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Old 03-13-2019, 03:54 PM   #221
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anxiety fucking sucks. sending best wishes and love your way cobbs
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Old 03-13-2019, 07:04 PM   #222
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Thanks everyone I'm good, and I've been good for a long time. I think yesterday was just the day where everything came to a head and I lost it, which was therapeutic. It was a good way to end a pretty bad day. Don't be worrying about me, I'm safe and good.

Waking up to see all these nice words was really nice

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Originally Posted by djerdap View Post
Stay safe, Cobbler. Don't get the anxious bastards grind you down.

I was crying pretty hard listening to and watching One, if I'd listened to this, I might have dehydrated myself.

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Be well.
Keep your girlfriend close, don't rely on the wine, and if you really need to cry,
 
put on Get Out of Your Own Way, thinking about how the band you/we all love became that is enough to make anybody cry.
I relied on the wine last night but I'm hyper aware of my patterns and knew I was doing it to help. I'll spend a few days not drinking now to make up for it. And lol on your spoiler.

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Hang in there, bud. I've also used their music as a balm when I've had physical or mental ailments, and I know we felt the power together at that JT show on multiple occasions.
Thanks man.

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Cobbz, I am sending you my support. I have been diagnosed with OCD, and it has been particularly bad the past few weeks too. That's wonderful that you have so many tools to keep yourself out of the grips of anxiety, but yeah, it's only human to fall apart once in awhile. Glad U2 and your lovely girlfriend could be there for you.

With modern U2, Lights of Home gets me in the mood to cry, as does Iris. Seems like U2 has a song for any occasion, except maybe getting krunk in da club. Hang in there, Pappy!
Thanks HG and wishing you a lot of strength in this time as well. I don't have OCD but there are definitely OCD tendencies in the way my anxiety manifests sometimes. I really liked your line 'it's only human to fall apart once in a while'. That was nice.

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Echoing the support. Anxiety is the fucking worst.

It's great to find that joy again. The past few years, I've found myself not enjoying music like I had in the past - even the stuff I loved wasn't really igniting that spark.

It's finally recently started to come back - not sure if it's a shift in my work stress (finally on an upswing, yay), or my recent increase in daily meds, or a combination of both, but I fell like I'm finally *getting it* again.

(I've also found the sweet spot in my weekend recreational activities, where half an indica joint + wine = the absolute sweet spot of relaxation and enjoying music. But I usually have to avoid U2, as every song has just too many memories tied to it, and I'll focus too much on that stuff instead of just enjoying the music. But the joy is in my everyday moments of hearing music as well, so I'm thankful to realize it's not a crutch!)

Hang in there. Having a loved one who provides the perfect support goes a looooong way.
Thanks Cori. And yeah I've had a similar thing happen to me with music. Mostly that because I'm largely happy and stable, I don't need to seek as much comfort in sad music as I once did, which ironically makes me sad
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Old 03-13-2019, 08:52 PM   #223
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My best thoughts to you Cobbler. I used to get panic attacks that were 100% related to my work at the time and it was awful. I hope you get back to the good place quickly.
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Old 03-14-2019, 12:32 AM   #224
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Since we're sharing, I felt like typing something up about my experiences with music and mental illness.

So, simply put, I've had panic attacks since I was about 10 that were tied to respiratory issues at the time. I always thought I was about to die and it got me pretty down for a long time. I was a very lonely kid, homeschooled in a small rural town and I didn't understand a lot about myself at that age. I had a safe but utterly miserable childhood. The only things in life that I actually enjoyed were cartoons and music, which are both still up there on a long list of favorite things.

The band I perhaps attach most closely to depression is not U2 but Steely Dan. They're one of my dad's all-time favorite bands and I as hard as I've tried to reclaim the album, I still associate vinyl spins of Aja with clouds of melancholy that when I was like 10 that I thought would never go away. Any Major Dude Will Tell You, from Pretzel Logic, has been a part of my life for so long that it almost works as a mantra. I have so much love for that track and it got me through many long nights when I felt the demon was at my door. Years of listening to them in LA has changed my perspective on the band a bit, but a few things I just can't shake.

