LoveandLogic
Refugee
We're getting near the end of this tedious journey! Only a few more chapters to go!
Disclaimer: Do I really need one of these anymore? Really. Twenty-two chapters in, I don't think I need a disclaimer anymore.
lol
Chapter Twenty-Two
A few days passed without any visits from Bono. Whenever he called, I would make up some excuse to not see him: I was working, I was going out with Brooke, I was tired. Lying to him was not a breeze but I couldn’t bring myself to see him. My days and nights were devoted to his unseen letters. Fighting with my mind and heart, a choice was going to have to be made sometime soon. We couldn’t keep going around in circles, being together one moment and not the next. Reality wise, it had to come to an end sooner or later.
Inviting Brooke over for a chat, she showed up around six, her face aglow, her mood even brighter. Larry had made it official and they now had a relationship out of the shadows. Envious inside, I congratulated her with sincerity. Wishing that Bono and I could be that free, my
mind swarmed with so many unanswered questions and doubts. Perhaps Edge was right. Bono should break things off with Olivia, no matter what I said, if he truly loved me.
“Brooke,” I said, digging my face in my hands, rubbing away the headache that was soon to grow into a migraine. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I thought you were going to leave it up to him?” She asked.
:”I was but…now I don’t know. I’m so lost. These letters are so…I don’t even know. He’s loved me all this time but he was too scared to take action. Shouldn’t that tell me something?”
“What do you mean?”
"I mean that he didn't care enough to let me know how he felt. He wanted me to live my own life but how could I when he didn't even have the guts to tell me to move on? That's so shallow, Brooke. I've been blind this whole time."
"You're fucking kidding, right?" Brooke asked a bit harshly, drawing my attention. "You can't seriously believe that he never cared for you? He paid for your college for God's sakes."
"He did that as a favor to my parents, not for my benefit."
"You really are blind then. No one else would have done that for you! He didn't have to fork over that much money! And if he did it as a favor to your parents he would have told you about it. But he didn't tell you because you would object to it because you would have wanted to skip college and be with him on tour! You wouldn't have nearly as much now as you do if he never would have paid for your schooling!"
And so the migraine begins!
"So you're taking his side?" I asked sharply.
"It's not about sides!" She said. "It's about making the right choices in life, Jess, no matter how hard they may be. He had to make a choice for the both of you. And now, the poor guy, is going to have to make an even harder choice! If Olivia loves him like you say she does I'm sure Bono is having a difficult time. Perhaps a more difficult time than you! What do you want? Do you really want him to marry another woman? After six years you're going to give him up? All those years of crying and wondering and...waiting and you're just going to hand him over? You're insane!"
"We're not meant to be together, Brooke! Doesn't anyone see that? First it's because of age and 'growing.' Now it's because he's engaged! I'm not a home-wrecker!"
"So it's about pride?"
"NO!" I raged, kicking the table. Wow, I really need to control my physical anger..."Pride has nothing to do with this! It's about what's right!"
Brooke sighed, throwing her arms up and setting them back down on her lap. "Alright, whatever. This isn't my relationship, it's yours. I'm not trying to tell you what to do I'm just trying to help."
"I'm sorry," I said, taking her hand. "I know you're trying to help. I just...i don't know what to think anymore. What would you do if you were in my position?"
Shrugging, Brooke shook her head. "I honestly don't know. I guess I would doing what you're doing. Sitting back and letting it eat away at me. On the other hand, I'm very stubborn. When I want something I take it. Nothing could ever stand between me and something that I really, truly need. You just don't want Bono, Jessie, you need him. You're a much better person when you're around him. I've seen it. Before you were always very closed up, quiet, grounded. Now you're taking chances again, living life how you want to live it. I don't want to see my best friend, my sister, ball up into a shell again."
"I am a shell right now." I let out a non-humorous chuckle. "I keep putting him off, he doesn't know about Olivia or about the letters. I kissed Edge an-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up!" Brooke raised a hand. "You did WHAT?"
Shifting in my seat, my face burned a hundred degrees hotter than normal. "Uh...well, he kissed me actually. We got into it pretty bad and uh...next thing you know he's kissing me."
"Holy mother of God! What the hell, Jess?! Are you insane!"
"Chill out, will 'ya? It's not like I asked him to do it! Besides, I'm still single. And two, I felt nothing for him."
"Well," Brooke giggled. "At least we know why he's always overreacting on things."
I laughed. "No shit. Don't tell Larry."
"Are you going to tell Bono?"
"Are you insane? Hell no! He'll kill Edge!"
Dipping her head back, she bellowed. "Yeah, you're right! What a mess."
"Tell me about."
The laughter ended and Brooke stared at me with pity. Damn, I didn't need pity. In fact, pity only made me feel worse. Choices, choices, choices. That's all my life consisted of anymore. Which was the right choice, which was the wrong? Trial and Error. Sticks and stones and broken bones. Another broken heart. Shadows of the past few months haunted me and my decision was waiting like a stalking butler. This was it. It was now or never.
Bono's P.O.V.
"Hey Edge," I approached the guitarist. It had been another early morning start in the studio and for four days now, Jessica hasn't called or even stopped by for a visit. Edge was just as close to her as I was and I figured he might know something that I didn't. "Have you talked to Jess lately?"
