FH's Thread II - - - - "I am going on a journey..."

[For Honor]

FH's thread - I'll write more over time ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Last page ) For Honor 440 2000 10-18-2005 11:40 PM by For Honor

I guess it is one of those moments where it looks like a "sign". I copied and pasted the outer appearance of my original "FH's thread"; page numbers, originator, # replies, # views, last post day, and who made the last post. One of those brief moments in history....In one way, it helps me justify my decision a little more.



As I mentioned in my original thread, I've decided to go on a bit of a journey. This isn't some online gimmick or something, I'm actually quite serious, and even if it doesn't show online, it will play a role in my universal personality. I will do my best to describe this journey (or at least the view I have of it from here - the very beginning) in my initial post here.......


To begin...
Oddly enough, I am associating this journey with music, and U2. And as I mentioned in my original thread, I'm going back in time, in a small way. The first album I ever purchased on my own free will was "The Joshua Tree", and I believe the second was "The Unforgettable Fire" (edit - actually, it was this order: JT; Best of 1980; Rattle&Hum; UF. However, UF is second in significance, because it was the last album prior to my 'transformation' of sorts. War, and AB, are 'post-transformation', as far as my U2 collection goes. (U2 is the only/most influential band in my life)). There was a time when that was all I had musically in my life. More so, there was a time when that was all I had in my life, period.

Why this is significant to me, well, it's hard to explain. It is an odd combination of things: Having to go backwards in order to make real forward progress; letting go to see if something is worthy of holding on to; spiritual cleansing; I know this has something to do with love, somehow, or my interpretation of it; integrity; and most ...... most...... and the most........ essential thing is

"who I am".


-



I always expect to be searching for the answer to that question, no doubts there. I am not foolish enough to expect to find a definite, absolute answer on this 'journey', nor at any other time in my life. But at this moment, I've reached a point - be it a point of turning or a point of solidification I know not. I am definitely at a certain crossroads of sorts. And I believe I have to take this opportunity in order to ... to be my authentic self, (to put it simply).

It's... heh.... it's 12:00am exactly on my laptop clock. October 19th, Wednesday, 2005. And I've got my luggage, my baggage packed. I just got back from visiting someone, and now I'm on the go again. Come and go, come and go..... that was always a part of my life....

I guess it's a fitting beginning
to a return.



It seems that once again I am trying to do the impossible - moving forwards and backwards at the same time.
I suppose it's not the first in such a category, though - I've already loved without seeing...


=================
=================
=================
=================


So yes, this is my new thread. As you can tell, there is a whole theme going, but it is still always open to comments, suggestions, etc etc.

I wonder what will become of this new thread, this new entity, this path that lies before me. But I know I'm going to go down it, and there is a certain comfort in such a thing.I am remembering one interferencer who's signature reads "Uncertainty could be our guiding light". The comfort, though, is, I believe, mostly from the feeling of taking action. This storm has been brewing for a long time, and it is soothing to finally be able to work on this new project, to go down this road.

In addition, or should I say conclusion, to what has already been written, let me try to give a perhaps more objective explanation, or at least different perspective, on what this may be about: I know I am a person who integrates many things into my own perspective on the world, and because of this, my view, my grand scheme is always changing, and growing, and adapting. At this moment in time, I've decided to review, and back-track a few years. I do not know what I'll find, but I hope to find myself in some ways. I say that because as of late, I've been conflicted about some things, and really have become unclear as to what, or who, I am. Not so much that I don't want to live a lie. But that... that I seek to have, or keep, confidence in me being "who I am".


Another vague mission statement of sorts...
But so be it.
It's my own journey...

But maybe if I post it here... other people can keep me informed about the world around me, about other's existences, or similarities, or anything else. I don't know. That part isn't up to me - it's up to you.


If we should cross paths, though... I'll try to greet you warmly, even if my head is off in the distance, looking at something else

 

[For Honor]

Jesse's Journey Journal

I've decided to take this journey into my journal. I am going to designate a lot of entries to this quest, and it will be obvious in their title. The journals will be more about directly linking thoughts and actions online, and in real life, to this quest. Where as this thread will be more geared towards the more "meat and potatoes" of this journey.

