Lila & Sylvia

[Bonochick]

?Lila? Are you home??

The voice was accompanied by a knock at my apartment door. I?d been sitting on my worn-out loveseat, flipping through a magazine that was a year old. I immediately knew who the owner of the voice was.

?Come in, Nate. It?s unlocked.?

The door swung open, and I threw the magazine on the floor. I laid back on the loveseat and closed my eyes.

?What the hell are you doing, leaving your door unlocked?? Nate asked. I pulled a cushion over my face, and he promptly yanked it out of my hands. ?Do you want to be abducted? Anybody could come walking in, for fuck?s sake.?

?Don?t swear at me.? I rolled over onto my stomach.

?I?m sorry.? Nate sat down on the floor next to the loveseat and looked at me. ?What did you do today??

?Nothing.?

?What did you do to yourself??

?What kind of a question is that?? I peeked at Nate out of the corner of my eye.

?Answer it.?

?Nothing.? I could tell by the look on his face that he did not believe me.

?Push up your sleeves,? Nate demanded.

?You can?t tell me what to do.? I thought that if I said that enough times I?d believe it, but it actually wasn?t true. Nate knew it too because he didn?t say anything. Reluctantly, I revealed the sliced skin on my arms.

?Jesus, Lila,? Nate said. ?You said you?d stop. You said you didn?t want to go back there. You promised me you?d stop.?

?I did stop.?

?Don?t lie!?

?If you?re just gonna come in here and yell at me, I don?t need it!? I got up off of the loveseat and went into the bathroom, slamming the door.

?I?m taking you to the hospital. You have to go back.?

?Make me!? I locked the door and sat in the tub, looking at the framed picture hanging above the toilet. It was a painting of a lighthouse, and the glass over it had been cracked during my last struggle with paramedics. I couldn?t stand to look at it. I yanked on the shower curtain until it fell and covered me, closing me off from my surroundings. Well, from everything except Nate?s voice, that is.

?Let me in!? Nate pounded on the door.

I settled back in the tub. I didn?t want to cry, but I didn?t know what else to do. I didn?t want to go back to the hospital. They didn?t help me. The medication didn?t help me. I?m still alive, so I must be doing something right. I don?t need help.

I gripped the shower curtain and tried to control the flow of tears so that I could compose myself to speak again.

?Nate??

I listened, but there was no response. The fear that he was on the phone with the hospital was enough to have me hurrying out of the tub and unlocking the bathroom door. The clicking sound as the button popped out was Nate?s cue, and he swiftly slid into the bathroom.

?What do you want to do?? Nate sat on the bathroom counter and looked at me.

?Nothing.?

?You can?t do nothing forever. You?re going to self-destruct.?

?I?m okay.? I chewed absentmindedly on my right thumbnail, a bad habit of mine.

?Do you honestly expect me to believe that? You know, you were supposed to be back at your job two days ago. You?re going to get fired. How will you pay for things??

?Sure, give me more things to worry about.? I took a step towards the door, but Nate grabbed my arm.

?I?m just being realistic! If you were really okay, you?d have at least gone back to work. You look like you haven?t even been showering!?

?I did. Yesterday.? I paused. ?Or maybe the day before.? I folded my arms across my chest and looked down at my bare feet. I happened to catch a glance of myself in the mirror, and I had to admit that my wavy brown hair was looking particularly gross.

?Lila, I don?t want you locked up again either. But I have an obligation and a desire to take care of you. I have to do what is best for you.?

?What?s best for me is to be left the hell alone. I can live my life just fine. It may seem messed up to everybody else, but it works for me. I don?t see what the problem is.? I began to gnaw on my thumbnail again, my gaze still fixed downwards.

?The problem is when a bunch of us find you passed out from taking too many fucking pills! You almost died! And you?re trying to tell me that you are living your life fine? Don?t try to feed me that because I?m not biting,? Nate seethed.

I pursed my lips and lifted my head, examining Nate. I confess, having Nate around was a blessing. At this point, most of my friends have ditched me. I realized I was close to losing what may be my last one.

?Nate, I?m working on it. I swear. If you make me go back, it will make me worse. You remember how awful it was. I was more miserable than ever when I was in that place.?

Nate sighed and scratched the side of his head. ?I just don?t know what to do with you. I don?t know what?s right.?

?Nobody ever does. There?s never a right answer.?

?Never??

?Never.?

I walked back into the living room and curled up on the loveseat again. Nate followed and perched himself on the edge of it.

?I promise to keep this stuff a secret if you promise to not do anything rash.? Nate looked down at me, and my eyes shifted until they met his.

?Okay.?

?No, you have to promise me,? Nate said sternly. ?If you do anything, and I hadn?t told anybody that I knew you were still having problems, I?d catch a lot of shit.?

