What to do now? Problems with this friend just keep coming

[Kiki]

alright so many of you know of this one particular friend of mine, due to the "Bridesmaid Nightmare" thread of mine.


So ya'll know about the problems she and her on again/off again fiance have.
So we go out to dinner on Saturday night, me, Brian(my husband), her and her fiance and her son.

Alright, so we're laughing and joking around and the sarcasim and jokes start flying. They were poking jokes at me and Brian, and we were giving it right back. No big deal, it was all good fun.

Brian was joking around with Rick and said something along the lines of "Oh, I've not met this beautiful girlfriend of yours".

We all laughed, no big deal. My friend goes crazy a minute later, on her fiance. "Why don't you ever defend me? Why can't you stick up for me??? You NEVER DO and I'm sick of it."

I was sitting there like......whoa, ok we're in a resturant....calm the hell down.

I didn't see how it was a big deal, yeah ok the comment Brian made could have been really mean if it wasn't how we joke around with these particular friends. They've done much worse to me that Brian's not appreciated, totally joking about me being a slut, etc. Yah it stings and it's kind of like....am I really making you think that? or are you just being sarcastic?
Granted I'm the furthest thing from making anyone think that....at least I think. I know I don't dress trashy, etc.


Anyway, we all let it go--or so I though. I went to the washroom and I come back and there's no one sitting at the table. Brian comes back, I ask where the other two are. He said they went outside. Ok, I figure whatever, they're arguing because she called him out on something she didn't like that he's not doing, whatever.

She comes back and pulls me aside and starts telling me that she didn't like this comment, etc. Brian had already apologized nicely, so I figured it was dropped. Hell, worse comments than that have flown about me.
She starts telling me how she and her fiance are fighting now because he never sticks up for her
Honestly at that point I could have cared less. I told her flat out, you're being to overly sensitive and honestly what did you want him to do? Turn around and punch Brian? Scream at him? He looked at Brian and Brian realized how stupid it was of a thing to say and he apologized to you.

We go back to the table and I whispered to Brian, "Apologize to her again". He did and asked if there was a problem?

Next thing we know, Rick comes storming in and screams and yells at Brian. Everyone turns and looks at him and he's in Brian's face.

He said, "IF YOU EVER-EVER say something like that again your ass will be mine! Be thankful I'm not knocking your fucking teeth out of your mouth right now!!!!"

I was shocked. My jaw seriously dropped to the floor. I put my hand on Brians leg-1. to keep him sitting down and 2. to let him know I didn't agree with this at all.

My friend starts freaking out on her fiance and is all, "Please, please don't do this, if you love me at all you won't do this". I'm sitting there like......YOU BOTH ARE NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
So her fiance turns around and walks out and asks, "Aren't you coming?!" She said no, sit down, stay with us.

I'm like....screw that, I'm leaving. her fiance turns to leave but not before screaming, "FINE! CHOSE HIM OVER ME LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!!!"

Now I'm there like....WTF?! The way it was said made it sound like she and my husband had a thing going on. I was pissed at that point. Up till then it was more like I was caught in the middle of all this.

So Brian and I left and he felt like crap. he'd apologized 3 times in all, he'd tried to apologize to her fiance. I didn't want to make him feel worse, but I asked him why he said it. He said it was one of those things that just came out and you thought it would be taken as it was---a joke, and seeing as how they'd joked around the same way toward both of us, earlier in the night....he figured it would be taken as it was meant and not seriously at all.

When we were leaving the resturant, I nearly told her...I dont think I can be in your wedding anymore....but I kept my mouth closed.

They tried calling us 25 times Saturday night. I went to the bookstore to see my brother, where he works, and talk to him.

My brother heard what happened and he told me he feels she over reacted and especially if Brian apologized and because of the comments or "jokes" they've made in the past regarding me, they were being way to oversensitive.

So I finally talk to her fiance last night. I explained that I didn't want to talk to either of them on Saturday night because I didn't want to end up saying something I'd regret. Things ended fine with him, I told him he didn't owe me an apology at all, but I think he and Brian owed each other apologies.

He said he really wanted to talk to Brian, he didn't realize that Brian was trying to apologize to him on Saturday night when he came in.

