secretly alone
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
Here's chapter 19, the last thread was incorrectly numbered 
Sorry to anyone still reading this that it's so irritatingly sporadic. I'm trying not to let it get redundant and/or predictable, which is proving harder than I thought!~Anyway, this is fictional, as you know
~"Lilly, you got a stomach ache?"
Bono gave me a look out of the corner of his eye. "Uh, yeah actually. I haven't been feeling well all day. Why?" "Well, because you've been walking around with your hand on your stomach," Adam replied. I put my hands behind my back. Bono made me walk slower with him. "I told you that was making it look suspicious!!" I scowled at him. "Well, I didn't realize I was doing it, ok? Can you not get all bent out of shape? Because I'm really...ohhh, no, there I go again being all bitchy! Where is this coming from?" I was going to make everyone around me hate me real fast, I just knew it. Bono put his arm around me. "You're not being bitchy. A little moody, yes, but..." He sighed. "Poor girl. How could anyone blame you?"
When we got to the theatre, I found a quiet place to sit. Everyone was bustling about. I usually loved that energy, and I would run back and forth with them, even though I didn't have anything to do, getting in the way. Today I just sat by myself. Part of me felt that I should savor this while I could. Before I knew it, I would have a baby in my arms, crying and needing to be fed, and I wouldn't be able to play with the boys anymore, so to speak. I knew that, but I just felt too sad to act like everything was normal.
Edge sat down next to me, causing me immediate exasperation. This wasn't one of those times when you want to talk to somebody. I really wanted to be left alone. "What's the matter, Lilly? You've seemed kinda down these past few days." I shrugged. "Nothing's wrong. I might be a little tired or worn out from everything, but that's about it." He didn't give up. Putting his arm around me, he continued. "Eh, I'm not quite sure I'm buying that. You know you can talk to me..." I sighed. "You don't have to buy it. I'm telling you I'm fine, and that's it. There's nothing to talk about." I crossed my arms, signaling that I wanted to be left alone. I didn't have the heart to tell him to go away. He didn't take the hint, though, and Bono came wandering over in that wierd pre-show state. He seemed to snap out of it, though, and sat down on my other side.
Saying that I wanted to be left alone was sort of innacurate, I supposed. What I meant by that was usually that I didn't want anyone other than Bono bothering me. I hardly ever felt that I wanted him to go away. I locked my arms around him and buried my face in his hair. I couldn't see Edge, but I could hear the hurt in his voice. "Yeah, you curl up to him but you won't even talk to me? I knew something was-" "What do you want from her, Edge? She's fine, just a little homesick I think. Leave her alone." Bono sounded a little irritated, I supposed because the inquiring was making him nervous. "C'mon, Lilly. Have fun. What good is sitting here alone doing...besides making you feel worse?" He brushed his eyelashes over my cheek, which never, ever failed to make me laugh.
I watched the show from backstage, peering out from the side. It was making me feel so happy, until Bono decided to pull something stupid. In the middle of The Electric Co, he began climbing the rigging on the side of the stage. I put my palm to my face...he was wearing heels, for heaven's sake. "One day he's going to break his damn leg," I muttered. Paul was watching too, and shaking his head. I hadn't realized how high the scaffolding went, but he just kept climbing. I bit my lip, waiting for him to stop, but he just kept going. I felt panicky. "What is he doing...this thing is at least thirty feet high!" Bono leaned precariously off of the metal bar he was standing on and resumed singing in an almost posessed manner. It was captivating and terrifying. I wanted to close my eyes, but at the same time I couldn't look away. "When he gets back down here, I think I'm going to kill him," Paul said angrily. Sure enough, he came back down, and continued singing as if he hadn't just pulled a ridiculous stunt.
I got to him before Paul did. Bono came running backstage all hyped up. "Hey, what did you think-" "What's the matter with you?" He looked taken aback. "You climb up flimsy light rigging in heels, and then flail around like a loon thirty feet in the air?!" "Lilly, I'm fine!" I tried not to yell. "I know you're fine. But you could have...if you fell, you..." I didn't finish. The thought refused to finish itself in my head. "She's right, Bono." I was still a little surprised to see Paul coming to my defense. "Lilly's always worrying about you...maybe you should think about her, and use that as incentive not to do assinine things like that. You're not invincible." "Damnit Bono, you're going to be a father! If you're not going to consider me, at least consider that."
The words had come out clear and harsh, and left a crisp silence in their wake. No one said a word. Everyone but Bono was looking at me with something beyond shock. He was looking at his feet. The silence seemed to stretch on forever. It was me who finally spoke again. "I'm sorry." I wasn't sure who I was apologizing to. To Bono for yelling at him, and for spilling the news that we were hiding in such an abrupt way, and to everyone else for causing such alarm. Edge spoke."Lilly, you're pregnant?" I flinched. "........yeah. I'm sorry for being rude to you before, Edge. And...I'm sorry to everyone for everything. For all the problems I've caused, for all the times I've gotten in the way, made things difficult, pissed someone off...and for continuing to cause problems." Tears of humiliation rolled down my cheeks.
There was a general murmur amongst them. Adam smiled sympathetically. "Oh please. You haven't caused any problems or gotten in the way. And we're all pissing eachother off. We'll keep doing it, too. Part of this, part of life. We're all glad you came along..." Even Paul nodded, a little. "And this doesn't make any of us wish you never showed up in the first place. We've got your back, kid." Something about his words made me feel infinitely better. I was sure that I had been getting on everyone's last nerve, and that this would just be the last straw. The baby was just going to throw a wrench into everything. As I thought that, I felt guilty again for thinking of the poor, innocent baby in such a negative light. I was waiting for the morning I would wake up and decide that I loved it.
Bono shuffled his feet around. "We were going to tell you...in a while, and with smiles on our faces..." It seemed that he felt the need to say something, but it had all been said. I put my arms around him hesitantly and he responded immediately, hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry for everything." He pressed his lips to my ear. "Never be sorry. Don't cry, Lilly, it breaks my heart. Please..." Everything around us seemed to melt away. I felt once again that nothing else mattered...as long as there was me and him. I sighed deeply. "I love you."
Paul walked over to us awkwardly, very aware that he was interrupting an emotional moment. He looked ashen. I thought of how it seemed that he was just starting to like me, and now, this. I reminded myself that I didn't care, even though I sort of did. He looking like he was about to touch one of us on the arm, but then changed his mind. "I was wrong. You two...if you need anything, I'm here. And...well, right then..." He walked away even more awkwardly than he had come over. "What was that?" Bono laughed softly. "I think he was saying that he was wrong about you, about us, and apologizing for being rude to you, and that now he's eating crow pie." I giggled, but I was a bit in awe of the situation. I still felt horrible. Every other moment, I remembered the situation I was in, and my heart sank. Bono sensed every nuance of my mood. He put his hand under my chin so I would look at him. Staring into his eyes was an intense experience. They were beautiful, clear bright blue, and so earnest. They could make me believe anything. "It's going to be ok, Lilly. We'll be alright."
ZOMG! I wasn't expecting it to get blurted out like that! 
