Series of poems...

[VertigoGal]

Okay, I'm new here, so be nice...constructive criticism is appreciated though! These are a series of poems I've written in the past month that are all sort of connected in theme. They're all somewhat autobiographical, although I swear I'm not a suicidal freak! I can be melodramatic when it comes to poetry...but anyway tell me what ya think...I think I'm too literal, I need to work on metaphors...I also seem like the victim in all my poems, which isn't the intent...

anyhoo:

WHAT'S YOUR NAME
Time
Only numbs us
Dull the pain
Fade the stain
Take this pill it goes away
A drop of rain
In the hurricane
For better or worse
What’s your name?

 

[VertigoGal]

PLAY THE GAME
Hello where are you
On the sofa a shit stain
Play the game
Play the game

Cold tiles a quiet place
Take a minute to find your feet
Trick or treat
Trick or treat

That looks like it hurts
In and out, swallow the stone
Pick up the phone
Godammit, pick up the phone.

Of course I hear you
Would you give me a sec
Something I gotta check
Just gotta check

Half empty or half full
It’s the line that’s moved you know
Yes I know
I know I know I know

Play the game
Play the game

 

[VertigoGal]

FURNITURE
Do the math
I know why you’re here
You wanna talk
No you don’t
I’m not for sale
Not like furniture
You can’t hold me for ransom
Or payback.



SWEET REVENGE
Revenge is so sweet
Till the satisfaction dissolves
Right there in your hands, acid on your tongue
And all you have left is the bitter taste of tears
Sliding from stony eyes
Tears gone undried, pain unsoothed
Cries gone unheard
An opened vein with no one to pick up the pieces
Let me open it one last time
In an empty room, so void of life yet
So full of regret
I’ll show them
Revenge is sweet

 

[VertigoGal]

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
Message in a bottle
Pour my soul in and twist the cap
Tightly tightly tighter still
Don’t want no memories floating back

Battered beneath violent waves
Smashed against sand and stone
Thrashed out of reach and I don’t mind
It’s nice to be alone

Been awhile since I turned her out
She cries out for me and I laugh
A shell now, only a vacant shell
Yet I don’t want her back

Caged, she explodes against cold glass
Whimpers, then dormant she falls
Someday someone will find her, set her free
If she’s even left at all

 

[VertigoGal]

TIDES
She was swept up in the moment
Something different, something new
A riptide carried her out to sea
And she let it cleanse her through

The foam was salty on her lips
But of bitterness there was none
A perverse sweetness, spinning head
One for all, and all for one

Now she’s washed up on a deserted beach
Betrayed by the pull of the moon
Its roar still echoes in her broken mind
And the salt it stings her wounds


I really need to stop using water as a metaphor...

 

[Mullen4Prez]

they all pretty good

 

[ZeroDude]

^
What he said I can't add much to that at all

 

[VertigoGal]

^^^

Awww come on, say SOMETHING at least! I need some constructive criticism, really

I don't wanna always write poems that are "pretty good" yknow?

I won't get my feelings hurt!

 

[Mullen4Prez]

Ok I HATE the first one and FURNITURE. I have a thing againist short poems.
Battered beneath violent waves
Smashed against sand and stone
Thrashed out of reach and I don’t mind
It’s nice to be alone
Those are my favourite lines

 

[ZeroDude]

^^^

Awww come on, say SOMETHING at least! I need some constructive criticism, really

I don't wanna always write poems that are "pretty good" yknow?

I won't get my feelings hurt!

Ok to be brutally honest the poem "Whats Your Name" comes across to me as poorly thought out with plenty of rhyming for the sake of rhyming also you could have been more descriptive and less abstract about the subject


OK "Play The Game"

On The Sofa A SHIT STAIN

IMo that is a lazy line you could use better words than that plus you you end couplets with same word on each line game, game, treat, treat etc. I really do not like that in poems again sort of
poetically lazy, the others I haven't went through in detail yet except "Tides" which I really quite like so there ya go

 

[Bonochick]

Battered beneath violent waves
Smashed against sand and stone
Thrashed out of reach and I don’t mind
It’s nice to be alone

Those are my favourite lines

I agree.

I also agree with what ZeroDude said.

Wow, between the two of you, you make it easy for me to reply.

 

[VertigoGal]

Thanks guys, now that was better.

I'm a little too stubborn to make changes to any of them right now, but I'll definitely keep in mind what you guys said next time I write. Thanks!

 

[VertigoGal]

hey guys, I'm entering in a poetry competition that i found out about at school cos theres a cash prize and im desperate

which of these do you think has any chance of winning anything?

 

[Mullen4Prez]

This one could have a chance
MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
Message in a bottle
Pour my soul in and twist the cap
Tightly tightly tighter still
Don’t want no memories floating back

Battered beneath violent waves
Smashed against sand and stone
Thrashed out of reach and I don’t mind
It’s nice to be alone

Been awhile since I turned her out
She cries out for me and I laugh
A shell now, only a vacant shell
Yet I don’t want her back

Caged, she explodes against cold glass
Whimpers, then dormant she falls
Someday someone will find her, set her free
If she’s even left at all

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Hi!

There are all very good.

I write too but I don't post because most here never respond to any of my postings........sometimes I wonder if I even exist......or if this site even exists.

Oh I did get a response only one time.......the thread was about U2 perhaps becoming too pricey.

Maybe I really don't belong here anyway.........I just don't seem to fit in around here....but that's life....you learn to live with it.

carol
wizard2c

 

[boriel]

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
Message in a bottle
Pour my soul in and twist the cap
Tightly tightly tighter still
Don’t want no memories floating back

Battered beneath violent waves
Smashed against sand and stone
Thrashed out of reach and I don’t mind
It’s nice to be alone

Been awhile since I turned her out
She cries out for me and I laugh
A shell now, only a vacant shell
Yet I don’t want her back

Caged, she explodes against cold glass
Whimpers, then dormant she falls
Someday someone will find her, set her free
If she’s even left at all

i like this one the best out of all of them. it really gives me a fantastic visual...emotionally tossed around in a sea of feelings. well done.