FH's thread - I'll write more over time

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For Honor

Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
Joined
Dec 13, 2004
Messages
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Location
East Coast, USA
I know everyone starts a new thread for a new work, but it would be easier to keep all my stuff together in one thread, but if that's just not how you are supposed to do it here, then let me know, and I'll follow suite like everyone else.
=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

One of my big themes is isolation, so here are two that deal with that I wrote them last year..........
-----

Of Possibilities and Promises


She's looking again, from over there, spying like a cat
Across the room I can feel her,
The breif and subtle void of awareness and distraction, but should I return her gaze?

Her pretty face is one I do enjoy
Her motions and manners I do fancy and find full of intrigue
I wonder how she'd react, dare I turn my head?

So I do
And, fleeting but pure, instand but everlasting, our eyes meet
Subtleness in a crowd- but everything- to a couple of possibilities


So vivid, so strong, so high in concentration and focus
The setting allows for little else but this moment
But a moment so rare is a moment so sweet

Like a theft it passes, before either party can absorb the action.
And, defensively, our heads face foreward
And the mind turns a cauldron of hopes and desires, fears and joys

But I sigh
I return to reality, the room, the dry, serious tone of the lecture
From my concersation with Frost, about Snow and Promises, I contemplate the reasons

for my reluctant decline


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


THE CROSSING

This place I never understood
Although by now I think I should
For my time, I've spent here most
From city street, to road, to wood
This town always a peculiar host

It's sort of odd, I not think
To search and seek, a common link
One that shows a solid tone
A true image to write in ink
For this place that I call home

Perhaps it's not this place, but me
That I cannot state, I cannot see
But even still, there is no flow
Of the things that strain to be
Of this town I am to know

People here are rather strange
I cannot place, I cannot name
The things that do disjoint them so
A mixed up notion, against the grain
Like too many seeds for one to sew

If nothing more, an intercept
Fork in the road, I would expect
For those here don't seem to know
What to do, what is next
Where to stay or where to go

Still I fear the trouble is I
Though of this town I don't know why
It seems to ride along a border
Like the clouds on sunlit sky
Floating, drifting, with no order

But this place is wholly good
I do pray, I wish I could
Find out more about its role
See the face that's cloaked by hood
Look through the eyes, into soul

Perhaps someday when I'm older
When mind is clear and winter colder
I'll recall days I used to know
Of good times, of actions bolder
Thoughts of how the crosswinds blow


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

more later
 
Like a theft it passes, before either party can absorb the action.
And, defensively, our heads face foreward
And the mind turns a cauldron of hopes and desires, fears and joys

Those are my fav lines. Good songs well written
 
^
I agree whole heartedly with what Mullen4prez has said, btw good idea about the single threads:wink:
 
This is me venting in a non-artistic way about a thing I don't know what else to call besides love......



.................
AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I love you
Why don't you talk to me
"Oh darling..."- you used to say to me
Please tell me whats going on.......

You're on my mind all the time
Don't you know?
Can't you tell?
Can you feel anything at all?
Can't you feel my pain?

Because I love you
And it's just not the same
If you.....
Don't ...
Feel the same
way too.....


If you don't love me....
then I guess
I won't love you.......

But until you tell me......
I'll just
wait here and

run around
wasting my time
thinking about you
And it's true, yes it's true....

The more I write, the more it hurts..... I know
But my love, I can't bear
to hold it in
...anymore



Because I love you

I just love you

So bad
that......
it hurts.....


(I am invisioning Sting and an acoustic guitar, or some sort of harp. I, in my own crazy mind, can sing it)

The first two works were poems from last year. I don't know what the hell this here is.
--------------------------------------------------------

I might be doing a lot of these the nezt few days. They aren't poems or songs, they are just me venting it out. I have to do it sometimes, even though it hurts. I don't expect any comments, just bear with me for now until I put something good up.
 
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Let me go to sleep tonight

Please let me fall asleep
If I dream, may it come true
So I don't have to wake up alone anymore...

