The Gap

[Bonochick]

I use your jacket as a hiding place
Pull your hat down over my pale face
If I speak, my tongue will become a knife
So many bodies but no sign of life
Empty promises swapped for full glasses
Sincerity used to please the masses
My heels click out Morse code to the stars
The grainy screen turns into color bars
My eyes close before my head hits your lap
Bless your sweet heart for connecting the gap

 

[Cleasai]

 

[Mullen4Prez]

^^^^^ Cleasai What the hell is that ???

 

[ZeroDude]

Very nice poem although the narrative sortof wanders in the 4th to 8th lines and then returns, was probably done for rhyming purposes alone which ain't a good habit to get into imo other than that it's great and paints a very intimate picture

 

[Bonochick]

Thanks.

It may seem to wander, but it really doesn't for me because I see the whole picture in my mind...I see how it's set up to begin with. I envisioned a crowded room...a party. Granted, I usually write pieces a bit longer and am able to fill in more details...but I just felt like this one should be kept short.

 

[ZeroDude]

Fair play to ya, I just like to be constructive if I could level any criticism at all at the piece very well structured flows well so keep it up and rock on

 

[Bonochick]

Trust me, I appreciate constructive criticism...I don't get it a lot.