About 6 months before I signed up for Interference, early 2004, my panic attacks got really bad. I still have a distinct memory of lying on the floor at a youth group, unable to breathe, surrounded by people I wish were my friends but ultimately couldn't connect with. My parents were and remain very religious, so counseling and medication were not options at the time. They'd rather take me to an exorcist.

Around that time, I started experiencing feelings of disconnection that weren't figurative. I actually felt quite distant from and alien to my surroundings, like a constant fog that would last for a day or more. I didn't know what this was at the time and neither did my parents. Turns out this was the beginning of a very real trauma disorder called depersonalization or derealization disorder that is a common symptom for people who experience panic attacks on a regular basis. It's like a shield that goes up when things are too hard to deal with. The problem is that, when you become aware of it, the anxiety surrounding the sensation can cause it to go on for much longer.

In 2009 and 2017, I had perhaps my worst bouts of it, maybe 1 or 2 months gone from each of those years. I couldn't feel much of anything outside of anxiety and irritation that whole time, peaking with an anxiety attack so bad that I thought it would never stop. One of these periods
was because of a bad drug experience and the other was just lifestyle changes that were tough to cope with. The primary solutions to these bouts are to just keep your routine, exercise self care and find time to experience emotion.

So that's where music comes in for me. When I'm at my best, I still experience very sublime feelings in response to my favorite music. When that stops, I know something is wrong and I take steps to address those issues. I've always been very comfortable showing emotion and I'll often do what Cobbler did, simply sitting down with an album and crying all that shit out. It's a great way for me to connect with the self that I have cultivated and set out to be. I like the emotional, extroverted and ambitious person that I've become, even with all of my struggles.

One really nice thing about depersonalization is that, when it's over, the feeling comes back strong. I remember driving back from work a couple years ago after a particularly trying day and listening to Yes' Fragile on my stereo. That's been a favorite of mine since I was 13 and, as silly and over the top as Roundabout is, the sheer joy I felt listening to that after weeks of feeling nothing but negativity was profound. It was like being able to use an appendage that had gone dead. I sobbed with a smile on my face until I finally had to go back to my apartment. Within a week or two, I was completely back to normal.

I think a big part of maturation is being honest with yourself about what you need and what you don't. I lived a very solitary life for a long time, but that's not what I needed to be doing. I love meeting new people and creating stuff and connecting with the world around me. I get depressed without that kind of engagement. It occurred to me the other day that I have never lived alone in my entire life; I've gone from my parents' home to my in-laws' home to my own household with Ashley. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. In my case, that's fortunate.

I started seeking counseling for all this shit a while ago, but it's been nearly 3 years since I stopped taking Lexapro. 18 months on that was enough for me to establish my own beneficial routine. I don't go allow any creative dry spells. I make it a point to go spend time with friends at least once every other week, usually involving drunken karaoke. I also just started a new job as an instructional assistant and find that it ticks a lot of boxes for me personally. Of course the homeschooled kid wound up wanting to be a teacher.

It's been almost 15 years since I signed up for Interference and I suppose it goes without saying that it inadvertently opened up the greatest opportunities of my life so far, a life which frankly started off pretty badly. I'm not that scared of getting older because there's still so much room for me to improve. And I know that music will continue to stay with me because it was a big part of getting me here.
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Old 03-14-2019, 12:46 AM   #225
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I know that disconnected feeling all too well, though I've been lucky to never have it as bad as you.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:05 AM   #226
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Yeah it's really bad when it lingers too long, but I've tried to have a better attitude about it as of late. Sometimes it's easy to think of your brain as your enemy when things aren't working right, but in this case it's actually looking out for me. Just being a little overzealous about it.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:15 AM   #227
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I'm glad you are in such a good headspace, Cobbs. Everything you described sounds healthy to me.