If I sleep
all throught the night
then that is okay too
But I've done that
For far too long
and I just dont think that will do

...anymore.....

BUt I guess I know
that no matter what
I can just
keep-
on-
write - ing

all these words
and maybe I will
because I can't sleep
and tomorrow
might just make me weep, so
I don't know,
maybe I should just
stay awake

Because maybe
3 hours, maybe
but then I'll close my eyes

and maybe then
I'll lay down my head
and I won't wonder why


Love is such a crazy thing
 
It's best for you to let these thoughts flow out of you, you may surprise yourself at how beautiful and pained they can be
 
My internal dialouge

Look.... here's the deal......

A serious situation has lead me to want to write something.
This is an exscript from a conversation.
But what I write below it is impracticle venting
It is not how I feel towards the subject neccesarily.



JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: indulgence.....
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: *sigh*
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: alright
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: I
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: .....
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: I
JoshuaTreePride [11:25 PM]: wish I could do more
************ [11:25 PM]: well you vna
************ [11:25 PM]: can
JoshuaTreePride [11:25 PM]: what do you mean
************ [11:26 PM]: i dont know
************[11:26 PM]: but dont make me fell bad
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: I don't want to
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: but
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: I would rather you upset with me
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: than
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: doing other things
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: so if that's
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: the price
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: maybe I should
************ [11:26 PM]: :-(
JoshuaTreePride [11:26 PM]: Good
JoshuaTreePride [11:27 PM]: hate me
JoshuaTreePride [11:27 PM]: and
************ is away at 11:27 PM
JoshuaTreePride [11:27 PM]: stop everything else



JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: You shouldn't let
JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: a kid
JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: tell you
JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: how you are
JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: your feelings about yourself
JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: come from you
JoshuaTreePride [11:08 PM]: and not anyone else
************[11:08 PM]: so you are suggesting that i ask myself to have (sex) with (myself)?
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: um.....
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: (don't try to distract me..... it might work....)
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: anyhow,,,,,
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: what "he" did may not be right or wrong
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: but you shouldn't base your esteem on that
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: furthermore,
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: you are not
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: a puppet
JoshuaTreePride [11:09 PM]: or a toy
JoshuaTreePride [11:10 PM]: that other people play with when they want
JoshuaTreePride [11:10 PM]: and that other people don't care about when they are not playing with you
JoshuaTreePride [11:10 PM]: you deserve to be cared about all the time
JoshuaTreePride [11:10 PM]: and
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: You have to understand, Sarah, that
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: you can be madly in love with someone
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: AND
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: be respected all the time
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: and still feel like
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: "it's all good"
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: I really don't want you to become a person where
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: you do'nt feel comfortable unless there is something wrong with a relationship
JoshuaTreePride [11:12 PM]: that's really, really, really dangerous
************ [11:12 PM]: what if i am like that, already ... :-(? jesse i'm scared


...........


JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: indulgence.....
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: *sigh*
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: alright
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: I
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: .....
JoshuaTreePride [11:24 PM]: I
JoshuaTreePride [11:25 PM]: wish I could do more
************ [11:25 PM]: well you vna
************ [11:25 PM]: can
JoshuaTreePride [11:25 PM]: what do you mean


....(This is still the truth: I knew exactly what she meant. The fiction that follows is what I would have said to her)......

///////


I know what you mean
....and I know what it all means
But I'm worried that you'll just end up loving me....

I think you already do.......


And I..... don't want to have the same thing happen to you
that happened to me
Because i fell in love
with someone who I wanted to love me
But she never saw me for anything more than someone to help
"Brotherly love"........


But, Sarah...... I
You already know
How I am about love
But................................


I don't want my personal interests to mess this up
I want to help you
I want you to see that you don't........



"I want you to know
That you don't need anyone
Or anything at all.......

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know, where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't want to see you cry"


(I don't want to see you cry, Sarah........)