He flung back as if something had hit him. "No. Why?"
"Why are you freaking out, mate? I was just wondering is all. She hasn't called in days now. I'm getting worried about her. It's not like her to never call, even to say hi or goodnight. Maybe I should stop by."
"No, no! Don't do that."
Why was he acting so strange?
"Why not?" I asked.
"Give her some space. She's probably busy with work or something."
He had a point. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Hey, did you know that Olivia is in New York?"
Moving all the sudden, Edge started stacking papers and put his guitars on the stands. Nervously, he shook his head. "No I didn't. When did she get in?"
I eyed him curiously. "Uh, a few days ago I guess. She called me last night. She's at the hotel. I guess she wants to talk to me."
"Oh?"
"Ay. Not really looking forward to it but I guess something has to be done."
"What do you mean?"
I chuckled annoyingly. "You know what I mean. I'm going to break things off with her. She's not the one for me. You know that, I know that, the whole world knows that! I can't connect to her like I can with Jess. She's my soul mate, man. I'd be a dumb fuck to let her out of my hands again."
"Yes, you would." Edge said quietly then turned to me. "Bono, I need to tell you something."
"Sure."
"Um," He stuttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't know how to tell you this without you getting the wrong impression..."
"What?" I egged on, pushing the subject. "Tell me what? Edge, what is it?"
"I...I kind of kissed Jessica."
Did I hear right? "Come again?"
"I kissed her, Bono!"
It was as if I died and came back to life in one split second. As angry as I was, I couldn't move, not even to twitch my lips and say something back. Normally, as any man would, I would have been off my rocker, swinging a powerful fist at my best friend. For whatever reason, though, I couldn't. Somehow I always knew that Edge would try to swoon her. Shit, sometimes I think she would be better off with Edge. I've been playing her like a walking, breathing fiddle for six years. Nonetheless, I had only one question--the most important question.
"Did she kiss you back?" I asked.
Edge shook his head. "No, not really. I think I scared the wits out of her. But she stopped me, said she didn't have those sort of feelings towards me. She's hooked on you. Shouldn't you be beating the shit out of me right now?"
"Yes, I should. But I'm not going to. What's the point anymore? Nothing is surprising."
"I'm sorry, B. I shouldn't have done it."
"No need to apologize. Don't get me wrong, it's going to take awhile to look past this but...well, you know. What can I do? If she would have kissed you back and meant it, I can't control that. She'd be better off with you anyways."
Edge tossed his guitar to floor, his face glowing red. "Goddamn it, I can't take this anymore! Enough is enough, Bono! If you want her then for the love of God stop playing around and just take her! Seriously, dude, this is getting old! You love her, she loves you, stop feeling sorry for yourself and ask her to marry you or something! ANYTHING! Don't you think you've wasted enough time? Six years is a pretty good amount of time for Jessica to 'find herself' and become a woman! OPEN YOUR EYES, BONO! SHE'S A WOMAN NOW!"
"Alright, alright, simmer down! You're not telling me something I don't already know."
He rolled his eyes. "Then what the hell, Bono! Don't just think it, do it!"
"I am. I'm going to. Olivia is waiting for me at the hotel and I'm going to end things with her today. You're right, things have gone on for far too long."
"Good God, it's about time! GO!"
Edge pointed to the door and I looked around for my sunglasses and shoes. Hailing a cab, I dialed Jess's number on the way to the hotel. It rang a few times then went to voice mail. Trying again, it rang and rang and rang...Ugh, this girl! Just pick up the phone! Stop ignoring me!
Going to voice mail again, I grunted and left a message.
"Jessica, I really wish you wouldn't keep ignoring me like this. If something is wrong please talk to me. Listen, I really need to see you. We have to talk. So, whenever you get the chance, please call me back, ok? I...I love you."
Closing the phone, the taxi pulled up to the lobby and I took an elevator to my suite. Unlocking the door, I opened it slowly, peaking up to see Olivia, my future wife for the last few months, spread about my bed, dressed in nothing but a black, lacy bra and panties. Women...
Sure, she's beautiful beyond standards: long, tan, smooth legs, gorgeous brown hair and cotton candy lips. And she was sweet, considerate and fun. However, no matter how physically perfect she came off to be, Olivia couldn't even hold a candle to Jessica.
Jessica is everything a man would want. She's beautiful, strong, independent and grounded. She is smart, loving and caring. It took me years to find a girl like her. No one else could put up with my indecisiveness and rather fickle decisions. Any girl would have given up on me after a month or two. Not Jessica. Never her. I knew she would hang onto me until she no longer had hands to hold on with. Olivia? I questioned Olivia. She could be away, off to London, Paris and LA for months on end and not even as so much glance at my number.
And now here she was, trying to seduce me in her high heels and sexy, typical model pose. It didn't turn me on in the least bit. I'm not the same man that I was ten years ago. Ten years ago I would jumping all over the opportunity. Now, in this space and time, the only thought that buzzed through my mind was Jessica. Jessica and her lovely snow-white skin and raven hair.
