FH's Thread II - - - - "I am going on a journey..."

[For Honor]

Talk about "From the past..."



(me when I was a little kid)



I don't like to suppose and live in a fantasy world too much........
But..........

If I did.........

Well...........

............... nevermind.

[For Honor]

Damn, another interruption............

But I will continue when I get back..........


as for now..........

BEASTIE BOYS - The Negotiation Limerick File Lyrics
My DJ's got the cuts and the beats are on
We're comin with the limericks and we're comin' strong
And the rhythm's on time to every word and rhyme
When it comes to keep it real I keep it really wrong
At the risk of sounding crass I would like to mention
That I am well aware of your wack intentions
To usurp my prose you so and so
It's my primary bone of contention
I tell you everybody I've had it
With all these people with static
I'll go insane if it don't rain
Sucker MC's are problematic
I love it when you hit those switches
A curve ball's what my pitch is
So here we here we come
Like dum ditty dum
I keep all five boroughs in stitches

The sound sounds sweeter through the echolex
It'll spin you around and throw you in a hex
Until you feel no pain inside your brain
All your worries are soothed by the sound effects
You ead it in the Post and the Daily News
Listen everybody lets show improve
Don't let me begin about heroin
Living six feet deep just ain't the move
We're giving you soul power
I like it sweet and sour
When it comes to rhymes and beat designs
I'm at the control tower
Tell me what makes you so afraid
Of all those people you say you hate
Just give it one time for your mind
And let's try to negotiate [3x]

[For Honor]

day 14


one word: "church"

[For Honor]

Griever's Lesson
(practice)




I will articulate this lesson more properly when I am through.
But for now.... I just need to remember it.


Also, review my entry on "the gift of pain"


Twist it, relate it, feel it.
Pain into power
Power from pain
All perception

The playing field is leve
Neutral
Do not forget
Do not get clouded by emotions

The lover's curse:
What do you feel when you love
But the one isn't near?
Pain, grief, agony upon agony

For you realize that you are alone
Enlightening, frightening
"I'll be here..."

That's because it's easy, for us
We are the same in that way;
We don't have to move, just make up our minds
The other variables, feathers in the winds

Let them fall where they may

I'll be here
You'll know where to find me

Until then, there's no sense in warming up
For even that is an illusion
Merely because I say it is one, of course.
Merely...

Energy manipulation
Mind control
That's what it's all about
"feeling happy", "feeling love"

"......................."
That's what I'd say.
I can line them all up, make it crystal clear
I can knock them all down, and return to the neutral

It doesn't really matter, does it.
"Even after I accept this irrelevance..."
I still have to decide what to do right now
Those will always be my words

"If you cannot stand alone, then you cannot stand at all"
"Everyone has to take care of themselves"
My brother...............


............


The perfect illustration
of a fable, of a love story
Between those two signs indeed
Thats all it ever was.

IT doesn't matter who my angel is
No matter what -
"It just makes me want it more"
So, Jesse, don't forget:

If you are going to feel a pain (if you are going to be knocked from the balance, the neutrality - take it back...)
Turn it into power
"The motion of.... ... is returning"
Return my love back to me

"the husker"
Forward, at an angle,
Strike first, glancingly
And then draw it back, down, within....







Remarkable, isn't it?
Striking with a sword
Is the very same motion
As striking with your heart
to be continued

[For Honor]

Griever's Lesson /// A deeper truth



The pain was never a hinderance...
No...
It was always a neccesary
It was always part of
The growth

Pain begets growth
It took me too long to understand, though
What this growth 'is'

5.22: Lunatic Pandora and the Beginning of the End

My journey is almost near it's end
Yet the adventure of 100 years is only halfway at 99...
There is one final barrier to overcome, off in the distance.
But I know I'm getting closer.




The Yin in the Yang, and the Yang in the Yin
The delicate, loving, beautiful, hateful, angry and symphonic orchestration
Between pain and sorrow
And joy and happiness

Between solitude shrouded in independance
And love with undieing loyalty
to be continued

[wizard2c]

For Honor, you always have new ideas and sigs....that's good. I like that pix when you were little....Bono had you well trained even back then {the sunglasses}.

