LoveandLogic
Refugee
Second to last chapter!
Disclaimer: Ugh...FICTION-AL!
Chapter Twenty-Three
I remember when we could sleep on stones
Now we lie together in whispers and moans.
Bono's P.O.V.
Watching the sunrise through the window of my hotel suite, my heart pounded against my breastbone like a fury of bombshells. It was only seven a.m., four more hours away from meeting Jessica at our usual Cafe. With tired eyes, a tired body and mind, I gazed about the depressing room: a bed that hadn't been slept in, clothes piled in a dirty heap, unfinished songs written in fast, scribbled handwriting on the cluttered desk by the window. This had been my life for years, you'd think I'd be used to it, familiarized with the catering and the sleeping in strange rooms in foreign places. Truth was, the traveling wore me down, aging me faster than a normal person should ever have to age.
Splashing cold water on my face to wake myself, the reflection in the mirror was not me. My hair was a tangled mess, my eyes dark, despite the sky blue iris's. Wrinkles deepened, stubble intruded. Waiting, waiting, always waiting! Waiting my whole life for love, waiting six years to set my eyes on love again and now, now, four hours of waiting for the final chapter of the story. What was she thinking about at the moment? Curiosity is what got me here in the first place. Still, a want of reassurance hammered my brain. Was she thinking of me? Was she thinking of us? Was she thinking at all?
Because thoughts....thoughts are overwhelming. It's better to fall asleep and forget reality altogether sometimes. Sleep? I wish I could accomplish that this morning. Just four, pain free, blissful hours of unconsciousness. That's all I ask. To feel no more the pain, the physical ache of my poor, beaten down heart. This was all my fault, this dilemma of right and wrong, of love and lust, of happiness and pain.
Years ago when I found myself on her doorstep, I never expected for our relationship to go this far. Yes, I loved her. Did I dream of her? Every night. Did I crave her? Like water in a dry desert. Never, however, never did I think that she would fall as hard for me as I did for her. She was so young. I figured she would go onto college and meet someone new and all this would be over. Only I would have to endure this suffering for the rest of my existence, not her. She was too pure, too free to carry such a burden. I wanted to carry it for her, no matter if killed me or not.
Sitting on the edge of the bed and turning on the television, I searched for anything, anything at all, to make the time go by faster. Time, nonetheless, only drags on like a movie in slow motion. I didn't see this day as a celebration but moreover as a funeral day. Dressed all in black, my stature gave away my inner mourning. Shouldn't I have some sort of ideal of hope? Shouldn't I have more faith in her, in our relationship? If I could, I would. Oh, but the look on her face when Olivia answered the door yesterday! Stupid, Paul! You stupid, stupid man! Letting a naked model open the door for you! How ignorant can you be?
Jessica would laugh at me if she were here, inside my mind, witnessing my dreadful thoughts. She would say "Paul, don't beat yourself up. You're only human, you're only a man. No matter what you say or think, you can't be perfect, you can't always please everyone. Take you as you are, I take you as you are." Would she say that now? Four hours from now will she still see me as a simple man and not as a conceited, complicated rock star? Good God, I hope so...Because more than ever in my life, never I have felt more as a man as I do now. This was life. Life no longer was layered with the photo shoots and the sold out concerts and the millions of people screaming their love for me. Real life, true reality, based itself on this day. Not only was our relationship on the line, so was my heart, my soul. She was my soul. Why didn't I ever tell her that? And if I did tell her that, would she listen? Would it change her mind?
Fatigue settled, not enough to let me rest, though. For the next three and half hours I dazed into the colorful screen of the television, sitting, waiting, wishing. Praying until God got fed up with my my pleas. God can't be here right now. This was about freewill and God, to my despair, cannot control freewill. Everyone knows that. Even I know that.
Finally, like waiting your turn for a doctors visit, ten-thirty rolled around and I laced my shoes, pushed on a pair of dark sunglasses and headed out the door. Jess would not be thrilled with my dark shades I knew. If she couldn't see my eyes, she wouldn't talk. Still, I chose them, I had to. The world had no right to look through me. It was dooms day.
Jessica was already waiting at one of the small, round tables in the far corner of the outside dining room. She modeled how I felt: tired, lost and anxious. Looking up at me through long, feathery eyelashes as I sat down, Jess gave me the weakest, most untrue smiles I have ever seen on her bubbly lips. I'm sure my smile reflected her own. For the longest moment we didn't speak, only glanced every now and again at each other to look away back to the ground. Finally, she broke the deafening silence.
"Bono," She started.
I stopped her. "Great, Bono. A crowded surrounding and now Bono."
"Hush, will ya? And take off your sunglasses, I can't stare into a dark black surface of nothingness."
Twitching my lips, I tried not to chuckle. See, told you she would tell me to remove them and I did so willingly, folding them over the neck of my shirt. She didn't need to tell me to look at her, her body language said it all and I met her honey, brown eyes. Wow, she looked older. Not in the way you're thinking. I mean older, an eighty year old trapped inside a young woman, forcing herself out from behind those bloodshot eyes. She had been crying. For how long? No. I don't want to know. My heart was sinking enough as it is.
"Bono," She said again, the one word making me wince. "I have something that is rightfully yours."
Oddly, I stared at her as she reached into her purse, pulling out, slowly, two large stacks of...oh shit! My letters! How did she get my letters? Edge! It had to be Edge! I'm going to kill that Welsh the minute I leave this place! Without saying a word, Jess laid the papers in the middle of the table and exhaled.