"Welcome home, sweetheart." Olivia winked, sitting on the ledge of the bed and crossing her legs. "Did you miss me?"
Oi...
"Olivia, please put some clothes on. What if one of the guys decided to pop in?" I asked, throwing her one of my button-up shirts.
She looked insulted and stood up, her hips swaying gracefully towards me. Face to face, she smiled and removed my sunglasses. "I don't think they would mind. They find me beautiful. Don't you?"
"Of course I do," I admitted. It wasn't a lie. "But really, let's be adults here. Put a shirt on. We need to talk."
Crossing her sculpted eyebrows, she huffed and sleeved through the black shirt, buttoning it halfway before folding her arms. "Go on. Don't stand there dumbfounded."
Scratching the back of my head nervously, I struggled to find the right words. "Olivia, why haven't you called me? You've been gone for three months and nothing. Now you show up, out of no where, and expect me to just...pretend that everything is ok?"
"Like you have room to talk, Bono! At least I haven't been sneaking around with someone else! Hiding in France, buying a twenty-three year old photographer expensive clothes and perfumes! It's all over the place! You're on every magazine cover across the world! You made a fool of me! Do you know how embarrassing it is for me? To be cheated on with a small town photographer? I'm the laughing stalk of the press right now!"
"Oh please," I chuckled. "Get over yourself! If you would love me the way I want to be loved then I wouldn't be looking for it in someone else! Shit, Olivia, I asked you to marry me! Doesn't that mean something to you?"
"Does that mean something to you?" She pointed at me. "You're just as guilty! You never called me, either!"
"Bullshit! After a month of no word from you I gave up!"
"But after six years you didn't give up on her?"
My mouth snapped shut. How did she know about that? "What do you mean?"
"Edge told me everything. He told me about your bus breaking down in Ohio during a snow storm, about how you fell in love with an eighteen year old girl you were shacking up with! You think I wouldn't find out?"
"It's really none of your business."
"Not my business?" She yelped. "I'm your girlfriend! I have every right to know these things!"
"No you don't!"
"Why? Why Bono? Please tell me w-"
"Because I don't love you!"
Olivia went still, her lips thin and eyes glazed. Guilt washed over me. For years I've been using her to get over Jessica. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I really a bad person? Olivia turned her back towards me, her shoulders shaking, sniffles filling the room. Exhaling deeply, I walked up behind her and rubbed her arms.
"I'm sorry, Olivia. I should have never lead you on."
She shook her head. "You used me."
"It wasn't my intention. The situation slipped out of my hands."
"What if she doesn't love you?"
Closing my eyes, I pushed that possibility to the back of my mind. "I can't stop her from not loving me. But she's worth trying for."
Twisting to look at me, she said burningly. "You're a bastard."
Speechless, a knock on the door broke us from our stare down. When I didn't move, Olivia strutted past me and opened the doo. With my back towards that direction, a familiar voice caught my attention.
"Oh," Jessica sounded astonished. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I'll...I'll just be leaving now."
"Jess!" I chased after her, rushing past Olivia. Fuck me and my bad luck with timing! Go figure, just as I break all ties with Olivia Jessica decides to show up at my doorstep only to be greeted by a half-naked woman! Son of a bitch! And she was walking so fast that I had to run to catch up with her.
Grabbing her by the elbow, she didn't stop and shoved me away. "Let go! Just let me go!"
"It's not what you think it is! I know how it looks but i swear it's not what you think."
Coming to such an abrupt stop, I had to break myself so that I didn't collide into her.
"You're right," She practically cried. "It's not what it looks like, it looks exactly how it's supposed to look!"
"What do you mean?" I asked, tears building in the back of my eyes.
"This is how it's supposed to be! You should be with her!"
"No, I don't want to be with her! Don't walk away, talk to me!"
"I'll talk to you when I'm ready to talk to you!"
And with that said, I let her storm off into the elevator, leaving me where I stood: hopeless and regretful. Once she was out of sight, I collapsed into a fit, kicking and punching the wall, cursing at the top of my lungs until I was out of strength. Sliding down the wall and onto the floor, I brought my knees to my chest and cried all the tears that have been held back for so long. This was it, she was gone. I just knew it. Good God, what have I done?
Jessica's P.O.V.
Safely surrounded by the four walls of the elevator, my rage let loose, my legs and arms flying so wildly that I'm sure I looked like every other crazy in NYC. It didn't matter. I didn't care who saw me. Why was I so hurt? All this time I knew that I stood a chance of losing Bono. What did I expect, really? For him to throw all his plans away, give up his future wife for me? Stupid! He wasn't the fool! I've been the fool all along! I allowed him to reel me in again like a love-starved animal!
When the elevator opened, I ran from the hotel and to the recording studio as fast as my legs could carry me. With the building coming into view, I climbed the many stairs, impatient with the delay of the elevators. Finding room 212, without bothering to knock, I slammed the door open, found a very surprised Edge and collapsed into his arms like a lost child.
"Jess, what's the matter?" He cooed, smoothing my sweaty hair away from my face. "Talk to me, don't cry, babe. What's wrong."
Sobbing, my throat became too dry to work. Edge carried me to a seat so I could sit while he sat on his knees before me.
