In a reflective mood

[jessi-ma-ca]

In a reflective mood, I haven’t posted here for ages. Inspired by Mullen4prez quote
To think I might not see those eyes, Makes it so hard not to cry, And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly do. I want to share a few little bits and pieces.


Left again,
Like I always do.
Someday I’ll be back,
And somehow you knew

----------------------------------------


In the wind you
Whisper to me
In the rain you
Cry to me

In my dreams
I got to you
When I escape
I run to you

When I am finished
I will be there
When I am ready
We will be together

------------------------------------------


Child, come lay close and sleep tonight
As tomorrow will to soon arrive
Be peaceful in your dreams and in what you hope tomorrow will bring
For the world is full of more tears
Than you can ever understand

-----------------------------------------

In a weird way I can see myself telling my children that last paragraph when I tuck them in before they sleep. Its only weird cause I'm 20 and I'm not planning to have kids for ages.

anyway....

 

[ZeroDude]

Maybe you've got maternal instincts Nice work here, thoughtful, reflective and sombre

 

[For Honor]

It has a very nice, tender quality to it.

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

thanks...
maybe i do have a maternal instincts, i do love kids. i just dont want any yet!!!

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Nice poem.

 

[For Honor]

tenderness is a good thing.......



sorry, lost in a daydream for a split second....


but other things concern me....

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

sorry, what concerns you?

ps i like your footer... its beautiful. i love strong words

 

[For Honor]

many things concerned me.



I was worried about wizard2c at the time (still am), and then other things, people places, life. You know, that sort of thing.



Tenderness because it reminded me of someone. And it is fitting that the person involved with the tenderness is the person involved with my footer


(I'm getting lots of distractions, but I will come back and write more later. I can always write more.......)

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

dont worry... when worry can do nothing to solve the problem
most often it only complicates everything

but that is so easy to say. i am a worrier... man, i just stress over exams! im hopless. i just am a bit emotional, i get too involved. but then i so easily withdraw myself... then im not involved at all. what is a worry is that i dont mind that either

anywho... but of a D&M hope you dont mind!

 

[For Honor]

D&M?

I don't know what that means, oddly enough.


Yeah, I know what you mean about being both emotional and withdrawn....


Yes, I still have much to do, and it is past midnight...

but I WILL return to write more. I promise that lol.
hah

until then

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

D&M is 'deep and meaningful'

sometimes its so easy to withdraw....

 

[For Honor]

Ah, I am back, and with time to actually type.. though a big thunderstorm is approaching, so, I wonder if I have time to write enough....



I school, until my sernior year, I have been incredibly withdrawn. I think I may have been the master at that. And especially so, since I go to a huge school -- 700 kids in my graduating class, and that is just high school......

(oh yeah - my "location" has a lot to do with being withdrawn. I have chosen to be withdrawn at times, yet at other times, I haven't had much oppertunity for otherwise. THis year, though, a lot of that has changed, for the better. Well, at least a little bit)



But anyhow......

"D&M" - - I'm surprised I've never heard that, because I would describe a lot of things I do that way. Sometimes I can be too deep, and too analytical perahps. BUt a lot of things have meaning. Sometime sentimentality, sometimes the purpose, sometimes tradition. BUt I realize my highest ideals are honor and sincerrity and justice and things like that... though I realize too that those words are not easily defined at all times...

 

[For Honor]

I'm n a reflective mood a lot. Sometimes too much. BUt I am no stranger to thinking that way.




In regard to my signature, my footer:


In the last few months, a lot of new questions have been forming. I've been thinking about things for years now, but, these new "set of questions" are what my footer is all about.



Basically, I've been considering how few things are really right or wrong, and many times they can be justified as either. Often all it takes is a different perspective, for me at least.

I have been one who always considered myself "a good guy", a do-gooder, things like that. But a number of things have lead me to question my definitions of right and wrong.


things in my life are very connected, and though not intentionally, my questioning ran into the idea of "love". I still don't knowwhat to think about that.

Of alll the things that seem irrelevant or indifferent, there is some sort of a defiance that comes from love, it seems. In a way, I don't know, love seems to justify things sometimes... and I don't know, still, whether that is right or wrong.



My last point in this post is this:

My favorite song, ever, in the whole world, and probably for my life, is PRIDE (In the name of Love).

I don't know exactly why, but it means a lot to me, and everything about it I love. I say love, because what I feel for that song and all it represents to me is what I would consider a form of love...

But anyway, Pride basically talks about sacrifice for love, in the name of love. Perhaps the quest for love, and what we do in/for love, is very honorable and rreally, a high and idealistic pursuite. Like maybe, being in love and ssacrificing for love is a really noble thing to do.