"I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes"


I know you are hurting so bad that you want some love
and you really deserve it
You need it
And I could give it to you
I could just
Let you have it
I could control you

I know I could shape your entire life
I could do whatever I wanted..........


But.............................

I don't......
know it that's the right thing to do



Because if I should leave, then what becomes of you?


.........."For Honor"......................





Or should I just give in
and take you



make you.......
.....................
mine


I know........ that............
you want me to..................................



And even the stars are telling me to consider this......
I


I know I would take care of you....
and maybe
I should have
from the beginning
years ago
and none of those things would have happened to you
if I was there


to make you happy
and to show you how
love should be..........




But now you are crying............?
And I'm a part of it now
I don't want you to feel alone.......






But still, I just don't know
What is the best
or what is right


I know I care about you
alot
and I know I can control my love
and I know that you would probably
.......be very good to me......



Damn,,,,,,,, I better not think about that too much...............








,,,,,,,,,,,,

"What do boys think of me?"
"Bagability?"
"I love sex...."
"Maybe after you get your hair cut"
"You look hot in that sweater"
"you can"

I know, you've said all those before........

............

"JoshuaTreePride [11:10 PM]: you deserve to be cared about all the time
JoshuaTreePride [11:10 PM]: and
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: You have to understand, Sarah, that
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: you can be madly in love with someone
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: AND
JoshuaTreePride [11:11 PM]: be respected all the time



.......
Well, why don't I just show you what I mean..........





Shhhhhhhhhhhhit..........

I hope I don't loose control..... becaue I could
.....just........
dominate you............


And.......you.......want me to.........
It's so tempting.........



I know, I could....... but...............







You have such a nice voice.........and............




************ [10:55 PM]: guys arent supposed to turn a girl down for that unless she is fat or smelly or somthing else is hideously wrong with her..




************ [10:35 PM]: at least with you, you can say what my parents would mean to say but be rational about it
JoshuaTreePride [10:35 PM]: well, what do you mean by rational? if I may ask
************ [10:35 PM]: not screaming at me and saying that you will make me quit my jobs and take my car away etc. etc.
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: no
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: I can't do that anyways
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: and screaming
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: isn't good for anyone
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: I don't like it
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: and I have sensitive ears, on top of that!
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: WEll.. (there is one kind of screaming that I love to hear..... but thats another story...... )

sorry....
JoshuaTreePride [10:36 PM]: BUt
JoshuaTreePride [10:37 PM]: I will be practicle
************[10:37 PM]: EW?!

JoshuaTreePride [10:37 PM]: and reasonsab;e
************[10:37 PM]: OOMG EW?
************[10:37 PM]: (;-)i am a very vocal person...)
JoshuaTreePride [10:37 PM]: damn,I knew I shouldnt have said that






I knew I shouldn't have said that.....




So the question is, Sarah.....
Is it right to replace one addiction with another?
One relationship wihth another?


I know I could have you
I know I could make you submissive and do whatever I wanted
I know you'd let me, and you'd love me
BUt I don't know

if
that's what you need.


I know it's what you want
And maybe, in one sense
"It's better me than someone else"

but...............




I know I'm just what you need
I just don't know
what part of me you need




or do you

need





all of me?


==================
 
Actually, that last post is exactly how I feel


funny, I didn't want it to come out, but there it is anyways....
I guess it's better.
Complete sincerity, even with myself.
.........

I just hope this is the right place to put it
 
The one thing
that gets me the most
is the way you
desire
for me to
take you



It's the ultimate male "dream".....
A damsel in distress
a beauty
a fallen beauty
a cinderella
who would love to love a love

a Libra

a lover
indecisive

I love her?
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know


Do I want to?
A little....
But I know that's not an answer

Do I want her body?
Well...........
Yes and no


Don't you flirt all the time?
Well......
Yeah

I



I just don't know
But I know
I am to make the decision soon


There is a window in the heavens....
And I am being asked
to make a decision


But I don't know
I don't know




Can she use her eyes against you?
Yeah, she could
she could

Can she use her thighs against you?
Yeah, she could
Yeah......
She could......

