What would you do?

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Carek1230

Blue Crack Overdose Get me off the internetz!
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Nov 3, 2002
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Something's really bothering me. This really happened, it isn't hypothetical. Not long ago some friends and I went on a trip together. 6 of us sharing expenses and a hotel room. My sister and a guy I like were in the party & met for the 1st time when we all arrived. The 2nd night of this trip I awoke during the night to discover my sister and this guy in the other bed making out. I was upset but after witnessing this for about 10 mins. got up and left the room. I called before I came back. My sister said nothing had happened and she didn't know what I was talking about when I questioned her about what I'd seen. The guy apologized and wanted to take all the blame stating he was a dog and it was rude of him to have done what he did. At least he was honest.

Before the trip I'd hear from this guy on an almost daily basis-phone calls, emails and chatting. He was very nice and a really great friend. After this trip I hardly heard from him. When I did he was constantly telling me to not be so hard on my sister, and that he wanted us to get along. He and my sister were burning up the phone lines and internet. I felt really weird about this, especially when I sent an email to them both telling them that I realized I'd had feelings for the guy and seeing the 2 of them making out was weird and it hurt me. My sister responded with guilt and the guy responded telling me I was full of shit and was just using that excuse to hurt my sister and keep the 2 of them from the possibility of a relationship even tho they are in different states. Every contact with my sister all she would do was talk about him and bring something about him into each and every conversation even when I asked her not to. I feel this guy loves pitting people against one another, especially my sister and myself. I think he also loves pissing people off, starting arguments, debating....

The Holidays arrive and I'm hesitant to have the 2 of them here at my house together because of my feelings having been hurt. The 2 tell me they are only "friends" and my sister begs to stay with me. I am laden with gifts. I made it clear I didn't want the 2 of them alone in my house together, and that I wouldn't allow my house to be used as a bordello or my car to be used for them to sneak away in. The holiday is alright but I notice whenever the 3 of us are together the guy is really mean to me and I don't like it. Some friends recognize the pattern. On New Years Eve he really crossed the line and I called him on it in front of everyone. He demanded my sister take him to where he was staying. Good riddance. I've not heard a word from him since. On New Year's Eve Day my sister asked to use my car to go visit my cousins. I learned later she had arranged to pick up this guy and took HIM to visit with our family. They were late arriving to a dinner party we'd planned at my house that night.

Meanwhile my sister is upset because I've told her my friendship with this guy is over, and that I can see a pattern I don't like in how he treats me and others. I see him taking advantage of her financially (and probably otherwise, she is nearly 10 yrs older). My sister is acting differently not to mention my mother and I have caught her in a couple of lies (this guy is a good liar) which is very unlike her.


I agonized over all that had happened since that first trip and realized my relationship with my sister is and should be more important than with that a friend, or someone I *thought* was a friend. Now my sister is upset and we are hardly speaking. She feels I have made a HUGE deal out of some what she and this guy feel are petty issues. I've told my sister I don't want to hear the guy's name mentioned so she says she has nothing to talk about with me. It's rather ridiculous and immature, however I am looking out for myself and I feel so disrespected. First of all friends don't hurt friends, no one in their right mind should mess with someone your friend or sister knows you like, and how disrespectful is it to be making out in a hotel room while everyone else sleeps? That's just sleazy.

Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I have learned to walk away from things that cause me pain and avoid people or things that aren't good for me or don't make me happy. I am looking out for ME which isn't a selfish thing. Why do I feel so crappy?

:reject: :help:
 
Considering how this "friend" treated you like shit I believe you are entitled to feel the way you do. Plus it's obivious that you care about your sister. Just my guess but I think that's why you feel so crappy. It hurts with the position that you and your sister are in right now. You are not trying to be a jerk you just want your wishes to be respected. Believe the least your sister could do is not mention the sleaze's name around you. What happened is not petty despite what they say. Would feel the same way if I were in this position with my sister. Im sorry I hope you feel better soon :hug:
 
:hug: I don't know what to say really, just that I hope this works out in a way that you and your sister are both happy. (If that guy's happy too, great, but after reading your post I don't think I care too much about him.)
Maybe just keep telling your sister how much you care about her, and that you respect her decision to date this guy, but to be careful with him so she doesn't get hurt.
 
doesnt she realize hes an arsehole to you? :| or does she just believe everything he says, with his "oh shes doing it to upset you" thing?

i think its pretty crap if she cant show any empathy towards your situation.
 