"Where did you get those?" I asked, finding my voice.
"Olivia."
Ok, sorry Edge.
"What?"
Jessica nodded. "Olivia. We met up about a week ago. Edge gave her my number and...next thing you know we're face to face. She's a nice girl, Bono. I was actually really surprised to find her so down to earth."
Olivia was the last thing I wanted to discuss. I could care less about her.
"Four-hundred and sixty-three letters." Jess breathed slowly. "You wrote me more letters than I wrote you. And I've read every single one, twice. Some select few I've read all day and night."
"Really? Wow. Erm...what did you think?"
Sniffling, Jess smiled her unwanted tears away. "They're beautiful, I'll admit."
"But?" I asked.
"But you never sent them. To me, it was more like reading journal entries than love letters. And I don't feel right keeping them."
Nodding out of habit, I shifted nervously in my seat, debating on whether or not to reach across and take her hands. She must have read my mind because before I could make a move, her fingers entwined mine. Both of us stared at our hands, an awkward silence thickening the New York air like the many fumes of pollution. From the study in her eyes, I knew Jessica was pondering her mind for the right words to say.
Just say you love me! Please, for the sake of our sanity, just say that you love me! Say that you never want to let me go! That you can't live without me! God, girl, I can't live without you!
"I read one of your letters last night." Jessica recalled. "And I actually have the whole thing memorized but there's only part that really stuck out. And when I think of you, my heart breaks all over again. I can't even imagine what you're going through, what kind of pain your enduring because of me. I feel horrible, like dirt on the side of the road when I think of your feelings or read your painful letters. There are not enough hours in the world to make up to you for what I've done. I just hope and pray that I at least have the blessing of your forgiveness someday even though I don't deserve it." She recited. I knew the words well. That letter was one of the very few that I set to memory. Staring into my hazy gaze, Jessica shook her head. "You don't need to ask for forgiveness. I forgave you years ago, I just never told you. We're both guilty of unsaid words and neglected apologies and excuses. We're not made of God-like features, Bono. I'm just as much to blame as you are. I should have told you to get rid of Olivia when you granted me with the option. Like a stupid, blind woman I went against it."
Was she saying what I hoped she was saying?
"So...that means what...exactly?" My voice sounded pathetically pleading.
Bringing the back of my hand to her forehead, Jessica sucked in a deep breath, her face turning an odd shade of scarlet, her lips trembling, her eyes teary and...sorry?
"It means," She choked. "It means that we had our chance. And we blew it."
No. No! NO, NO, NO! I beg of you, God, don't let this happen! Take my fame, take my money, take my songs but DO NOT TAKE THIS GIRL AWAY FROM ME! Don't you see I need her? I can't breathe! She is my oxygen! DO NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!
"Jessica, please, baby don't do this." I leaned into the table, taking her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me and only me. "I've made mistakes, I've fucked up, I know. Don't say this is over. Don't do this to us. I-Need-You! I love you!"
"Paul," She cried, snapping her head, trying to look away but when I wouldn't allow it, she placed her fingertips on my hands and held them. "I'm sorry. When I saw Olivia and the look on her face, I saw myself six years ago. She really, honestly loves you. Of all the pain I felt, all the endless nights of crying and hours of tossing and turning until the morning, I could never imagine putting someone else through that. I wouldn't be able to be with you, to love you the way you deserve to be loved, if I knew that there was a girl out there going through what I went through for six years. I can't do that, Bono! I can't let her cry, let her feel like a piece of herself is missing for the rest of her life. Do you understand?"
"No!" I said, my tone shocking even myself. "She doesn't love me! Why don't you see that?"
"You don't see it. I knew that look in her eyes, Bono. She may not always tell you how much she loves you but she does. And, in all fairness, who am I to take that away from her? It's selfish, it's...it's wrong."
"Goddamn it, don't do this! What about you? What do you want?"
"It's not about me," Jessica was crying now, her words coming out in heaps through sobs. "I'm making my choice and my answer is no. Get married, Bono. Go to Olivia and marry her like you promised you would. Don't break another girls heart. I'll survive. I survived this long, I can carry on. I'm strong enough. This is all I ask of you, sweetheart. All I'm asking is for you to move on, to start a family, to start a life outside of fame. We had our chance and we lost it."
This could not be happening! This is a joke! In a few minutes, her eyes will brighten with laughter and she'll say that she was just kidding, that Olivia was not the one for me, she was. Right? RIGHT?
"What about me?" I asked in a near whisper. "What about what I want?"
"I'm not giving you a choice, Bono."
"Why are you doing this to me? Damn, girl, you're killing me."
Both in tears, Jess swallowed hard and kissed my fingers and wrists, talking amongst my skin. "I'm sorry. It's just...this is how it's going to have to be. You know I'll always love you, more than I'll ever love another man. No one can compare to you. And if fate gives us another chance, only then will I know that we are truly meant to be together."
"Why can't we be together now?"
"Don't make this any harder, Bono. Just let me go. Let me let go of you once and for all."
Surrendering, I dried her tears away and forced a smile. She stood up, gathering her things. Stopping her, I handed her my letters, brushing her hair through my fingers, admiring the soft strands while I could.
"I want you to keep these." I told her. "They should have been yours the whole time. And while you're here, I just want to apologize for everything. I apologize for never being there when you needed me. I apologize for all the hurt I caused you and all the embarrassment I've put on you. But I also want you to know that everything I did, I did because I love you."
