holding my breath

ive never been submerged in scenery as delusive as my eyes lead me to acept. im thinking im alone in their stares- so ignorantly concerned. i feel under my world, bound by my humanity from knowing that thing. that answer we all ask from time to time. with my hand out to no one solid thought, i ask my eyes to get some message across as i run away from a growing fear of things making no sense to me at all. ive lived in this place for a year, and i dont know were i am? these are the streets i walk every day but, i dont know how to get home. why does it feel so cold and were is she? what is she doing? what should i do? i have to get somwere . i have to go.... i dont know were to go... but this is the one i take. ill get on this train. ill go home. ill get home wont i? im starting to get scared...

sounds like me trying to tell the story of almost 1 and a half years ago when i picked my ass up from 20' and slid down the wall i tried to hold myself up with. i was fucked up. i diddnt know what was going on and i wasnt sure what had happened. i just knew that i was hurt and i needed help. i had fallen apart and was about to get worse for just a short time. i dont remember everything but i do remember alot. ive never felt the ways i did then and i only feel myself getting better. ive changed my life and am finding ways to keep busy. progress is only as what you make of it. it doesnt just happen. why even though i feel so much growth, do i still land on the same ground. im not wacked , i feel stoopid. i get so focused on the way that i feel sometimes. its keeping me from relaxing recently and i feel like i need to let somthing go. im making myself crazy and i dont know what to do about it .
i need to get shit together and i know it. i just dont know what the fuck to do. im tough as hell and dont fuck with me, im scared of what i might do if i was told to react. ill walk away from you with your words in my ear and face in my mind. ill think of the ways to break you into somthing you can love for what your worth. if i you cant take me, then were far from the same. you dont know that im weak but my poison can ind its way into you. im not afraid , just waighting. what the fuck am i waighting for. give me something beautiful. give me somthing i dont know i got. i want you to know that i want you so bad. i want to give myself to you the same as i know. i to remind you of what you feel like to me. ill find somthing to do with you while you take care of me. then "walk on". dont watch me hurt myself because of you.