This is as much a notice to everyone else as it is a personal reminder, so I don't forget to use my journal!

 

[For Honor]

Day 1



All I can say is...... "children".

This journey, this time that I'm going through.... It's making me think not only about my maturities, but also my immaturities. I know my maturities have shifted, but I didn't really acknowledge the shift in my immaturities. I still have a certian naivete....... (which I despise)




Both Sides Cut



Cold
Icy
Pain endoresed, magnified by fear
Fear of losing what no hand could hold
Pain from learning, being born into the world
Of reality.

Built brick by brick
Burning inside from the frozen cold
No touch; without contact.
Waiting
Keeping the vigil, for to find his own expectations
Protect it
Keep yourself safe from the pain
Minimalize
Even your own lies
They lie to you.

The bright bright spotlight
It's far too much for the face
Blistered and scared from the pain
Can't take the shadows
But they had to take me
Because I made them

Years upon years of training
Shaping
Molding
Tendencies so strong, rooted so deep
Yet.... ... ........


Eliectically charged
Dart the eyes
Dot the T's
"Yes, yes... yes indeed"
Dancing, dancing with the grocceries
Push the cart, alabam left, alabam right
Check out girl gives me a smile
And things like that just make me smile
Seeking, seeking
Searching
Look in the eyes of everyone to see
See whats inside
Don't even think, just react

And that's the trap
And that's the trap...

That's what scares me, to lose control
Auto pilot
Engine explodes
Going down
Going down under
I'm flying without wings
Got no steering wheel

Ambition bites the nails of success...


I want to be solid
I want to manipuate the electicity
I want to stare in the eyes
Of all those infront of me
I want to let loose my dance and charm
I want to maintain the quiet confidence

The trouble is...... ........ accepting I'm I multi-dimensional character.

But damn......... it's hard.

 

[For Honor]

Day 1 - extended reflection


I realize that sometimes I frustrate myself, because I can embrace my own inherent contradiction, but sometimes it is too much for even me, and I don't know how to ... harness it.

I mean, I love to make some little artistic things - like my signatures - but i don't like visiting art musuems a whole lot (they are okay, and I go to them, but not my cup of tea). I like hard theory, and practicality, but dry philosophy often seems... foolish to me.


Oddly enough, I think getting a digital camera will help me here. Not only to get photos of my up on the internet, and incorperate them into my sig and such (before I lose my hair! (I'm not really losing my hair, but I'm sure it's coming)), but also, because I like photography a lot. But it has to

ah.... I've stumbled across something

"It has to be the right balance between artistic and practicality"


Many things are that way in my life, and I suppose I am that way myself. It is very difficult for me to do.....

 

[For Honor]

Day 2 - afternoon

Heh..... in progress............

 

[For Honor]

Re: Jesse's Journey Journal

I've decided to take this journey into my journal. I am going to designate a lot of entries to this quest, and it will be obvious in their title. The journals will be more about directly linking thoughts and actions online, and in real life, to this quest. Where as this thread will be more geared towards the more "meat and potatoes" of this journey.

This is as much a notice to everyone else as it is a personal reminder, so I don't forget to use my journal!

I hope there wasn't any confusion about this. The "journal" that I was speaking of was my actual Interference Journal. Everyone has one. You can visit my own here:

FH's Journal


If you don't use your journal, I suggest you do, because it's a pretty cool feature, and Interference is a pretty awesome site. I guess if you thought this thread here, this was my journal....... I guess that could be confusing. But no, this is my thread, FH's second thread. I made it because my other one was getting to be really long, 30 pages, and although I personally would like to keep it all in one spot, I guess you're suppose to not threads get too long (correct me if I'm wrong, moderators).


Anyhow, this is my new Headquarters, so to say. But, intially at least, I'm keeping my posts with a common theme. However, anyone else can post anything else that they want here, they don't have to relate it to my own little "journey" thing. THat's just........ my quest at the moment........

But everyone else can use or view this in the same way the did my original thread. I hope that clears up any uncertainties.



As for me, I guess my writing is pretty slow at the moment, but it's coming.... I learn a little more every day.....

 

[For Honor]

Day 4


I woke up this morning, and Diane's words were in my head. She spoke of a contradiction, but at least I could relate to it, I could... understand it.


more later, time is.... of the essenence.......

