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Old 10-27-2002, 12:22 AM   #1
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From The Pages Of My Messed Up Mind...

I debated on whether or not to post this...it's not good...it's a lame piece of work...but there's a story behind it.

I was going through my closet, and a small green notebook fell out. I recognized the notebook right away...it was the notebook I always carried with me during my semester away at university. I wrote almost all of my poetry and lyrics in it back then...most of the work in there was from September of the year 2000. That was the month I attempted suicide.

How creepy it is to look back at this stuff two years later. The poetry was horrible...I liked the lyrics...but the poetry seems so trite and cliche...because I'd just write the first damn thing in my mind...and I often made things rhyme, which I think cheapened a lot of those works (not that all rhyming poems are cheapened, mind you...I'm just talking about this case).

Thumbing through the pages, I found the last poem I wrote before I tried to kill myself. It's called "My Wall"...and it's another lame, rhyming piece...but I still remember when I wrote it...I remember how I was and where I was...and it's just fucking insane to look back.

Everything is crumbling now
I can hear it fall,
It is the sickening collapse
Of my protective wall
My wall that would hide
All of the thoughts in my head,
But I made a mistake
And now my wall is dead
My last source of comfort
Has broken down on me,
I try so hard to run
But there is nowhere to flee
I am struggling now
I am barely able to crawl,
Through the twisted ruins
Of my shattered wall

--------

A page followed...a list of words...

Pissed
Cut
Slice
Skin
Blood
Pain
Hurt
Wound
Scream
Cry
Help
Stab
Dig
Vein
Open
Spurt
Floor
Stain
Smash
Breakdown
Frustration
Time
Pressure
Everywhere
Glass
Break
Shatter
Shards
Prick
Blood
Drip
Pool
Lip
Split
Bruise
Wild
Teeth
Sharp
Spear
Life
Death
Black
Day
Heart
Dead
Rip
Tear
Kill
Killer
Murder
Broken

--------

Do you ever find old things you've written...and read them...and just think to yourself, holy hell.....? That's what this whole damn notebook is doing to me. Sometimes, I still think I am so fucked up. I'm not nearly as bad as I was though...
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Old 10-27-2002, 12:45 AM   #2
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thoses are good, I love the poem very sad but beautiful!
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Old 10-27-2002, 01:01 AM   #3
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Sad, but you've come a long way.
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Old 10-27-2002, 12:26 PM   #4
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Kinda reminds me of thoughts I have now...
I have people that I need to live for, however.

You give me hope, Bonochick.
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Old 10-27-2002, 02:22 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by Foadie
Kinda reminds me of thoughts I have now...
I have people that I need to live for, however.

You give me hope, Bonochick.

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Old 10-27-2002, 03:34 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by Foadie
Kinda reminds me of thoughts I have now...
I have people that I need to live for, however.

You give me hope, Bonochick.
If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here, all right?

I still get my spells...but nothing like I used to. I was supposed to be goin to counseling after my incident, but...um...well...I lied and left town. Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! *lol*

I think I figured out things all right on my own though...with a little help from my friends, that is.
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Old 10-27-2002, 06:54 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bonochick


If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here, all right?

I still get my spells...but nothing like I used to. I was supposed to be goin to counseling after my incident, but...um...well...I lied and left town. Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! *lol*

I think I figured out things all right on my own though...with a little help from my friends, that is.
Thanks...

Depression is like walking around an empty shell...that's
awesome that you could fill it mostly. I can't fill mine because
a part of my shell is missing, and if I try to fill it, it would all
leak out.

Hurrah for friends though...mine are trying for me too.

PS- Therapy sucks arse. Good thing you ran!
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Old 10-28-2002, 01:01 PM   #8
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Don't want to see you cry...I know that this is not goodbye

this time will pass



Thank you Bonochick for being brave enough to share that. You have come a long way, I can tell just by your willingness to share that. And Foadie I have many hopes for you, you're a strong woman, and have made it this far.. who's to say where the wind will take you....
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Old 10-28-2002, 02:08 PM   #9
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loveyouloveyouloveyou bc and foadie!!

you guys have so much strength in hard times...it's really inspiring!!

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Old 10-28-2002, 09:23 PM   #10
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I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately. Sometimes it is hard to come up with reasons not to do it and I often scare myself. Maybe I need to start writing again, I have all this pain and nobody wants to hear about it cuz it drags them down. Anyway, thank you for sharing, I have been haunting the boards here since the beginning and I never knew you tried to kill yourself. I see you as a fairly happy person now and it gives me hope.
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Old 10-28-2002, 10:40 PM   #11
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Foadie & acadiashores~

You are both breaking my hearts cuz I know exactly how it is. I suffered for about 7 or 8 years (I'm only 20 years old...do the math...that's just messed up) before finally coming out of things with a different outlook. I'm not perfect though...I still slip back every so often...get in a funk for a few weeks or a month or so. Overall though...I'm much better...and I don't think about suicide and death every hour like I used to. I also used to have a major problem with self-mutilation, and I was ridiculed by many people...I lost many friends...which made me do more things to myself...a vicious cycle.

