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Old 07-02-2002, 06:25 PM   #1
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drifting

bored again
I'm lonely and
your baby gestures don't help me understand
how things can get from here to that alien world

you're the kite
feathery and light
a fair child and out of reach despite
the grip I've got on your little fist unfurled

you're a blossom against the sand
a toddler, poor thing, think of things to come
when life sours to something dry and bland
like the salt spray upon your tongue

spit, bitter taste child
but mommy's gone away for good
time to wake up, dumb and beguiled,
lost and tossed like the driftwood

you're empty as death inside
and the divide is begging to eat you alive.

-----
and you thought yours sounded forced, foray!
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Old 07-02-2002, 06:31 PM   #2
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Normal

whoops, sorry
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Old 07-03-2002, 01:30 AM   #3
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I didn't notice any forcedness. truly


your baby gestures don't help me understand

you're a blossom against the sand
a toddler, poor thing, think of things to come
when life sours to something dry and bland
like the salt spray upon your tongue


foray
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Old 07-05-2002, 06:11 PM   #4
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honestly, it does seem slightly forced, which is the problem with many structured and/or rhyming poems, but all the more reason to appreciate the great classics of poetry whose words have survived for centuries in some cases (think: Shakespeare, Milton, Chaucer, Ovid, Dante, etc); there's certainly nothing wrong with your words here, I know from my own experience it's hard to write with such discipline and structure/rhyme, that's why i stray from doing so, my words usually lack any sort of life when wedged into place, I have trouble enough writing something interesting without rules and constraints, maybe someday I can manage it, but right now it's not for me... I just find myself trying to mould and shove words into place rather than letting them drift with natural feeling and imagination (but remind me of this a few weeks from now when I fail to heed my own warnings and post some epitaph full of chistle and hammer marks!)

you're a blossom against the sand
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Old 07-05-2002, 07:21 PM   #5
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nice one
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Old 07-06-2002, 03:45 PM   #6
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thanks guys! Wanderer, I'd much appreciate it if you guys did critique stuff I post if you see something that needs it, I mean I know I'm not that good a poet but even if it's only for my own enjoyment I would like to improve at it. So don't feel guilty about it, I knew this one sounded forced right away, that's why I said it

fors dear, what are you grinning about??
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Old 07-06-2002, 05:39 PM   #7
 
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you're the kite
feathery and light
a fair child and out of reach despite
the grip I've got on your little fist unfurled


you're a blossom against the sand
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Old 07-06-2002, 05:41 PM   #8
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by BabyGrace
I mean I know I'm not that good a poet
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