 

[For Honor]

Day 5

"I am a rock" - Simon and Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

 

[For Honor]

Re: Day 5

"I am a rock" - Simon and Garfunkel

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

"In the arms of sleep" - Smashing Pumpkins

Sleep will not come to this tired body now
Peace will not come to this lonely heart
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
I need you tonite
I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
Cause I'll always miss her wherever she goes
And I'll always need her more than she could ever need me
I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes a someone is so hard to find
And I'll do anything to keep her here tonite
And I'll say anything to make her feel alright
And I'll be anything to keep her here tonite
Cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite
She comes to me like an angel out of time
As I play the part of a saint on my knees
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire for you

^ smashing pumpkins. Also, not neccesarily the lyrics, but the heavy moodiness, the heavy atmostpher of "1979" also goes in here...... "1979" was my first real "favorite song". But that was purely for the music, and not so much for the lyrics. That's why it can't be compared to "PRIDE" as my favorite nowadays. But still, "1979" will always remind me of my past, some of those golden days of innocence in my youth. Especially the summer skies at my grandparents place, up by the creek up north...

(Oh yeah... I'm not a big Smashing Pumpkins fan, just 1979, really. And also, in the arms of sleep, slightly... I've been there; I can relate......)


==============

Now, as far as Day 4 goes..... allow me to finish it up:



i want a bad boy that is not really bad
but just seems like one
i want the perfect guy!!!

Diane, I know you'd kill me for quoting you like this, because you really speak much more eloquently than it sounds here. But those words, they made a lot of sense to me, as per out total conversation.

At least it was a contradiction that I could relate to. Mayeb something I can guide myself towards. I realize that the way I work is that I (and this is a Gemini trait, which is somewhere in my astrological chart...) I try to emulate people, especially those I respect or idealize, who I see fit to follow their lead. But the thing with Squall was..... it was so odd to find someone that was emulating me. It was like reversing it.


But that contradiciont, between bad boy and good guy...... it made sense on many levels. Attraction, connection, seduction, short term / long term, and also; what is the ideal male like? Not just from a man or woman's perspective, either.

It was/is refreshing to know that there is a sort of contradiction, a multi-facetedness involved. And at least that is something I can relate to, and perhaps exploit.


Ulitimately, I still believe everyone creates their own reality, whether they are consciously aware of this or not. (there's a certian type, brand, of psychology that is like this, I forgot the name.) Yet I realize that there are people born with mental disorders, etc.... but then again, mutation and genetic variation is a major part of life, of adaptation on a whole, as perhaps potential growth. People, speaking in short term, notice specific differences and can discrimiate. But long term, differences relate to evoloution, etc etc.......

Anyhow.......

I think over the coming days of this continued journey, I think I will go back to Diane's words a few times. Combined with my other studies.... I think it helps to put the peices of the puzzle together, or at least more so.........

 

[For Honor]

Day 5 cont.

"Dreams" - Van Halen


World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin' down
Better change your tune
Yeah, you reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby, just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

Yeah, we'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
Higher and higher
Leave it all behind
Oh, we'll get higher and higher
Who knows what we'll find?

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

And in the end on dreams we will depend
'Cause that's what love is made of

"Blood, sweat and tears... it's a worthy price to pay..."

 

[For Honor]

Day 6

"the gift of pain"


So I've finally realized what it's all about.
I am reminded of "full metal alchemist", but only because my friend is a fan, and it shares a commonality:


pain allows for progress; every action requirese something, an exertion of a force, etc. I believe this is even scientific, Newtown's laws. But you see... pain is a neccesarily, because it allows for growth.

Just like old muscle tissues must be torn down through labor in order to be rebuilt anew, stronger. All things are as such.

But I think, emotionally, people confuse pain, the tearing down and wearing out with "bad" or "negative". Really, though, there is no such thing as bad, or negative. Or good, or evil. Those are all words, and thoughts, man created (in his own image, I might add). But anyway, the point I'm trying to make in this realization is that the common occurance of "pain" is really an oppertunity, it is a stress that causes something to break down.