I could share a lot of stuff with you. Drop me a line if you are ever interested in doing stuff.
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Old 10-28-2002, 10:55 PM   #12
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I used to cut. I have lots of scars Im not proud of. I never in a million years thought I would ever go through another major battle with depression. It's funny, but when I got everything I wanted and had somebody who seemed to really love and care about me I began to get bad again and I eventually lost him because of it. Now there are days where I miss him so badly I don't even want to get up. Funny how life circles around and around.
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Old 10-28-2002, 11:11 PM   #13
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When I was away for that semester, I ended up rooming by myself, since my roommate moved out two weeks into the semester. I'm not sure being left by myself was the best...it was easier for me to hide things. My friends got wise to me though, and they swiped my scissors, X-acto knife, and pills. I had pills hidden all over my room though...and I had a big jewelry collection, so I would use my pins to cut and stick myself. I'd spend my money on pills, alcohol, and sharp things. Living in the dorm was hell at times...everybody knew something was up with me...some people I thought were friends had really big mouths too. Everybody had dry erase boards on their doors, and I would always find messages written on mine...they'd write things like, "Psychotic Bitch Inside" and "No Sharp Objects Beyond This Point"...it fucking hurt so bad.

After my attempt, I was to see a counselor. I saw him once, and I hated him. He said if I didn't want to see him that I'd have to see somebody on campus, so I agreed. When the campus contacted me, I told them I was still seeing that other guy. Come December, I moved back home and had transferred schools, so I never got the counseling I was supposed to. I didn't want it though. I'm not sure if that's good advice to give or not because I still get fucked up from time to time...and I know people who got worse after seeing counselors...and I know people who got better after seeing them...so it's a tough call.

It feels good to be able to be so open about all the things I used to work so hard at hiding though. I hope that something I say will hit home with somebody.
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Old 10-29-2002, 07:09 AM   #14
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Hmm....yeah, I remember cutting too. It's amazing how some people want to show their scars. I always wanted to stop, but I
couldn't. It's some horrible addiction. I stopped when I discovered my older cousin who went though depression too,
and she's helping me now. Not one of those fucked up conselors
who steal your money even if you don't talk.
Now I live for her and friends. And I try to get my feelings out in poetry...but that dosen't always help.
Life hasn't circled for me..it's been a downward slope. I need a hill, but I'm afraid I'll just get stuck at the bottom.

acadiashores- share your writings- because if no one responds to them, Bonochick and I will.

Bonochick- really, you do give me hope, because it always seems like you're happy and sweet. I know how you feel about dorm living with depression- I did it too for half a year. Then I met my
boyfriend and we moved in together. But he's gone now. Luckily,
my job helped me with paying rent. I think I'm seeing my hill in the distance.
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Old 10-29-2002, 07:13 AM   #15
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I see depression like being underwater. You can see the surface and you know you need the air to survive but you just can't seem to break through. Keep struggling to get there, sooner or later we will all break through.
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:40 AM   #16
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This thread makes me



I've been there too....I spent a lot of my late teens/early twenties wanting nothing more than to just die. I probably should have gone to a counselor, instead, I turned to alcohol....it made me feel better...it made me feel like less of an outsider...I didn't feel empty because people seemed to like me more when I was drunk. After almost flunking out my second year of college, I decided to control my drinking, and take a good hard look at my life, and work to pull myself out. I've also had "relapses," usually someone will say something, or something will happen to where I feel like I did when I was 17. It's even harder when people don't understand...in high school there was this "friend" that would say things like "Geez, you haven't done the world a favor and offed yourself yet?" then he would laugh and say he was joking....I am still to this day only 75% sure he really was joking.

Although now I am able to see when I'm starting to be a little depressed and can bring myself out of it...



Acadiashores: I always have time to listen....you can pm me
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:18 PM   #17
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Normal

This is a very painful thread for me to read.

Please, if you are ever thinking of doing anything, tell someone, okay? PM me. I couldn't bear to see anyone here end their life. It's too precious to end.


BC, I'm so proud of you for coming this far!
Youa re an inspiration.


Be strong everyone.
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:49 PM   #18
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Know what always struck me as being odd?

Everybody always told me suicide was the coward's way out...but I always felt like a coward when I didn't go through with it.

Depression totally fucks with your mind...it skews your outlook on everything. You know people love you, but it gets to the point where you convince yourself that they don't need you. I get along very well with my parents...I consider my dad to be my best friend...and they've always given me nothing but love...yet I had managed to convince myself that they would not miss me because they would still have my sister. My friends wouldn't miss me because they had so many other friends. My relatives wouldn't miss me because it would be one less birthday card to worry about every year. I really believed that stuff. I was completely messed up.

Don't let it get the best of you...
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