She took the letters and held them to her chest, her sight stuck on my face. Was she making a memory? Did she want to remember this moment for the rest of her life? Every detail, every line, every blink of an eye? I know I did. Implanted forever in the pit of my heart was a picture of her hair blowing steadily in the breeze, falling across her nose and forehead. I noted the way her eyes reflected the sky, how her skin glowed like a morning dove. Everything about her was beautiful. Nothing would ever change that.
Taking my chances, I cupped the side of her face and pulled her in for one last kiss. Not pulling away, she kissed back, running the tip of her tongue over my teeth and the roof my mouth. Her shoulders felt fragile under my arms, her body warm. Still in lip lock, I felt her tracing my forehead, eyebrows, eyelids and nose before reaching my cheeks and neck. Pulling away only slightly, she mumbled against lips.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out for us."
Rubbing her cheek with the pad of my thumb, I could only nod and inhale sharply as she caressed my lips and rested her forehead on mine. Tears ran down my face and I didn't bother to do anything about it. All I could concentrate on was the girl in front of me and the pain of never being able to wake up next to her, safely snuggled in my arms, protected from the cruel bite of this fucked up world.
"I love you, girl." I promised. "With every breath I take I will love you more and more."
"I know," She said back. "I love you, too. Take care of yourself."
"You, too, sweetheart."
And like the winds of the city, she was gone, disappearing down the block, out of sight, out of my life.
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life...
For how long did I stand in the very spot, dazing out towards the direction she left I do not know. How many people stared at me like I was a mad man I do not care. She was gone. Gone. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, stabbed me over and over until I bled what was left of my broken heart. Gone. Gone. No matter how many times I myself that, it didn't hurt any less or hurt any more. It was a steady fact, a horrifying truth. She was gone.
Walking back to the studio, I was already four hours late for recording. When I entered the room, my three band mates, who were talking amongst each other and turning their instruments, froze like statues, six pairs of eyes gawking at the sight of me. Larry, ever being the man of silence, spoke up first.
"Where have you been? You were supposed to be here at eight! We had to reschedule the producers for next week. Next week, Bono!"
I couldn't speak. Edge met my eyes and I glared into his. This was all his fault. He gave Olivia Jessica's number, he knew that Olivia would make her feel guilty, he knew that she would give her those letters! He knew it all along! Dashing towards the guitarist, taking him off guard, I slammed him against the glass of the recording room, pushing him again and again, crying and yelling at the top of my lungs.
"This is all your fault! You fucking bastard! You bloody, selfish man! This is all your fault! Why did you give her Jessica's number? Why?"
Wide eyed, Edge raised his hands at his chest, not hitting back or even attempting to stop me. Larry and Adam came up from behind me, locking my arms behind my back and my knees buckled from under me. Falling to the floor, dragging my two mates down with me, I bawled like I've never bawled before. Edge kneeled down, hugging me and I buried my face into his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. All around me were the arms of my three best friends, my band mates, my brothers. Now I remembered why we've stuck together for so long. Not only did we support each other in music, we supported each other in life, too. And at this time in my life, I needed them like I needed air.
Jessica's P.O.V.
"You're really going back?" Brooke asked me as we taped up another box full of my belongings. "You're really leaving the city?"
"Yes, I have to." I told her, holding back the tears. "I can't stay here anymore. Not with him only ten minutes away. I need a break. I need some fresh air."
Folding my clothes into another box, Brooke packed away my shoes and sheets. For over five hours now we've been going from room to room, wrapping drinking glasses in newspaper and taking down curtains and paintings and decorations. The apartment was stripped naked, looking plain and ugly compared to how it used to be. We had gotten a lot done, every room besides the bedroom forced from their place and stuffed away into hundreds of boxes.
There was a knock at the door and Brooke and I stopped dead in our tracks, looking up at one another. Reading my eyes, Brooke nodded and pushed herself up from the floor to answer. Continuing on with my packing, Brooke came back a few seconds later with a very concerned looking Edge behind her. I smiled a fake smile towards him and Brooke left the room, leaving me and the musician for privacy.
Edge sat down beside me on the floor, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, the side of his head on mine. Throwing my arms around his middle, I sunk my face into the hallow of his neck and let loose all my backed up sorrows. Moving so that we were encircled in each others embrace, it seemed like we stayed that way for hours. For all I know, I did cry for hours. Time was irrelevant to me now. Nothing was important anymore. I had set free the most important person in my life, the only man I had ever loved. It was like a part of my soul was gone, like I was no longer whole...not even half.
When my sobs subsided, Edge and I were spread out on the floor, my head resting on his flat stomach, his fingers twirling my hair soothingly. Brooke must have went out for a bit because the apartment was dead quiet aside from the sounds of the city outside. Staring up at Edge, he flashed me a tiny grin.
"Can we take a walk?" I asked. "I need to gaze upon the city on last time."
After leaving a note for Brooke, Edge and I walked hand in hand throughout the city. Night had presented itself and the Hudson River lost it's color, turning into waves of black, reflecting the city lights upon it's jagged surface. In the distance was Lady Liberty, her torch high into the sky, lit up like a candle on steroids. Sitting down on a concrete bench, Edge didn't let go of my hand. This was, after all, our last night together too. Not only was I leaving Bono, I was leaving my best friends behind as well.
"Where are you going?" He asked softly.
I answered. "Home. I want to be with my mom. Isn't that funny? As a kid you can't wait to leave your parents. Now I need her more than ever."
"I understand. What are you going to do about work?"
