secretly alone
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
Think this chapter is a bit shorter...but still just as FICTIONAL 
It was a short ride, and the bus was crowded so we had to stand. I think he apologized at least five times. "Bono, I live in New York City. I've stood up on a packed subway for half an hour with some of the the smelliest and scariest people in the world. There are usually hobos talking to themselves and swearing at people. This is really, really no big deal." He tipped his head back and laughed loudly, making my heart sing.
His house looked cozy, and seemed like a place where he would live. I was happy to drop my stupid backpack by the front door...I was sure I looked like an idiot carrying the damn thing around all day. He took his shoes off, so I did too. He was wearing grey socks, and was even shorter without his shoes. I plopped down on the couch, still amazed at how unnaturally comfortable I felt. He smiled. "Want some ice cream Lilly?" The last word caught me by surprise. No one had ever called me 'Lilly' before in my life. I liked it, and the sound of him saying it nearly melted my heart. I sighed. "No one's ever called me that...I like it. And yes, I'll have some ice cream." He scampered off the to kitchen and I looked around the room. It smelled like a cinnamon candle, and had a very 60s-ish look about it. The only thing that looked fairly new was the TV. I didn't see any family pictures, other than one small one on the table next to the couch of two boys with their arms around eachother, Bono and his brother I assumed. He came back with a carton of ice cream and two spoons and sat down right next to me, and I had to laugh. He handed me a spoon. "All the bowls are dirty! You'll have to risk catching me cooties." There was that 'me' again that he used every now and then.
We took turns dipping spoons into the carton and talked about A to Z. I had only heard him speak a few times on some tapes of interviews that Jack had given me. He always struck me as having a very soft and refined way of speaking, and of course with quite an accent. But talking to him now was completely different. He was very jovial and his accent seemed thicker, and sprinkled with some bizarre slang words that I had to ask him to define.
While we were talking and practically snuggling, I realized something else unusual. His need for personal space was clearly much less than mine. He was leaning right on me and his face only a few inches from mine. Normally when talking to someone I needed to keep a decent distance. If they took a step towards me, I would instinctively take a step back. I usually didn't like people being 'all over' me. And yet now I only noticed how close he was when he turned his head to sneeze. Even stranger, I liked the closeness.
It was obvious that I was ridiculously attracted to him. Obvious to me, anyway...I hoped it wasn't that obvious to him, because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I noticed all kinds of little details as we talked. He talked a LOT. Anyone who ever said that boys don't like to talk a lot would be proved wrong by him. I discreetly examined the countours of his body. He had a slight, boyish build, but strong looking as well. The black turtleneck he was wearing was very flattering. He had a habit of sticking out his tongue and licking his lips quite often when he was talking, and I wondered if it was a nervous habit. His teeth were slightly crooked in spots, and there was something vaguely chipmunkish about the front ones. The imperfections were so charming. I began to realize that everything about him seemed adorable to me, and suddenly I was bombarded with a whole slew of urges that I had to work to resist. He was so hard to read that I didn't know what I could do, or what would make him uncomfortable. He did seem to be flirting with me, but coming from a different culture I could easily have been misinterpreting what he saw as simple friendly gestures. I was very tired, and I deemed it acceptable to rest my head on his shoulder. Almost immediately, he leaned his head on mine. Ok, so I hadn't crossed the line. Bravely, I laid my hand on his chest. He sighed and said simply, "This is nice." I nodded, and we were quiet like that for a while, until I heard a car door shut outside.