My eyes narrowed. ?Oh, so it?s all about covering your ass, right?? I whipped a small cushion at him and buried my face into another.

?I didn?t mean it like that! I just mean that that would be a lot of guilt placed on me for having not gotten you help. I?d feel awful if anything happened to you.?

?It?s just all about you, isn?t it?? I sneered. ?You don?t really care about me. You just don?t want to be in the position where anybody could blame you if I did something to myself!?

?Fuck, Lila, that?s not what I mean!? Nate stood up abruptly and threw his hands up in the air. ?No matter what I say to you, it?s wrong!?

?Well, maybe you should stop thinking about yourself for a change!? I fired back.

?That?s it. I?ve had it.? Nate began to make his way for the door. ?I have fucking bent over backwards for you, and you don?t appreciate it. I should stop thinking of myself? Coming from the most self-centered person I?ve ever met, that is something else. I don?t care what the hell is wrong with you?it doesn?t give you the right to act like a total bitch!?

I quickly pulled myself up to sitting position and turned to look at Nate. ?How dare you say that to me after all I?ve been through lately. Give me a fucking break!?

?How about all that you?ve put us through? Give us a break! I?m tired of your drama, and I?m tired of your problems. You are so unappreciative, and you don?t even want to help yourself. Go do whatever the hell you want. There?s obviously nothing anybody can do for you!? With that, Nate left.

I drew my knees up to my chin and sat for awhile, thinking of this recent exchange of words. I didn?t know if he was right or if I was. At this point, it didn?t matter. I?d reached the conclusion that I was truly on my own. You really can?t count on anybody except yourself. That?s a scary thought, considering I don?t like or understand myself. I don?t know who I am anymore. I don?t even know if I ever was somebody to begin with.

~to be continued~

 

[Cleasai]

*shuffles through a bag of popcorn*

BC, I do hope you anticipate on finishing this story! If ya don't I'm a gonna have to hunt you down. Remember, I know where you live bwahahahaha. *goes back to eating popcorn*

PS... it's really good so far

 

[Bonochick]

I spent at least another two hours on the loveseat before I pulled myself together enough to stand and guide myself to my bed. The bedroom was disgustingly hot, but I had to slide my sticky body between the sheets. I can?t sprawl out on top of a bed without something covering me, otherwise I feel so open and vulnerable. Just lying there, waiting for something to swoop down and strike. It?s as if I?m on display.

I feel like that a lot though. People I?ve known have all been intrigued by me because my mind works in ways they are not used to. They want to be the ones to fix me. It seems like a challenge, but they think that it will be some sort of rewarding result to get me through my times.

I?m like a board game.

You see the outside and get a general idea of what?s going on. Then you open the box and delve in deeper, sifting through the contents and grabbing the instruction book to use as your guide. Upon perusing the instruction book though, you still find that you don?t understand the game very well. You attempt to play it, making up your own little rules to fill in the gaps when you?re not sure what action is called for. Eventually though, you get frustrated, and you put the game back in the box.

You put me back in my box. You shove me away, just like you do with your other frustrations in life that you?ve never overcome. I can?t be bitter though because I do the same thing. It?s the easy way out. Eventually though, you can?t keep shoving things away because there?s no more room. It forces you to deal with them.

I think I?m reaching that point. I try to deny it, but I am running out of places to hide my things. They keep popping up at the most inopportune times, demanding to be dealt with. I really haven?t a clue as to where I should start and how I should go about things. However, my guess is as good as anybody else?s, and I?d rather take the reins myself than hand them over to somebody who doesn?t know more about me than what some doctor entered on a record and passed along in a manila folder.

At the hospital, I?m just another collection of data.

As for my friends, well?I don?t seem to have any left. If I?m going to be moody, I don?t want friends. I don?t want to be in the position where I have the potential to abuse any kindness bestowed upon me. It?s not fair. I need to figure out how to be like the rest of the people in the world before I try to lay claims to any friendships with them. I need to observe others and see how they get through their lives.

I need to learn how to live.

~to be continued~

 

[Cleasai]

damn out of popcorn...

More more more more! I love how we're getting insider of her head. we can see what she's thinking and why she's acting the way she does. The part about how everyone wants a try is very true come on girl keep it up now...

 

[ABEL]

*comes back in the room with more popcorn and hands a bag of popcorn to Cleasai*

 

[Bonochick]

I don?t know how I fell asleep last night, but I had eventually drifted off. I looked at the clock on my bedside table and saw that it was almost noon. I didn?t feel tired, but I didn?t have it in me to pull myself out of bed. I was dragging the covers over my head when I heard the phone ring. As the answering machine picked it up, I listened.