"I talked to my boss. He's going to send photos to me through internet files and I can edit them from home. It's half the pay but," I shrugged. "I don't really care at this point. I just need to get away. This city holds too many memories. Going home won't be easy, either. But at least I can't walk out my door and be only blocks away from Bono."
"Are you doing alright?"
Shrugging again, I sighed. "I will be. Someday."
"Can I ask why?"
Thinking momentarily, I said. "Because I can't let her go through what I went through."
"Olivia?"
I nodded. "Is that stupid of me?"
"No," Edge assured, kissing the crown of my head. "That's brave. Fuck, I'm going to miss you, Jessica."
"We'll see each other again. You know me, I can't be away from the city forever. These lights, the sounds, the smells... it's all that I can't leave behind."
He hummed. "When are you leaving?"
"Well, with your help and Brooke's help, I'll be on the road tomorrow morning."
"At least let me rent you a U-Haul."
For the first time in days, I actually laughed and meant it.
The remaining of the night, Brooke, Edge and I finished packing, telling jokes and reciting memories to help take my mind off things. All in all, it wasn't working. Once again, I was running away from my past, my troubles. Sometimes, the option left is to runaway. Around three a.m. the three of us slept out on the living room floor, Edge and Brooke on either side of me. I set my alarm for eight so that Edge could call the U-Haul company. Brooke was fast asleep, her snores quiet and constant. Edge and I were wide awake, lying on our backs, our hands underneath our heads.
"Should I tell Bono that you're leaving?" He whispered in the dark.
"It doesn't matter. He'll find out sooner or later."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Larry and Adam will be sad that you left without saying goodbye."
A tear slid down my cheek. "Tell them I'm sorry and that I send them my love."
"I will. Now try to get some sleep, Jess. You have a long day ahead of you."
Curling against his body, I finally drifted off, Edge's breathing coaxing me into a dreamless sleep.
At eight exactly, the alarm on my phone woke me up and I nudged Edge awake so he could make the call. Brooke was gone, walking through the door fifteen minutes later with three cups of Starbucks coffee. After a few minutes Edge appeared in the living room, his eyes droopy, adjusting the black beanie on his head. Bless his heart. He didn't have to do all of this for me...
"U-Haul will be here in fifteen minutes. Let's start moving this stuff downstairs into the lobby."
We made numerous trips from my apartment to the lobby, stacking the boxes near the door. I decided to leave the furniture where it was except for my computer desk. I had a bed back home, and an entertainment center and bookshelves. No point in making poor Edge drag the heavy furniture across the complex. Picking up the last box out of my room, I carried it to the door and turned to look at the apartment one last time.
Strange to think that only a few months ago I was hating on this apartment, treating it more as a prison than a home. Now, there was an empty pit in my stomach at the sight of the four walls, the tiny kitchen and cozy living room. I had spent my four years of studying college here, Brooke and I formed memories of bunking together in the single bedroom, sharing the same bathroom until she could afford her own place. My past lingered here. Bono and I made love here. Bono paid for this place. Yet, another reason to leave the city...
Closing the door behind me, I walked down the flight of stairs and Edge and Brooke were throwing the boxes into the large U-Haul. Handing in my keys to the land lord, we bid each other farewell before I left to help my friends. Once everything was stacked into the U-Haul, which was already attached to my rental car, Edge and Brooke stood before me, gloomy and speechless.
"Guys, come on. It's really not that bad. We'll keep in touch." I promised, taking Brooke first into my arms. Her grip about suffocated me but I didn't mind. She was the hardest to leave behind. "Thanks for being such a great friend. I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through."
Crying, Brooke laughed. "Shit? Come on, now. There's only one person I would walk through Hell with. Have a safe drive home. Call me when you get there."
"I will. Good luck with Larry."
"Thank you. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you."
"Everything happens for a reason."
Pulling away, I turned to Edge who was watching me and Brooke. Spreading his arms wide open, I rushed into them instantly, sobbing into his neck, kissing his cheeks and forehead. God, this was hard! I didn't want to leave them! Still, I had to. I needed to find myself again.
"You're an angel, Edge. There are no words to express how thankful I am to have you in my life."
"Same here." He said, taking my face in his palms and kissing me softly on the forehead. "Take care. And, like I'm always telling you, if you ever need anything, and I mean ANYTHING-"
I interrupted him. "I know, I know. Don't hesitate to call. The same goes for you, though. Actually, keep in touch, will ya? Just don't mention anything to Bono. Don't...you know, tell me anything about him and vise-versa."
Edge nodded. "Of course."
With one arm around the both of them, we walked to the car in slow-mo and Edge opened the door for me. Before getting in, I hugged Brooke again and kissed Edge goodbye. Edge shut the door and I smiled at them. "I love you, guys."
"We love you," Brooke said back.
"Well,." I sighed. "See ya."
Starting up the car, I rolled down the busy streets of New York, gazing back at my two friends in the reflection of the side-view mirror, Edge's arm around Brooke, both waving sadly as I drove away. Traffic went fast and I did everything to distract the reality of the New York skyline disappearing from eye's reach in the rear view mirror. Alone now, free from the city, I looked over into the passengers seat, Bono's letters sitting in a skewed pile next to me.
"I love you," I said aloud, hoping, in some way or another, that he could hear me.
Song's are "Ultra-violet Light my Way" by ours truly
and "She's out of my life" Michael Jackson's version cause he sings it the best!
Disclaimer: Ugh...FICTION-AL!
Chapter Twenty-Three
I remember when we could sleep on stones
Now we lie together in whispers and moans.
Bono's P.O.V.