DO you want to hear her moan?
Yeah, I - -
......................
..............
.......


.................................
I don't know


But I know
that any other "guy"
would be going after her right now

BUt I'm not that way
But I think that's why

she


wants me to.........




and that's why

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know...
 
I have a presentation tomorrow
It's not done yet
How about that
what do you expect
...........
.........


I'll be up all night
working on something
schoolwork or love
what's it to you?


I work so hard for what i want most
and right now thats love
not right now- all the time
but I wonder
and I wonder
and i wonder

cause I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

..............................



And now I hear her voice
and I am tempted
into wanting her
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


But I have a project to work on, right?
And homework?
Right?

Right?
Right?

..........?


I don't know

What's the homework
What's the project
What is love?

I don't know..........




.........................................


Look, if you want something in your mouth that will take your mind off things.......................................

See? There I go
Am I slipping?
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know........


Vocal
a singer
Yeah, I bet you are
I want you to sing
for me
so I can hear it.........

So I can hear how you sound
when you are most pleased.........

Please me?
Or you?
Which is it?
Which do I do?

Huh?
What?

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know.......



Shold I be a writer?
Or a psychologist?
Sociology?

DR Phil

Love......
What?
Huh?

Her voice again.....

and then Elissa?
I don't even know about her either
I don't know



......

"Recycling is hot....."
"Hot sweater, Jesse"
"I like the hat, Jesse"

"Don't you think"

"You are a good friend"

And I say; 'my pleasure'




My pleasure?
Huh?
What?
Me?
Me?

That's right.... I
I never thought about me.......
But what do I want?

I don't know
Yes, I do
that's all I know

I just want
people
to get what they need
and I'll be fine


huh?
come on
If you want something
you've got to take it
take it
take it
take her
take them
all

what did I write before?
let me see......

41 lessons learned..........
let me see....
let me see
let me see.......

#12
"Go ahead,
stare everyone of them
in the eyes.
I am supposed to
dominate anyways,
it's in my name"

yeah, that's it
it is
it is
it is

But Zen says:
Everything's
impermenent


hmm
hmm
hmm


......

I guess I want her?
Yeah
yeah
yeah?

I don't know.

"Go ahead"

I don't know
"Go ahead"
I don't know
"stare everyone of them"
I don't know
"in the eyes"
I don't know
"I am"
I don't know
"Supposed to"
I don't know
"Dominate"

Dominate
Dominate
Dominate.....



"It;s"
I don't know
"In"
I don't know
"my name"
I don't know


4,1,3
4,1,3
4,1,3

That's my name
that's my name
that's my name

4,1,3


Positive characteristics: Reliable, trustworthy. Sturctured and Disciplined. Makes steady progress

Negative: Rigid. Lacks pasion, creativity, and tolerance


But I hear
somewhere else
that my name
that my name
that my name

means
"The gift"
a gift?
the gift
The gift?


or was it
"God is here"
"God is here"
"God is here"

I don't know...........


Am I God?
Am I Love?
Am I .......?

I'm Jesse......

I'm Jesse


what's that mean?
what's that mean?
what's that mean?


I don't know.........
 
I feel a little weird right now...... I'mnot tired, but I just feel like writing more. (edit:hungry......)

That project is meaningless to me now........
Am I going t delude yself into not caring aobut it?
or am I just seeing the truth-

I never cared about it to begin with.......
 
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I'm going to be so tired, because I know I won't sleep
If I do, it's too late, unless I get the day off, but I know
mom won't have that....


so whatever


I'll just tell her the truth
I was up all night writing about stuff
Important things
things I need to figure out

She won't understand
But it's the truth
when I write
it's all for me
all for me and no one else
unless i write For You
but this here
everywhere
is for me
it makes me think
in a way
and some ways
it makes me not think

and it just comes
it just comes
I don;t have any distortion
between what I
think
in my head
and what comes out on the keys
into the type
thats;a amazing
this is pure thought
that's why it's so
raw

BUt really..... and I slow down for a moment here......
That's what I like best- raw, pure, real
So that's why I do it.