So today I get an email from my friend.

She said she needed to say some things to get them off her chest. I'm reading this thinking....why are you telling ME this stuff. Talk to your fiance or email my husband if you're still pissed. I seriously was just there when this happened. It wasnt my fault, I didnt instigate it, nothing. But these things she's saying in her email-she was completely attacking me and my marriage.

Saying that I've been beaten down so much by being a wife that I don't know how to be a powerful woman anymore and getting married has taken my identity away from me......I'm seriously reading this email and my blood started boiling.

I wrote her back and told her to get off her high horse and I had no clue why she was attacking my marriage at all. I've not become some wishy washy wife that stands by the way side. I admited that I gave Brian crap about what happened, but if I thought he had said it to be mean or vengful, I would have called him out on it.

I really thought it was just a stupid comment and she was being way to sensitive and over reacting, along with dragging us in to her own problems.

So, part of me feels like saying, screw it, forget their wedding, etc. I'm sick of all their shit and the on again off again crap.
The other part of me just wishes she'd drop this crap, but she keeps emailing me about how she's having these horrible anxiety attacks, etc. She's ALWAYS having anxiety attack. I'm at the point where I'm ready to tell her--GO TO THE DOCTOR if you're really having anxiety about all this shit that you deal with day to day. I can't do anything about it and I'm tired of hearing about it.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

 

[UberBeaver]

What an odd situation.

 

[BEAL]

I went through similar stuff with my wife. Although never, ever to that extent in public.

There were a lot of times where she didn't get the jokes, and she had a very hard time with sarcasm. I learned to tone down some of the dirty jokes, and sarcasm when she was around though.

It just led to too many discussions over what was said and then having to explain oneself.

I'm very glad I don't have that drama in my life.

For you, I'd hang out with them less for the time being. They seem very unstable.

 

[Galeongirl]

it sounds like she could use some serious help!

whatever you do, make sure you're not ever gonna believe whatever she says about your marriage!

 

[Kiki]

For you, I'd hang out with them less for the time being. They seem very unstable.

They are and I'm sick of their problems and crap. I know she's WAY over sensitive about everything and her excuse for everything is that she's having anxiety, and I'm just extremely sick of that excuse. Pick something else to obsess over. I understand it can be a huge problem for people, I've had it really bad only once, but if it's REALLY that bad, get some help for it and stop trying to get me to fix it.

it sounds like she could use some serious help!

whatever you do, make sure you're not ever gonna believe whatever she says about your marriage!

oh I'm not worrying about what she says about my marriage, thank you for saying that too. I mean I did take offense to it, because quite frankly thats no one elses place or business to be talking about but your own.

I just hate that she WON'T drop this. Its like I'm back in freaking junior highschool. She wants me to talk to my husband and ask him to call her fiance and blah blah blah.

Im not going to ask him to do anything. He apologized 3 times to her----which she says she doesnt remember, yet her fiance tells me she admitted to him that Brian DID apologize. If he didn't apologize, I'd be on his ass about that, but because he did.....OH MY GOD---DROP IT!!!!!!!!!

Just let it go already. She emailed me back this HUGE email. Honestly, I skimmed it and deleted it.

She asked me at the very end--"So I saw you avoided my question about whether or not you're still going to be one of my bridesmaids....I'd really like to know, are you?"

Seriously, if I have to make a decision RIGHT now.....no I really don't want to.

But because we've been friends for 15 years, I'm trying NOT to be rash here and lose a long time friend.

 

[Gluey]

Well, if they don't make you feel good when you're in their company, don't hang out with them. Tell them you need a break while everything dies down, and down the track if you feel like you can enjoy their company again, you'll get back in touch with them. Don't put yourself in a shitty situation just to keep the other people happy - you only end up bringing yourself down.

There are obviously issues they need to work through. They need to do that on their own. Politely tell her that in light of what has happened you don't feel it would be appropriate to be a bridesmaid (if that's truly how you feel) at this point in time, you value her as a friend, but it has to cut both ways. If she's a real friend she will take time to digest that, think it over and respect it. And at the end of the day do you feel comfortable being friends with someone who doesn't think twice about treating you like she did?

