A series of works concerning love

[For Honor]

So this will be my first "single", not posting in "my thread"... well, it is fitting, I suppose that it be about this.

I am feeling I am going to write a bunch of things this evening, because I can't be close to or even talk to someone I care about deeply tonight, yet I can't sit and be still. She is on my mind so much, and I wonder if she knows I am thinking about her... so I will probably send her some of these later on, if I feel they are good enough, (which they probably won't be) but we'll see....


I was going to use other titles for this collection,

A Wednesday Night Collection
In the absence
Only her
The Unforgettable Fire




and here is a small prelude of things I will probably write about. I have a feeling I will be up a long time tonight, since I don't have school, and woke up at 1-2pm, and am missing her quite severely...



Why I can only love one person
Why I have to love so deeply
"The Vault"
How much I want to be with her
Why I have to express it
Why I can be so reserved, reticent, yet in love, so ... extroverted



I don't understand so much, at this moment, why I feel so incredibly ... loving..... towards her.... But perhaps in my writing this evening I will. I don't quite understand it, it begins to effect my emotions even... and I can't deny it or distract myself...

So this will essentially be me venting a lot

Thanks for reading...

 

[For Honor]

All these poems are dedicated to her, obviously.
I am afraid to use her name for some reason, though I sort of wish I could. But I guess it doesn't matter

There is also a dedication to anyone who ever did anything in the name of love, or strived to love someone, or had to love someone, or felt so overwhelmed with care and concern and love and needing to be with someone that you had to write or express it somehow, and no matter what you could do you couldn't distract yourself. And also, these are dedicated to people who dream the dream of love, and love everlasting.

 

[For Honor]

Forever


I am so sad to be so far away
Emotions spill out of me tonight
And you are the only one who makes me sing

No one else in this world can replace you
And I have no reason to try
For I would never take a chance

"Of loosing love to find romance
In the myterious distance
Between a man and a woman"

I see you, my love
as "My Love"
Not just a person, a being, a soul
But my love
Love that is from me

I would wait forever to know you
To hold you and to have you
I would spend the world alone
If you were to be mine in the end
If you would wait for me
I would wait for you
I would wait for you
Forever

I wish I could flip a switch
Say the word
Make it happen
So that I could seal our fates
Together, forever

I don't want to love
It isn't a choice for me to make
I am in love
And my love lasts forever
It is not some trick
It is not some game

I am far too serious for such a thing
But I hope that doesn't push you (her) away
... (changing audience)
I hope my love isn't too much
I hope it doens't drown you
But I hav eto be honest

I has to come out
And I must let it consume you
Because I am already lost
In the sea of love

I'm floating there
Thinking of you
Only you
Only you

and I'm infatuated
and obsessing
and clinging
and grasping
and crying out for you

I don't need you
But I need you so much



Happiness?
It's irrelevant to me
But for some reason
I need to make you happy
I need you to be pleased
I think that makes me happy, somehow

But it almost isn't about me, though I know it is
I need you to be with me forever, my love
I need you tonight
But I can do without
As long as I know you love me

This world has made me broken
Made me cold and lonely
I spend my thoughts on what is right
And what is right to do

But you are my bed of tenderness
I can let it out in you, I must
And you return it to me so well
That is all I need

I need someone to love me
Love me forever
That is th eonly way I can.
It is the only way I can love
I can't love you for a day, or a week
I can't take it back
I have to love forever


...And I know
My ambition could be my downfall
To want such a love
BUt I .....
I just want to do things for you
I wish I could do something to make you love me forever
Possesive am I?
I am, aren't I...

But I want you to posses me too
I want to be yours and yours only
Forever
I don't want any double standards
No

I know I'm not a knight
I'm not a knigt in shining armor for you
But I wish I could be
I wish I could be a hero
And have a fairy tale
Where I loved you
And you loved me

Forever


I would give anything
But I realize.... I've nothing to give
I can barely give my love to you
And I wonder if that is enough

I don't doubt you
I just doubt the world
Can love happen?
Can everlasting love be made, found, lasting?
In my world it can

but I feel so alone
when it comes to love


But there you are
in my mind
and in my heart

Inside of my solitude


All I want is you
Everything else you want, I'll work for
JUst to give you
But I want you and nothing else
I could be alone
Be poor and cold and starving

