made the right decision were Tom was concerned. Part of her had hoped she had nipped it in the bud, before Jake found out about the whole thing, but now she knew that was not the case.
She lay tossing and turning in her bed that night, still wondering how she had managed to get herself so emotionally tangled up again with Jake, when it had been the very thing she had been trying to avoid.
Then realised it had all started when she had become carried away with being his VIP guest, and all the attention he had been paying her lately, making her let down her guard.
And as much as she chided herself for her foolishness, she realised whether she liked it or not, there was no going back to even attempting to a professional distance between them now. So, she wasn’t sure how the next few months would play out until her time as Ellie’s Nanny, finally came to an end
Jake had no intentions of keeping Gemma in the dark for long, now he had more or less admitted to her that all had not been right with Caroline and their whole relationship. He wanted to get it out of his system. It was a secret he had kept too long to himself. Caroline was no longer around to be hurt, or scared, about other people knowing, so he felt it was the right time.
But most of all what he wanted out of this, was for Gemma to understand the crazy situation he had been left in back then, and how it has messed his head up so much, that it had been partly responsible for why he ended up neglecting his relationship with her, over the following years.
Lately, he had been tormenting himself with the ‘what if’s?’ and the regrets.
If he had never met Caroline and got involved with her? If he had trusted in his heart and himself and his feelings for Gemma, that he could have made her happy, instead of running away from that possibility, then things might have been so different for both of them. He just hoped it wasn’t too late to repair the damage, and that he could get Gemma to trust not only him, but her heart again, but he reckoned that was going to be the hardest part of all.
The opportunity presented itself the following afternoon. Ever since Gemma and Ellie had joined them, Jake had made a point of spending time alone with Ellie in the early afternoons for a few hours, before he went off to rehearsals, so when Gemma brought her to his hotel room, there was no one else with him.
Gemma and Jake had not really talked again, since the time on the plane the day before, there was always so much to do, and so much going on, it was easy to avoid each other if they chose.
Gemma decided that sticking to the topic of Ellie, was the way to go, so when she entered Jake’s room with his daughter in her arms, she had fixed a smile on her face, “Here is your precious princess, though she might be a bit grouchy today, poor lamb is starting to get those back teeth cutting through, and it has her all out of sorts” she explained as she handed Ellie into Jake’s arms
“I will leave you some teething gel and some toys she can chew on, she might doze over for you, because she was up for a while, through the night with it” she then added.
“Thanks,” Jake replied kissing his daughters head, and noticing how red her little cheeks were, “poor baby” he murmured, “What’s daddy going to do with you today, to take your mind of those nasty teeth cutting through” he pondered.
Ellie, was more interested in wanting down on the floor to explore. So, Jake put her down.
“Well, I will leave you to get on with it” Gemma replied, turning to leave.
“You don’t have to go Gem,” he replied, “Can we talk?”
Gemma stopped, hesitating at first, whilst not turning around immediately to face him. Because this was what she was hoping he wouldn’t do.
But finally, she did turn to look him in the eye, her own expression frank, “Look Jake, if this is about yesterday, what you said about telling me about Caroline, you don’t have to explain yourself to me, or tell me anything,”
“That’s where you are wrong” Jake argued his tone urgent, “And I do need to tell you Gemma, please I need you to hear me out” his blue eyes pleaded with her.
“Why?” she queried, not sure what good it would do
“Sit down and just listen, then you will know why,” Jake insisted
Gemma sighed, and even though she was not comfortable with the situation, she went over and sat in the chair just facing where Jake was standing, Ellie immediately crawled over to her, wanting up on her knee. She happily picked her up just for the distraction
Jake smiled, at the little scene, “She loves you,” he remarked, “and who could blame her”
“Jake-” Gemma started warningly
“-She will never have the chance to get to know her mother Gem, for now, so you are all she has,” he interrupted her, then he sat down on the bed, frowning at the floor in front of him, “Poor Caroline she never stood a chance”
“What happened to her Jake?” Gemma found herself asking, sensing there was more to Caroline’s drug problem going on, from the vibes she had been getting from him lately, now at last her curiosity and concern got the better of her.
“It was her parents; actually her father, that’s what happened to her” Jake replied grimly, glancing up at Gemma
Gemma was still a little bewildered, she was aware that Caroline had a rough relationship with her parents, running away, and even stealing from them at one stage.
And so, Jake started to pour out the sorry tale of how he had learned from Caroline about her terrible secret of sexual abuse brought about by her father, that had tormented her and haunted her, and made her the way she was.
As she listened, Gemma found herself holding Ellie tighter in her arms, as if trying to protect the little girl from the awful things she was hearing about Caroline and what her parents had done to her, it made her feel ill.