 

[MooMoo!]

I think they should be considering their OWN vows, not yours. Its funny the fact shes critisising your marriage when shes about to tie the knot herself.

Anyway, they seem an awful lot of hassle. I wouldnt want you to sever all ties or anything like that, as obviously you're friends for a reason, but they really need to sort themselves out. It just seems petty, they cant take their own medicine over something as little as a joke!

 

[Kiki]

I think they should be considering their OWN vows, not yours. Its funny the fact shes critisising your marriage when shes about to tie the knot herself.

Anyway, they seem an awful lot of hassle. I wouldnt want you to sever all ties or anything like that, as obviously you're friends for a reason, but they really need to sort themselves out. It just seems petty, they cant take their own medicine over something as little as a joke!

well, exactly. to all of that.

and that's just the thing, she's gone on this rampage about how they've NEVER even dreamed of joking around the way this joke went down. I pointed out a few instances to her that neither me nor my husband appreciated and and yet neither of us acted like this. We acted like adults and dealt with it on our own.

I just can't get over that she's so insanely insecure in everything about her physical features or that she'd honestly think that my husband would have meant that in a sersious way. I mean as soon as he said it he even went as far as to say, "I was only teasing, I know you are his beautiful girlfriend".

I mean...... I think I'm getting to the point where I don't see how this friendship is really going to do me any good anymore. I see this never being let go of and always being brought up or dragged out and having to feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

It just all comes back to that she has to grow up. She's 26, come on. Stop fishing for reassurance from everyone and pick yourself up and carry on with your life.

 

[MooMoo!]

Looking back at that other thread you made, it does seem that shes marrying him for the wrong reasons. Or at least, theyre together for the wrong reasons.

Seems dodgy, as its not like you can really turn round and tell her so. Although the way it seems at the moment, its more than likely this is one great big mistake.

 

[Lila64]

I agree with MooMoo & gluey.

These two don't sound like a very stable loving couple. And it sounds like they are getting married for all the wrong reasons, if I remember the other thread correctly. Run! (j/k)

 

[BluRmGrl]

You say this person's been your friend for 15 years and you (commendably) don't want to be rash & throw away that long a friendship. Has she always behaved this way? Or is it only with the fiancee?

If she's acted this way for years - turn her loose. Don't answer her calls, don't return her messages, block her emails, etc. She's not going to improve or change and she'll only continue to draw you into her self-created Hell so she has someone she can cry to & milk for pity. (I speak from experience. )

If she's only been like this since hooking up with Mr. Wonderful - tell her in no uncertain terms that while she may not want to face the fact or even admit it, they are horrible for each other & she'd be making the biggest mistake of her life if she goes through with marrying this guy. If she insists on going through with it, graciously thank her for the opportunity to stand at her wedding but inform her you'll have no part in it whatsoever. Then - turn her loose.

 

[Kiki]

You say this person's been your friend for 15 years and you (commendably) don't want to be rash & throw away that long a friendship. Has she always behaved this way? Or is it only with the fiancee?

If she's acted this way for years - turn her loose. Don't answer her calls, don't return her messages, block her emails, etc. She's not going to improve or change and she'll only continue to draw you into her self-created Hell so she has someone she can cry to & milk for pity. (I speak from experience. )

If she's only been like this since hooking up with Mr. Wonderful - tell her in no uncertain terms that while she may not want to face the fact or even admit it, they are horrible for each other & she'd be making the biggest mistake of her life if she goes through with marrying this guy. If she insists on going through with it, graciously thank her for the opportunity to stand at her wedding but inform her you'll have no part in it whatsoever. Then - turn her loose.

I think alot of this has to do with "Mr. Wonderful" and since she met him. I'm trying to think back, we met in Junior high and yeah she's always been really self concious, but in our senior year of highschool she got pregnant and all our friends knew, but me. She didn't tell me, another friend told me when we were in college and had invited me to her baby shower.
She says it's because she felt like I'd not accept it or whatever. That hurt more than anything she's ever said to me before, it's made me realize over all these years that she doesnt or didn't know me at all. Yeah, I'd be upset if it were ME that were pregnant at 18 and unwed, but who the hell am I to judge other people for their choices like that?! My standards and what I had planned or not planned for my own life is just that, my own thoughts and concerns. She's not my best friend or anything, so my other friends were sort of blown away that she'd have made such accusations in the past.