"Bono?" He asked and I nodded. "Olivia was there wasn't she?"
Again, I nodded.
"Shit," Edge whispered. "Jessica, he was going to break things off with her."
"No-" I hiccuped. "No-he-wasn't! She-she was-in her-underwear!"
"What? Are you sure?"
I stared at him. "Of course I'm sure!"
"Alright, chill, babe. I'm sure she wasn't expecting him to break things off with her. She probably showed up at the hotel with an idea that Bono was going to...well, don't make me say it."
"You could be right but you could be wrong, too!"
Edge rubbed my back soothingly, unable to say anything more. For a few more hours I stayed with Edge, listening and watching as he recorded some guitar riffs and songs. It helped me, took my mind off things. Deciding to take a break, Edge took me out to dinner at the Hard Rock (we considered it 'our' place). With a delicious looking burger in front of me, it went untouched. My appetite was gone along with my mind.
"Sweetheart," Edge took my hand from across the table. "You have to eat."
"I'm sorry. I'm just not hungry."
Smiling sadly, he searched my eyes. "Try to eat half of it. Please? For me?"
His facial expression was so loving and concerning that I smiled back at him. "Since you worded it that way."
"Thank you."
Achieving, somehow or another, to digest half of the large burger, Edge boxed up the rest and walked me back to my apartment. Throwing his arm across my shoulders, we walked simultaneously at a slow, easy pace. New York was lit like a herd of neon fireflies and a soft breeze from the Hudson lifted my hair, swarming in font of my eyes and lips. Edge would occasionally push aside the strands, a simple gesture that would make me grin up at him.
Inside my apartment, I handed Edge a beer and took one for myself. We didn't move, planted like stone in the tiny kitchen. Edge rested his elbows on the counter and glanced up at me.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
Shaking my head, I answered. "No. I can't just leave him hanging. He wanted to talk to me and I wouldn't listen. And, the funny thing is, he left me a voice mail only fifteen minutes before I showed up at the hotel and he said that he loved me. And when I got to his room, he told me that he didn't want to be with her."
"So...what are you going to do?"
"Whatever I need to do to make things right."
It was almost as if my eyes could say to him everything that my mouth couldn't because Edge didn't say anything back, instead just nodded in understanding and kissed me on the cheek.
"You'll be alright," He whispered into my hair, hugging me. "If you need anything don't hesitate to call."
Inhaling the guitarists fresh, meadow scent, I tugged him closer to me, his arms too comforting too give up. Any sort of affection was welcoming and needed at this point.
"I have to go," He said. "Again, call if you need anything. Anything at all."
Released from his arms, a gush of loneliness eclipsed me and all I could mutter was a, "Thank you."
Alone, for what seemed like the hundredth time this week, I sulked back into the room and picked a letter out of Bono's bunch at random, hoping that his own words would miraculously provide me with an answer.
Lovely Jessica,
It's been two years now. Two very, long, long empty years without your face, your touch, your lips. No, not empty years, wasted years seem more appropriate. God, I miss you. If only you knew how much I think of you, how much I crave for your scent and your jokes and your laughs. Ever since I met you, I find it near impossible to find another woman such as yourself. If I ever go out on a date, and trust me, it's a very rare occasion if I do, I catch myself comparing that girl to you. If she has blue eyes I want them to be honey and brown. If she's dark I imagine her pale and smooth, flawless. If she's not an artist or intelligent, I toss her aside like yesterdays trash. I've given up all hope anymore. There's only one you. And that's the only one I need.
And when I think of you, my heart breaks all over again. I can't even imagine what you're going through, what kind of pain your enduring because of me. I feel horrible, like dirt on the side of the road when I think of your feelings or read your painful letters. There are not enough hours in the world to make up to you for what I've done. I just hope and pray that I at least have the blessing of your forgiveness someday even though I don't deserve it.
The guys used to ask about you but they know better now. Just the mention of your name sets me into a whirlwind of vexation. Every now and again, when they think I'm asleep or away, I'll hear them talking about you, about your art and the fun times we had in Ohio. Hearing them only makes me even weaker and Edge keeps nagging at me because I haven't been able to write even one line of a new song. I don't mean to disappoint them, or you, or myself for that matter. A year ago I might have had a chance of winning you back but now, from the hints of your letters, I wouldn't even receive the time of day from you.
Remember me, even if only in your dreams. I miss you and think of you everyday. Not one day passes when I don't think of you, despite what you believe. It's my own fault, I've been silent for far too long.
And too much silence can be misleading...
Yours always, no matter what,
Bono
Blinking away the tears, I re-read one sentence over and over until it was engraved into my memory:
Too much silence can be misleading.
Taking a deep, struggling intake of oxygen, I opened my phone and dialed Bono's number. After a few rings, he answered, sounding tired and depressed, so unlike him in many ways.
"Bono," I spoke before he even had the chance to say anything more. "Meet me tomorrow at the Cafe at eleven."
"Ok," He simply replied.
"Goodnight."
Shutting the phone, I laid back onto the bed, his letter clenched in my fist at my heart. Tomorrow could either make us or break us. And it was all up to me to do the making or breaking.
