What the F*ck am I Doing?

[BluRmGrl]

I have created quite the predicament for myself over the past 2-3 months and it's reached the point that I need to get someone else's opinion - or maybe even the voice of experience.

My best friend of 27 years has recently filed for separation from her 2nd husband - this is a GOOD THING. "S" has moved back home now & is settling in to her new job and her new life as a twice-divorced mother of 2 boys. To help her adjust and not feel isolated, I've introduced S to mine & my husband's ("K") current cirlce of friends. One of the introductions was to a great guy ("D")who's become absolutely CRAZY about S. Which is exactly what I wanted - they'd be perfect for each other & I'm trying to play match-maker. Since October, D's put in a lot of phone & e-mail hours with me, trying to learn more about S & her history, how we know each other, etc etc etc. At first I found it very annoying - it all seemed so 3rd grade. "I like her. Does she like me?" That type of thing. But over the past few weeks, I've noticed a change... in me.
D & I have been friends for a while now, as I said earlier. We've joked on many occassions that I was going to leave K & run off with D. Some of our joking is a little risque, but it's all said in good fun with no serious intentions. Anyway, since D has taken such a strong liking to S, he & I have been spending a great deal of time on the phone nightly, joking with each other & talking about his growing affection for S. And a strange thing has happened... The more I learn about D, the more he reminds me of my husband, K - whom I ADORE. They really seem to be 2 sides of the same coin. And these "coins" are few & far between. The problem of it all is this - I find myself becoming more and more attracted to D.
I don't want to interrupt his pursuit of S - far from it! I want that relationship to bloom more than ever. And I certainly don't have any intentions of ending my 13 year marriage to K - I desperately love him!. I just find myself more & more frequently thinking of D. I don't want to sleep with him... I could NEVER NEVER NEVER do that so long as K was alive & in my life. But more & more I find myself fantasizing about what I DO want from D. Which is essentially a fling on the side...be it a non-intercourse type of fling. Does such a thing even exist???? (Hypothetical question - I'm not really looking for an answer to that.)
Aside from the fact that I've never been physically attracted to any other man since marrying K, I don't know what's missing in my life that I've allowed my feelings to develop to this point. I dare not tell D how I feel - he's as honest & trustworthy as the day is long, but that kind of revelation would definately put the brakes on our late night phone calls & flirting - which I really feel I can't live without right now.
I obviously can't tell K about this - he worships me & would not only immediately want to lash out at D, but the admission that I physically want another man would crush him.
I can't talk to S about this, because I truly believe that she's beginning to develop feelings for D & it would jepordize not only their budding romance, but our 27 year friendship. (We've never competed for the same man in the past & shouldn't start now.)
I can't talk to any of my other friends about this, because they all know the other parties involved.
I'm at my wit's end here. I'm am truly, honestly, completely happy in my marriage - I couldn't ask for a better husband, friend or lover. Something has happened to me in the past few weeks though that has convinced me I need: more. A rendezvous, a tryst, a clandestine relationship with someone other than the love of my life. I don't know why I feel this way or what I can do about it.
Mid-life crisis? I think I'm a little young for that (34 in March 05), but then I got married early.
Mental breakdown? That'd be an easy explanation as to why I suddenly am considering what would surely be an excruciating ordeal for at least 4 people that I care deeply about, but I'm pretty sure I'm not cracking up.
Adverse reaction to food additives? Nah, I'm not really a conspiracy theorists, so that doesn't work for me, either.
I don't know what the answer is.... I'm just hoping that by spilling my guts here, in the anonymity of the Internet, maybe one of you has dealt with the same thing. And can advise me from the other side of it.
Thank you if you've taken the time to read through my rambling. I appreciate your effort and anticipate any advice you can offer.

 

[indra]

Maybe this sound hokey, but since "D" remind you so much of "K" (your hubby, right?), perhaps what you are looking for is a chance to revisit the heady days when your romance was new. Maybe you should consider ways to try to recapture some of that with your husband...maybe extra special "dates" or even a weekend getaway if you can manage that. Might be something to think about...and it could be great fun too.

 

[BluRmGrl]

indra, doesn't sound hokey at all. i've even considered that... thought that maybe what I needed was to shake up the "relations" part of mine & K's marriage. I've, ummm, made some simple cosmetic changes (things you can do at home, kids, without the need for anesthesia or lengthy insurance forms!) and have definately kicked up the "occurrence" rate. Not to mention the way I go about requesting these more frequent groupings.
This is one thing that I feel SOOOOOO much guilt about right now - after several 12am/1am phone calls with D, I'm so wound up, I go to bed, wake up K & make his evening. He has NO idea how I got into that state, he's just enjoying the benefits. And obviously, I can't tell him the truth. I mean, I'm not fantasizing about D while I'm with K!!! But talking to D certainly gets my motor running these days...