Maybe I get slight addictions to it everynow and then
visual, touch
output, input
mind
mind mind

yeah, that's got to be rolling no matter what
I can't tell

can't tell if it's my mind working
or if I'm outsmartingmyself
and avoiding things
like the project

or is this what I'm supposed to be working on anyways
this is the grander project
in my life, this has more signifigance

this time
this moment
these thoughts
they will affect me
far longer than the end of this year
I dont' like senioritis
I dont embrace it

but maybe I have got it

maybe





but what the hell is this?
just venting?
I dknot know......


if someone was to talk to me now
or IM me
I wonder what I would say....

would it be something straight from my soul?
Really, Im not "tired offf my ass"
I'm just

in some sort of a write-zone......
 
For Honor said:
Wow, that last post reminds me a lot of Cloud, Cloud Strife, from FF VII........

hmm......

And that dude had problems, let alone being a clone et al but it's good to vent, keep it all up my man
 
Quite frankly, I have this weird feeling about my past, in that I can see alternate realities and paths.

...

and people keep saying that I remind them of someone....

it's very strange........
 
Squall's a nother story.................


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Wait a second..............




I've just realized
that everyone I've ever been close to outside of my family
has associated me with someone else in some way........
 
I"m sorry if this thread becomes an ongoing internal dialouge, but so be it... If anyone wants to shut it down, they can. Just let me get some things off it before it gets desroyed.


======================




So you say I remind you
of someone you think you know
but how can you say that to me
when you can't even see my soul

If I am someone else, then why don't I know you?
Why am I still outside, looking in, through the view?

Have I died
and been reborn again
as something all to different?



I have no past....
I have no childhood
I have no ties
I have no family

am I a character in some movie?
That's what it feels like
Or am I
just a ghost....


YOu can hear me and see me
recognize me
and I'll scare you
but
the thing is
you'll never know me

And I'll never be known......



....What did I write
once before,,,,?



I'm only a figment of your imaginiation
and you won't
no, you won't


remember me when I'm gone
 
I don't say this out of fear
I don't say this out of solitude
I say this because I've felt it
deep down inside


......


I've been waiting for something
a calling for me to run to
for my adventure to begin
for my life to take shape....

I know I have a purpose here
but "here" is what seems to be the trouble....
I don't think I'm supposed to be here
I should be someplace else
doing something that matters.....

and not just passing the time
and learning my lessons
my 41 lessons
my 41 lessons learned

but have not yet been mastered.......


I see the people
each on a part of the whole
I see through the barriers
I think I can see their soul

I see the people in the halls
on the streets, in the cars
they are just movine
and they don't know where they are

but what am I supposed to do
what am I supposed to be
How can I fufil my role
How can I realize my desitiney

I don't know how to start....

But I can feel it in my heart...



When I am quiet, and I listen
especially at night
I can feel it
What I need to do
In the calm
In the silence
It makes sense

and that's when
I can see

the stars


I remember.....
for the longest time, I've always asked

"are you the same stars?"
the same stars "as _____" was always different

the ones that many men have looked at before
the ones that she is looking at
the ones that will be there after I die
the ones that were there before I was born



the stars can speak to me, because.....
they let me see
the connection


the one thing
that is

all


the thing I am
a part of
and whoever reads this is too

so that's why it makes sense to me
when I look into the night
BUt still I wonder


about the time
when I will look at the stars
and know the difference
between then
and now


Bu I'll just wait....