Watching the sunrise through the window of my hotel suite, my heart pounded against my breastbone like a fury of bombshells. It was only seven a.m., four more hours away from meeting Jessica at our usual Cafe. With tired eyes, a tired body and mind, I gazed about the depressing room: a bed that hadn't been slept in, clothes piled in a dirty heap, unfinished songs written in fast, scribbled handwriting on the cluttered desk by the window. This had been my life for years, you'd think I'd be used to it, familiarized with the catering and the sleeping in strange rooms in foreign places. Truth was, the traveling wore me down, aging me faster than a normal person should ever have to age.
Splashing cold water on my face to wake myself, the reflection in the mirror was not me. My hair was a tangled mess, my eyes dark, despite the sky blue iris's. Wrinkles deepened, stubble intruded. Waiting, waiting, always waiting! Waiting my whole life for love, waiting six years to set my eyes on love again and now, now, four hours of waiting for the final chapter of the story. What was she thinking about at the moment? Curiosity is what got me here in the first place. Still, a want of reassurance hammered my brain. Was she thinking of me? Was she thinking of us? Was she thinking at all?
Because thoughts....thoughts are overwhelming. It's better to fall asleep and forget reality altogether sometimes. Sleep? I wish I could accomplish that this morning. Just four, pain free, blissful hours of unconsciousness. That's all I ask. To feel no more the pain, the physical ache of my poor, beaten down heart. This was all my fault, this dilemma of right and wrong, of love and lust, of happiness and pain.
Years ago when I found myself on her doorstep, I never expected for our relationship to go this far. Yes, I loved her. Did I dream of her? Every night. Did I crave her? Like water in a dry desert. Never, however, never did I think that she would fall as hard for me as I did for her. She was so young. I figured she would go onto college and meet someone new and all this would be over. Only I would have to endure this suffering for the rest of my existence, not her. She was too pure, too free to carry such a burden. I wanted to carry it for her, no matter if killed me or not.
Sitting on the edge of the bed and turning on the television, I searched for anything, anything at all, to make the time go by faster. Time, nonetheless, only drags on like a movie in slow motion. I didn't see this day as a celebration but moreover as a funeral day. Dressed all in black, my stature gave away my inner mourning. Shouldn't I have some sort of ideal of hope? Shouldn't I have more faith in her, in our relationship? If I could, I would. Oh, but the look on her face when Olivia answered the door yesterday! Stupid, Paul! You stupid, stupid man! Letting a naked model open the door for you! How ignorant can you be?
Jessica would laugh at me if she were here, inside my mind, witnessing my dreadful thoughts. She would say "Paul, don't beat yourself up. You're only human, you're only a man. No matter what you say or think, you can't be perfect, you can't always please everyone. Take you as you are, I take you as you are." Would she say that now? Four hours from now will she still see me as a simple man and not as a conceited, complicated rock star? Good God, I hope so...Because more than ever in my life, never I have felt more as a man as I do now. This was life. Life no longer was layered with the photo shoots and the sold out concerts and the millions of people screaming their love for me. Real life, true reality, based itself on this day. Not only was our relationship on the line, so was my heart, my soul. She was my soul. Why didn't I ever tell her that? And if I did tell her that, would she listen? Would it change her mind?
Fatigue settled, not enough to let me rest, though. For the next three and half hours I dazed into the colorful screen of the television, sitting, waiting, wishing. Praying until God got fed up with my my pleas. God can't be here right now. This was about freewill and God, to my despair, cannot control freewill. Everyone knows that. Even I know that.
Finally, like waiting your turn for a doctors visit, ten-thirty rolled around and I laced my shoes, pushed on a pair of dark sunglasses and headed out the door. Jess would not be thrilled with my dark shades I knew. If she couldn't see my eyes, she wouldn't talk. Still, I chose them, I had to. The world had no right to look through me. It was dooms day.
Jessica was already waiting at one of the small, round tables in the far corner of the outside dining room. She modeled how I felt: tired, lost and anxious. Looking up at me through long, feathery eyelashes as I sat down, Jess gave me the weakest, most untrue smiles I have ever seen on her bubbly lips. I'm sure my smile reflected her own. For the longest moment we didn't speak, only glanced every now and again at each other to look away back to the ground. Finally, she broke the deafening silence.
"Bono," She started.
I stopped her. "Great, Bono. A crowded surrounding and now Bono."
"Hush, will ya? And take off your sunglasses, I can't stare into a dark black surface of nothingness."
Twitching my lips, I tried not to chuckle. See, told you she would tell me to remove them and I did so willingly, folding them over the neck of my shirt. She didn't need to tell me to look at her, her body language said it all and I met her honey, brown eyes. Wow, she looked older. Not in the way you're thinking. I mean older, an eighty year old trapped inside a young woman, forcing herself out from behind those bloodshot eyes. She had been crying. For how long? No. I don't want to know. My heart was sinking enough as it is.
"Bono," She said again, the one word making me wince. "I have something that is rightfully yours."
Oddly, I stared at her as she reached into her purse, pulling out, slowly, two large stacks of...oh shit! My letters! How did she get my letters? Edge! It had to be Edge! I'm going to kill that Welsh the minute I leave this place! Without saying a word, Jess laid the papers in the middle of the table and exhaled.
"Where did you get those?" I asked, finding my voice.
"Olivia."
Ok, sorry Edge.
"What?"
Jessica nodded. "Olivia. We met up about a week ago. Edge gave her my number and...next thing you know we're face to face. She's a nice girl, Bono. I was actually really surprised to find her so down to earth."
