can i have an opinion on this please

ozzys grrl · 05-17-2002, 10:50 AM

awaken in the heat of the night to an open window,
watch the dead stars and flashing lights, radio voices and screeching brakes a cooling breeze aftermath of a car chase,
warm skin a panic sweat tears of fear drip apon cooled paved step,
a young man lies at the side of the street,
his friend watches on holds his tongue the words he cant speak,
hes thinkin only of that lonely wife and child awaken in the early mornin light,
to be whisperd by strangers he was taken by the night.

------------------
***>if you cannot convince them, confuse them<***

[This message has been edited by ozzys grrl (edited 05-19-2002).]

foray · 05-17-2002, 11:05 AM

It's so very sad.
It's a successful expressionistic piece.

foray

[This message has been edited by foray (edited 05-17-2002).]

UV2001 · 05-17-2002, 01:37 PM

That is beautifully sad. I'm filling up. Keep writing. That really touched me. Thanks

SkeeK · 05-17-2002, 10:45 PM

That evokes a lot of images and emotion! very cool... i think you might want to try adding some punctuation to make it a bit easier to read, but make sure you keep the meandering flow, i really like that

The Wanderer · 05-18-2002, 01:17 PM

I like it

zooropamanda · 05-19-2002, 12:30 AM

Keep it going, I really like the thought and ideas you've created. Very emotive language.
One question though..
Is it purposely one sentence?

ozzys grrl · 05-19-2002, 09:02 AM

no the reason its written like that is cause it was rushed down,i wrote it b4 goin to work.i didnt have time to put it in verse

LarryMullen's POPAngel · 05-19-2002, 10:17 AM

05-17-2002, 10:50 AM	#1
ozzys grrl The Fly Join Date: May 2002 Location: the boot of an old parked car Posts: 51 Local Time: 04:47 AM	can i have an opinion on this please awaken in the heat of the night to an open window, watch the dead stars and flashing lights, radio voices and screeching brakes a cooling breeze aftermath of a car chase, warm skin a panic sweat tears of fear drip apon cooled paved step, a young man lies at the side of the street, his friend watches on holds his tongue the words he cant speak, hes thinkin only of that lonely wife and child awaken in the early mornin light, to be whisperd by strangers he was taken by the night. ------------------ *>if you cannot convince them, confuse them<* [This message has been edited by ozzys grrl (edited 05-19-2002).] __________________

05-17-2002, 11:05 AM	#2
foray Rock n' Roll Doggie Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: full of sound and fury Posts: 3,386 Local Time: 05:47 PM	It's so very sad. It's a successful expressionistic piece. foray [This message has been edited by foray (edited 05-17-2002).] __________________

05-19-2002, 10:17 AM	#8
LarryMullen's POPAngel Blue Crack Distributor Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: I'll be up with the sun, I'm not coming down... Posts: 53,698 Local Time: 11:47 PM	__________________

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05-17-2002, 01:37 PM	#3
UV2001 War Child Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: BIG GOB'S BED Posts: 933 Local Time: 04:47 AM	That is beautifully sad. I'm filling up. Keep writing. That really touched me. Thanks

05-17-2002, 10:45 PM	#4
SkeeK The Original Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Hamilton, ON Posts: 4,163 Local Time: 11:47 PM	That evokes a lot of images and emotion! very cool... i think you might want to try adding some punctuation to make it a bit easier to read, but make sure you keep the meandering flow, i really like that

05-18-2002, 01:17 PM	#5
The Wanderer Kid A Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Holy Roman Empire Posts: 5,271 Local Time: 11:47 PM	I like it

05-19-2002, 12:30 AM	#6
zooropamanda Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Smile, you're reading my post Posts: 6,515 Local Time: 02:47 PM	Keep it going, I really like the thought and ideas you've created. Very emotive language. One question though.. Is it purposely one sentence?

05-19-2002, 09:02 AM	#7
ozzys grrl The Fly Join Date: May 2002 Location: the boot of an old parked car Posts: 51 Local Time: 04:47 AM	no the reason its written like that is cause it was rushed down,i wrote it b4 goin to work.i didnt have time to put it in verse