I've been very busy as you can imagine but I did get a chance to take my Vette to it's monthly meeting last night. It likes to intermingle with other cars in its own genre. I stopped at the book store since I had some time to spare........never leave a wizard alone in a book store........it's like a great library...I got a new special edition Lord of The Rings and one about the Crusades {which I need to learn more about}.

carol
wizard2c

[For Honor]

^ yes, I agree, Bono was training me at an early age

==================


"I need to remember to distance myself from it, and remove it from my life, keep it in the back of my mind so I can focus on what needs to be done. It is too strong a force to deal with directly, so I have to displace it. It's the only strategy availible..... at the moment...."

- thoughts I should remember....

[For Honor]

Realizing I'm more than a catagory.........

You're in dire need to be understood, approved, and appreciated. And your sorrow is immense when you think you've displeased those whose esteem for you is somewhat your reason for living. Being a tender, sensitive soul, a charming personality, you attach the greatest price to the opinion of others. This can render you sensitive to flattery; this can also at times incite you to a kind of inconsequence inasmuch — in order to preserve harmony with persons of your near circle — as you refrain from asserting yourself and as your passive tolerance finally results in certain compromising.


You're mostly moved by altruistic, idealistic, or philanthropic tendencies. Beauty under all its forms attracts you whereas violence and disorder appall you. As a general rule, people born under this sun sign are those who act with heart and discernment, who strive to live well, who like their neighbors and sincerely want to make this world better. They also have a very serene attitude toward death and the beyond.


You like people as they are — with their qualities as well as their defects, their greatnesses as well as their weaknesses. Gentle, affable, easy to live with, you know how to lend an attentive year to others and if necessary to give them judicious counsel.


Perspicacity is probably your most striking character trait. Endowed with a penetrating and subtle mind, you enjoy a direct access to the heart of things. Thus you regularly hit upon ideas of genius or fantastic visions. Always in advance on your times, you often appear as quite a character, at times as an eccentric, and sometimes create a scandal, being a victim of the misunderstanding of your entourage.


One could however reproach you for your excessive vanity. You like to take care meticulously of your appearance, you dress yourself with style and ostentation, you use and abuse perfumes and other tricks. Your exaggeration in elegance and your narcissism constitute one of the clearly negative aspects of your personality.


You've a constant need to express yourself, to meet new faces, or quite simply to dream, and could not adapt yourself to routine or a strict discipline.


There exist in you sure tendencies to morbid introspection and to depression. You could be hardly conscious of them, or else they could not have until now had an occasion to manifest themselves. But an unhappy combination of circumstances could cause them to emerge and cause havoc.

Your life motto seems to be this one: "To live and to let live". You've only one passion: to lead your life as you like, undergoing as few constraints as possible and profiting as much as possible by your existence on earth.


You're by no means easy to describe for you're a world of paradoxes and contradictions. Among the "constant" features of your character there are your extreme independence, your refusal of constraints and beaten tracks, your originality of thought, your curiosity of mind, and your love of adventure.


You don't care a bit about what people say or think, you don't give a fig for conventions, you readily show a tendency to anarchism. Your non-conformist comportment can sometimes border on provocation. In any case, you feel happy in non-conformism, you like not to act in the way other people do, and to be original up to eccentricity. If someone intends to direct you or to submit you to a rigid discipline, he's most likely to get disappointed for you're too independent to let yourself be managed.


Above all, you're definitely not one of those who take themselves too seriously or who get themselves killed in defending certain principles. Your sense of humor is extreme: you know how to make fun of all people and of everything, and especially of yourself. To the eyes of many you appear as a rather immoral individual but in actuality you're only amoral and happy to be so.


Your need to preserve your independence is equal to your desire to stand out. This will to single yourself out of the crowd can manifest itself very early and in a thousand and one ways. This explains your extravagance of talk, your manners that one could deem provocative, and your comportment that's often disconcerting for your entourage.


In the field of human relations, you look of course for the sympathy and comprehension of others. You're sincere, you're magnanimous and have the sense of solidarity. You enjoy certain easiness in your contacts by avoiding any direct confrontation as far as possible. But what's the most outstanding in your character is your great tolerance: you never try to impose your attitudes, your ideas, your convictions. You always make use of great flexibility and great understanding of the weaknesses of others. Some people may accuse you of laxity, especially when you're invested with certain responsibilities, but you defend yourself by saying that you respect everyone's freedom.