Olivia was the last thing I wanted to discuss. I could care less about her.
"Four-hundred and sixty-three letters." Jess breathed slowly. "You wrote me more letters than I wrote you. And I've read every single one, twice. Some select few I've read all day and night."
"Really? Wow. Erm...what did you think?"
Sniffling, Jess smiled her unwanted tears away. "They're beautiful, I'll admit."
"But?" I asked.
"But you never sent them. To me, it was more like reading journal entries than love letters. And I don't feel right keeping them."
Nodding out of habit, I shifted nervously in my seat, debating on whether or not to reach across and take her hands. She must have read my mind because before I could make a move, her fingers entwined mine. Both of us stared at our hands, an awkward silence thickening the New York air like the many fumes of pollution. From the study in her eyes, I knew Jessica was pondering her mind for the right words to say.
Just say you love me! Please, for the sake of our sanity, just say that you love me! Say that you never want to let me go! That you can't live without me! God, girl, I can't live without you!
"I read one of your letters last night." Jessica recalled. "And I actually have the whole thing memorized but there's only part that really stuck out. And when I think of you, my heart breaks all over again. I can't even imagine what you're going through, what kind of pain your enduring because of me. I feel horrible, like dirt on the side of the road when I think of your feelings or read your painful letters. There are not enough hours in the world to make up to you for what I've done. I just hope and pray that I at least have the blessing of your forgiveness someday even though I don't deserve it." She recited. I knew the words well. That letter was one of the very few that I set to memory. Staring into my hazy gaze, Jessica shook her head. "You don't need to ask for forgiveness. I forgave you years ago, I just never told you. We're both guilty of unsaid words and neglected apologies and excuses. We're not made of God-like features, Bono. I'm just as much to blame as you are. I should have told you to get rid of Olivia when you granted me with the option. Like a stupid, blind woman I went against it."
Was she saying what I hoped she was saying?
"So...that means what...exactly?" My voice sounded pathetically pleading.
Bringing the back of my hand to her forehead, Jessica sucked in a deep breath, her face turning an odd shade of scarlet, her lips trembling, her eyes teary and...sorry?
"It means," She choked. "It means that we had our chance. And we blew it."
No. No! NO, NO, NO! I beg of you, God, don't let this happen! Take my fame, take my money, take my songs but DO NOT TAKE THIS GIRL AWAY FROM ME! Don't you see I need her? I can't breathe! She is my oxygen! DO NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!
"Jessica, please, baby don't do this." I leaned into the table, taking her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me and only me. "I've made mistakes, I've fucked up, I know. Don't say this is over. Don't do this to us. I-Need-You! I love you!"
"Paul," She cried, snapping her head, trying to look away but when I wouldn't allow it, she placed her fingertips on my hands and held them. "I'm sorry. When I saw Olivia and the look on her face, I saw myself six years ago. She really, honestly loves you. Of all the pain I felt, all the endless nights of crying and hours of tossing and turning until the morning, I could never imagine putting someone else through that. I wouldn't be able to be with you, to love you the way you deserve to be loved, if I knew that there was a girl out there going through what I went through for six years. I can't do that, Bono! I can't let her cry, let her feel like a piece of herself is missing for the rest of her life. Do you understand?"
"No!" I said, my tone shocking even myself. "She doesn't love me! Why don't you see that?"
"You don't see it. I knew that look in her eyes, Bono. She may not always tell you how much she loves you but she does. And, in all fairness, who am I to take that away from her? It's selfish, it's...it's wrong."
"Goddamn it, don't do this! What about you? What do you want?"
"It's not about me," Jessica was crying now, her words coming out in heaps through sobs. "I'm making my choice and my answer is no. Get married, Bono. Go to Olivia and marry her like you promised you would. Don't break another girls heart. I'll survive. I survived this long, I can carry on. I'm strong enough. This is all I ask of you, sweetheart. All I'm asking is for you to move on, to start a family, to start a life outside of fame. We had our chance and we lost it."
This could not be happening! This is a joke! In a few minutes, her eyes will brighten with laughter and she'll say that she was just kidding, that Olivia was not the one for me, she was. Right? RIGHT?
"What about me?" I asked in a near whisper. "What about what I want?"
"I'm not giving you a choice, Bono."
"Why are you doing this to me? Damn, girl, you're killing me."
Both in tears, Jess swallowed hard and kissed my fingers and wrists, talking amongst my skin. "I'm sorry. It's just...this is how it's going to have to be. You know I'll always love you, more than I'll ever love another man. No one can compare to you. And if fate gives us another chance, only then will I know that we are truly meant to be together."
"Why can't we be together now?"
"Don't make this any harder, Bono. Just let me go. Let me let go of you once and for all."
Surrendering, I dried her tears away and forced a smile. She stood up, gathering her things. Stopping her, I handed her my letters, brushing her hair through my fingers, admiring the soft strands while I could.
"I want you to keep these." I told her. "They should have been yours the whole time. And while you're here, I just want to apologize for everything. I apologize for never being there when you needed me. I apologize for all the hurt I caused you and all the embarrassment I've put on you. But I also want you to know that everything I did, I did because I love you."
She took the letters and held them to her chest, her sight stuck on my face. Was she making a memory? Did she want to remember this moment for the rest of her life? Every detail, every line, every blink of an eye? I know I did. Implanted forever in the pit of my heart was a picture of her hair blowing steadily in the breeze, falling across her nose and forehead. I noted the way her eyes reflected the sky, how her skin glowed like a morning dove. Everything about her was beautiful. Nothing would ever change that.
