|10-25-2005, 03:03 AM||#1|
Join Date: Oct 2005
Local Time: 10:59 AM
Battle Between the Heart and Mind
Hi everyone this is a short story I wrote for a friend that is going through a tough time. What do you all think? Any advice for this person?__________________
Battle Between the Heart and the Mind
So this is it. It is finally over. You tried to get him to let you go and he finally did. All you can do is wonder to yourself is: Did you do the right thing? You feel as if there is a war-taking place within you between your mind and your heart.
Your mind keeps saying over and over again: You have made a terrible mistake and you are going to regret it. He loved you and you threw it all away. You are going to end up a lonely old fool; you are never going to find another "Him". Everything he says is true and you just refuse to believe it. You have just totally screwed up all your chances for love. You are never going to be that happy again. You were his world and would have given you everything that you ever wanted. He would have been the love of your life.
On the other hand your heart says: You did the right thing, you are going to move out of here and make something of yourself despite all of the odds that are against you. You are nearly 25 but your life is not over, it is far from over, you still have the power to do anything that you want. Get the fuck out of this pathetic place and quite settling for less in your life. Start talking the talk and do something with yourself. You bitch about the world on a daily basis, so go do something about it. Want more and do not settle. Remember all that matters is not the fact that you are running but the place where your going.- All of this may lead to a path of loneliness and heartbreak and sure there is that chance of failure, but everyone who does something great is faced with these factors.
But let us perhaps bring the two together so that we may read between the lines. What happened to this relationship? There are a number of reasons why it failed whether you want to face them or not or whether he does. You are not happy settling and he is. He has his life and his job and he is totally satisfied with it. He has achieved the American Dream. He wants nothing more. He refuses to try and change anything about himself because underneath it all he looks at himself and where he is in life and is totally satisfied, therefore he thinks that the things you still want to do are silly because in his eyes your life is promising; You have everything going for you: You have a job that pays good money, you are young, beautiful and you are capable, you just have a few of these rough little edges that you need to fix; you still live at home and you still drive that old truck. If you could just take care of those two things, in his eyes your life would be just about perfect. You do not feel this way, you wish that he would finish school and educate himself, not because it is going to make him smarter, but because you know that it would give him more opportunity in life even if it is stupid that a little piece of paper can get you so much further in life. You want him to understand why you do not agree with the place he works and why it goes against your beliefs: you want him to do what's right, but it is inevitable because it is not wrong in his eyes to begin with. This devastates you deeply. He acts as if he works there because he does not or never did have a choice when he did and does still have a choice- he sees no reason to change his decision. It makes you think and wonder about how this little but huge difference in opinion could mean to the future of your relationship. He thinks it is silly and that there is no reason for you to be upset. You try to tell him how you feel, but you soon try to silence yourself. You try to ignore this and make it go away because you love him- he is everything you have ever wanted.
It cannot help you but to wonder what he actually expected your relationship to come to be: did he want you to move in with him? Did he want you to marry him? Did he want you to be the mother of his children? Did he want you to grow old with him? -- Where did he want this relationship to go? You know that he wanted to make your life better and you know that he loved you more than anyone before. He says he tried to pull you closer and the harder he pulled the further you pushed him away. He does not understand why, he thinks that you were seeing someone else; he thinks that you do not love him anymore. But where are you in the midst of this, you are confused and scared and unsure of what it is that you are feeling. You know your life is good, but you know that you can do better, you have this thirst for life, and you want to do something great. You look at yourself and you are not even sure who you really are. You are not where you want to be in life and you feel like there are many loose ends in your life that you must tie up. You like your job and it pays you good money but it does not make you happy. Everything in your life is average and does not make you happy except for this person, this beautiful and wonderful person in your life. You love him with all of your soul, and realise that he is everything that you have ever wanted in a companion. You have let go and have fallen deeply in love with him, so in love that it makes you scared. You realise that he does indeed love you back and he will do anything this world for you. He may even someday ask you to marry him and start a life with him. It is all so perfect. Your life is set, you have fallen in love and that is all you ever wanted, or is it? Finally you realise what you are faced with and you realise that your live is totally predictable. You look to the deepest part of your soul and ask yourself what it is that you want. Is this the path that you choose for your life? Is this what you really want? Your answer is a harsh reality to yourself that you must face- your answer is no.
One day you realise that is not what you want. You want so much more out of life. You are not ready to settle somewhere. You want to finish school and maybe even move to another city- you do not want to live here for the rest of your life. In the midst of all this you realise that you must factor him into this equation. Where does this lead your relationship? You try and try to rationalise some way for it to work out: maybe he would go with you, maybe we could have a long-distance relationship- the more you think the more impossible it is and the more you try to find some sort of compromise. You are heartbroken and confused. You feel so good but so depressed at the same time and it consumes you. It is all you think about every single day. You are faced with a choice: a life with him or a life on your own. You push him away and attempt to break it off hoping that the pain will go away for both of you. It just makes it worse and you feel very unsure of your decision, you decide that you want him back. He takes you back and you try to heal the relationship but it can never be the same again because you have changed whether you realise it or not, but you continue to deny yourself of what you are feeling. However you are not allowed to continue like this for long, because life has its rude way of awakening you. It makes you ponder and wonder if you are really ready to be a mother- this frightens you immensely. Although it was only a scare you keep it from him because you do not want him to worry and do not want the make the situation worse than it really is so you slowly begin distancing yourself more and more from him until one day he finally gives up. He will not admit it but he is angry with you still and refuses to express what he feels because he is unwilling to confide in you anymore because of the way you have hurt him. He begins to show you that he can do the same to you and hurt you just as much as you have hurt him- he tries to convince you that he is over you and he is going on with his life. He says everything is fine, but you know him much better than that. You beckon him to just tell you how he feels but he will not because he is too busy convincing himself that everything is ok and that if he just keeps himself busy enough he will not have to face his own feelings.
But nevertheless it is over and things will never be the same again. You have gone you separate ways and you must live your own lives. You may meet again or you never see each other again. It is one of the hardest things that you have ever gone through, but at the end day you know that you did the right thing. You feel confident in the decision you have made. You get sad and feel alone but you begin to plan for your future that lies ahead. You do not know what is going to happen or what lies ahead; this feeling makes you feel alive once again.
|10-25-2005, 03:13 AM||#2|
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Coast, USA
Local Time: 05:59 AM
Well, you already know that I like this a lot, as per my ZC comments.__________________
I'm glad you posted it here. And I'd say that I hope you write more... I just wonder what your relationship is to the character in this story.
Sometimes I wrote the most when I either had the most emotional pain, or the most inspiration.... too much of either can be unhealthy, if you know what I mean, though.....
|10-25-2005, 08:29 PM||#3|
Join Date: Feb 2005
Local Time: 10:59 AM
It is very good writing. I can't say I relate to it as I travel in different circles than most people.
But do post again.
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