THE WHOLE POINT OF PAIN IS TO MAKE PROGRESS; REGROWTH. So few people seem to overlook that, and just focus on the personal, internal hurt. Which is absurd.

I am taken aback when I say that 'I like the weather, isn't it nice out' and get a response of 'it's cold, dark, rainy... and cold...'. It's like...... they expect it to be something else. Instead of considering the beauty of the moment, they focus on their personal (illusionary and especially temporary) "discomfort", or maybe even minor pain, if you will.


But today, Day 6, just about 4am, I made a huge "discovery", about pain. Pain is a gift. (note: all my words are so..... so vauge. I don't like words any more, since they are so inspecific.....)

But really, next time you experience pain, or stress, or anger, think of it, seriously, as an oppertunity.



I mean, even Batman Begins:

"Why do we fall down?"

"So we can learn how to pick ourselves up again"


Why is there pain?
So we can rebuild ourselves as stronger again.


Buddhists - consider this with "eternal change". ANd really, what I've said about pain here, that's LIFE 101 in and of itself, isn't it? Biology.....




See...... this is what I like most - when things start connection. Because that means there there is a tiny drop of significance to it...

 

[For Honor]

Day 6 - a new signature image...

 

[For Honor]

Day 8 "..................................."




So....



It happens to me again.....



I....... I've reached a point in this journey where my words have finally come back to haunt me. And once again, the truth, the reality......


A very core thing in my life, it goes all the way down to that core thing...... And now I..... I have to wear it like a badge of honor, or perhaps even a "scarlet letter". I don't know. I don't know what to say.


Something I wrote so long ago, and it was like a prophecy. Like the song PRIDE which has changed in meaning over the years to me, only to get better.

No, no........ this phrase........

This phrase is almost too good.
Once again, it's like in a moive, where the character comes across something years later, only to be haunted, encourage, captivated, and otherwise drawn into something.


But how......... I guess this is one of those things in life that "just happens". That yon can't control, because no one can see around the corner, into the future.

No one can tell what is to come.


No one can tell how wrong or right you might be
No one can even fathom.....


And this is a special moment, when preconceptions are reformed... I am sure it is like what a dieing man realizes about death after he dies - it is nothing like what you could conceive.

And now........ now I am at one of those moments again.


I was a kid when I wrote these words.


I never realized that I would.........
So severely comply with what they state......................

 

[For Honor]

Day 7 / 8



though slightly unrelated, or at least apparently so...........




I've come to realize, honestly, that men and women are in fact not very different. We're all human, and I realize that more so than ever before.

The thing is, men and women have different needs, and (seemingly) completely different ways of going about them...


Considering this, it is very interesting to look at the world, and history. But I cannot elaborate on this at the moment, as I am already.... occupied...... with a previous.....................

'engagement'

 

[For Honor]

Day 9



There is something........ eh, later

 

[For Honor]

Day 10




Eh........ after a 3 day hiatus, I'm starting it up again. Though I'm faced with some .... unexpected "life adversity", it's time to keep going and see this through. Besides, adversity and life are synonamous, really, so it shouldn't be too great a problem.

I just wonder how external things will influence my..... journey.......


Or perhaps, really, this new adversity is part of the journey, in and of itself.......

 

[wizard2c]

reply

What's a journey without adversity??? Ah......don't get a wizard started on tales of dragon-hunting adventures........{like in the by-gone days...sitting by the fireside.....sipping on red wine {BTW that is Gandalf's favorite}......storytelling.....oh....if I only had a fellowship...................

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

Heh, agreed, agreed...

 

[For Honor]

Day 11



I must remember that I am a Rabbit, more so than anything else. That is the most influential dimension of my personality.

Also, no matter what, what I am 'seeking' now won't be availibe for at least another 4 years, at least until I am out of college, etc... So I shouldn't waste any energy on that. I shouldn't think about it at all.

Focus on what is apparent.


And I also need to get off my lazy ass more, too. I'll grow stagnant, and besides, there are too many things that need to be done......


It's not beneficial to linger on objectives that must be completed...

 

[wizard2c]

reply

For Honor, how well I know that. The dragon is always out there.....perhaps sleeping with that one eye open.......guarding the looted treasures of conquests past........I must always be prepared but it's so difficult to find the proper mixture of time to study, read, analyze, battle the dragon, yet still be able to set time aside to ponder the mystery of the ring.