?Hi, Lila?it?s Nate. I just wanted to say that I was sorry if I got you upset last night. I?m assuming it?s a good sign that you didn?t answer?hoping that it means you?re at work. Anyway, I?ll stop by and see you around 6:00. Take care of yourself.?

Work?I?d forgotten about work.

I am supposed to be back there, but I can?t bring myself to do it. I?m sure I?ll get fired soon, but that?s okay. I don?t like that place anyway. I don?t see why it?s assumed that we should all have to get a job in order to survive. Is that the only way for a person to make it? To have their way of life revolve around some stupid job? I?ve got enough money stashed to keep me going for a few months or so. I could die tomorrow, so there?s no sense in worrying about time beyond the next few months.

As for Nate?I don?t care if I ever see him again. Everything he?s done for me doesn?t make up for the fact that one of these days he will tire of me permanently, just as everybody else I?ve known has. I don?t believe in prolonging the inevitable, which is one of the reasons I think that living is so ridiculous.

Existence. What a concept.

I don?t know where I want to be at 6:00, but I know I don?t want to be here. I really don?t have anywhere to go, so that means I will have to find somewhere to go. Obviously.

I decided that I first needed to shower. I went into the bathroom, stripped off my sweat suit I?d fallen asleep in, and stepped into the shower. When the water hit me, I knew that it didn?t matter how hot it was or how much soap I used, I was still going to be dirty. My body is covered in this layer of filth that nothing can remove. I?ll never be clean again.

Maybe I never was.

After my shower, I toweled off and threw on the first set of clothes I picked up, which was a pair of worn out jeans and a purple plaid button-down shirt. I found a pair of sneakers, shoved a wad of money into my pocket, and gazed around my apartment, wondering what else I needed.

Whatever I need, it?s not in this damn place.

With that, I slipped my apartment key in my other pocket, not that I wished to return, and I walked out the door. I went down three flights of stairs and entered the lobby area, which showed no signs of life. I pushed open one of the main doors and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

The world is mine for the taking, but I?m not sure I want it.

~to be continued~

 

[Cleasai]

Hiya Kat-Kat I love the fact that there's always at least one or two lines in your work that sounds like it could be a song. You should definately wrote some more songs hon Keep it up

 

[Bonochick]

I looked to my right and then to my left. I could go anywhere I desired, but no place seemed appealing. I don?t even know what I?m doing. Knowing me, I will end up back in my apartment in fifteen minutes. I always get these grandiose ideas, but after a few minutes into their implementation, I grow weary and go back to the simplistic things I have grown accustomed to. Happiness has not been attached to any of those things though, so how much worse could anything else be?

I turned to my right again and started walking, my feet pounding the cracked cement as if they had a true purpose in the world. My hair blew behind me, revealing my freckled-covered face, chapped lips, and unkempt brows to anybody who cared to look. As usual, nobody cared anyway. That was more than fine by me.

My neighborhood is right on the outskirts of the downtown area. This city is by no means a huge city, but it is lively and bustling in its own unique way. It has a culture and charm that few took the time to tap into, myself included. Granted, it has its dark, seedy side too, as does everything. I?m not sure which side entices me more.

I walked for a good hour, traversing the same few blocks repeatedly. The waterfront was close by, with a city park overlooking it. I entered the park and selected a grassy area to rest on.

The lake was fairly calm, but a few waves danced lazily, sparkling in the sunshine. It really was a lovely day out. I can?t deny that. However, I just couldn?t find it in myself to appreciate the beauty in things like that anymore. It doesn?t matter how pretty the day is if I am still just as miserable as I am when the weather is gray and rainy. I actually prefer gray, rainy days because I always feel as though the sun taunts me with is shining, upbeat glow. It is brighter than I could ever hope to be.

For a brief moment, I pondered what it would be like to just slip in between those waves the same way I slip in between the sheets of my bed. Just close my eyes and drift away into a peaceful slumber. This time, I wouldn?t have to dread waking up the next day.

I don?t think I could do it though. I?ve always had a fear of drowning. I?ve been told that is relatively quick and painless, as your lungs just full up with water immediately, causing death to occur soon after. How does anybody know that for sure though? They obviously do not speak from personal experience, therefore I really can?t trust their testimonies.

For that reason, I highly doubt I could ever go through with suicide. I fear pain so much. I hear all of these people with such heavy emotional pains who say things like, ?Whatever physical pain would come from suicide couldn?t possible hurt anymore than what I feel right now.?

I think that?s a load of shit.

On my bluest of blue days, when I feel as though I couldn?t possibly hurt anymore than I presently do, all I have to do is bite my tongue or stub my toe. Then I?m reminded of what pure, old-fashioned, physical pain not brought on by mental anguish feels like. If I get tears in my eyes over that sensation, I can?t even imagine what it would feel like to slash my wrists. I do cut myself. However, those slices are fairly minor, when compared to the damage I have the potential to actually do.

