my sleep-deprived ramblings

[VertigoGal]

this isnt much of a poem, its just a stream of thoughts i wrote around six in the morning after not sleeping all night, listening to Lemon on repeat mind you. i almost feel embarrassed posting this here, but i have to know if anyone feels the same way i do. cos it feels like shit. so here goes

when i look at the sky
i feel so horribly small
i whisper outloud
to know that i even exist
its almost like a dream
we're all living with no choice
well thats the way itd seem
just going through the motions
phoning in emotions
drifting with the ocean
i try not to think about these things
but they just wont go away
i try to live in today
but tomorrows ever looming
and as much as i dread it
i treasure its prescence
knowing one day there will be no tomorrow
and its an idea i cant comprehend
seeing all these people living all the same
pawns in some twisted game
have their souls been tamed?
not me
its always lurking in my mind
with every laugh it rears its head
beats my joy into submission
with every tear it comes to the surface
fills me with apathy
that only leaves me empty
dulls my hurt, but isnt that worse?
to feel nothing at all
nothing but fear
thats not how i want to live
but i cant erase the fear
anymore than i can erase
that which frightens me
building a wall in my mind
breaking the hands of time
but im only living in a lie
its a fate i cannot deny
though countless times ive tried
and will try many more
and even that is so insignificant
whether or not i play the game
pretend its not there
for even if that makes my life more enjoyable
its still a lie
and when tomorrow never comes
what difference does a pleasant yesterday make?
and as i stare at the sky
purplish light emerging at its base
another sleepless night
another restless day
i breath deeply
a sigh of relief
another tomorrow
another day of putting off the inevitable
and pushing my fate to the corners of my mind
and pretending it doesn't bother me
and thats when i start to wonder
wouldnt it be better to settle it now
i dont know what there is
but anything would be better than this
even nothing
anything, better than this fear
this constant pervading dread
seeping into my thoughts
causing every smile to falter
every tear to retreat
an unwelcome defeat
invading every peaceful space in my mind
despite how i try to prevent that
by filling it constantly
with meaningless conversations
false indifference
sarcasm as a shield
follow every line with a wink
destroys the need to think
and every time i walk past the knife
it makes me wonder
why am i putting off my fears?
perhaps itd be like the first time i went on a roller coaster
finally overcoming my apprehension
on a ride you can never get off
for, you know, we're all in line
all going to the same place
who could blame me for jumping the queue?
about then i realize how hungry i am
and i break my gaze
putting off fate
just one more day
for a bowl of fucking cornflakes
id almost like to laugh
but i cant do that quite yet
maybe in a few minutes
maybe then ill laugh
make a sarcastic remark about my thoughts
what are you doing?
oh, just pondering the meaning of life
something like that
sounds familiar, doesnt it?
and then maybe ill laugh
maybe
but not right now

 

[For Honor]

FANTASTIC


I believe it is called "stream of consciousness" writing, and I do that sometimes.

It is remarkable, because when you write that way, as I believe you have, it is just the honest truth as you see it in that moment and time, and it's sincerity is refreshing.

But even if that is not the way you wrote it, I like it alot

It reminds me so much of myself, though I dono't have.... a lot of fear or dread.....


Just questions.,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,. questions...........


Keep writing, please.

 

[VertigoGal]

thanks for the encouragement!

i did write that in a "stream of consciousness" sort of way. im sick of trying to write and not getting anything worthwhile, id like to try this method again and see if i improve.

glad you enjoyed it.

 

[For Honor]

Yeah.... I have realized I can seldom write in conventional ways.

That's why most of mine is so.... messed up.


But finding something that works for you is very important.
keep at it

 

[LemonMelon]

Yeah this might be your specialty. When I write essays or reviews on music or things like that, I like sneaking in SoT writing to flavor it. Plus, it entertains those in a less hazy state of mind when they read it. The downside? It sounds really weird to you later.

 

[For Honor]

I'll second the "it sounds weird later" part, in regards to my personal experiences. But not neccesarily weird in a bad way.

but here is an example of it working out well, I believe

 

[Scarlet Lady]

i often write in that style and thats what alot of young ppl prefer to read..so ive found, like in college everybody in class would rave over my rambling writing but the tutors didnt really find it that great then id show them more of a narritive and theyd love it and encourage me to get published,which i did but with my ramblings lol

 

[For Honor]

I think the best way to write is to just not let there be any distortion between what you feel and what you say.


That is just me.


I'm not very good at long narratives, though. Although I used to try so hard when I was younger....... my grand stories of grand adventures....