Disclaimer: Do I really need one of these anymore? Really. Twenty-two chapters in, I don't think I need a disclaimer anymore.
lolChapter Twenty-Two
A few days passed without any visits from Bono. Whenever he called, I would make up some excuse to not see him: I was working, I was going out with Brooke, I was tired. Lying to him was not a breeze but I couldn’t bring myself to see him. My days and nights were devoted to his unseen letters. Fighting with my mind and heart, a choice was going to have to be made sometime soon. We couldn’t keep going around in circles, being together one moment and not the next. Reality wise, it had to come to an end sooner or later.
Inviting Brooke over for a chat, she showed up around six, her face aglow, her mood even brighter. Larry had made it official and they now had a relationship out of the shadows. Envious inside, I congratulated her with sincerity. Wishing that Bono and I could be that free, my
mind swarmed with so many unanswered questions and doubts. Perhaps Edge was right. Bono should break things off with Olivia, no matter what I said, if he truly loved me.
“Brooke,” I said, digging my face in my hands, rubbing away the headache that was soon to grow into a migraine. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I thought you were going to leave it up to him?” She asked.
:”I was but…now I don’t know. I’m so lost. These letters are so…I don’t even know. He’s loved me all this time but he was too scared to take action. Shouldn’t that tell me something?”
“What do you mean?”
"I mean that he didn't care enough to let me know how he felt. He wanted me to live my own life but how could I when he didn't even have the guts to tell me to move on? That's so shallow, Brooke. I've been blind this whole time."
"You're fucking kidding, right?" Brooke asked a bit harshly, drawing my attention. "You can't seriously believe that he never cared for you? He paid for your college for God's sakes."
"He did that as a favor to my parents, not for my benefit."
"You really are blind then. No one else would have done that for you! He didn't have to fork over that much money! And if he did it as a favor to your parents he would have told you about it. But he didn't tell you because you would object to it because you would have wanted to skip college and be with him on tour! You wouldn't have nearly as much now as you do if he never would have paid for your schooling!"
And so the migraine begins!
"So you're taking his side?" I asked sharply.
"It's not about sides!" She said. "It's about making the right choices in life, Jess, no matter how hard they may be. He had to make a choice for the both of you. And now, the poor guy, is going to have to make an even harder choice! If Olivia loves him like you say she does I'm sure Bono is having a difficult time. Perhaps a more difficult time than you! What do you want? Do you really want him to marry another woman? After six years you're going to give him up? All those years of crying and wondering and...waiting and you're just going to hand him over? You're insane!"
"We're not meant to be together, Brooke! Doesn't anyone see that? First it's because of age and 'growing.' Now it's because he's engaged! I'm not a home-wrecker!"
"So it's about pride?"
"NO!" I raged, kicking the table. Wow, I really need to control my physical anger..."Pride has nothing to do with this! It's about what's right!"
Brooke sighed, throwing her arms up and setting them back down on her lap. "Alright, whatever. This isn't my relationship, it's yours. I'm not trying to tell you what to do I'm just trying to help."
"I'm sorry," I said, taking her hand. "I know you're trying to help. I just...i don't know what to think anymore. What would you do if you were in my position?"
Shrugging, Brooke shook her head. "I honestly don't know. I guess I would doing what you're doing. Sitting back and letting it eat away at me. On the other hand, I'm very stubborn. When I want something I take it. Nothing could ever stand between me and something that I really, truly need. You just don't want Bono, Jessie, you need him. You're a much better person when you're around him. I've seen it. Before you were always very closed up, quiet, grounded. Now you're taking chances again, living life how you want to live it. I don't want to see my best friend, my sister, ball up into a shell again."
"I am a shell right now." I let out a non-humorous chuckle. "I keep putting him off, he doesn't know about Olivia or about the letters. I kissed Edge an-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up!" Brooke raised a hand. "You did WHAT?"
Shifting in my seat, my face burned a hundred degrees hotter than normal. "Uh...well, he kissed me actually. We got into it pretty bad and uh...next thing you know he's kissing me."
"Holy mother of God! What the hell, Jess?! Are you insane!"
"Chill out, will 'ya? It's not like I asked him to do it! Besides, I'm still single. And two, I felt nothing for him."
"Well," Brooke giggled. "At least we know why he's always overreacting on things."
I laughed. "No shit. Don't tell Larry."
"Are you going to tell Bono?"
"Are you insane? Hell no! He'll kill Edge!"
Dipping her head back, she bellowed. "Yeah, you're right! What a mess."
"Tell me about."
The laughter ended and Brooke stared at me with pity. Damn, I didn't need pity. In fact, pity only made me feel worse. Choices, choices, choices. That's all my life consisted of anymore. Which was the right choice, which was the wrong? Trial and Error. Sticks and stones and broken bones. Another broken heart. Shadows of the past few months haunted me and my decision was waiting like a stalking butler. This was it. It was now or never.
Bono's P.O.V.
"Hey Edge," I approached the guitarist. It had been another early morning start in the studio and for four days now, Jessica hasn't called or even stopped by for a visit. Edge was just as close to her as I was and I figured he might know something that I didn't. "Have you talked to Jess lately?"