The fact that I know deep down that I am unable to bring myself to commit suicide further depresses me. The only way to make all of the pain in my life stop would be to stop the life it invades. I don?t know the source of the pain, but I do know the source of my life, so that is the only option I have. It?s the only chance I have of making the hurt go away. The realization that that option is not personally viable for me makes me feel even more helpless.

There?s no way out.

~to be continued~

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

 

[Cleasai]

 

[beegee]

kat, i'm telling you, you need to write a book.

i'm afraid for this poor girl in your story. i hope she finds some peace.

 

[Hanover]

In Dreams Begin Responsibilities...

, what a story...could be about anyone of us, our friend, lover, anyone. You are a gifted writer and something triggers with me that life has thought you that all is not so rosy in this ed up world.

Keep dreaming...and writing.

It's harrowing, your story...but that's why it impacts so much.

Well done!

 

[Bonochick]

?Hey!?

I opened up my eyes, and I saw the moonlight dispersed across the water.

?Hello??

I looked up and saw a police officer standing above me.

?This is a city park. It closed an hour ago,? the officer informed me. He fixed his eyes on me, examining me.

?I?m sorry. I guess I fell asleep,? I stammered. I was still a little groggy from my slumber and was slowly remembering where I was.

?Don?t you have anywhere to go?? the officer asked, still looking me over.

?I?m from out of town,? I lied. ?My car is parked over there.? I pointed to a red car by the curb at the park entryway. Why I felt the need to lie, I don?t know. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

?Oh??

?Yes.? I said it with such confidence that I almost believed it myself.

?Well, why don?t I escort you to your vehicle then?? the officer asked, holding out a hand to help me up.

?That?s okay,? I replied, standing up without his assistance. I began to walk to the car, and the officer followed right behind me.

I stopped and turned around. ?Really, I?m fine,? I said, flashing a smile.

The officer stared and simply said, ?Better safe than sorry.?

We kept walking until we arrived at the red car. I stuck my hands in my pockets, pretending to be looking for my keys.

?Is there a problem?? the officer asked, sounding annoyed.

?I can?t find my key,? I replied, trying my best to sound upset by this discovery. ?I think I dropped it in the park.?

?I think you?re a liar,? the officer fired back. ?Have you been drinking, ma?am??

?No!?

?Are you telling the truth??

?Yes! Good Lord, why would I have a reason to lie to you?? I cried, even though I had already lied to him about the car.

?You tell me.? The officer stared at me, but I couldn?t come up with any sort of intelligent response. ?I think you should come with me.?

?You have no reason to make me come with you,? I replied, stepping back. The officer stepped forward and reached out to me. As I contemplated my next move, a voice broke out from across the street.

?There you are!? A woman with shaggy blonde hair and a jean jacket came running over to me. ?We were waiting for you at Shine,? she said, jerking her thumb in the direction of a rundown bar.

I had no idea what this woman was talking about. I examined her face, trying to recall where I met her. Then I saw the hard look in her eyes?the understanding look. Then I realized what she was doing.

?That?s right! I forgot we were meeting tonight,? I answered. The officer looked at us and raised his eyebrow. I ignored him and continued. ?I guess I got too relaxed in the park and fell asleep. Now I can?t seem to find my car keys.? I sighed and tried to form my face into a picture of distress.

?Don?t worry, sweetie, I can give you a ride home so we can get your spares,? the woman said, a reassuring smile appearing. She looked at the officer. ?If you?ll excuse us now, we?ll be on our way.?

?Have a nice night, ladies,? the officer said, still looking skeptical. The woman and I turned around and began walking towards Shine. Once we saw that the officer was gone, we paused for a moment on the sidewalk.

?Thanks a lot,? I said to the woman. ?That officer seemed to have it out for me.?

?Oh, they?ve just been creeping all over this downtown area lately,? the woman said. ?They?re trying to weed out the trouble, I suppose. That means a lot of nice folks just get hassled though.?

?How do you know that I?m nice?? I asked.

?I just know those things.? The woman lit a cigarette and started walking again. I wasn?t sure if I was really supposed to follow her into Shine or if I was supposed to continue on my way, whichever way that was. Since I had nowhere else to go anyway, I kept on walking.

?I?m Lila,? I said quietly, feeling the need to reveal myself in some way to this woman.

The woman removed the cigarette from her lips long enough to say, ?My name?s Sylvia.?

~to be continued~

 

[Cleasai]

Yay, we finally meet Sylvia. Very good Kat, as always I'm very jealous of your talents May I borrow thems ometime? Please write more

 

[Natztar]

Ahhh! More!!!