A good fellow{ship} is hard to find........

Must go.......I hear the dragon moving.......................

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

Day 12

Talk about "From the past..."

(me when I was a little kid)



I don't like to suppose and live in a fantasy world too much........
But..........

If I did.........

Well...........

............... nevermind.

 

[For Honor]

Day 13

Damn, another interruption............

But I will continue when I get back..........


as for now..........

BEASTIE BOYS - The Negotiation Limerick File Lyrics
My DJ's got the cuts and the beats are on
We're comin with the limericks and we're comin' strong
And the rhythm's on time to every word and rhyme
When it comes to keep it real I keep it really wrong
At the risk of sounding crass I would like to mention
That I am well aware of your wack intentions
To usurp my prose you so and so
It's my primary bone of contention
I tell you everybody I've had it
With all these people with static
I'll go insane if it don't rain
Sucker MC's are problematic
I love it when you hit those switches
A curve ball's what my pitch is
So here we here we come
Like dum ditty dum
I keep all five boroughs in stitches

The sound sounds sweeter through the echolex
It'll spin you around and throw you in a hex
Until you feel no pain inside your brain
All your worries are soothed by the sound effects
You ead it in the Post and the Daily News
Listen everybody lets show improve
Don't let me begin about heroin
Living six feet deep just ain't the move
We're giving you soul power
I like it sweet and sour
When it comes to rhymes and beat designs
I'm at the control tower
Tell me what makes you so afraid
Of all those people you say you hate
Just give it one time for your mind
And let's try to negotiate [3x]

 

[For Honor]

day 14


one word: "church"

 

[For Honor]

Day 15

Griever's Lesson
(practice)

I will articulate this lesson more properly when I am through.
But for now.... I just need to remember it.


Also, review my entry on "the gift of pain"


Twist it, relate it, feel it.
Pain into power
Power from pain
All perception

The playing field is leve
Neutral
Do not forget
Do not get clouded by emotions

The lover's curse:
What do you feel when you love
But the one isn't near?
Pain, grief, agony upon agony

For you realize that you are alone
Enlightening, frightening
"I'll be here..."

That's because it's easy, for us
We are the same in that way;
We don't have to move, just make up our minds
The other variables, feathers in the winds

Let them fall where they may

I'll be here
You'll know where to find me

Until then, there's no sense in warming up
For even that is an illusion
Merely because I say it is one, of course.
Merely...

Energy manipulation
Mind control
That's what it's all about
"feeling happy", "feeling love"

"......................."
That's what I'd say.
I can line them all up, make it crystal clear
I can knock them all down, and return to the neutral

It doesn't really matter, does it.
"Even after I accept this irrelevance..."
I still have to decide what to do right now
Those will always be my words

"If you cannot stand alone, then you cannot stand at all"
"Everyone has to take care of themselves"
My brother...............


............


The perfect illustration
of a fable, of a love story
Between those two signs indeed
Thats all it ever was.

IT doesn't matter who my angel is
No matter what -
"It just makes me want it more"
So, Jesse, don't forget:

If you are going to feel a pain (if you are going to be knocked from the balance, the neutrality - take it back...)
Turn it into power
"The motion of.... ... is returning"
Return my love back to me

"the husker"
Forward, at an angle,
Strike first, glancingly
And then draw it back, down, within....







Remarkable, isn't it?
Striking with a sword
Is the very same motion
As striking with your heart
to be continued

 

[For Honor]

Day 16

Griever's Lesson /// A deeper truth

The pain was never a hinderance...
No...
It was always a neccesary
It was always part of
The growth

Pain begets growth
It took me too long to understand, though
What this growth 'is'

5.22: Lunatic Pandora and the Beginning of the End

My journey is almost near it's end
Yet the adventure of 100 years is only halfway at 99...
There is one final barrier to overcome, off in the distance.
But I know I'm getting closer.