"That'll be your dad, hmm?" He nodded and groaned. I realized I had never even thought about the fact that his dad might be annoyed to come home at 1:00 am and have him ask to borrow the car to drive a strange girl home. I felt guilty. "Ohh, Bono...is he going to be mad at you? Or me? I'm sorry..." He put his hand up. "Don't be sorry! He's probably going to be a little grumpy with me, but he usually is anyway. Nothing too bad, though. But I'm probably going to get the 'if you crash that car, you better hope you don't survive, boy, because I'LL kill you' thing." I couldn't help but laugh. Mr. Hewson walked in looking very tired, and when he caught sight of us sitting on the couch, his face went through about ten different expressions. It settled on very confused. Bono jumped up. "Dad, this is Lilly...she's from New York, I met her at the show today. She's staying with her aunt, but it's far and I didn't want her alone on the bus at night...so...can I drive her home?" "That was very mature of you, son, good call..." He smiled at me. "A city bus is certainly not somewhere you would want to be alone at night." Yikes, I thought...and I was going to unsuspectingly ride around on one until I found someplace to sleep! Mr. Hewson tossed his son the keys. "Remember, if you crash the car..." "I know, I know...you'll kill me." "And son, try to drive like a human, you wouldn't want to kill your girlfriend." And with a wink, he went upstairs. Both of us turned ten different shades of red. Finally, I gave him a playful shove. "What, are you a bad driver?" He scowled defensively. "NO! C'mon..." He held my hand again and led my out the door, picking my backpack up for me on the way out. He might not have known, but I noticed every little thing he did. He was a true gentleman.
It was strange to sit in the driver's side while he drove from the passenger's side. I kept feeling the need to brake, or turn, or something. That was when I realized I was going to need to give him some kind of directions, and that I had not picked out a place for my fake aunt's house. I quickly tried to think of where would take the longest to get to. We were on the north side of the city, so my aunt definitely lived on the south side, as far from the city centre as possible. It would take a while to drive through, and we'd have to cross the river. "So, where are we going Lilly?" "Well, they live on the south side...sorry, I told you it was far..." He grunted. "Stop apologizing! I don't have any problem driving you around...you're lovely." I thought that my heart stopped beating for a moment. I wasn't sure if anyone had every said I was 'lovely' before. But it didn't matter. Bono had just said it, and that was all that mattered. I smiled at him and sighed. "Well, I don't know the street adress, but I sort of know what it looks like, so I guess if you drive in that direction...?" I was desperately trying to recall the many maps of the city I had looked at. He laughed out loud. "Do you remember the postal code, by chance?" I blurted out a random even number. "16, I think?" I hoped that wasn't somewhere in the mountains. I looked over at him for any signs of exasperation or doubt that I was telling the truth. He just nodded. "Okay, I'll just drive in that direction, maybe something will jog your memory."
He seemed to be a decent and careful driver, but that may have been an act. We were quiet for a while as we drove. I looked out the window at all the place names...unusual and interesting names, many that I wouldn't have a clue how to pronounce. We passed a building that seemed to be a jail house. "Uh, is that a jail??" He nodded. "It was...Kilmainham Jail. It's closed now, and you can walk around in there. It's fascinating, actually." The thought of walking around in there, especially at night, made me shiver. More quiet, and funny names. I looked over at Bono out of the corner of my eye. He was clearly thinking, and I wished I knew what about. I broke the silence again. "I love this place. This city, this country...I just think it's beautiful, and the culture..." I giggled. "I love your accents." He laughed. "Hey, I don't have an accent, YOU do!" A pause. "I'm glad you like it here. I'm really glad you're here, and that we met. There's something really intriguing about you...you're mysterious." I knew why. It was because I was lying out my ass to him. I was feeling increasingly guilty about it, too. But now was not the time to spill the whole story to him of why I was here.