He flung back as if something had hit him. "No. Why?"
"Why are you freaking out, mate? I was just wondering is all. She hasn't called in days now. I'm getting worried about her. It's not like her to never call, even to say hi or goodnight. Maybe I should stop by."
"No, no! Don't do that."
Why was he acting so strange?
"Why not?" I asked.
"Give her some space. She's probably busy with work or something."
He had a point. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Hey, did you know that Olivia is in New York?"
Moving all the sudden, Edge started stacking papers and put his guitars on the stands. Nervously, he shook his head. "No I didn't. When did she get in?"
I eyed him curiously. "Uh, a few days ago I guess. She called me last night. She's at the hotel. I guess she wants to talk to me."
"Oh?"
"Ay. Not really looking forward to it but I guess something has to be done."
"What do you mean?"
I chuckled annoyingly. "You know what I mean. I'm going to break things off with her. She's not the one for me. You know that, I know that, the whole world knows that! I can't connect to her like I can with Jess. She's my soul mate, man. I'd be a dumb fuck to let her out of my hands again."
"Yes, you would." Edge said quietly then turned to me. "Bono, I need to tell you something."
"Sure."
"Um," He stuttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't know how to tell you this without you getting the wrong impression..."
"What?" I egged on, pushing the subject. "Tell me what? Edge, what is it?"
"I...I kind of kissed Jessica."
Did I hear right? "Come again?"
"I kissed her, Bono!"
It was as if I died and came back to life in one split second. As angry as I was, I couldn't move, not even to twitch my lips and say something back. Normally, as any man would, I would have been off my rocker, swinging a powerful fist at my best friend. For whatever reason, though, I couldn't. Somehow I always knew that Edge would try to swoon her. Shit, sometimes I think she would be better off with Edge. I've been playing her like a walking, breathing fiddle for six years. Nonetheless, I had only one question--the most important question.
"Did she kiss you back?" I asked.
Edge shook his head. "No, not really. I think I scared the wits out of her. But she stopped me, said she didn't have those sort of feelings towards me. She's hooked on you. Shouldn't you be beating the shit out of me right now?"
"Yes, I should. But I'm not going to. What's the point anymore? Nothing is surprising."
"I'm sorry, B. I shouldn't have done it."
"No need to apologize. Don't get me wrong, it's going to take awhile to look past this but...well, you know. What can I do? If she would have kissed you back and meant it, I can't control that. She'd be better off with you anyways."
Edge tossed his guitar to floor, his face glowing red. "Goddamn it, I can't take this anymore! Enough is enough, Bono! If you want her then for the love of God stop playing around and just take her! Seriously, dude, this is getting old! You love her, she loves you, stop feeling sorry for yourself and ask her to marry you or something! ANYTHING! Don't you think you've wasted enough time? Six years is a pretty good amount of time for Jessica to 'find herself' and become a woman! OPEN YOUR EYES, BONO! SHE'S A WOMAN NOW!"
"Alright, alright, simmer down! You're not telling me something I don't already know."
He rolled his eyes. "Then what the hell, Bono! Don't just think it, do it!"
"I am. I'm going to. Olivia is waiting for me at the hotel and I'm going to end things with her today. You're right, things have gone on for far too long."
"Good God, it's about time! GO!"
Edge pointed to the door and I looked around for my sunglasses and shoes. Hailing a cab, I dialed Jess's number on the way to the hotel. It rang a few times then went to voice mail. Trying again, it rang and rang and rang...Ugh, this girl! Just pick up the phone! Stop ignoring me!
Going to voice mail again, I grunted and left a message.
"Jessica, I really wish you wouldn't keep ignoring me like this. If something is wrong please talk to me. Listen, I really need to see you. We have to talk. So, whenever you get the chance, please call me back, ok? I...I love you."
Closing the phone, the taxi pulled up to the lobby and I took an elevator to my suite. Unlocking the door, I opened it slowly, peaking up to see Olivia, my future wife for the last few months, spread about my bed, dressed in nothing but a black, lacy bra and panties. Women...
Sure, she's beautiful beyond standards: long, tan, smooth legs, gorgeous brown hair and cotton candy lips. And she was sweet, considerate and fun. However, no matter how physically perfect she came off to be, Olivia couldn't even hold a candle to Jessica.
Jessica is everything a man would want. She's beautiful, strong, independent and grounded. She is smart, loving and caring. It took me years to find a girl like her. No one else could put up with my indecisiveness and rather fickle decisions. Any girl would have given up on me after a month or two. Not Jessica. Never her. I knew she would hang onto me until she no longer had hands to hold on with. Olivia? I questioned Olivia. She could be away, off to London, Paris and LA for months on end and not even as so much glance at my number.
And now here she was, trying to seduce me in her high heels and sexy, typical model pose. It didn't turn me on in the least bit. I'm not the same man that I was ten years ago. Ten years ago I would jumping all over the opportunity. Now, in this space and time, the only thought that buzzed through my mind was Jessica. Jessica and her lovely snow-white skin and raven hair.
"Welcome home, sweetheart." Olivia winked, sitting on the ledge of the bed and crossing her legs. "Did you miss me?"