There's an extremely pronounced individualistic side to your character. In all those born under this sun sign, there's always something of a free, wild stallion. This means that it won't be easy to make them accept rules and that they'll often refuse any too imperious or too restrictive order. Their enterprising spirit, their dynamism, their ability to see far and wide can hardly make do with impediments to their freedom of action.


You like responsibilities and you refuse to be taken care of: you only long to look after yourself even if it sometimes means erring because of exaggerated optimism. You never want to walk in someone's shadow. Fundamentally, you feel free enough, strong enough to be able to exist by yourself. You don't need someone who comforts you, neither a protector, neither a guide.


Your relations with authority, whatever it may be — parents, teachers, superiors, administrative powers — are always more or less tense. Your often rebellious attitude makes one believe that you're tactless. But on the contrary, when you're yourself invested with authority, you want others to respect it duly.


Your intelligence is above all lucid and logical. You're too direct to ever get lost in existential meanders, and you aren't either inclined to mull over the past.


Extremely enthusiastic and anxious to succeed in all your undertakings, you're nevertheless sufficiently conscious of your chances of success. You're endowed with the faculty to adapt yourself to circumstances and to use them as a springboard. As you're an emotive person, you can experience depression in the wake of a brutal failure, but you don't let yourself be downhearted: you'll wait for your forces with a view to making a new start.


Of an irascible nature, you flare up quickly, and you often happen to lose your temper. But your anger is that of a superficial and touchy personage who'll get indignant or become angry but who'll thereafter look for forgiveness. When annoyed, you'll shout very loudly and will immediately forget all about it. Your anger once cooled off, you'll bear no grudge. If you sometimes happen to give in to shattering fits of anger, there're at least no actual manifestations of hostility: you simply try to assert yourself!


You're prompted by a powerful passion. But your passion is not raw and overflowing: it's rather a fire that smolders under the ashes and which emits more heat than flame. It manifests itself in your taste for risks and your desire to remove the constraints that are imposed on you.


In everyday life, you're sociable, merry, and of agreeable company. You're also often obliging. Your enthusiasm is contagious. In your relationships with others, you appear rather conciliatory, understanding, and tolerant. You're generally frank and direct in your words as in your acts.

The Scientist

As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.

INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that he or she doesn't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Thinking
Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

[For Honor]

Bide, train


There is no need to close your eyes
Or worry of a distant future
Or of an empty past.

Use this time as efficiently as you can
Remember... "There is essentially nothing....
.... to carefully observe.... ...conditions, and know them all."

Use it, don't discard it

[For Honor]

Originally posted by For Honor
"I'm just like you, friend
I only do what I know
I am a profuct of my environment, too, like you
And of my mind and destiny

So I sit here and make a statement, again
Yet I am sincere:

"I feel like a millionaire"


What is there left for me to do?
My life, 5 months past 17 years and 12 months
And what, there are no challenges left for me?


I don't know... is it even safe to think in such ways...
It doesn't matter, really, I've got my life to live.
It's been a long time now...
Most people get to the point - where they can justify, or negate, about anything.

That's what I've done; everything.
No doubts, I'm still looking for my ever present "quest" that I speak of, sure.
But really, I do feel like a millionare.
Meditations upon meditations
Observations
Speculations and revelations, apocalypses, you know of what I mean.
I have no needs

I have no desires, and for this I do feel a happiness
With but one exception,of course, and probably not a big surprise
Nor an uncommon occurance...

What would a man who had everything in the world want?
More?
...how about a man who has come to realize that there can be no more, that he's got it?

To take it further, what, in fact, would actually keep such a man alive?
To keep such a man from becoming a man, and not a machine
And not a monster?

It's not really a difficult riddle, it's no riddle at all. It's as clear as the day and the night.
Night and day..."

[For Honor]

The journey is almost at its end....
I am reluctant to find what is on the other side
"Every exit is an entrance to somewhere else"

I know... that even after this minor task is accomplished,
This journey completed,
I'll just be back where I started

The only difference is...
There will be one less stone unturned
But my biggest concern is that what was underneath

Will be more than I can handle

[For Honor]

[For Honor]

That's it, basically. I'm done. I won't have this hanging over my head, wondering, imagining....... it's done.


I guess it's m y own fault, if I crucify myself on my own cross.