I feel like I may be on the verge of something really negative, myself, and I'm trying to be aware of it and stop it before it happens. I've enjoyed working for the same employer for over three years. They've become a second family, and while there has certainly been some shitty shit, in the end, I want to keep working there, but unfortunately with the UFC signing with ESPN, it's caused a shuffle for outside vendors, and my employers are no longer sure if they will be able to stay in business, so they completely shuttered Post Production, where I work. I've been on maternity leave all this time, so it's been ok, but I have to go back to work now and I had to settle for a job that's a few steps back. It's hurting me emotionally, which I know is just pride, and financially, which is a serious stressor.

On top of all this, I also have diagnosed OCD and have had this weird problem with my throat for over a month now. I feel really trapped, as a result, like I can't get myself to mentally work out how I feel about Going to work, sending my daughter to day care and the blow to my ego, plus leaving the job I loved. So, I'm trying to keep perspective. Talking to people about how I feel has been great. I'll be ok after a little while, I know, but I think we all know it can be tough. And to tie that back to music, I've been saying for years now how sad I've been about how little time I have for it now. I try to squeeze it in as much as possible, but I'm finding a newfound excitement in teaching songs to my kid. She's too young to appreciate certain things, obviously, but she loves "Alright for Now" by Tom Petty and "Blackbird" and we play a game to Queen's "Bicycle Race" (a song I never gave a thought to before, but is now my most-played track of the year) and it's a nice new musical journey.
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Old 03-14-2019, 07:34 AM   #228
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Glad everyone is figuring out how to deal with things. Most important thing is to not keep them bottled up, talk to someone whether It be your spouse/significant other or a professional or just someone who's a good listener.

As for music and infants, its definitely fun/interesting. My son was born in 2004. We had a few kid music type CDs (stuff where they sing about animals and numbers and such) that we'd play on the stereo for him. We had a 5 CD deck at the time and when HTDAAB came out I was listening to it on headphones one night, left the disc in, along with 4 of the kid's discs.
Next day when I was at work my wife put stereo on for son, Vertigo came on. He liked it so wife left it playing and for a time was art of rotation with his kid music. Going forward my son would crack a smile whenever he heard the opening notes and Bono's fuzzy math on radio or wherever.
 
The downside is when a Blue Oyster Cult CD gets stuck in the wife's car CD player and your 3-4 year old insists on hearing Don't Fear the Reaper over and over again for a period of several months. I can't listen to that song anymore, kind of like my Jump incident back in the 80's. Backstory is my son got a stuffed Gund beaver on his first Christmas from my sister which became his security animal that he slept with and would carry everywhere. When she gave it to him I remarked that it kind of looked like Godzilla minus the dorsal plates, we'd joke to him when he was a baby "where's your Godzilla" and of course the name stuck. (Its funny to see the reaction of an older woman at a store asking a toddler what his stuffed animal's name is and the kid replying "Godzilla") So to add to it we'd sometimes sing a few bars of BOC's Godzilla. One day got the notion to spend 6 bucks or whatever on BOC's greatest hits so we could play the full song for him. He ends up taking to Don't Fear the Reaper instead. Would ask when we got in the car for "Reaper" then say "again" repeatedly...and wouldn't you know it, disc got jammed in the player. Traded that car in 3 years ago with that disc still stuck in the CD player.
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Old 03-14-2019, 07:41 AM   #229
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Did he also ask for more cowbell when that song was playing?
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Old 03-14-2019, 07:44 AM   #230
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Did he also ask for more cowbell when that song was playing?
If only.
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Old 03-14-2019, 08:35 AM   #231
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This has been the place for good serious posts lately hasn't it. Solidarity to everyone.

I've been emotionally up and down my whole life. Some periods of sustained satisfaction; some of significant depression - my ridiculous post count is thanks to the Superthread keeping me going in the worst two years through friendship and good company. The constant quality for me is music. Without doing so consciously, the music I listen to soundtracks my emotions very well. If you are ever wondering how I am doing, checking my last.fm might be more revealing than asking me directly.