I suppose that is, well...

my fate
 
Yeah...... that's right

There is something about silence that allows you to see more clearly...... and you can tell a lot by how one reacts to

being alone and not doing anything
Some people can't stand it
others don't mind it so much



But really what I was getting at, and I will elaborate on this at some other time, is how silence, often at night, or sometimes during the day, allows you to see what really matters
 
This one isn't about peace
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

so have it your way
that;s what you want, right?
Just leave me alone, then
Don't tease me
Don't even try
don't bother

what's wrong with you?
Don't you know who I am
Don't you know what I am?
Don't you know anythiing?


I hate to say it
but you are a bitch
the only one I've ever met
Not because I care for you
not because I feel for you
But because you are a complete liar

you don't even treat me as a friend
YOu don't even show respect
or courtesy

what's wrong with you?
I don't get it
"Have you no scruples?"


- "or should I go Socratic on you?


I hope you've been Socratic this whole time, because now you get to see what I feel like, right? But hey, I really doubt you'll even read this.

That's pretty cowardly, actually.
You don't want to face it
you don't want to deal with it.

What, you don't want to get hurt?
or you just don't care?


Either way, I have to say, I'm disappointed in you.
Yeah, I'm a little hurt, but that's beside the point
You lost a lot of character points."



And don't even think
"oh, he doesn't understand'
because you're damn right I don't
and that is not my fault
it's yours, "darling"
because you

don't get it

You don't understand that you have to talk about stuff


My communication was not a sign of weakness
it was what needed to be done
but you
are so.............
such a child

that you probably see that as me faltering


you don't even get it
you
you........

I had so much hope in you
I thought you couild see
but now you are like all the rest
who have fallen below me

I thought you could undestand
I thought I didn't need to explain


......but no
no no no

You are
noboby to me....



All I want is
"Nobody like you......"
"Somebody to me......"

So I can have my Pride
In the name of Love




But not even you
you can't see
what I mean......

"nobody to me"
 
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Should I enjoy this or do you see that as me, abusing your emotions, I often feel that I do that in my own work, you know use the feelings of others to push forward my artistic needs, it's all rather selfish, back on track though are you feeling any better because of this?
 
I am Love/I am deceived

-----------------

I was there
when you were about to die
I held you here
kept you alive

I was the last one you saw
before you closed your eyes
you even recoverd to tell me
YOu were to be my prize

Oh yes, I am love
I will always be here
I will always care for you
You will always be dear

I will always love you
More than you will know
I will always hold you close
Even when the harsh winds blow

I will be the one to last
to be there for all time
Even if you never meet me
unconditioinal love is mine


And to you...... the other........

I will be here for you
when you hear may break
when it's love you come to seek
I will not forsake

Because I am love in itself
I am love of love for love
because love is what I am
Because I am for love

When you look into his eyes
and it is I that you see me
Don't worry about the the time
Don't you worry about me

Because I am love of love in love
And no one will understand
BUt no mater what they say
I know I am what i am

I will try to guide you close
to what I think should be
but even if that doens't happen
you'll always be loved by me

I know you don't understand
I think no one ever will
why I do what I do- I do
At least you get your fill

You don't know who I am
But I remind you of someone else
Even if we never meet
I will show you how it's felt

I am love in it's shrouded form
I am love that no one sees
I am the love that you can't touch
I am love in all degrees

When you look into my eyes
You may not see my soul
But when you sense familiarity
Maybe then you'll know


why I am love.......

(Don't you see..... I remind you of the love you desire
and I reflect that onto you.... but you may not notice it.)


It it difficult....
to be able to conceive....
what it is you want;
what it is you need....