I saw we were in a nice looking neighborhood. At almost every corner there were phone booths, and I resigned myself to the fact that one of them was going to be my bed for the night. "Ok, their house is on the next corner." He looked surprised. "Really? I thought we had a little ways to go." "I must've gotten the number wrong...there it is." He pulled over to the curb and cut the engine. That classic overdone movie scene flashed through my mind, and I wished he would kiss me. I contemplated kissing him. No, I didn't want to spoil anything. It was too soon. I wasn't sure what he was feeling yet. He pulled my bag out from the backseat, came around and opened my door, and I got out. "Actually, um, it would be better if you didn't walk me to the door. It would just cause unnecessary distress. I know they're all asleep...there's a key by the back door, and I'll just sneak in quietly." He looked a little uneasy. I glanced at the phone booth. "Besides, I'd like to call Jack..." In the glow of the streetlight, I saw a funny look on his face. "...Your boyfriend?" I had to stifle my laughter. "Jack, my boyfriend?? Ohhh no, no...just my friend in the record store that introduced me to U2! I wanna tell him we met." I laughed again and shook my head. "Jack is engaged...and not to me!" Bono looked relieved, but I couldn't be sure. I didn't want him to think I was blowing him off, so I held both of his hands and moved closer to him. "Thank you for looking out for me, Bono. For not letting me get on the bus, and driving me all the way out here...and just being a sweet boy." I smiled shyly. "This has been such a great day...I couldn't be happier that we met." He squeezed my hands, and then put his arms around me. Hugging him was the most blissful feeling I had ever felt.
"Ehhh, this might seem like a weird question, but...I will see you again, won't I?" I giggled, relieved that he had asked before I did. "Of course..." He grinned. "Tomorrow?!" His enthusiasm made feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I nodded. "I would be sad if I couldn't see you tomorrow...I'm going to miss you tonight!" I hoped that didn't sound too weird. He gave me a little nuzzle with his cheek and I broke out in goosebumps. "I'll come pick you up tomorrow at nine...is that too early? And it's that house right there, right?" "Nine is good...but, uhhh, maybe we should meet on the corner. I really don't feel like subjecting you to the third degree, which is what you would get if you came to the door..." I knew that I was sounding fishier by the minute. What had started off as a simple lie had quickly gotten too complicated. He nodded, but I could tell he had some questions. "Ok, at the corner...goodnight, Lilly." His face was very close to mine, and his eyes looked almost clear in the dark. I didn't just want to kiss him...I wanted to tell him that I loved him, impulsive as that was. I didn't want him to leave. I felt like I was going to cry...not sad tears, but not happy ones either. I just felt too many emotions, and I wasn't used to it. I put my hand in his hair and, instead of kissing his cheek, I pressed my lips to his ear. "Goodnight." I heard him sigh a little, and then finally he pulled back. "Nine o' clock sharp!," he said with a wink, and got back into the car.
My head was buzzing, but now that I was alone, at least I could think. I went into the phone booth, but of course had no plans of calling anyone. Opening my bag, I realized that I hadn't brought a pillow. I hadn't thought I would need one. Oh well, I had a blanket and my coat that I had forgotten about. I could use my extra pants as a pillow. I settled down on the floor and sighed deeply. What a day. It had started off kind of sad and frightening, yet exciting. And now...I felt like I was on a cloud. Yes, I was about as confused as I had ever been, but still. I replayed the day's events, wondering if there was anything meant by the hugs, the kiss on the cheek, and him curling up so close to me on the couch. He certainly liked me in some way, but I couldn't tell if he was feeling what I was feeling. To make it more confusing, I had never felt what I was feeling before. I never knew that I could feel close to anyone at all...it was all new. I would have to try to explain that to him. I realized that I had my own unanswered questions as well. I'd never even asked him, but for all I knew, he could be in a relationship. I felt cold at the thought of that. And then there was the strange and unpleasant way Paul M had acted towards me. I needed to ask him about that. But first, I was going to tell him the truth. First thing in the morning, I would explain why I was here.
I pulled out my walkman...every time I looked at it, I was in awe of how amazing this thing was. I could listen to music on the go! Someone must have been thinking of me when they made it. I popped in my tape of 'Boy' and fast-forwarded to Shadows and Tall Trees. Quiet enough to fall asleep to.
Back to the cold, restless streets at night...Talk to myself about tomorrow night...
I closed my eyes to the dark streets around me and my thoughts drifted to what the next day would bring.
Do you feel in me anything redeeming, any worthwile feeling...