I've always related to this Steven Wilson quote: "Melancholic music is very uplifting. Why? Because it’s a shared experience." I think that's my approach to music most of the time - what I am listening to helps articulate how I feel and shares in it. It's a way of not being alone. To take another quote, I've always latched on to the lyric from Turnover's song "New Scream" that asks "am I the only one? Is this in all of us?" It's a simple lyric, yet it captures so much of why I listen to metal, punk, and emo. I was in a very dark place in December and early January, and the only solace was to listen to really intense sludge metal, emoviolence, and similar at a loud volume. Now, when I listen to it, I just cannot relate to most of the songs on nearly the same level even though I like them, because I am in a different headspace now. I wish I could express to some musicians just how essential their music has been to creating a sense of fellow-feeling at times when I wondered if I could even step outside or if preparing a meal was worth the bother.

The coma, I must say, is one of the best things that has happened for my mental health. It's surreal really. I had an absolutely punishing work situation beforehand, which I won't detail, but my mental health was completely shattered and I felt utterly hopeless about ever achieving anything meaningful. Recovering from the coma, however, has attainable goals and clear progression - breathing independently, picking up objects, resuming my writing, learning to walk again, flying home to Australia, regaining strength to cook for myself, shopping independently, resuming work on a limited basis (two weeks ago), starting to run a little bit again (this week). And the people at work have been sensational. Besides their readiness to accommodate my resumption of employment on a gradual basis, the things that loomed over me and destroyed my mental health have now been postponed. I will have to tackle them eventually, my career depends upon it, but I now know what I will be up against. I am exploring options to make sure that I can tackle it in a better state of mind and hopefully avoid what happened before the coma.

People are stunned. They say that I look better physically and seem happier now than I did before the coma. I think they expected me to be weak, morose, unhappy, or sickly. I'm invigorated and cheerful; I have things I want to do, places I want to see, people whose company I want to enjoy before I'm eventually taken. And my music is reflecting that. It helps push me on each day. Metric's "Now or Never Now" has been an anthem. Westkust's "Rush" is a new, exhilarating release; the whole album is, but that song is special. Before the coma I sometimes killed conversations with people, no matter how much I liked them, because I figured that if I talked to somebody too much they would grow to dislike me. I kept most people at arm's length, again on the "under no condition should you ever let them know the real you" principle. But I've been touched, almost overcome, by how many people actually seem to prefer me sticking around, and against all of my instincts I've been trying to deepen those bonds and solidify those friendships. One person in particular - a month ago she was an acquaintance I respected but knew poorly, and now she is a friend so close I can scarcely imagine it otherwise.

Anyway, that's some meditations on the value of music combined with a health update. Cheers everyone, this place of course has been so very much to me for years.
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Old 03-14-2019, 09:09 AM   #232
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Glad everyone is figuring out how to deal with things. Most important thing is to not keep them bottled up, talk to someone whether It be your spouse/significant other or a professional or just someone who's a good listener.

As for music and infants, its definitely fun/interesting. My son was born in 2004. We had a few kid music type CDs (stuff where they sing about animals and numbers and such) that we'd play on the stereo for him. We had a 5 CD deck at the time and when HTDAAB came out I was listening to it on headphones one night, left the disc in, along with 4 of the kid's discs.
Next day when I was at work my wife put stereo on for son, Vertigo came on. He liked it so wife left it playing and for a time was art of rotation with his kid music. Going forward my son would crack a smile whenever he heard the opening notes and Bono's fuzzy math on radio or wherever.
 