And I would go find something for us to eat
And I would demand that you had it
Because I wouldn't need anything
Except to see you smile
And be happy....

if you could be happy with me
I wouldn't need anything else
If I could be the love you need
I wouldn't need anything more

I would sacrifice anything
But I know that i can't right now
Because I have to wait
I dont' want to wait forever

But I would
I would wait forever
If I could have you
And you could be mine
And you could be mine
And I could be yours
All to you and no one else

I promise
now and forever

I can't do anything
And it hurts so much
To have to leave it up in the air
To only give you words
When I want to give you everthing

Maybe tomorrow
I will be closer to the time
when I can give you my love
face to face

Forever

 

[For Honor]

"This world has made me broken"


I have seen
Nothing but sadness
I have seen
No form of love

I have heard
Only in stories
I have head
Only in movies

Of a love
that is real
Of a love
that is lasting

For my family
is so broken
For my family
Is divided

I don't know
how to love
I don't know
what to do

................................

Every relationship I see around me
Is of bitter broken hearts
Do these people want to love?
Or just avoid pain
Just avoid being alone

I don't mind solitude
I don't mind being single
But if I am to love
I can't half ass it

These people arond me
Don't even seem to care
They don't respect themselves
They don't even respect their goals
They just..... take it as it comes
Whatever comes their way

They do not strive for love
They strive to hide their insecurity
Their pain

I hope I am not that way
I want to love as my own choice
But I know my pain effects me....

Makes me crave stability and peace
Which I seek
through love...

That is why I need it forever
So my love doesn't go to waste
So is it my pride?
My Pride...

...It is my favorite song...


The song of heros
The song of martyrs
The song of honor, is it
"In the name of love"

Will my pride destroy me?
Will my dreams ground me,
drowned me....?

Will my ambition
undercut my legs
as I reach for the stars?

Or will they all boost me
And give me the strenth I need
To have my......
my Legendary Love....

 

[For Honor]

"Legendary Love", Knight of Wands


Ambition
Youthful and ideal
Heroic
Heroic..........?

I have the mentality
That it is possible, maybe
I am always questioning, of course
But I would go the distance
If I may be given the oppertunity

I am the "Knight"
I realize it is true
I might be the fool for it, too
But that is 'my situation'
The fool....
The Fool...

...sigh....

It is exhausting, perhaps
It is easy to be depressed
when my grand dreams
and ideals
are not met

But they are always there
Not just today
They will be there
Tomorrow
and the days and months after
I know that is true

I have made up my mind about what love is to be
Though I suppose I will stay flexible
And subject to change

But I want to be there hero
I want her to be my prize, heh
My maiden
My princess
My love

forever...

 

[For Honor]

I am the "Knight of Wands"

(I think Tarot cards are BS, and I think fortune telling is for fools. But for some reason, this is exactly spot on for me, and that is the only reason why I am posting it. This card has come up before, too. I it could be anything else, but it is this... and it is fitting....)



Love & Me: Knight of Wands

Main (positional) meaning


A new journey of discovery in the romantic realm is about to be embarked upon with optimism and high spirits.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) in this position indicates readiness for a voyage of discovery for you and your love interest. You are prepared for the journey, your effects are in order, you are in great shape and the excitement of departure prevails.

Inside there is a powerful feeling of youthful idealism -- you have no idea if this is going to be difficult or not, but those problems are tomorrow's problems. Today the energy is high, spirits are bright, the sky is clear and if there ever was a heroic and noble impulse in you, you are getting a chance to express it now.


---------------------

General Card Meaning

This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.

This character is traditionally called the Knight, but in some modern decks appears as the Prince. Traditionally, this card indicates the energy of a rabble-rouser, a fire-starter, a feisty and easily provoked character who is liable to attack first and ask questions later. This energy is quick to anger and enjoys a fight -- so much so that he might even experience a secret disappointment at the thought of a diplomatic solution! Nevertheless, he sees himself as trying to help, rescuing the world from its madness by imposing his sense of order upon it.

His vices are bossiness, paranoia and a tendency towards overkill. Nevertheless, there are times when his energy is perfectly appropriate, like when his assertively protective nature is defending threatened treasures or interfering with dark forces. The trick is to keep a sense of proportion when this Knight unleashes his fire, because he enjoys intense experiences and is always ready to take it to the next level. Once in awhile, this kind of kamikaze intensity is called for, but on a daily basis it is exhausting.