It was a short ride, and the bus was crowded so we had to stand. I think he apologized at least five times. "Bono, I live in New York City. I've stood up on a packed subway for half an hour with some of the the smelliest and scariest people in the world. There are usually hobos talking to themselves and swearing at people. This is really, really no big deal." He tipped his head back and laughed loudly, making my heart sing.
His house looked cozy, and seemed like a place where he would live. I was happy to drop my stupid backpack by the front door...I was sure I looked like an idiot carrying the damn thing around all day. He took his shoes off, so I did too. He was wearing grey socks, and was even shorter without his shoes. I plopped down on the couch, still amazed at how unnaturally comfortable I felt. He smiled. "Want some ice cream Lilly?" The last word caught me by surprise. No one had ever called me 'Lilly' before in my life. I liked it, and the sound of him saying it nearly melted my heart. I sighed. "No one's ever called me that...I like it. And yes, I'll have some ice cream." He scampered off the to kitchen and I looked around the room. It smelled like a cinnamon candle, and had a very 60s-ish look about it. The only thing that looked fairly new was the TV. I didn't see any family pictures, other than one small one on the table next to the couch of two boys with their arms around eachother, Bono and his brother I assumed. He came back with a carton of ice cream and two spoons and sat down right next to me, and I had to laugh. He handed me a spoon. "All the bowls are dirty! You'll have to risk catching me cooties." There was that 'me' again that he used every now and then.
We took turns dipping spoons into the carton and talked about A to Z. I had only heard him speak a few times on some tapes of interviews that Jack had given me. He always struck me as having a very soft and refined way of speaking, and of course with quite an accent. But talking to him now was completely different. He was very jovial and his accent seemed thicker, and sprinkled with some bizarre slang words that I had to ask him to define.
While we were talking and practically snuggling, I realized something else unusual. His need for personal space was clearly much less than mine. He was leaning right on me and his face only a few inches from mine. Normally when talking to someone I needed to keep a decent distance. If they took a step towards me, I would instinctively take a step back. I usually didn't like people being 'all over' me. And yet now I only noticed how close he was when he turned his head to sneeze. Even stranger, I liked the closeness.
It was obvious that I was ridiculously attracted to him. Obvious to me, anyway...I hoped it wasn't that obvious to him, because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I noticed all kinds of little details as we talked. He talked a LOT. Anyone who ever said that boys don't like to talk a lot would be proved wrong by him. I discreetly examined the countours of his body. He had a slight, boyish build, but strong looking as well. The black turtleneck he was wearing was very flattering. He had a habit of sticking out his tongue and licking his lips quite often when he was talking, and I wondered if it was a nervous habit. His teeth were slightly crooked in spots, and there was something vaguely chipmunkish about the front ones. The imperfections were so charming. I began to realize that everything about him seemed adorable to me, and suddenly I was bombarded with a whole slew of urges that I had to work to resist. He was so hard to read that I didn't know what I could do, or what would make him uncomfortable. He did seem to be flirting with me, but coming from a different culture I could easily have been misinterpreting what he saw as simple friendly gestures. I was very tired, and I deemed it acceptable to rest my head on his shoulder. Almost immediately, he leaned his head on mine. Ok, so I hadn't crossed the line. Bravely, I laid my hand on his chest. He sighed and said simply, "This is nice." I nodded, and we were quiet like that for a while, until I heard a car door shut outside.
