can i have an opinion on this please

[ozzys grrl]

awaken in the heat of the night to an open window,
watch the dead stars and flashing lights, radio voices and screeching brakes a cooling breeze aftermath of a car chase,
warm skin a panic sweat tears of fear drip apon cooled paved step,
a young man lies at the side of the street,
his friend watches on holds his tongue the words he cant speak,
hes thinkin only of that lonely wife and child awaken in the early mornin light,
to be whisperd by strangers he was taken by the night.

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***>if you cannot convince them, confuse them<***

[This message has been edited by ozzys grrl (edited 05-19-2002).]

 

[foray]

It's so very sad.
It's a successful expressionistic piece.

foray

[This message has been edited by foray (edited 05-17-2002).]

 

[UV2001]

That is beautifully sad. I'm filling up. Keep writing. That really touched me. Thanks

 

[SkeeK]

That evokes a lot of images and emotion! very cool... i think you might want to try adding some punctuation to make it a bit easier to read, but make sure you keep the meandering flow, i really like that

 

[The Wanderer]

I like it

 

[zooropamanda]

Keep it going, I really like the thought and ideas you've created. Very emotive language.
One question though..
Is it purposely one sentence?

 

[ozzys grrl]

no the reason its written like that is cause it was rushed down,i wrote it b4 goin to work.i didnt have time to put it in verse

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

[No message]