Faith And Forgiveness

[Gina Marie]

Sorry-this is tough for me to put into words. But how do you reconcile knowing that you're expected to forgive others, when people have done things to you that you can't see as forgivable?

I'm not talking about 'everyday type' of wrongs-it's very difficult for me to get so personal, but I mean for instance physical and or emotional abuse. I'd say one of my worst flaws is my inability to forgive. I mean, we ask God to forgive our sins, but then we don't forgive those of others? Isn't that wrong? And somehow the saying 'forgive but don't forget' seems very trite to me.

For me, forgiving means 'excusing' what someone has done, and I know in my head that's not true. It's like letting that person off the hook. But I know on the other hand it's healthy for your soul and peace of mind to do it. I've prayed for the strength to deal w/ all of this, and He sure HAS helped me.

I think of 'forgive them, for they know not what they do'-but people DO know just what they are doing in certain situations.

I'd appreciate anyone's opinion about this.

 

[foray]

Hi Gina Marie, I was cursorily surveying the forum and was about to leave until I had the feeling I ought to open this thread of yours.

Forgiveness to me is not excusing the person's behaviour. God didn't 'okay' Man's horrible deeds when He sent Jesus to pay for our sins, right? Forgiveness is as much about us freeing ourselves as it is freeing the other person, like you said in your post.

I have never hated anyone in my life. From young, I have been taught to substitute ill feelings with pity. That made it easier. I really ought to improve by replacing pity with love in turn, but haven't reached that level yet. Now that is hard.

foray

 

[adamswildhoney]

Very well said, Foray!

 

[Gina Marie]

Thanks Foray-yes, that is so true.

But it's so difficult to do when people have hurt you to the point that you have to struggle on an almost daily basis w/ these demons, and your self-esteem and self-confidence have been so shattered.

I know-you can't let it/them have the power over you. I actually can't believe I posted about this, but it was during a very difficult day, and everyone on this particular forum is so wonderful.

 

[oliveu2cm]

Hey Gina,

I've been thinking about this an awful lot and hoping someone else would reply since I think a few people out there are a lot smarter about this sort of thing than I am.

I'm trying to phrase an answer but nothing is coming out the way I want it to. I've been reading "What's So Amazing About Grace" and I urge you to pick it up, you may find an answer there.

I wish I could write more here but I'm facing a brick wall every time I try. And I know people out there can do better than me.. so I'm hoping they do.

 

[Lilly]

first off, foray, i don't know about pitying people. i guess for me it's ok to pity but offer help, but not just to pity.


second off, forgiveness is alwayus bouncing around my head. i've had some terrible tresspasses against me...i'm sure i've spoken about the time i was told i had no right to exist. and that i am still having troubles forgiving the person who delivered that to me.

there are others (well, one person) who has ruined me over and over again. and i think it's the same thing as you've got gina, my memory is fuzzy, but i think we've spoken of this.

forgiving has more to do with you than anyone else. it starts when you're ready for it to. and it's a long maze that we get entrenched in, but you know when you're out.

gina, feel free to email me at lillyu2@hotmail.com to get more deeply into this. i'm here whenever.

 

[foray]

If a person has a hard enough time forgiving, he can't be expected to pity and help straight away. So, pity is the first step.

foray

 

[hippy]

Well, I had a whole long response typed out to this...but something happened and I lost it. I was about my own personal experience and philosophy of forgiveness.

But the jist of it was that, in my opinion, forgiveness isn't about excusing what someone has done, it's really about asking God to help you see that there is something bigger than what has been done to you by that person.

In my opinion, God is the beginning of all forgiveness. I think it's just nearly impossible for us to do it by ourselves. But with His power we can get it right.

Hope that made a little sense.

 

[MissZooropa]

Interesting because I have a hard time forgiving too.

A question though. Do we have to forgive those who have hurt us even if they don't ask us to or regret what they've done?

I've come to that point in my "development" of myself that I can, most of the time, split the person from his acts. Don't really know how to explain it. I think it's something that comes to use when it's someone close to you. Maybe I can't forgive the act itself but still forgive the person behind the act.

For example my dad. He just left my mom and the way he handled it is beyond description and it hurt us all very deep. It will take a very long time before I can forgive him for that, if ever, but still he is my dad and I don't want him out of my life so therefor I have to "forgive" him. Hmm... but he wants me to forgive him so maybe it's not really seperating it after all. I just try harder ... *confused* this ave me something to think about...

Interesting anyway.

I do have one person that I honestly hate and that I never want to meet again. I feel ill just thinking of her and it's 13 years since I had anything to do with her. Just reading her name in the news....

 

[sulawesigirl4]

I wish I had some deep thoughts to share, but I'm afraid I don't. All I can come up with is that forgiveness is for ME, not the person who wronged me. It frees me from their power, even if they are far away and never will see me again. While I hate them and hold onto my anger, I am the one being hurt. When I forgive them, not condoning their actions but acknowledging the hurt they caused and then refusing to let it continue to control my life, I feel as though it heals me. That may make no sense. But I think that's the best I can verbalize it.

 

[Gina Marie]

While I hate them and hold onto my anger, I am the one being hurt. When I forgive them, not condoning their actions but acknowledging the hurt they caused and then refusing to let it continue to control my life, I feel as though it heals me.

Yes, this is SO true. But I think a huge barrier to this is when someone refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing in any way, and of course thus refuses to apologize or take any responsibility whatsoever. I've learned the hard way to cut people out of my life who treat me in such a way-and I know that my guard is always up because of it. It's just difficult for me to believe that God would expect me to completely forgive all of this.

It has controlled my life for a long time, but I'd like to think I've made some progress, thanks to my faith in God. And slowly having some faith in myself too.

But like the song says, some days are better than others...

 

[BAW]

But I think a huge barrier to this is when someone refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing in any way, and of course thus refuses to apologize or take any responsibility whatsoever. I've learned the hard way to cut people out of my life who treat me in such a way-and I know that my guard is always up because of it. It's just difficult for me to believe that God would expect me to completely forgive all of this.

This is the way I handle someone who has hurt me...one person in particular continues to deny the destruction she has brought to my family and continues to do so every time she walks through my door. She refuses to acknowledge that she and she alone is responsible for her behavior therefore feels she has nothing to admit to or apologize for. It consumed me for the past 4 years until I decided that my sanity meant more than holding a grudge. I cut her out of my life and other than the most basic social politeness, we have no relationship. I will not speak to her unless absolutely necessary and I will not allow her in my home. Sometimes that is the only way. I think God would like us to forgive people who have hurt us but I don't think He wants us to be doormats in the process, allowing the behavior to continue.

If someone wants my forgiveness and asks for it, that is a whole other story and I would be more than willing to forgive (but probably not forget) depending on how important the person was to me in the first place. I forgave my father for some pretty despicable things and it felt so good because having a Dad was more important to me than holding on to old hurts. It helped that he was willing to admit he hurt me and took full responsibility for his own behavior.

I don't know the details of your situation Gina Marie but I hope you find some peace in whichever way you decide to handle it.