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is my justification, my works cited:



"You have such a calming presence
"You have such a nice, soothing voice
"He always makes a difference - you can tell when he's not in the room
"When I close my eyes, the last thing I could think of was you
"I dreamed about us getting married...
"I dreamed about you, us, together....
"You always make me feel so good
"Nobody makes me feel the way you do....
"I don't think I can live without ever touching you
"All I want is my own (hero)
"I want to be held like that
"You know what I like...
"You remind me of someone else
"Do you have a brother?
"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like someone else?
"You remind me of (my old boyfriend)
"You have the same look in your eyes
"I'm scared...
"Aren't you proud of me?
"Only you
"I don't make fun of other (guys), only you
"You're such a good friend
"You look like someone else...
" 'Shows leadership and is helpful to others' "
"You're ahead of your time"
"You carried them
"Are you okay? That was a hard fall....
"Your eyes remind me of .....
"When she said it sounded like someone from the outside posted, I thought about asking if it was you...
"You are a good son
"I don't now how you do it
"Thanks for being so good
"I'm sorry it has to be like this
"But I feel like what we've got is unconditional, so I don't need to "worry" about you right now
"No, no others. Don't say that
"Oh Jesse..."



There it is. That's most of it.
So many memories.......
I remeber exactly how and when those statements were made to me. Every one.

Some of them are daggers, some of them are ispirational.
But at least I can say that I have spread some love around this world.


=============================================



I am deceived...




You lie
all of you
you don't give a damn
what the hell?
Come on
you really
really
don't
expect me to belive you
do you?

You are not concerned for me
you don't know what it means to care
you jsut lie to yourself
and then you feast
you devour, consume
my love, my care
you use it all up
you fucking waste it
you waste it all
all of you
you don't know how preciosus it is
it;s MY LOVE
and what do you do with it?

Thorw it on the groud
step on it
use it to cover your bloody wounds
Use it to dry your eyes
You use it to comb your hair
to make yourself feel better,to give yourself
some confidence, just so you can let someone else reap the rewards!
THe rewards!
Rape the rewards.......

ALl my work
all my love
just for someone else to
Get something out of you


No one
not one person
no one ever
never
never
never
never
never
never
has reciproacated anything close to what I have given


what's wrong with you people?
I don't get it
you all take it
and lie to my face about it
But you just take it

Sure, whatever you say
as long as you are giving, I don't care


Well, who the fuck is going to give something back to me?
Huh?



Or am I the only one who cares
the only one who knows what it's like
the only one who knows the pain
the only one who loves

But still I do, I know that
But am I the only one..........?




STOP Wasting my love!
STop it
stop stop stop
don't even talk to me
because you don't know
you don't know
it's not your fault
you just don't know


it's not your fault.......
so
should i.......
tell you?
Should I explain my love?



Hmm...............






(Wow, I didn't expect this to lead me here.... )

Should I explain to others what I do and why I do it?
.......
I really don't think they know
So, it's foolish to get upset at all of them....
Maybe they are just not accustomed to someone caring in the way I do
As much as I do.....
......maybe I shoud try to explain that
It's worth a shot- it would probably save me some trouble...




But why haven't I thought of this before....
or why have I always hesitated
about expressing my feelings..........?
 
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I forgot somehing:

************[12:50 PM]: but then instead, i told //// that i had one in my purse and that i wasnt sure i really wanted to be a smoker and asked him if he wanted it
JoshuaTreePride [12:50 PM]: why would you need to smoke if you got what you already wanted?
JoshuaTreePride [12:51 PM]: sorry, I'm just being confrontational with someone else, and I don't mean for that to rub off on you too much
************ [12:52 PM]: well i gave him my cigarette and he put them with his pack
JoshuaTreePride [12:52 PM]: ....alright
************[12:52 PM]: isnt that good?
************[12:52 PM]: arent you proud
JoshuaTreePride [12:52 PM]: Well, I guess it's better than you smoking
JoshuaTreePride [12:52 PM]: yeah
************ [12:52 PM]: i was thnking about you just a little when me and //// were together
************[12:53 PM]: lol
************[12:53 PM]: not to be weird or anything
JoshuaTreePride [12:53 PM]: ...
JoshuaTreePride [12:53 PM]: well
JoshuaTreePride [12:53 PM]: I guess that's a good thing
************[12:53 PM]: just cas youer eyes are kinda the same and i was thinking about what you might have said if i had smoked with him
JoshuaTreePride [12:54 PM]: I don't know why I always remind people of other people..... but

at least I sort of helped you make a better decision about things


---------------------------------------------------------


So........ you were thinking about me..... was that before, or after you had sex with him?