Taking my chances, I cupped the side of her face and pulled her in for one last kiss. Not pulling away, she kissed back, running the tip of her tongue over my teeth and the roof my mouth. Her shoulders felt fragile under my arms, her body warm. Still in lip lock, I felt her tracing my forehead, eyebrows, eyelids and nose before reaching my cheeks and neck. Pulling away only slightly, she mumbled against lips.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out for us."
Rubbing her cheek with the pad of my thumb, I could only nod and inhale sharply as she caressed my lips and rested her forehead on mine. Tears ran down my face and I didn't bother to do anything about it. All I could concentrate on was the girl in front of me and the pain of never being able to wake up next to her, safely snuggled in my arms, protected from the cruel bite of this fucked up world.
"I love you, girl." I promised. "With every breath I take I will love you more and more."
"I know," She said back. "I love you, too. Take care of yourself."
"You, too, sweetheart."
And like the winds of the city, she was gone, disappearing down the block, out of sight, out of my life.
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life...
For how long did I stand in the very spot, dazing out towards the direction she left I do not know. How many people stared at me like I was a mad man I do not care. She was gone. Gone. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, stabbed me over and over until I bled what was left of my broken heart. Gone. Gone. No matter how many times I myself that, it didn't hurt any less or hurt any more. It was a steady fact, a horrifying truth. She was gone.
Walking back to the studio, I was already four hours late for recording. When I entered the room, my three band mates, who were talking amongst each other and turning their instruments, froze like statues, six pairs of eyes gawking at the sight of me. Larry, ever being the man of silence, spoke up first.
"Where have you been? You were supposed to be here at eight! We had to reschedule the producers for next week. Next week, Bono!"
I couldn't speak. Edge met my eyes and I glared into his. This was all his fault. He gave Olivia Jessica's number, he knew that Olivia would make her feel guilty, he knew that she would give her those letters! He knew it all along! Dashing towards the guitarist, taking him off guard, I slammed him against the glass of the recording room, pushing him again and again, crying and yelling at the top of my lungs.
"This is all your fault! You fucking bastard! You bloody, selfish man! This is all your fault! Why did you give her Jessica's number? Why?"
Wide eyed, Edge raised his hands at his chest, not hitting back or even attempting to stop me. Larry and Adam came up from behind me, locking my arms behind my back and my knees buckled from under me. Falling to the floor, dragging my two mates down with me, I bawled like I've never bawled before. Edge kneeled down, hugging me and I buried my face into his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. All around me were the arms of my three best friends, my band mates, my brothers. Now I remembered why we've stuck together for so long. Not only did we support each other in music, we supported each other in life, too. And at this time in my life, I needed them like I needed air.
Jessica's P.O.V.
"You're really going back?" Brooke asked me as we taped up another box full of my belongings. "You're really leaving the city?"
"Yes, I have to." I told her, holding back the tears. "I can't stay here anymore. Not with him only ten minutes away. I need a break. I need some fresh air."
Folding my clothes into another box, Brooke packed away my shoes and sheets. For over five hours now we've been going from room to room, wrapping drinking glasses in newspaper and taking down curtains and paintings and decorations. The apartment was stripped naked, looking plain and ugly compared to how it used to be. We had gotten a lot done, every room besides the bedroom forced from their place and stuffed away into hundreds of boxes.
There was a knock at the door and Brooke and I stopped dead in our tracks, looking up at one another. Reading my eyes, Brooke nodded and pushed herself up from the floor to answer. Continuing on with my packing, Brooke came back a few seconds later with a very concerned looking Edge behind her. I smiled a fake smile towards him and Brooke left the room, leaving me and the musician for privacy.
Edge sat down beside me on the floor, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, the side of his head on mine. Throwing my arms around his middle, I sunk my face into the hallow of his neck and let loose all my backed up sorrows. Moving so that we were encircled in each others embrace, it seemed like we stayed that way for hours. For all I know, I did cry for hours. Time was irrelevant to me now. Nothing was important anymore. I had set free the most important person in my life, the only man I had ever loved. It was like a part of my soul was gone, like I was no longer whole...not even half.
When my sobs subsided, Edge and I were spread out on the floor, my head resting on his flat stomach, his fingers twirling my hair soothingly. Brooke must have went out for a bit because the apartment was dead quiet aside from the sounds of the city outside. Staring up at Edge, he flashed me a tiny grin.
"Can we take a walk?" I asked. "I need to gaze upon the city on last time."
After leaving a note for Brooke, Edge and I walked hand in hand throughout the city. Night had presented itself and the Hudson River lost it's color, turning into waves of black, reflecting the city lights upon it's jagged surface. In the distance was Lady Liberty, her torch high into the sky, lit up like a candle on steroids. Sitting down on a concrete bench, Edge didn't let go of my hand. This was, after all, our last night together too. Not only was I leaving Bono, I was leaving my best friends behind as well.
"Where are you going?" He asked softly.
I answered. "Home. I want to be with my mom. Isn't that funny? As a kid you can't wait to leave your parents. Now I need her more than ever."
"I understand. What are you going to do about work?"
"I talked to my boss. He's going to send photos to me through internet files and I can edit them from home. It's half the pay but," I shrugged. "I don't really care at this point. I just need to get away. This city holds too many memories. Going home won't be easy, either. But at least I can't walk out my door and be only blocks away from Bono."
"Are you doing alright?"
Shrugging again, I sighed. "I will be. Someday."