In reality, I don't know if that is true or not. But from a pesonal, less detached standpoint.... love is a major thing, and perhaps, major aspect of life.


But like my footer says, sort of... you shouldn't "look" your whole life for love, seeking it desparately. But if you do have it, or are close to it, try and get it.



Eh, the storm is coming.....
But I wrote a lot anyways, heh.



"The storms will pass.


These winds and tides
change of times, won't drag you away"

"This love lasts forever"


Drowning man is also a great song...
The idea of an eternal love is something that fascinates me for some reason...

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

I am a people person in mayn respects. But I chose to withdraw myself. Things get too hard, or I'm in a mood, I will withdraw form the people around me (except form my mum and my best friend of 10 years). I become reflective, introspective, and often moody and upset. I bring it all on myself.

But at times I feel like I can’t cope, so as a coping mechanism I withdraw myself from people. This is a bit of an issues for me sometimes. I don’t like letting myself open up to people, especial those of the opposite sex. That damn dad of mine! Oh well, the damage is done, I now just have to mend it. But I just don’t know how. I just don’t know…

I can be withdrawn and feel alone, but surround myself with my friends and be happy with them.

What you wrote makes me think.

This is why I love U2 I can submerge myself in there songs, in the rhythm, the lyrics. They comfort me.

I am naive in the respect that I believe all people do the right thing, that they have an honest agenda and are not manipulative or deceptive. Every time I see these traits I just cant believe it. How can people do such things? It comes back to what you said about perspective, if the mind is warped, one can justify almost anything.

I think you have really struck a chord with me. I love it.

 

[For Honor]

That is a wonderful compliment. I'm glad for that, because it makes it feel like my thoughts and what I am saying are worthwhile, because that is honestly how I feel about things.


I realize I withdraw in two ways -
one, whenever I am thinking a lot and undergoinga lot of "internal change", like changing how I thinik about things or a person, or maybe life in general. I shut down and detach.....

That is an old habit that I picked up through a sort of interatction with my father.... ((I always got along well with my dad. But when he picked me up every weekend, going about 30 minutes from my moms to my dads house - I would always sink into a state of complete reticence, silence.

Not to be mean. It was just dad and me in the car, and I would go into this silent mode, because my environment was shifting so much. (I think this is when my... interesting perepectives on things, my thinking about things began). I was just becoming aware of stuff..... I don't know, I was sensative. The instability, in a way,


ahjhhhh

interupted again..... oh boy

 

[For Honor]

from where I left off.......


so basically, my interactionwith my dad lead to me seeking understanding about a lot of things.



man, my train of thought was completely offset.....


Right

U2 is a band I like because their music has such meaning to me. I can get lost in their songs as well. And often times, they are the only thing I listen to. LIke this week, it has been nothing but U2. There is something about it that I haven't found anywhere else. ANd some of it is sentimentality - -- the first album I ever picked out, ever, was JT at a used cd store. Since then, I don't think any other band has come close.


I used to respect people a lot, but in a bad way


tbc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

My state has a lot to do with my dad...
All I can say is that my parents had an extremely mess divorce… I mane extremely!

All through my childhood my dad emotionally, and materially blackmailed me. That’s never nice. I was too young to understand it. I still don’t understand it. But somehow everything was always my brothers or mine fault. He has a few dodgy girlfriends who also had kids. So my brother and I learnt to cope every second weekend by withdrawing ourselves. So then the hurtful things dad said to us didn’t hurt so much. My brother does this much better than I do. But its hard to be detached form your dad. I love him but I hate his so much. He doesn’t understand me, and never tries, I try to explain how I feel and he simply responds by telling me that I am not the centre of the universe! Thanks!

I just can’t understand why he does it. Well I do, he doesn’t realise, doesn’t know better, he doesn’t care etc… anywho….

I’ve learnt this the hard way, but everything you say is valid and worthwhile. Don’t ever believe differently

 

[For Honor]

I don;t mean to sound like I have a one track mind, but honeslty, everyrtime I settle down and come to this thread, something comes up

In the dead of the night now, I should have some time to finally finish what I began a while ago.....hopefully....



*whew*

I was saying how I used to respect people a lot, but in a bad way. What I meant by that, was that I just assumed that everyone knew what they were talking about and made the best decisions -- that people in school knew, that my parents knew, that everyone knew what they were doing and where they were going, and I just didn't know, and followed.

So much has changed since those days. I question everything now, and it is hard for me to take things for granted, (though I seek something I don't need to constantly question and just "know")

I respect people a lot. I understand that not everyone sees things my way, but to me, being honest and striving for maturity is the best way to live. I know someone who likes to change the rules all the time to suite their immediate needs, and so be it. That is fine for them, but for me, that is absurd, and wrong. But I don't hate this person , I just have trouble getting along with them.