The Yin in the Yang, and the Yang in the Yin
The delicate, loving, beautiful, hateful, angry and symphonic orchestration
Between pain and sorrow
And joy and happiness

Between solitude shrouded in independance
And love with undieing loyalty
to be continued

 

[wizard2c]

reply

For Honor, you always have new ideas and sigs....that's good. I like that pix when you were little....Bono had you well trained even back then {the sunglasses}.

I've been very busy as you can imagine but I did get a chance to take my Vette to it's monthly meeting last night. It likes to intermingle with other cars in its own genre. I stopped at the book store since I had some time to spare........never leave a wizard alone in a book store........it's like a great library...I got a new special edition Lord of The Rings and one about the Crusades {which I need to learn more about}.

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

^ yes, I agree, Bono was training me at an early age

==================


"I need to remember to distance myself from it, and remove it from my life, keep it in the back of my mind so I can focus on what needs to be done. It is too strong a force to deal with directly, so I have to displace it. It's the only strategy availible..... at the moment...."

- thoughts I should remember....

 

[For Honor]

Day 17



Realizing I'm more than a catagory.........

You're in dire need to be understood, approved, and appreciated. And your sorrow is immense when you think you've displeased those whose esteem for you is somewhat your reason for living. Being a tender, sensitive soul, a charming personality, you attach the greatest price to the opinion of others. This can render you sensitive to flattery; this can also at times incite you to a kind of inconsequence inasmuch — in order to preserve harmony with persons of your near circle — as you refrain from asserting yourself and as your passive tolerance finally results in certain compromising.


You're mostly moved by altruistic, idealistic, or philanthropic tendencies. Beauty under all its forms attracts you whereas violence and disorder appall you. As a general rule, people born under this sun sign are those who act with heart and discernment, who strive to live well, who like their neighbors and sincerely want to make this world better. They also have a very serene attitude toward death and the beyond.


You like people as they are — with their qualities as well as their defects, their greatnesses as well as their weaknesses. Gentle, affable, easy to live with, you know how to lend an attentive year to others and if necessary to give them judicious counsel.


Perspicacity is probably your most striking character trait. Endowed with a penetrating and subtle mind, you enjoy a direct access to the heart of things. Thus you regularly hit upon ideas of genius or fantastic visions. Always in advance on your times, you often appear as quite a character, at times as an eccentric, and sometimes create a scandal, being a victim of the misunderstanding of your entourage.


One could however reproach you for your excessive vanity. You like to take care meticulously of your appearance, you dress yourself with style and ostentation, you use and abuse perfumes and other tricks. Your exaggeration in elegance and your narcissism constitute one of the clearly negative aspects of your personality.


You've a constant need to express yourself, to meet new faces, or quite simply to dream, and could not adapt yourself to routine or a strict discipline.


There exist in you sure tendencies to morbid introspection and to depression. You could be hardly conscious of them, or else they could not have until now had an occasion to manifest themselves. But an unhappy combination of circumstances could cause them to emerge and cause havoc.

Your life motto seems to be this one: "To live and to let live". You've only one passion: to lead your life as you like, undergoing as few constraints as possible and profiting as much as possible by your existence on earth.


You're by no means easy to describe for you're a world of paradoxes and contradictions. Among the "constant" features of your character there are your extreme independence, your refusal of constraints and beaten tracks, your originality of thought, your curiosity of mind, and your love of adventure.


You don't care a bit about what people say or think, you don't give a fig for conventions, you readily show a tendency to anarchism. Your non-conformist comportment can sometimes border on provocation. In any case, you feel happy in non-conformism, you like not to act in the way other people do, and to be original up to eccentricity. If someone intends to direct you or to submit you to a rigid discipline, he's most likely to get disappointed for you're too independent to let yourself be managed.


Above all, you're definitely not one of those who take themselves too seriously or who get themselves killed in defending certain principles. Your sense of humor is extreme: you know how to make fun of all people and of everything, and especially of yourself. To the eyes of many you appear as a rather immoral individual but in actuality you're only amoral and happy to be so.


Your need to preserve your independence is equal to your desire to stand out. This will to single yourself out of the crowd can manifest itself very early and in a thousand and one ways. This explains your extravagance of talk, your manners that one could deem provocative, and your comportment that's often disconcerting for your entourage.