"Can I ask why?"
Thinking momentarily, I said. "Because I can't let her go through what I went through."
"Olivia?"
I nodded. "Is that stupid of me?"
"No," Edge assured, kissing the crown of my head. "That's brave. Fuck, I'm going to miss you, Jessica."
"We'll see each other again. You know me, I can't be away from the city forever. These lights, the sounds, the smells... it's all that I can't leave behind."
He hummed. "When are you leaving?"
"Well, with your help and Brooke's help, I'll be on the road tomorrow morning."
"At least let me rent you a U-Haul."
For the first time in days, I actually laughed and meant it.
The remaining of the night, Brooke, Edge and I finished packing, telling jokes and reciting memories to help take my mind off things. All in all, it wasn't working. Once again, I was running away from my past, my troubles. Sometimes, the option left is to runaway. Around three a.m. the three of us slept out on the living room floor, Edge and Brooke on either side of me. I set my alarm for eight so that Edge could call the U-Haul company. Brooke was fast asleep, her snores quiet and constant. Edge and I were wide awake, lying on our backs, our hands underneath our heads.
"Should I tell Bono that you're leaving?" He whispered in the dark.
"It doesn't matter. He'll find out sooner or later."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Larry and Adam will be sad that you left without saying goodbye."
A tear slid down my cheek. "Tell them I'm sorry and that I send them my love."
"I will. Now try to get some sleep, Jess. You have a long day ahead of you."
Curling against his body, I finally drifted off, Edge's breathing coaxing me into a dreamless sleep.
At eight exactly, the alarm on my phone woke me up and I nudged Edge awake so he could make the call. Brooke was gone, walking through the door fifteen minutes later with three cups of Starbucks coffee. After a few minutes Edge appeared in the living room, his eyes droopy, adjusting the black beanie on his head. Bless his heart. He didn't have to do all of this for me...
"U-Haul will be here in fifteen minutes. Let's start moving this stuff downstairs into the lobby."
We made numerous trips from my apartment to the lobby, stacking the boxes near the door. I decided to leave the furniture where it was except for my computer desk. I had a bed back home, and an entertainment center and bookshelves. No point in making poor Edge drag the heavy furniture across the complex. Picking up the last box out of my room, I carried it to the door and turned to look at the apartment one last time.
Strange to think that only a few months ago I was hating on this apartment, treating it more as a prison than a home. Now, there was an empty pit in my stomach at the sight of the four walls, the tiny kitchen and cozy living room. I had spent my four years of studying college here, Brooke and I formed memories of bunking together in the single bedroom, sharing the same bathroom until she could afford her own place. My past lingered here. Bono and I made love here. Bono paid for this place. Yet, another reason to leave the city...
Closing the door behind me, I walked down the flight of stairs and Edge and Brooke were throwing the boxes into the large U-Haul. Handing in my keys to the land lord, we bid each other farewell before I left to help my friends. Once everything was stacked into the U-Haul, which was already attached to my rental car, Edge and Brooke stood before me, gloomy and speechless.
"Guys, come on. It's really not that bad. We'll keep in touch." I promised, taking Brooke first into my arms. Her grip about suffocated me but I didn't mind. She was the hardest to leave behind. "Thanks for being such a great friend. I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through."
Crying, Brooke laughed. "Shit? Come on, now. There's only one person I would walk through Hell with. Have a safe drive home. Call me when you get there."
"I will. Good luck with Larry."
"Thank you. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you."
"Everything happens for a reason."
Pulling away, I turned to Edge who was watching me and Brooke. Spreading his arms wide open, I rushed into them instantly, sobbing into his neck, kissing his cheeks and forehead. God, this was hard! I didn't want to leave them! Still, I had to. I needed to find myself again.
"You're an angel, Edge. There are no words to express how thankful I am to have you in my life."
"Same here." He said, taking my face in his palms and kissing me softly on the forehead. "Take care. And, like I'm always telling you, if you ever need anything, and I mean ANYTHING-"
I interrupted him. "I know, I know. Don't hesitate to call. The same goes for you, though. Actually, keep in touch, will ya? Just don't mention anything to Bono. Don't...you know, tell me anything about him and vise-versa."
Edge nodded. "Of course."
With one arm around the both of them, we walked to the car in slow-mo and Edge opened the door for me. Before getting in, I hugged Brooke again and kissed Edge goodbye. Edge shut the door and I smiled at them. "I love you, guys."
"We love you," Brooke said back.
"Well,." I sighed. "See ya."
Starting up the car, I rolled down the busy streets of New York, gazing back at my two friends in the reflection of the side-view mirror, Edge's arm around Brooke, both waving sadly as I drove away. Traffic went fast and I did everything to distract the reality of the New York skyline disappearing from eye's reach in the rear view mirror. Alone now, free from the city, I looked over into the passengers seat, Bono's letters sitting in a skewed pile next to me.
"I love you," I said aloud, hoping, in some way or another, that he could hear me.
Song's are "Ultra-violet Light my Way" by ours truly
and "She's out of my life" Michael Jackson's version cause he sings it the best!
silllliieeessss they love eachother whhyyy do that!? 
;;
)
Aaaaggg...why is she doing that?? Why can't she forget about Olivia? Bono fell in love with her (Jess) first and always loved her. On the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter, I hope she goes back to Bono. It's gotta be a happy ending, right?
I try. hahah! you achieved in corrupting me, it's only polite to return the favor. 
, your soulmate no less, well SCREW THAT CRAP
then and hold on tight to your love 
