Reject

[Tania]

Reject

A wasteful emotion
A tender torment
That picks its moment
That knows the score
That tears the scar

And still I’m here

An expanse of time
A deadly ache
That exists in the soul
That tunnels within
That shows no mercy

And still I’m here

Watching

Knowing our lifetime meant nothing

 

[ZeroDude]

It's good but the very last line feels uncomfortable when read it just juts out at the end and it doesn't really add to the experience at all imo, anyway keep up the good work

 

[Tania]

Thanks, the whole poem actually annoys me as it is too "sing-songy" (if you know what I mean) and that was not what I was trying to convey.

Maybe the last line should be split into

Knowing

Our lifetime was nothing?

 

[ZeroDude]

^
Much better imo atleast I was of some sort of help