Regardless, no, all this "anxiety" talk and over sensitiveness has been in the past 7 years of being with him.
I've tried being supportive, I've tried being firm with her, I've even come out and asked her WHY she keeps coming to me and her other friends when we're all telling her the same crap and yet she runs and does the exact opposite and goes back to him. This last time I just finally told her, yep, yeah he's changed. Those two weeks of counseling have really changed him. I think he's serious when he says he wants to marry you now. Good luck.

Why waste my time anymore?! She won't listen either way. She's driven all her friends to this.

She badgered me so much last night about the stupid question about still being one of her bridesmaids, I finally just answered her and said yes, ok.

Now I'm thinking.....I can't do this. I'm trying very hard not to push this friendship away, but you're all right....it's getting to the point where I'm asking myself...why are we still friends? I want to, I want to be there for her, but.....these are all reasons I didn't have her in MY wedding. She's also one of those people that asked me----she's the only one that asked me, if she could be a bridesmaid.

Um....talk about awkward. I had just gotten engaged and was so put on the spot, I just said we'll see what happens.

 

[MooMoo!]

So she badgers you more than other friends, when you arnt even her best friend?

You must be soft with her or something, otherwise she wouldnt keep at you all the time. Give her a kick up the arse. Literally or otherwise.

Does she consider you being a bridesmaid as something important to her? if so you should maybe just say "sort yourselves out or Im not being a part of this wedding" I mean, you and most people who've commented can see its a REALLY dodgy setup, so it's probably hard for you to arrange and be part of something you know in the long run (or even short) will fall apart.
That could also turn back on you if and when it happens, like "oh you were the one(s) who reassured me" etc. Obviously Im not saying this WILL happen, just a theory.

But yeah, put a foot down.

 

[Kiki]

yeah, well part of me is also wondering if I go and spend money on this dress to be in the wedding and all that, what happens if they argue again and it's off again or what not.

I think I just have alot of decisions to make regarding this friendship and support I've given her. I've been putting off saying this because I don't want to sound like a friendship has to benefit you, but what it starts hindering you....you have to let go of it and put it in the past, right?

 

[BAW]

He said, "IF YOU EVER-EVER say something like that again your ass will be mine! Be thankful I'm not knocking your fucking teeth out of your mouth right now!!!!"

Seriously, that would have been the end of it for me. I could NEVER stand up for a friend at her wedding, knowing the groom has threatened to knock my husbands fucking teeth out.

 

[Sicy]

Um yeah.. I'd get as far away from these two as I could

 

[Kiki]

Re: Re: What to do now? Problems with this friend just keep coming

Seriously, that would have been the end of it for me. I could NEVER stand up for a friend at her wedding, knowing the groom has threatened to knock my husbands fucking teeth out.

yeah....you've got a pretty huge point there. I think you're right. I've tried to deal with it in the sense that he apologized to me and he says he wants to apologize to my husband, but there's something that's just telling me that maybe I should just be closing the door on this entire friendship.

I'd mentioned before that yeah, we're not best friends. At least she's not my best friend, and the more and more I think about it she's very much stuck in a rutt with not wanting to strive for anything in life and not wanting to let go or let people go on with theirs.

Everytime we've talked about moving to Texas she's practically in tears and I have just blown it off. Now I'm thinking that's even more weird than I thought in the past.

 

[BluRmGrl]

I talked about my similar experience in another thread not too long ago, but I completely see myself in you, Kiki. I was friends with a woman who exhibited similar behavior patterns throughout the 5-7 years I knew her. I tried using different tactics during that time to distance myself from her never ending 'panic attacks' and drama, because I didn't want to have to be rude to her. I didn't WANT to hurt this person's feelings, cause hey - I'm not a bitch, I'm a nice person. (You've said this to yourself before, right?)

I finally sat down and asked myself: what am I getting from this friendship? Not in a material capacity, but what emotional value is there to me knowing this person? And when I couldn't find one single thing that I was getting - besides headaches & ulcers - I finally decided I had no choice but to be ruthlessly blunt with this woman. I had to tell her point blank that her behaviour was appalling, that I was sick of it & that from that point forward I was going to have nothing further to with her, ever.