Oi...
"Olivia, please put some clothes on. What if one of the guys decided to pop in?" I asked, throwing her one of my button-up shirts.
She looked insulted and stood up, her hips swaying gracefully towards me. Face to face, she smiled and removed my sunglasses. "I don't think they would mind. They find me beautiful. Don't you?"
"Of course I do," I admitted. It wasn't a lie. "But really, let's be adults here. Put a shirt on. We need to talk."
Crossing her sculpted eyebrows, she huffed and sleeved through the black shirt, buttoning it halfway before folding her arms. "Go on. Don't stand there dumbfounded."
Scratching the back of my head nervously, I struggled to find the right words. "Olivia, why haven't you called me? You've been gone for three months and nothing. Now you show up, out of no where, and expect me to just...pretend that everything is ok?"
"Like you have room to talk, Bono! At least I haven't been sneaking around with someone else! Hiding in France, buying a twenty-three year old photographer expensive clothes and perfumes! It's all over the place! You're on every magazine cover across the world! You made a fool of me! Do you know how embarrassing it is for me? To be cheated on with a small town photographer? I'm the laughing stalk of the press right now!"
"Oh please," I chuckled. "Get over yourself! If you would love me the way I want to be loved then I wouldn't be looking for it in someone else! Shit, Olivia, I asked you to marry me! Doesn't that mean something to you?"
"Does that mean something to you?" She pointed at me. "You're just as guilty! You never called me, either!"
"Bullshit! After a month of no word from you I gave up!"
"But after six years you didn't give up on her?"
My mouth snapped shut. How did she know about that? "What do you mean?"
"Edge told me everything. He told me about your bus breaking down in Ohio during a snow storm, about how you fell in love with an eighteen year old girl you were shacking up with! You think I wouldn't find out?"
"It's really none of your business."
"Not my business?" She yelped. "I'm your girlfriend! I have every right to know these things!"
"No you don't!"
"Why? Why Bono? Please tell me w-"
"Because I don't love you!"
Olivia went still, her lips thin and eyes glazed. Guilt washed over me. For years I've been using her to get over Jessica. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I really a bad person? Olivia turned her back towards me, her shoulders shaking, sniffles filling the room. Exhaling deeply, I walked up behind her and rubbed her arms.
"I'm sorry, Olivia. I should have never lead you on."
She shook her head. "You used me."
"It wasn't my intention. The situation slipped out of my hands."
"What if she doesn't love you?"
Closing my eyes, I pushed that possibility to the back of my mind. "I can't stop her from not loving me. But she's worth trying for."
Twisting to look at me, she said burningly. "You're a bastard."
Speechless, a knock on the door broke us from our stare down. When I didn't move, Olivia strutted past me and opened the doo. With my back towards that direction, a familiar voice caught my attention.
"Oh," Jessica sounded astonished. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I'll...I'll just be leaving now."
"Jess!" I chased after her, rushing past Olivia. Fuck me and my bad luck with timing! Go figure, just as I break all ties with Olivia Jessica decides to show up at my doorstep only to be greeted by a half-naked woman! Son of a bitch! And she was walking so fast that I had to run to catch up with her.
Grabbing her by the elbow, she didn't stop and shoved me away. "Let go! Just let me go!"
"It's not what you think it is! I know how it looks but i swear it's not what you think."
Coming to such an abrupt stop, I had to break myself so that I didn't collide into her.
"You're right," She practically cried. "It's not what it looks like, it looks exactly how it's supposed to look!"
"What do you mean?" I asked, tears building in the back of my eyes.
"This is how it's supposed to be! You should be with her!"
"No, I don't want to be with her! Don't walk away, talk to me!"
"I'll talk to you when I'm ready to talk to you!"
And with that said, I let her storm off into the elevator, leaving me where I stood: hopeless and regretful. Once she was out of sight, I collapsed into a fit, kicking and punching the wall, cursing at the top of my lungs until I was out of strength. Sliding down the wall and onto the floor, I brought my knees to my chest and cried all the tears that have been held back for so long. This was it, she was gone. I just knew it. Good God, what have I done?
Jessica's P.O.V.
Safely surrounded by the four walls of the elevator, my rage let loose, my legs and arms flying so wildly that I'm sure I looked like every other crazy in NYC. It didn't matter. I didn't care who saw me. Why was I so hurt? All this time I knew that I stood a chance of losing Bono. What did I expect, really? For him to throw all his plans away, give up his future wife for me? Stupid! He wasn't the fool! I've been the fool all along! I allowed him to reel me in again like a love-starved animal!
When the elevator opened, I ran from the hotel and to the recording studio as fast as my legs could carry me. With the building coming into view, I climbed the many stairs, impatient with the delay of the elevators. Finding room 212, without bothering to knock, I slammed the door open, found a very surprised Edge and collapsed into his arms like a lost child.
"Jess, what's the matter?" He cooed, smoothing my sweaty hair away from my face. "Talk to me, don't cry, babe. What's wrong."
Sobbing, my throat became too dry to work. Edge carried me to a seat so I could sit while he sat on his knees before me.
"Bono?" He asked and I nodded. "Olivia was there wasn't she?"
