Absurdity and agnosticism

[Vorsprung]

So....I don't know where this belongs....it could also be a Zoo Confession, though it isn't much of a sin or a confession. Just please DON'T move this to FYM cause I don't want this thing to turn into some discussion thread about the truth or what the truth is. Truth is higly subjective anyway, just a personal interpretation of reality (and no, I don't want to start a discussion about what reality is either)
At least this will probably be a bit of an incoherent story, since I have no intentions that this piece of ranting will pas my English test, besides, my relative lack of knowledge of english also helps in making this story incoherent.
I just want to tell my thing. Maybe i should put it in a journal then, but I'm too lazy to create one and somehow do want other people to read this.

Anyway....I used to be an existentialist atheist for quite some time, or at least the rational thinking parts of my brains have mad me become one.
But then for the second time in my life (first time was about 7 years ago) I got into an existential depression. Which, to say the least, isn't particulary funny. It lasted for about 4 months which may not seem particulary long, but it sure was long enough for me. I also think that there is quite some chance it will come back again, but I'm not going to talk about that now. It's over now for 4 months or so and I like to keep it that way.

So I was an over-rationalist whith a scientific mind. I thought the entire universe was created out of the logic forces of nature. I thought everything was just some kind of manifestation of energy.
Up-quarks and down-quarks reacting to form protons, neutrons, atoms, molecules, amino-acids, life. Basically everything was nothing and nothing was everything and when we die it just stays nothing. That's also where the depression kicked in. If I'm nothing more than a manifestation of energy than what the fuck am i doing here? And also, it will be over before I know it.
Even worse, if i'm just a logical evolution of energy that would also mean that I don't have my own free will, not even a little. Cause everything i think and act and do will be that way because of some logic reaction. Or actually, a combination of countless logical reactions. But if we would know all the parameters we could calculate exactly what I will do and there's no "I" that can change that, because "I" doesn't really exist", "I" is just a logical manifestation of energy.
During this period there was still one thing that could cheer me up a little: art. Though I rationalised art as well I couldn't rationalise it completely when confronted by it (Well okay, alcohol could cheer me up as well, though I didn't become an alcoholic or started drinking excessively)
Over time thankfully, the depression ended. Not because I've found God or love or anything. The thought of it (existantialism) just became less interesting.

Now just about 3 weeks ago something made me think. It was the sight of a car (a black Volkswagen Golf Convertible for those who want to know). Everything that seemed logical for the past few years didn't seem that logical anymore.
Just one thing struck me: "Why on earth would energy manifest itself as an ugly 1980's black Volkswagen Golf Convertible?"

All of a sudden this seemed just totally aburd. Maybe even more absurd than the thought that a God existed once seemed to me.

Now I still haven't turned into some reborn Christian or anything like that. I don't know what's true anymore and in a way even that is a real comfort. I even think Intelligent design may be true, and I would have puked of myself if I stated this a year ago. It seems like I turned into an agnosticist., and i may just like it.

Now I could go an with this post talking about my world view now (which isn't really clear anymore), but I'll have to get up early tomorrow and I'm fairly tired, so for now, this is it. Maybe I'll finish this story one day....

Goodnight y'all



"Ignorance is bliss"......it may just really be....



and for those of you expecting a poem:

At this point I am really really tired,
so I better go to bed
or tomorrow I'll get fired

 

[ZeroDude]

Lol, to your ending statement, my personal view is that mankind doesn't have the answers but we can look for them, deliberate ignorance is not bliss but not knowing the truth because to be honest now, none of us do, can produce blissful results

 

[For Honor]

Thankyou for posting!!


I think people forget that this is Dream Out Loud, and not "poetry corner". Essays, poems, short stories, and ideas of all kinds are welcome here. I know I certain;y bring more than a few...


There is so much I could say


it is a good topic to discus.
Let me begin, perhaps, by saying that I am not really a huge believer in God in the typical Christian sense. And according to this, http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html
I am pretty much a buddhist or similar.

I am similar in my questioning of the world, but I seem to be alright with things, as my only real questions, at this point in my life, seem to concern "love"... but that is a separate thing from this thread, perhaps. If you reallly as me, I would almost say

"Why on earth wouldn't energy manifest itself as an ugly 1980's black Volkswagen Golf Convertible?"

But according to my own "ratoinale" of the world, it is an easy question for me. As we know, though, my right answer for me is just that - a right answer for me. I am pretty certain that a lot of life is perspective, and it is up to you to be happy or sad about something.


There was a time where it sort of just dawned on me, that happiness is a state of mind, and I don't really have a reason to be upset about anything. I am told I follow an old saying "Be round with others but square with yourself", as in, let other people have slack yet be very disciplined and keep yourself in check. There are pros and cons to everything, though.

Even worse, if i'm just a logical evolution of energy that would also mean that I don't have my own free will, not even a little. Cause everything i think and act and do will be that way because of some logic reaction. Or actually, a combination of countless logical reactions. But if we would know all the parameters we could calculate exactly what I will do and there's no "I" that can change that, because "I" doesn't really exist", "I" is just a logical manifestation of energy.

I think a lot of things are just that - results from a combinations of logical reactions. That sort of borders predestination and such, I suppose.

And then you also bring up the point of whether "I" is really there or not. Do you choose to see "you" as an individual being, or are "you" a part of a whole, something larger? Be it collective or individual, god's plan or the "tao" of the world, it's up to you how you want to interpret it, I guess.




I suppose my real question to you is:

why do you want to be depressed?

 

[For Honor]

Hmm, I re-read your post, and I think I understand it better now (i'm up late and tired too, so forgive me if I seem out of line)


I have a lot of questions... but sometimes I realize that maybe I don't need to know the answer.


For one of my final projects, I wrote this statement and elaborated on it:

"Even after you accept irrelevance, you still have to decide what you want to do right now"

I've come to a point in my life where I can justify anything, and just the same discredit anything. I can see why something is right, and i can see why something is wrong, and I realize a lot of it is sort of perspective, like I said before.


Initially, understanding that many things had no real value to me, since few things either were "right" or "wrong". I was kind of depressed, because a lot of what I based my decisions on was sort of thrown out the window.

But then I was... I felt better about it. I don't know, just a sort of understanding. I guess I really don't have a reason to but upset or scared, so I wasn't. And maybe that is similar to what you went though, Vorsprung.


But please come back to finish what you started.

 

[For Honor]

Lol, to your ending statement, my personal view is that mankind doesn't have the answers but we can look for them, deliberate ignorance is not bliss but not knowing the truth because to be honest now, none of us do, can produce blissful results

You say that very well, and I don't disagree with you, ZeroDude.


I've done that many times, though I always try to put up a disclaimer that i write for myself, to understad. But basically...

I too have sought answers from outside of myself. And like ZeroDude implys, we may not have them. And perhaps if we do...


perhaps the only way to find the answer is the same way you generated the question.

It comes from inside.