Yet... there is something of a sense of relief, too. The journey has been worth it. The trouble is, I know that I am "alone", and I don't think there is any way I could count on anyone being there for me. I'll have no fairy tale, and no happy ending. I've got to make it happen still.........

or maybe I don't have to worry, I don't know.


NEvertheless... it just makes me realize how much I am alone. If I actually described it, no one would believe me. It's my own doing, anyway.


=

I come to a turning point. I, especially, can only do what I know. So I either learn more (probably the best), or refine what I do know. EIther way, it's going to hurt. I don't even like showing the hurt, but it does. I wonder....... which way I've been honest......

eh......

///////

=


I don't know........



I don't even know what I should do now. I mean, ....... to be totally real... there is nothing for me to do here. I'm not talking about life, I mean my current location. Maybe my current location in life, but, nevertheless....

I guess the answer is "I'm waiting for college - I'll be going there in January" But................. what am I doing today? 17th of November, 2005, AD
at 8:50am in the morning?

What? I'm doing nothing, that's what. I haven't done anything, really, for a long time now. Even in school, it was just going through the motions. It's all so empty. And yes, I do feel alone, I admit that. And yes, I am alone, I admit that. I might only see one other person today, talk to one other person today. It won't be the first time this has happened, either. But so it is.



ANd........ and now I'm thinking too much.....
But .... I need to find something to do, to keep myself busy.......
.............? so what?

Damn.... I hate this.
And I'm falling into that trap again....... emulation....
no........ more so...... I'm just being myself.

.....................

[For Honor]

actually, I'm fine. Maybe..... maybe just a little tired....

tired from being on a journey; tired from the other half of me doing nothing at all. Spirit and heart are tired/mind and body are weary from the exhaustion of focus and repitition of the same thing over and over again.

I need to take care of myself better..............

[lady luck]

Originally posted by For Honor
actually, I'm fine. Maybe..... maybe just a little tired....

tired from being on a journey; tired from the other half of me doing nothing at all. Spirit and heart are tired/mind and body are weary from the exhaustion of focus and repitition of the same thing over and over again.

I need to take care of myself better..............

I haven't read all your posts but my eye was caught by this last one.

you say "tired from being on a journey". Do you know any person who's not travelling?
we all take stops along the way, have some rests, talk to someone... etc. etc..
But then we have to take our bags and cases and go on..

If you're lucky enough, your place on the train/bus/plane will be next to the window.
If you're REALLY luck, you'll be the driver.

[lady luck]

Many miles many roads I have travelled
Falling down on the way
Many hearts, many years I have rebelled
Leading uo to today

I have no regrets
there's nothing to forget
All the pain was worth this

Not running from the past
I tried to do what's best
I knew that I deserve it

[For Honor]

thanks, lady luck.



=


Really.... I need to look at this way:


This journey is just another test of my personal strength, because I did it all by my self. I faced some demons from my past, and still with those in my present. But as of this moment, I feel well.

It was partially a goodbye to my childhood, to some of those things everyone has to say goodbye to. Even me, who, when comaring myself to other people, dispises immaturity and "kids things". Yet........ at the same time, my inner child is reborn.

"True love never can be rent
But only true love can keep beauty innocent"

That innocence is still there, I realize. My quest for seeking something that is true is still going, but I think this "journey" will add something too it. I know everything in the materialworld is subject to change. I also know that if you know enough self control, you can control your mood, even when you are alone, and being faced with things that greatly increase your desires/sufferings.

I guess I'm learning how to overcome my greatest weakness, and learning how to allow it to become my greatest strength. But it will always be a struggle, I think . At least for this part of the journey where I am alone...


But.........
Most people are alone.

================


What is truth............?




.....and so ending becomes beginning, again.

[For Honor]

Intermission.....



So... the next phase for me will be to figure out what this "truth" thing is, that I am reffering to. I know everyone's truth is different and such, so it will take me some time to explian what I mean here. Let me type this out so I can remind myself in the days to come:



Truth cannot be stated in words, only alluded to, pointed at. What is the highest form of truth? Two.... ............ hmmm..........

"2".


I see now that.......... that my conclusion ...... is not one that I have alone come up with. I've heard statements l ike that before, somewhere else....


And I guess that explains so much.



=


don't mind this post, I am pretty sure that I am the only one who can decipher what it means. It would take far too long to write everything out, and at least this way, it is not hindered with a translation..........



more to come, though..........