Not too long ago, I would think that something was wrong with me -- why can't I get that person to understand me, or why don't we get along? But really, I've accepted that not everything is my fault or responsiblity, even if I can see how or way something is the way it is.

That was a big deal, a big turning point in my life.


....................


well, hmm..... again, I don't know where I was going with any of this..... I don't like beint interupted or disjointed,.... so I apologize for any inconvieniences/messyness.




Yeah, I did my final paper in my sociology class on divorce.....
I found some interesting things out. First and foremost, divorceor any separation affects a child immediately and down the road, no matter what.

Secondly, and most important, is how close the child is to both parents. Especially the father, it seems. (Or more so, opposite sex parent, maybe). If the child is in bad standings with the parent, then the divorce will be a lot harder on the child. If the parent is really close to the child --- which is what happened for me, basically --- then the child is still affected, but a larger amount of the negative effects are reduced.


But no matter what, down the road, divorce/separation has signigicant impact on personal developement, and often, the oppertunities you come across.



But this isn't a lecture hall......
Thanks for reading. I get carried away sometimes....


okay, most of the time

 

[For Honor]

He doesn’t understand me, and never tries, I try to explain how I feel and he simply responds by telling me that I am not the centre of the universe!

This is one of those things that annoys me with people today...


I don't know, your location says you are in Australia? But I know this is definietely a common American thing...



People try to "be the victim", and get sympathy that way. Make you feel bad for something they did. People refuse to take responsibility and instead make it seem like someone else is hurthing them. It is so backwards. And pathetic.

I don't know your situation, but it sounds like your dad is being a bit of a victim, and choosing the easy way out, instead of being the hero and doing the hard stuff. (perhaps admitting he made some mistakes in the past?)



But again, it is easy to point the finger at others. So, even myself, I always ask, "what have I done in this situation?", and try to figure out if I am trying to be the victim in some way. This is another thing that has come up lately... but it irratetes me so much, when people strive "to be the victim". I can't stand it. And even when I see it in myself, I am disgusted.


It is okay to be the victim sometimes, when it is justified. But .... I don't know..... people seem to be rewared for irresponsibility and insincerity these days....





------------


again, I don't know if this is the right place to write this, but apparently one thing lead to another in my mind. heh...

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

with my dad and I, I know that I'm not perfect, and don’t claim to be a victim. But he cant be mature about a lot of the stuff that goes on between us. Example one….
This Christmas I told him I was having lunch with mum (like every other year) then coming to his place.
When I arrived he didn’t talk to me at all. He said on thing to me which was so rude and slightly abusive. I had no idea why this was going on. And at the time I dint have the time or energy to dealt with it. So I left the next day, and didn’t speak to him for ages. He calls me about money (don’t ask!). and then turns around and said that he would not have called me ever, because I haven’t called him! I know my part was immature, but at just 20 my dad still makes me irrational and emotional, which makes it hard to be mature about things.

The moral to the story, he would have never spoken to me again, because I didn’t call him! Nice!

That paper for sociology sounds interesting. Off the point a little, but I cant even remember my dad living with me. I was 6 when he left, and when they were together dad worked such long hours I never saw him. Perhaps that has a lot to do with the state of our relationship.

I know what you mean about ‘rule’ being a constant. I'm studding to be a lawyer, and I enjoy that the law states this therefore this happens. Sometimes outcomes aren’t desirable, but the rules are applied. Then again I do kind of live in my own world. Within my own boundaries (which is obviously within the legal boundaries) I feel like I can do anything. Its like my own little world, but I'm not self-centred. Something’s I just see a little differently. I'm good at seeing both sides of the argument. Unless I'm in the argument than I am as stubborn as a mule!

 

[For Honor]

NOthing is wrong with having opiinions and holding to them... well, if there is, then I'm out of luck!

But I too try to see the different sides of the story. I think that is very important.


Your situation sounds tricky... I don't know what I would do. I guess I would just try to make the best of it. I have seen pplenty of times that you can't really change much how someone thinks about/towards you...


I have been blessed with parents who care about me a lot and do a lot for me, but I have felt a lot of detachment from my surrounding family...

with my upcoming graduation party, there will be a lot of fake courtesy and pretend care... I mean, yes, we should stick together because we are family... but no one knows me very well. I admit I could have done more things. But at the same time, I'm a kid, and growing up I didn't have much say in who I spent time with

ANd in addition, I divided my time always between my moms, dads, and stepmothers side of the family

SO perhaps that is another reason for me...........

distance.............


I guess no matter what you just have to make th emost of any situation... but that is often easier said than done

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

I guess no matter what you just have to make th emost of any situation... but that is often easier said than done

true that!!!
oh well, there is not much you can do when it comes down to it but make the best of it....

talk soon