I felt bad about it for a while - I still feel bad that I couldn't have used kinder words - but it took that kind of shock for her to hear me and believe I was serious. She still tried contacting for a while, but eventually the message sunk in and she stopped calling. Although she did track down my current phone number about 3 years ago when she was in town and had the nerve to call & leave me a message that she was in town & would love to see me. Needless to say, I never returned that call.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

Seriously, that would have been the end of it for me. I could NEVER stand up for a friend at her wedding, knowing the groom has threatened to knock my husbands fucking teeth out.

exactly. i think this sums it up better than anything else. there's no way in hell i would be someone's bridesmaid after their fiance threatened my husband. i wouldn't have said anything then either, but waited until i had a cooler head about things and basically told her, i'm sorry but i can't be in your wedding anymore. especially since she keeps badgering you about it, it's the perfect opportunity to tell her.

i'm not pushing you into dropping out of the wedding or anything, just offering my advice on what i'd do if it were me in this situation. good luck kristen

 

[martha]

If someone threatened my husband, that person would never see me again. I don't care who the fuck he was.

 

[Kiki]

yeah I think the more this all sinks in the more I'm realizing that this is the way to go. I was talking to a very good friend of mine last night, she acutally used to be in here as Mullen-Girl (Cristy). When I was talking to her last night something just hit me, a comment this girl that I've been talking about, said to me a while ago and I told Cristy.

This friend has said more than once in the past, when she and her fiance were fighting; "You know, Kristen, sometimes I just think that you and he would be better together, that the two of you are perfect for each other"

She's said that to ME about her fiance. The first time she said it was when Brian and I were engaged, before she met him. Then again about.....a year to a year and a half ago.

When I remembered that and told Cristy last night I was mortified. She agreed that was just.......who makes that comment?!
I would NEVER think of making that comment to someone.

Yep, I think you're all right. I've tried to get past it because they apologized and I could tell that her fiance really meant it and he's dropped it, but I know she's always going to be harboring bad thought against my husband now. Besides that, I pointed out to her that what her fiance did by making a scene and yelling and threatening, that's exactly what she was looking for and that's exactly what she asked him to do.

She disagree's with that, but all I saw him doing was what she was egging him on to do.

I'm at the point where all I can do is agree with Uber---What an odd situation.

I keep saying that over and over again in my head, then curse myself for letting Uber in my head!

 

[Hinder]

Dude - projection problems, much? On her part, not yours. Let LaLa lady go. You don't need her. Tell her flat out you won't be in her wedding, not for any reason. This girl is seriously dangerous to your sanity. There's something wrong with her.

get away from this thing before it makes you crazy.

 

[Galeongirl]

seriously, get out while you can! leave the ship before it sinks and drags you with it!

don't waste anymore time and money on this couple... not good for your health...

 

[Mr. BAW]

I mean, could you obviously have a good time at this event and the preceding festivities, i.e. shower, bachelor/bachelorette parties.....NO!

Save your cash and your sanity, forget about it!

And another thing, we've all dumped friends; dump these pals or I'm gonna kick your husband's ass!

See how easy it was to dump me....

 

[Kiki]

And another thing, we've all dumped friends; dump these pals or I'm gonna kick your husband's ass!

See how easy it was to dump me....

I wouldn't dump ya! although....all it would take is errassing you off my myspace and ignoring you on here, and yet I don't think you'd notice even then! jk

Yeah, I think I've just got to get up the nerve to do it is all. I'm gonna have to tell her flat out, I can't do this anymore. I can't stand by and just pretend to be happy with it.

thanks everyone.

 

[Mr. BAW]

gimme her name and number and its done!

 

[Lila64]

You could send her a letter. Or an email

Time to move on from this couple...

 

[Kiki]

gimme her name and number and its done!

she's on my myspace.

she's also the type to ask why she's not on my top friends if I take her off or change it around, etc. She's off now, so we'll see what she has to say.

 

[Lila64]

 

[Canadiens1131]

Frigging drama, man.