In one way it was hard to believe and take in. Afterall, parents were supposed to protect their children and look out for them, not inflict such mental anguish on them. Yet now it all made sense, when she thought back to Caroline’s behaviour. Gemma was starting to understand a little why Jake felt the need to stand by Caroline, and defend her behaviour to everyone else around him.
What else could he do in such a desperate situation?
“I tried to help her,” Jake now said, his voice strained with emotion, as he stared up from fidgeting hands to look Gemma in the eye, his expression bleak, “But nothing I said, or did, really made a difference in the end. She walked out on me, because she knew she was dragging me down, and in the end, that I was staying with her out of pity, carrying her dark secret with her.”
He now shook his head as if to stave of the bad memories, before he continued, “Everyone thought the worst of her. But even in the end, she was brave enough to face up to the fact it was over between us, and it was no good destroying my life along with hers, so, she left me, just disappeared one day, leaving me a note telling me not to try and find her. It was the most unselfish thing she had done in her life”. His voice broke a little. and he sniffed trying to pull himself back together straightening up his back.
“She obviously found out she was pregnant after she left me. But she didn’t want to tell me, because she knew I would insist we that we stay together for the baby’s sake, and she wasn’t having it, she was trying to prove she could go it alone” he then explained, “Apparently, she managed to get off the drugs, and was doing well during the pregnancy, from what I was told. But then when Ellie was born, the past caught up with her again. Her friend, who was helping her at the time, told me, that Caroline started getting paranoid about trying to keep Ellie safe from burning in hell” Jake frowned, pausing, as he imagined what had been going through Caroline’s mind at the time. “So, I guess post-natal depression, brought on her worst nightmare, thinking her father would come and find her and Ellie, spiralling her back onto the drugs again, and that’s how she met her end” he finished sadly
“Poor Caroline, Oh Jake, I am so sorry!” Gemma was close to tears herself now, “I never realised, how bad it's been for yo,u” she added, now getting up to come over to sit on the bed with him.
Ellie immediately wanted free now to crawl around the bed, obvilous to the emotional trauma of the grown-ups around her.
“How could you?” Jake replied “I didn’t want to tell you when you just came back into my life, and dump all this on you right away, it wouldn’t have been fair, you can see that, can’t you?” he asked earnestly
Gemma grasped his hand, “You told me when you felt ready to tell me, that’s all that matters. Does anyone else know?” she then queried, whilst keeping an eye on Ellie to make sure she didn’t fall off the bed.
Jake shook his head, “No, you are the first person I told, and you don’t know what a relief it is to talk to someone about it. I have kept it all to myself up to now, not saying anything to anyone. I don’t want it getting out in the papers and media” he explained
“Understandable,” Gemma nodded
“And I wanted you to know more than anyone Gemma, because I feel bad about losing contact with you for all those years. But to be honest, it was probably a good thing you were not around at the time, and caught in all the crap that went on” he then admitted, “But it’s helped me to appreciate our friendship more now, its help me to appreciate you more” he finished meaningfully his blue eyes meeting her hazel eyes and his hand now squeezing hers
Gemma now found herself uncertain how to reply. She not sure exactly what he meant, and not daring to think he meant he was talking about more than just appreciating her as a friend. She was all ready for showing sympathy and support over what happened with Caroline, but now Jake was implying that might not be all he wanted.
This was all too much for her in one afternoon, her own emotions were all over the place.
She was glad to be momentarily distracted by Ellie, who had crawled over to the edge of the bed, Gemma quickly got up to swoop her into the safety of her arms. “Hey you, you are going to end up head first on the floor young lady” she gently chastised
Ellie just gave a gurgling chuckle, and Gemma forced herself to turn to face Jake again, fixing her smile back on, “look Jake, thank you for confiding in me about Caroline, it’s put a lot of things into perspective for me now, and some things are starting to make sense at last thank goodness. But what you need to do now, is focus on Ellie here. If something good has come out of it all, it's her, you realise that?”
“Yeah,” Jake replied, “I am starting to realise that very much” he assured her. But getting the sense of Gemma was dodging the real issue about them, much to his frustration.
“Good,” Gemma replied, handing his daughter into his arms again, “So you have your special time with her while you can, and make the most of it, so I think it's better if I just go now and let you get on with it.”
He realised she was giving him the gentlest brush off she could, under the circumstances.
He didn’t try to stop her leaving this time, gathering astutely she needed to process
everything, and wanted to be on her own. He would give her that at least.
He was willing to wait for her to try and figure it out, and he hoped she realised how sincere he was.
Time would tell what would happen next.