Again, I nodded.
"Shit," Edge whispered. "Jessica, he was going to break things off with her."
"No-" I hiccuped. "No-he-wasn't! She-she was-in her-underwear!"
"What? Are you sure?"
I stared at him. "Of course I'm sure!"
"Alright, chill, babe. I'm sure she wasn't expecting him to break things off with her. She probably showed up at the hotel with an idea that Bono was going to...well, don't make me say it."
"You could be right but you could be wrong, too!"
Edge rubbed my back soothingly, unable to say anything more. For a few more hours I stayed with Edge, listening and watching as he recorded some guitar riffs and songs. It helped me, took my mind off things. Deciding to take a break, Edge took me out to dinner at the Hard Rock (we considered it 'our' place). With a delicious looking burger in front of me, it went untouched. My appetite was gone along with my mind.
"Sweetheart," Edge took my hand from across the table. "You have to eat."
"I'm sorry. I'm just not hungry."
Smiling sadly, he searched my eyes. "Try to eat half of it. Please? For me?"
His facial expression was so loving and concerning that I smiled back at him. "Since you worded it that way."
"Thank you."
Achieving, somehow or another, to digest half of the large burger, Edge boxed up the rest and walked me back to my apartment. Throwing his arm across my shoulders, we walked simultaneously at a slow, easy pace. New York was lit like a herd of neon fireflies and a soft breeze from the Hudson lifted my hair, swarming in font of my eyes and lips. Edge would occasionally push aside the strands, a simple gesture that would make me grin up at him.
Inside my apartment, I handed Edge a beer and took one for myself. We didn't move, planted like stone in the tiny kitchen. Edge rested his elbows on the counter and glanced up at me.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
Shaking my head, I answered. "No. I can't just leave him hanging. He wanted to talk to me and I wouldn't listen. And, the funny thing is, he left me a voice mail only fifteen minutes before I showed up at the hotel and he said that he loved me. And when I got to his room, he told me that he didn't want to be with her."
"So...what are you going to do?"
"Whatever I need to do to make things right."
It was almost as if my eyes could say to him everything that my mouth couldn't because Edge didn't say anything back, instead just nodded in understanding and kissed me on the cheek.
"You'll be alright," He whispered into my hair, hugging me. "If you need anything don't hesitate to call."
Inhaling the guitarists fresh, meadow scent, I tugged him closer to me, his arms too comforting too give up. Any sort of affection was welcoming and needed at this point.
"I have to go," He said. "Again, call if you need anything. Anything at all."
Released from his arms, a gush of loneliness eclipsed me and all I could mutter was a, "Thank you."
Alone, for what seemed like the hundredth time this week, I sulked back into the room and picked a letter out of Bono's bunch at random, hoping that his own words would miraculously provide me with an answer.
Lovely Jessica,
It's been two years now. Two very, long, long empty years without your face, your touch, your lips. No, not empty years, wasted years seem more appropriate. God, I miss you. If only you knew how much I think of you, how much I crave for your scent and your jokes and your laughs. Ever since I met you, I find it near impossible to find another woman such as yourself. If I ever go out on a date, and trust me, it's a very rare occasion if I do, I catch myself comparing that girl to you. If she has blue eyes I want them to be honey and brown. If she's dark I imagine her pale and smooth, flawless. If she's not an artist or intelligent, I toss her aside like yesterdays trash. I've given up all hope anymore. There's only one you. And that's the only one I need.
And when I think of you, my heart breaks all over again. I can't even imagine what you're going through, what kind of pain your enduring because of me. I feel horrible, like dirt on the side of the road when I think of your feelings or read your painful letters. There are not enough hours in the world to make up to you for what I've done. I just hope and pray that I at least have the blessing of your forgiveness someday even though I don't deserve it.
The guys used to ask about you but they know better now. Just the mention of your name sets me into a whirlwind of vexation. Every now and again, when they think I'm asleep or away, I'll hear them talking about you, about your art and the fun times we had in Ohio. Hearing them only makes me even weaker and Edge keeps nagging at me because I haven't been able to write even one line of a new song. I don't mean to disappoint them, or you, or myself for that matter. A year ago I might have had a chance of winning you back but now, from the hints of your letters, I wouldn't even receive the time of day from you.
Remember me, even if only in your dreams. I miss you and think of you everyday. Not one day passes when I don't think of you, despite what you believe. It's my own fault, I've been silent for far too long.
And too much silence can be misleading...
Yours always, no matter what,
Bono
Blinking away the tears, I re-read one sentence over and over until it was engraved into my memory:
Too much silence can be misleading.
Taking a deep, struggling intake of oxygen, I opened my phone and dialed Bono's number. After a few rings, he answered, sounding tired and depressed, so unlike him in many ways.
"Bono," I spoke before he even had the chance to say anything more. "Meet me tomorrow at the Cafe at eleven."
"Ok," He simply replied.
"Goodnight."
Shutting the phone, I laid back onto the bed, his letter clenched in my fist at my heart. Tomorrow could either make us or break us. And it was all up to me to do the making or breaking.
I think Brooke and Edge need to team and beat some sense into those two!!
Got the plot sorted out and everything!