-----------------

Meaning of Position

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Love & Me position represents your personal identity in the Now, your only real point of power. It's not about you in an objective sense, but rather a reflection of how you perceive yourself. It points to an aspect of your self-image, outside of how others might see you.

Consider the meaning of the card that lands here in light of your inner experience, your personal perspective about yourself and the issues you bring to this reading. Who are you? What kind of attitude or energies are affecting you right now? What do you want? It's not always easy to know yourself. Clarity about values and roles is essential for skillful behavior. Values evolve, but don't be too attached to roles -- they can change.

Your attitude is of primary importance here because, more than anything, it supports a capacity for happiness, success and love. How are you contending with fears that arise? What aspect of yourself is in need of development here? Is there any attitude that may be in need of change?

The way you perceive yourself may prove to be accurate or inadequate as the reading unfolds. You may want to take a second look at this position at the end of the spread.

 

[For Honor]

All Day Long


I have spent
All day alone
Here in my house, my home
My room

("In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you...
NIght and Day")

I hear all the love songs go through my head
And I know I am drunk on the ideal of love


All day long
I am thinking of you
I am wondering what we would be doing
I am envisioning us
As a couple
Eating together
Watchihng TV together
Doing everything together

I am even thinking
about what I would be doing during the down times
When you were busy
Or I was working on something
And couldn't be with you

I am thinking
Of how we would be
when we weren't in the best of moods
I am wondering... is it true what I feel?
WIll I always be so viligent
So concerned for your concern
Worried about how you are
Catoring to you...


I am thinking about you
so much
I am thinking of us
hah
even in terms of couple
"sacrificial love", I've heard it called...
Where I would give up things
In order for the relationship to bloom
But I already would have given them up

Would that be a problem?
Do I have to play the stupid games
Of going throuhg a change to love you
To show you how...

Or could I cut through the BS, heh
ANd just get down to loving you


All day long
I just want to be there
And be with you
I don't understand it
You want so much what you don't have

You want so much what you don't have

But I have my whole life
as motivation
for wanting what i do have
When I have you


All day long....

 

[VertigoGal]

nice job i hope your love "turns out right"

this was my favorite bit, because its the part i can most relate to (never having been in love)

"This world has made me broken"


I have seen
Nothing but sadness
I have seen
No form of love

I have heard
Only in stories
I have head
Only in movies

Of a love
that is real
Of a love
that is lasting

For my family
is so broken
For my family
Is divided

I don't know
how to love
I don't know
what to do

................................

Every relationship I see around me
Is of bitter broken hearts
Do these people want to love?
Or just avoid pain
Just avoid being alone

I don't mind solitude
I don't mind being single
But if I am to love
I can't half ass it

These people arond me
Don't even seem to care
They don't respect themselves
They don't even respect their goals
They just..... take it as it comes
Whatever comes their way

They do not strive for love
They strive to hide their insecurity
Their pain

I hope I am not that way
I want to love as my own choice
But I know my pain effects me....

 

[For Honor]

__________________________________________________

"What I really want"

I just want what is right for both of us
If I am the one to be her soulmate
There is nothing more in the world I would want
But if I am not, I love her so, I care about her

And out of respect and sincereity
I want her to find her soulmate

I wish it were me
Yet at the same time

I could understand if it weren't
Becaus I am so far away
And no one should be so far away from real love

It is easy to say that I am so far away
Because here... there is so little, in my mind
But for her, I wonder
She will come across so many in her life
So many oppertunities for love

And I suppose I will too
But...
I don't know

I really..... just want is what is right
For both of us,




(even though I think love is more of a choice between two people more than anything else... not some..... emotional neccesity...)
more on that following

 

[For Honor]

"The Doubt" (and the answer)

So what am I really doing here
writing these words abouot
is it because I feel something?
I have an emotion, and I can't control it?
after I write this
will my feeling be over
and will my "need to love" reside?

Is this all a sham
a fake
a farse
is my idea of love
A dramatic lie?

Am I?

Am I?



can she really love me
knowing what she knows
and does not
and can I her
knowing what I know
and do not?