"That'll be your dad, hmm?" He nodded and groaned. I realized I had never even thought about the fact that his dad might be annoyed to come home at 1:00 am and have him ask to borrow the car to drive a strange girl home. I felt guilty. "Ohh, Bono...is he going to be mad at you? Or me? I'm sorry..." He put his hand up. "Don't be sorry! He's probably going to be a little grumpy with me, but he usually is anyway. Nothing too bad, though. But I'm probably going to get the 'if you crash that car, you better hope you don't survive, boy, because I'LL kill you' thing." I couldn't help but laugh. Mr. Hewson walked in looking very tired, and when he caught sight of us sitting on the couch, his face went through about ten different expressions. It settled on very confused. Bono jumped up. "Dad, this is Lilly...she's from New York, I met her at the show today. She's staying with her aunt, but it's far and I didn't want her alone on the bus at night...so...can I drive her home?" "That was very mature of you, son, good call..." He smiled at me. "A city bus is certainly not somewhere you would want to be alone at night." Yikes, I thought...and I was going to unsuspectingly ride around on one until I found someplace to sleep! Mr. Hewson tossed his son the keys. "Remember, if you crash the car..." "I know, I know...you'll kill me." "And son, try to drive like a human, you wouldn't want to kill your girlfriend." And with a wink, he went upstairs. Both of us turned ten different shades of red. Finally, I gave him a playful shove. "What, are you a bad driver?" He scowled defensively. "NO! C'mon..." He held my hand again and led my out the door, picking my backpack up for me on the way out. He might not have known, but I noticed every little thing he did. He was a true gentleman.
It was strange to sit in the driver's side while he drove from the passenger's side. I kept feeling the need to brake, or turn, or something. That was when I realized I was going to need to give him some kind of directions, and that I had not picked out a place for my fake aunt's house. I quickly tried to think of where would take the longest to get to. We were on the north side of the city, so my aunt definitely lived on the south side, as far from the city centre as possible. It would take a while to drive through, and we'd have to cross the river. "So, where are we going Lilly?" "Well, they live on the south side...sorry, I told you it was far..." He grunted. "Stop apologizing! I don't have any problem driving you around...you're lovely." I thought that my heart stopped beating for a moment. I wasn't sure if anyone had every said I was 'lovely' before. But it didn't matter. Bono had just said it, and that was all that mattered. I smiled at him and sighed. "Well, I don't know the street adress, but I sort of know what it looks like, so I guess if you drive in that direction...?" I was desperately trying to recall the many maps of the city I had looked at. He laughed out loud. "Do you remember the postal code, by chance?" I blurted out a random even number. "16, I think?" I hoped that wasn't somewhere in the mountains. I looked over at him for any signs of exasperation or doubt that I was telling the truth. He just nodded. "Okay, I'll just drive in that direction, maybe something will jog your memory."
He seemed to be a decent and careful driver, but that may have been an act. We were quiet for a while as we drove. I looked out the window at all the place names...unusual and interesting names, many that I wouldn't have a clue how to pronounce. We passed a building that seemed to be a jail house. "Uh, is that a jail??" He nodded. "It was...Kilmainham Jail. It's closed now, and you can walk around in there. It's fascinating, actually." The thought of walking around in there, especially at night, made me shiver. More quiet, and funny names. I looked over at Bono out of the corner of my eye. He was clearly thinking, and I wished I knew what about. I broke the silence again. "I love this place. This city, this country...I just think it's beautiful, and the culture..." I giggled. "I love your accents." He laughed. "Hey, I don't have an accent, YOU do!" A pause. "I'm glad you like it here. I'm really glad you're here, and that we met. There's something really intriguing about you...you're mysterious." I knew why. It was because I was lying out my ass to him. I was feeling increasingly guilty about it, too. But now was not the time to spill the whole story to him of why I was here.