The downside is when a Blue Oyster Cult CD gets stuck in the wife's car CD player and your 3-4 year old insists on hearing Don't Fear the Reaper over and over again for a period of several months. I can't listen to that song anymore, kind of like my Jump incident back in the 80's. Backstory is my son got a stuffed Gund beaver on his first Christmas from my sister which became his security animal that he slept with and would carry everywhere. When she gave it to him I remarked that it kind of looked like Godzilla minus the dorsal plates, we'd joke to him when he was a baby "where's your Godzilla" and of course the name stuck. (Its funny to see the reaction of an older woman at a store asking a toddler what his stuffed animal's name is and the kid replying "Godzilla") So to add to it we'd sometimes sing a few bars of BOC's Godzilla. One day got the notion to spend 6 bucks or whatever on BOC's greatest hits so we could play the full song for him. He ends up taking to Don't Fear the Reaper instead. Would ask when we got in the car for "Reaper" then say "again" repeatedly...and wouldn't you know it, disc got jammed in the player. Traded that car in 3 years ago with that disc still stuck in the CD player.
I love everything about this except that I'm sad you can't enjoy the majesty of Don't Fear the Reaper.
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Old 03-14-2019, 09:23 AM   #233
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I love everything about this except that I'm sad you can't enjoy the majesty of Don't Fear the Reaper.
I'll live. Always preferred Godzilla anyway.

And my son's Godzilla is available for viewing here in the consolidated photos thread, he's in pic 2 and pic 5 of mine. That animal has been on most every ride at Disney
 
my favorite was the first time we took my son on Thunder Mountain, I think he was about 6, the attendant told him he had to put Godzilla in the mesh basket at the front of the seating area. After the ride asked my son how he liked it he said "it was a little fast, but at least Godzilla was safe"
, seen countless movies and all kinds of other experiences.
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Old 03-14-2019, 09:26 AM   #234
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I'm looking forward to finding out what adventures her Pikachu stuffed animal is going to go on now.
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Old 03-14-2019, 09:30 AM   #235
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I'm looking forward to finding out what adventures her Pikachu stuffed animal is going to go on now.
It'll be fun.
On one vacation I sent my brother and his wife a daily photo diary of Godzilla at various tourist attractions, restaurants etc.
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Old 03-14-2019, 10:01 AM   #236
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It'll be fun.
On one vacation I sent my brother and his wife a daily photo diary of Godzilla at various tourist attractions, restaurants etc.
If you'll momentarily indulge me. I don't think I ever shared a pic of her with my Interference only peeps
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:40 AM   #237
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If you'll momentarily indulge me. I don't think I ever shared a pic of her with my Interference only peeps
 
She's adorable (and Pikachu's not too bad either), huge expressive eyes.
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:42 AM   #238
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She's adorable (and Pikachu's not too bad either), huge expressive eyes.
thank you . Yep, my mom calls her Bright Eyes, which is amusing, since I strongly dislike that band, lol.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:15 PM   #239
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The downside is when a Blue Oyster Cult CD gets stuck in the wife's car CD player and your 3-4 year old insists on hearing Don't Fear the Reaper over and over again for a period of several months. I can't listen to that song anymore, kind of like my Jump incident back in the 80's. Backstory is my son got a stuffed Gund beaver on his first Christmas from my sister which became his security animal that he slept with and would carry everywhere. When she gave it to him I remarked that it kind of looked like Godzilla minus the dorsal plates, we'd joke to him when he was a baby "where's your Godzilla" and of course the name stuck. (Its funny to see the reaction of an older woman at a store asking a toddler what his stuffed animal's name is and the kid replying "Godzilla") So to add to it we'd sometimes sing a few bars of BOC's Godzilla. One day got the notion to spend 6 bucks or whatever on BOC's greatest hits so we could play the full song for him. He ends up taking to Don't Fear the Reaper instead. Would ask when we got in the car for "Reaper" then say "again" repeatedly...and wouldn't you know it, disc got jammed in the player. Traded that car in 3 years ago with that disc still stuck in the CD player.


Also, this forum could use more BOC talk. I got a cheap copy of the complete albums boxed set after Allen Lanier’s death and they really deserve more attention for their impressive body of work.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:30 PM   #240
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i LIVE for Naked Gun gifs!

It can be hard to share such deep shit, especially around mental health, but it makes me happy to see them. Obviously not happy people are struggling with mental health issues, but it's heartening to see society in general starting to realize that it's important to share this stuff and be okay to talk about it.
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