My questions never end
Will i ever be happy?
Does it matter, I wonder
if I am happy

Read my sig line, please, my footer
I can spend my life detached alone
Criticizing the world
It would be fairly easy and most feasible

Or should I strive for this love?
Work and labor for it
Pain over it
wait for it
make it happen some how?

I don't know....

I have no answers
and like my love that won't fade tonight
or tomorrow
neither wil my answers come

any time soon....


So I am right
I am right I am right
I AM RIGHT!!!!!!

I AM RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





my good god
I don't believe it
I really don't
This is no cliche
I was right
And I didn't realize how right I was
until this very moment
I thought the words made sense

But look
look at what I wrote !!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at what I wrote and please tell me you agree
Because it is so true!!!

"Even after you accept irrelevamce,
you still have to make the choice of how to act"

It is so true....
read my sig line again.....

I can say
all the reasons
as to why I should love
and i can list
all the reasons
why it is futile and meaningless

but it does not matter what i say
or do now, no
It means nothing, essentially.


I still ahve to make the choice
of what to do
NOW
at this moment

I guess that is what it all comes down to





Wow...... it reminds me of a zen thing i heard.....
It is one my father's school's door
Lao Tzu
(or however you spell it)

I only remember the end
and this is not a direct quote
but
I am putting together peices of the puzzle......

it reads, the end does,

"Express yourself completely
and then be silent
for the answer will come to you"



and I believe that is what I have just done here...


So I sit in silence......
and I let the answer come to me......


.......

.......


It promotes the love
I feel like
I should still love, seek love

I do not feel an.... anxiety
a........ drive, or a fear
I just feel like.....

calm
but
still .....
"focused"?

Even after I have accepted the irrelevance, I still have to make the choice. And I still feel inclined towards her. She is still the only person I am thinking about, of course.

In any loving or romantic or sexual way, of course

I suppose the drama has faded
but


I will have to remember that saying, and I will have to write it down when I get the chance

I have seen it so many times
but never thought of it's weight
yet it is so true and fitting for me

I will have to apply it more often


I feel better, calmer
But the answer, my choice is

I am going to write her a letter now
and probably go on my way
living and waiting

for love?
for tomorrow, if nothing more.

I can get so focused on love that I see nothing else, which in a way I respect and in a way I am scarred. I have to figure out how to combine my absolute and pure sense of love with my detachment and worldly constitution, or perhaps awareness is a better way to say it.


Hmm

I wonder if I will write anything more in this thread tonight?

If not, goodnight.

But I can see myself comeing back
and writing another description
of how I long for her to be in my arms tonight
as i go to sleep...

but we will see... won't we......

 

[For Honor]

In my last post, I didn't mean to sound arrogantl "I am right, I am right!!!"

I was just actually incredibly overwhelmed, momentarily, that I made a connection.

Because I have been trying so long, so long to connect something from "the world" to "love". They are two separate entities for me, and I have been trying to find some connection to them, somehow.

They always stood in defiance of each other. But now, in one small way, I have made a very abstract connection.



It sort of has to do with Modernism, a course I took. My one question throught the year was "what about love?". It has nothing to do with a course on modernism, really. It just came up in that class, because I made everything so philosophical. In my final presentation, I wrote these words:

"Even after you accept irrelevance, you still have to make a choice of how to act"





"Modernism hasn't changed how I think...
It has, perhaps, changed how I think about thinking"

For some reason, I get philosophical about things, even in a more abstrat class such as modernism. But It has to do with what is right and what is the truth.

Both "right" and "truth" are so very contextual and not really solid words, though. And I guess it might be foolish for me to base my deicions off of those things, but it is the way that seems "right" for me.


Eh, so confusing to write, I wonder if it makes any sense to read.


But the point is.....

well..... I think I said it best just moments ago:

I can say
all the reasons
as to why I should love
and i can list
all the reasons
why it is futile and meaningless

but it does not matter what i say
or do now, no
It means nothing, essentially.


I still ahve to make the choice
of what to do
NOW
at this moment

I guess that is what it all comes down to

I think that love fits into that catagory.
I think I may have found something that is universally true, (at least most of the time. )


I don't know.
It is just a n intereting connection I've made....

I will have to tell my teacher, Mrs. Carey.... I believe I have her email address still....