I saw we were in a nice looking neighborhood. At almost every corner there were phone booths, and I resigned myself to the fact that one of them was going to be my bed for the night. "Ok, their house is on the next corner." He looked surprised. "Really? I thought we had a little ways to go." "I must've gotten the number wrong...there it is." He pulled over to the curb and cut the engine. That classic overdone movie scene flashed through my mind, and I wished he would kiss me. I contemplated kissing him. No, I didn't want to spoil anything. It was too soon. I wasn't sure what he was feeling yet. He pulled my bag out from the backseat, came around and opened my door, and I got out. "Actually, um, it would be better if you didn't walk me to the door. It would just cause unnecessary distress. I know they're all asleep...there's a key by the back door, and I'll just sneak in quietly." He looked a little uneasy. I glanced at the phone booth. "Besides, I'd like to call Jack..." In the glow of the streetlight, I saw a funny look on his face. "...Your boyfriend?" I had to stifle my laughter. "Jack, my boyfriend?? Ohhh no, no...just my friend in the record store that introduced me to U2! I wanna tell him we met." I laughed again and shook my head. "Jack is engaged...and not to me!" Bono looked relieved, but I couldn't be sure. I didn't want him to think I was blowing him off, so I held both of his hands and moved closer to him. "Thank you for looking out for me, Bono. For not letting me get on the bus, and driving me all the way out here...and just being a sweet boy." I smiled shyly. "This has been such a great day...I couldn't be happier that we met." He squeezed my hands, and then put his arms around me. Hugging him was the most blissful feeling I had ever felt.
"Ehhh, this might seem like a weird question, but...I will see you again, won't I?" I giggled, relieved that he had asked before I did. "Of course..." He grinned. "Tomorrow?!" His enthusiasm made feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I nodded. "I would be sad if I couldn't see you tomorrow...I'm going to miss you tonight!" I hoped that didn't sound too weird. He gave me a little nuzzle with his cheek and I broke out in goosebumps. "I'll come pick you up tomorrow at nine...is that too early? And it's that house right there, right?" "Nine is good...but, uhhh, maybe we should meet on the corner. I really don't feel like subjecting you to the third degree, which is what you would get if you came to the door..." I knew that I was sounding fishier by the minute. What had started off as a simple lie had quickly gotten too complicated. He nodded, but I could tell he had some questions. "Ok, at the corner...goodnight, Lilly." His face was very close to mine, and his eyes looked almost clear in the dark. I didn't just want to kiss him...I wanted to tell him that I loved him, impulsive as that was. I didn't want him to leave. I felt like I was going to cry...not sad tears, but not happy ones either. I just felt too many emotions, and I wasn't used to it. I put my hand in his hair and, instead of kissing his cheek, I pressed my lips to his ear. "Goodnight." I heard him sigh a little, and then finally he pulled back. "Nine o' clock sharp!," he said with a wink, and got back into the car.
My head was buzzing, but now that I was alone, at least I could think. I went into the phone booth, but of course had no plans of calling anyone. Opening my bag, I realized that I hadn't brought a pillow. I hadn't thought I would need one. Oh well, I had a blanket and my coat that I had forgotten about. I could use my extra pants as a pillow. I settled down on the floor and sighed deeply. What a day. It had started off kind of sad and frightening, yet exciting. And now...I felt like I was on a cloud. Yes, I was about as confused as I had ever been, but still. I replayed the day's events, wondering if there was anything meant by the hugs, the kiss on the cheek, and him curling up so close to me on the couch. He certainly liked me in some way, but I couldn't tell if he was feeling what I was feeling. To make it more confusing, I had never felt what I was feeling before. I never knew that I could feel close to anyone at all...it was all new. I would have to try to explain that to him. I realized that I had my own unanswered questions as well. I'd never even asked him, but for all I knew, he could be in a relationship. I felt cold at the thought of that. And then there was the strange and unpleasant way Paul M had acted towards me. I needed to ask him about that. But first, I was going to tell him the truth. First thing in the morning, I would explain why I was here.
I pulled out my walkman...every time I looked at it, I was in awe of how amazing this thing was. I could listen to music on the go! Someone must have been thinking of me when they made it. I popped in my tape of 'Boy' and fast-forwarded to Shadows and Tall Trees. Quiet enough to fall asleep to.
Back to the cold, restless streets at night...Talk to myself about tomorrow night...
I closed my eyes to the dark streets around me and my thoughts drifted to what the next day would bring.
Do you feel in me anything redeeming, any worthwile feeling...
Thank you so much! 
Not while looking him in the face, anyway!