What you said is absolutely true of course, friends don't hurt friends. Hurt isn't always intentional but that doesn't make it hurt any less. But this guy and your sister both knew you had feelings for him, right?

"Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I have learned to walk away from things that cause me pain and avoid people or things that aren't good for me or don't make me happy. I am looking out for ME which isn't a selfish thing. Why do I feel so crappy?"


I don't think you're wrong at all to look out for yourself, maybe you're like me and you beat yourself up even when other people hurt you, you feel guilty somehow for standing up for yourself. For me I know where that comes from and why I do that.

I don't have any sisters so I don't know what that's like or how I would handle that, but if it was another woman/a friend I would hopefully stick up for myself and just let her know that my friendship/relationship with her was still important. Unfortunately your sister might learn the hard way with this guy and all you can do is be supportive I guess.
 
Again, thanks to all for your support. My sister is unfortunately going to have to learn the hard way. Again. I think she believes everything the guys says and I also believe that he is doing his best to make ME out to look like the "bad guy" in all of this. My sister obviously doesn't see how I've been hurt. I'm sure this guy is keeping her quite busy with his constant phone calls, emails, texting etc. That is why I don't hear from my sister, because he manipulates her time. So I am sitting back and waiting, as patiently as I can. I know the day will come when I can say, as supportively as possible, "I told you so".
 
If your sister believed family comes first then the "right" thing for your sister to do is to dump this guy - blood is thicker than water. :yes:
 
Sometimes sisters don't listen to anything you have to say. And they choose an asshole over family. I sorta know what you are dealing with.

Sorry you are going through this. :hug:
 
Thanks. :hug: It makes me feel sooooo much better that people actually understand or have experienced something similar and that I am not the only one, I am NOT a freak. My sister and I are talking, but it's not the same. She has chosen an asshole over me and that hurts.
 
MrsSpringsteen said:


I don't think you're wrong at all to look out for yourself, maybe you're like me and you beat yourself up even when other people hurt you, you feel guilty somehow for standing up for yourself. For me I know where that comes from and why I do that.

I am sooo like this too. I've recently realized that in the past I've been so afraid to "rock the boat" or potentially look like an ass...even if I was completley justified in doing so. Once I noticed that, I got over it quickly. If someone needs to be called out I'll call 'em out on it and to hell with them if they don't get it. It's hard though I know...but don't compromise yourself becuase someone else is being a douchebag to YOU.
 
Eventually your sister will realize that he's a creep. It might take time, but it will happen. Unfortunately some of us girls have to have it staring us in the face rather than believe people who care about us that we are with a jerk :madspit:
But when she does realize he's a jerk, my advice would be to try not to get into the I told you so mode and just work on rebuilding your friendship with her.
Once she can see clearly hopefully she will see how she wronged you
 
your were hurt...
you greived and got mad

but dont waste your energy being mad at them anymore...let bygones be bygones.
dont hang onto that shit..itll just will wear you out.

just move on now
 
Well, first of all you are doing the right thing. Telling your sister what you think about the guy, not wanted him in your house sleeping ect. but at the end you should accept her choice and be there if something is going wrong in that relation.

If you like it or not, it is her decision if she want to keep that man. And it is up to her to respect your feelings about that guy.

*dont hang onto that shit..itll just will wear you out.*
This is so true, and it could mean you will lose your sister forever.
 
Thanks, GG and thanks Rono.....nice having a male's perspective. I talked to my sister this morning and we actually had a conversation where this guy wasn't even referred to! I think that was a first. It didn't feel that bad. I think it is just a matter of time before she sees the light and sees him for the jerk he is and I do feel in my heart that our relationship as sisters will perhaps even be strengthened by what's happened. I do belive things happen for reasons.....perhaps that is the lesson here?:wink:
 
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