A little thing I wrote (give me some feedback)

[wildhoney22]

Here's a song/poem I wrote one night......


And I stayed up
To watch your sleeping face
It sends a chill
You?re fixed on the moonlight
And the silence
Burns like a drill

Your skin is cold and
I don?t want us to grow old
To lose the life we had
But I look at you
Look for your lost smile
And I see a face gone bad

Innocence was always a reason
To explain why we left without a trace
But we?ve turned over, years and seasons
And home is the only place

No words were ever spoken
But the spell was somehow broken
And I could feel you slip away
The quiet storm spilling on the stage
And we are torn like a page
As the people leave the bay

 

[The Wanderer]

beautiful and sad, great poem wildhoney22...

such a perplexing and agonizing thing--when love slips away, indescribable, yet you did just that...

out of curiosity, have you set it to music? if not you should

---------
do you believe there's not a chance tonight?
we'll crucify the insincere tonight, tonight...
believe in me as I believe in you
tonight, tonight

 

[Alisaura]

I can't say I've been in that situation, but I found it touching nontheless...
I want to say that it looks like ATYCLB had a big impact on you, but this doesn't sound like those songs, it just has that sort of feeling about it... I dunno. The nickname might have clued me in too...

I like it.

 

[BabyGrace]

wildhoney, thanks this poem really speaks to me

wonderful piece, so much more than just the words on the page
thank you

------------------
but for the grace of love I'd will the meaning of heaven from above...

 

[scatteroflight]

"The quiet storm spilling on the stage..." This is excellent. The last verse is very moving. Thanks.



------------------
Love is the heartbeat of the universe

 

[Bacchus]

Originally posted by wildhoney22:

Innocence was always a reason
To explain why we left without a trace
But we?ve turned over, years and seasons
And home is the only place

No words were ever spoken
But the spell was somehow broken
And I could feel you slip away
The quiet storm spilling on the stage
And we are torn like a page
As the people leave the bay

Simply Beautiful wildhoney22, thank you for sharing. I can almost hear the piano in those last few lines, resonant peace.

 

[foray]

And the silence
Burns like a drill

Interesting cross-metaphor.

The quiet storm spilling on the stage

This line is very moving.

foray