In the field of human relations, you look of course for the sympathy and comprehension of others. You're sincere, you're magnanimous and have the sense of solidarity. You enjoy certain easiness in your contacts by avoiding any direct confrontation as far as possible. But what's the most outstanding in your character is your great tolerance: you never try to impose your attitudes, your ideas, your convictions. You always make use of great flexibility and great understanding of the weaknesses of others. Some people may accuse you of laxity, especially when you're invested with certain responsibilities, but you defend yourself by saying that you respect everyone's freedom.

There's an extremely pronounced individualistic side to your character. In all those born under this sun sign, there's always something of a free, wild stallion. This means that it won't be easy to make them accept rules and that they'll often refuse any too imperious or too restrictive order. Their enterprising spirit, their dynamism, their ability to see far and wide can hardly make do with impediments to their freedom of action.


You like responsibilities and you refuse to be taken care of: you only long to look after yourself even if it sometimes means erring because of exaggerated optimism. You never want to walk in someone's shadow. Fundamentally, you feel free enough, strong enough to be able to exist by yourself. You don't need someone who comforts you, neither a protector, neither a guide.


Your relations with authority, whatever it may be — parents, teachers, superiors, administrative powers — are always more or less tense. Your often rebellious attitude makes one believe that you're tactless. But on the contrary, when you're yourself invested with authority, you want others to respect it duly.


Your intelligence is above all lucid and logical. You're too direct to ever get lost in existential meanders, and you aren't either inclined to mull over the past.


Extremely enthusiastic and anxious to succeed in all your undertakings, you're nevertheless sufficiently conscious of your chances of success. You're endowed with the faculty to adapt yourself to circumstances and to use them as a springboard. As you're an emotive person, you can experience depression in the wake of a brutal failure, but you don't let yourself be downhearted: you'll wait for your forces with a view to making a new start.


Of an irascible nature, you flare up quickly, and you often happen to lose your temper. But your anger is that of a superficial and touchy personage who'll get indignant or become angry but who'll thereafter look for forgiveness. When annoyed, you'll shout very loudly and will immediately forget all about it. Your anger once cooled off, you'll bear no grudge. If you sometimes happen to give in to shattering fits of anger, there're at least no actual manifestations of hostility: you simply try to assert yourself!


You're prompted by a powerful passion. But your passion is not raw and overflowing: it's rather a fire that smolders under the ashes and which emits more heat than flame. It manifests itself in your taste for risks and your desire to remove the constraints that are imposed on you.


In everyday life, you're sociable, merry, and of agreeable company. You're also often obliging. Your enthusiasm is contagious. In your relationships with others, you appear rather conciliatory, understanding, and tolerant. You're generally frank and direct in your words as in your acts.

The Scientist

As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.

INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that he or she doesn't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Thinking
Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

 

[For Honor]

Day 18

Bide, train


There is no need to close your eyes
Or worry of a distant future
Or of an empty past.

Use this time as efficiently as you can
Remember... "There is essentially nothing....
.... to carefully observe.... ...conditions, and know them all."

Use it, don't discard it

 

[For Honor]

"I'm just like you, friend
I only do what I know
I am a profuct of my environment, too, like you
And of my mind and destiny

So I sit here and make a statement, again
Yet I am sincere:

"I feel like a millionaire"


What is there left for me to do?
My life, 5 months past 17 years and 12 months
And what, there are no challenges left for me?


I don't know... is it even safe to think in such ways...
It doesn't matter, really, I've got my life to live.
It's been a long time now...
Most people get to the point - where they can justify, or negate, about anything.

That's what I've done; everything.
No doubts, I'm still looking for my ever present "quest" that I speak of, sure.
But really, I do feel like a millionare.
Meditations upon meditations
Observations
Speculations and revelations, apocalypses, you know of what I mean.
I have no needs

I have no desires, and for this I do feel a happiness
With but one exception,of course, and probably not a big surprise
Nor an uncommon occurance...

What would a man who had everything in the world want?
More?
...how about a man who has come to realize that there can be no more, that he's got it?

To take it further, what, in fact, would actually keep such a man alive?
To keep such a man from becoming a man, and not a machine
And not a monster?

It's not really a difficult riddle, it's no riddle at all. It's as clear as the day and the night.
Night and day..."