 

[For Honor]

I will conclude my series with this:


It is 5:31 in the morninghere, and my horoscope comes early. This is what it said:

"Your attempts at creating a peaceful existence for yourself are rattled today as a friend shocks you into a new frame of reference. Normally, you'd be resistant to change, but now your mind races ahead as you integrate the exciting images. You are not as restrained by your usual sense of practicality. Make the most of this intellectual freedom while you are still high from the adrenaline rush. "



All I have to say is......





I guess you could say I made the most of it.....

 

[ZeroDude]

"I think I may have found something that is universally true, (at least most of the time. )"

Somehow I don't think so, all that is universally true is nothing but the certainty of chance therefore all that appears so through study and deliberation happens to be a statistical error, i.e. check again and you'll find a different answer, human nature imo however is too fallible, unpredictable and precocious for most theories of the mind and soul to fall into any logical pattern discernible by science, religion or philosophy ( although philosophy surely is what this all is )

Your writing on modernism was an interesting read and really to get back to the whole point of this thread, maybe a subtext that exists here is that the world has lost sight of love, too concerned with our own opinion of what love is to see truely what love is for all mankind, big talk you'll agree, but your writing sparks these thoughts in my head, cheers and thank you very much for your pondering of life

 

[ZeroDude]

I will conclude my series with this:


It is 5:31 in the morninghere, and my horoscope comes early. This is what it said:

"Your attempts at creating a peaceful existence for yourself are rattled today as a friend shocks you into a new frame of reference. Normally, you'd be resistant to change, but now your mind races ahead as you integrate the exciting images. You are not as restrained by your usual sense of practicality. Make the most of this intellectual freedom while you are still high from the adrenaline rush. "



All I have to say is......





I guess you could say I made the most of it.....

Fair play, although horoscopes merely direct your thought into a single channel that another suggestive influence could of done as easily, nevertheless we all have to make the most of life.....

 

[For Honor]

I enjor horoscopes, because I like to laugh at them. I find they are either dead on for me, or totally crap

It's all perspective anyway, perspectivism.
You can apply anything to anything, connect anything to anything, justify anyhting with anything....




The irony of a universal truth is that it is an irony.
Perhaps I should have said universally true for me.
Because I am at this point, be it a phase or a level reached i odn't know, where....

I can say anything is right or wrong.
And I am always.... using that as a way to make decisions - what is the best thing to do in this situation, what is right, etc. But I don't know..... It' just like..... there really isn't a right or wrong.

Every...... step.... every card turned over
Every word written
Is just a part of the whole experience, and
if you want to get religioius
It is kind of futile to judge a moment when God judges your life in it's entirity.

It has to do with the soul, I would think, more so.

But then again, it doesn't really matter
My one opinion
Is nothing in this world
To anyone else perhaps
But at the same time..... it is.......
All I've got


And I have to, am forced to, even if I don't want to
make a decision about what to do

NOW



And I don't know
For me
things have become that simple
Be that a blessing or a curse I do not know yet.....
That sort of has to do with....
my conclusion that because anything can be *insert function* with anything, then there is a sort of irrelevance.

 

[For Honor]

perhaps?
or just rambling.....


I can see
my own tendancies, the kind of person I am
I can understand why I do things
I don't believe in fate very much
Maybe not even destiny, because I see things in a certain way

But
sometimes I wonder how much out choices really are our own.
I can see all the opertunities

But how many will I actually allow myself to choose from.


The classic abstratct sort of example: I could jump out my windo right now, into the rain. Why am I not?

I don't feel very motivated.




I wonder if motivation comes from the inside or the outside, though....

I don't know.




So many questions!!!!
They all lead together
All lead to the same thing


But still
it doesn't matter
what I answer
or don't


I', just sitting here thinking.
I probably should be doing other things
but then again
I wonder if
that really matters either.



For me, in my life
It always comes back to my principles, what I think is the best thing to do.
So I come full circle.


I guess sometimes you have to do that though, becasue if you go full circle, maybe you ill see thihngs from all the neccesary points of view..



Does the farmer know his life is peaceful and consistent
or is it dull and boring



I guess I am no different.


I don't know the whole world
I can't
I can only know my "existance".....

but....
It is still, generally
my choice
as to how I act
or react maybe...




but philsophy and thinkingg may only be a waste of time
justify what?