What the hell is this supposed to mean to me?




Yeah, I'm so glad you thought about me while you were with another guy.......

(Note: this girl is a friend of mine - not a girlfriend, just a frien. Our relationship has gotten closer recently, though)


I wonder, really, what this is supposed to mean to me....
 
ZeroDude said:
Should I enjoy this or do you see that as me, abusing your emotions, I often feel that I do that in my own work, you know use the feelings of others to push forward my artistic needs, it's all rather selfish, back on track though are you feeling any better because of this?


Quite frankly, I don't write for anyone else but me
I can't really do that, for some reason


I write to find answers for myself
It's like an external form of thinking
I don't know if these should be journal entries or public, but maybe someone can get something out of them.


If anyone enjoys reading that stuff, by allmeans, go ahead


BUt I write for myself - to find the answer
I don't do it to please anyone



Do I feel any better from writting all of this?
Hmm......

I don't know
I feel like I understand things much better now
And I feel like
I have "gotten some things off my chest"
and this is a sometwhat healthy environment

not only can I use the
return key

as much as I want ( :) )
but it's a place where I can see what I wrote before, and it has become a decent environment for me.


I don't feel any worse
And sometimes, I need to exhaust myself in someway
before I can feel at peace, or even go to sleep sometimes.

Sometimes writing is the best thing
 
Also, this artistic (well,sometimes) release is a good "escape" from my

business like attitude in other aspects of my life.
I spend a lot of time taking things in, so letting things come from the inside to the outside is probably very, very healthy for me.

I have an odd level of awarness, and if it isn't regulated, I think that's when problems arise.
 
^
But I often wonder that without lifes complexities and worries would we all feel as alive? Even though I preach for people to be grateful and not to get hung up about things be it themselves or someone they love or family troubles, I find myself unable to let go, it's puzzling
 
True, and it should be known that the way I write here is not how I am all the time

that's the best thing about it!
Writing it realeases it from my body, and lets the energy go back into the flow of things.


I am actually am really getting into Zen, and things related to that - stoicism, bushido code, etc. But it seems like love and all the rest will not avoid themselves of me yet.

And that's fine.


I think that love and zen can mix, passion and calm
You cannot "avoid suffering", I think that's pretty stupid to do.
YOu can realize it's impermenance

BUt you can also celebrate everything
even pain

but I'm not like hurt, as in crying. Not today at least. It just..... well.... for me....... writing out is addicting

When I write, I have so much to say, all the time.
Even this message.... I can just keep going
THe hardest thing, and it for me it is a sign of a really good spell of writing, is

finding an appropriate ending.

I hate to go back and delete stuff to make things shorter- I feel taht takes away from the purity, even if it is lengthy- so I don't.


Everything I write is pretty raw, with exception to my first two poems- I wrote those for school last year and took time making appropriate rhymes and such. But as far as this thread goes, it's all direct from my mind to the screen, no though about thought, and if I do, I write whay I am thinking, usually.

That's why it's so powerful to me, I think.
NOt that I can't help myself, but more that it's empowering, perhaps.


I think I should stop here.
I can always write another post....

by the by, I'm putting most of these in my journal now,
Internal Defragmentation Koans.

hah
 
Eloquent title, anyhow I had a brief flirtation with studying the Bushido, but alot of eastern philosphy and wisdom leaves me cold, i.e. I find it too impersonal, sure in practice it can be great but so can something as implausible as communism also, but whatever gives you peace and yet allows one to retain human nature as in being emotionally active is probaly what I myself am looking for and still haven't found.

I'm glad you respect spontanaety in your work I myself never actually revise anythingI write unless I really need to, it really does take away from the power of it all, the power to have you lost in someone elses thoughts and mental meanderings, thank you for involving me in this converstaion
 
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