I'm telling you - this is making me crazy, if I'm not already certifiable. Maybe that "woman's peak" that poor K's been waiting for all these years is finally here & the uncustomary rush of hormones is turning me into a complete whore-dog????

 

[For Honor]

novelty is always easier to be attracted to than something your used to, even if you love it.

I would sort of consider this natural.

I think most people would have been in an affair by now, judging by the way you like this "D".


that being said, there are obviosly some key differences between your husband and "D"


for instance, why isn't "K" flirting with you in the late hours of the night? I think you should look into that. Just let him know somehow or something- but I understand that the natural flow of events, and, dare I say the "dangerous" and "wrongness" of "D"s conversation are a whole other aspect.

One thing, make sure you get enough time away from your spouse so that you can fulll appreciate him- a painting can be view from far away and up close, but not at the same time. And the best woks of art can satisfy both.

I wouldn't be too concerned about this, because I've seen it happen a lot. But it's up to you to COMMUNICATE with your spouse about things like this.


I think it's very important (unless you want to be swingers......... an option, I suppose.....). is that you let your spouse know what's going on with you.

If you want more action, or if you're horny, I'm sure he'd want to assist you in any way.


Now this is something I've heard, but it sounds like it could apply here- love doesn't stay the same, if done properly, it will age and grow over time. So maybe you are looking for the flair from earlier years with your "K" relationship.

BUt don't expect the same thiiing.
You can, though, find something new and different, though it's with a person you've known for a while.
I think for anything,especielally a relationship, but even in businiess, you must change with the times.

If you stand still and relax, you decay.

You've always got to be looking for new ideas and new ways, and you can never let go of the pursuite of being the best.


If you loose that drive, then competition will of course come in and compete for the top spot.



Maybe you could try some sort of mutual stimulation, something you could share with "K". Or maybe you should tell him
how your feeling and that you (going out on a limb here, just guessing/freelancing- no offense or anything).

Just tell him that your feeling pretty horny and that he should start making more advences, and myabe that you just want a good banging.


I don't know, I'm just speculating here.



however, I am really interested in this, because I've seen it happen before, and when I get married, i know this is going to come up one way or another, with me or my spouse, so I'd like to learn about this situation as much as possible. I know it sort of sounds odd, but I want to learn about how to create a great realtionship, because that's what I desire to have with a wife someday. So, keep me posted with all this. I'll check in often.
Sincerely.

Hope it all works out though.
Good Luck

 

[For Honor]

and also, you've got to consider what matters most.

Is it about you, and sex, and being turned on?
or is it about family and marriage and fideliety?


I know that's harsher, but I like Dr. Phil too much to leave that out.


Seriously, though, go judge all things by your vaules.
If "D" talks aren't hurting anyone, maybe that's okay.

But if it does become something, it's your fault. It's your ass, even if that's what's getting pounded.

And lastly, to finish out this harsher post- you can't have everything. You always have to make sacrifices, especially for marriage, I would assume. But you have to go by your vaules. Is love important?

Logically, what are the pros and cons of both sides?


ANd if it really is a hormone thing, or your just rather randy, then your husband should be abel to accomidate you some how. Y'all just need to find a way for him, or something involving him, to

"get your moter running".



Seriously, though, I want to see how this goes.
I want to see examples as to how to keep a woman happy.
And really, it's not about woman or men, but humans in general- the strife of being in a commited relationship, and dealing with the bumps in the road. It's always been intriguing to me.

 

[starsgoblue]

BluRmGirl

I can't give you much advice for marriage stuff...since I am not married myself. But I do remember when I was in a long term relationship with my ex...I remember getting a harmless crush on someone. It was a crush that I never wanted to take farther than that...but I think it was just because I was with my boyfriend for YEARS and this person was new and different and I seemed to be excited about learning all the ins and out of this other person. I'm sure that's all that is it hon, a rush like that. I know that you love your hubby....Try not to worry too much about it, chica.

 

[joerags]

Go with your instincts. Don't live with any regret. It sounds like you really want D. So dump K, forget S, and go with D.

BTW, one of my favorite movies is "Unfaithful."

 

[starsforu2]

It's simple really. You want something that you are not supposed to have. Don't overanalyze the why's if all that you say about your husband is true. It's selfish to get into that kind of relationship with D. You must always reverse the situation to appreciate how wrong the situation is. Imagine that it were "K" who had found himself in this situation. You would be hurt.
My advice in a nutshell: Move D over to your friend S and stop getting in the middle of it. They should be developing a relationship, not you. Don't tell anyone about what you've been through. It will only make things worse. You say that you can't live without it? That's a lie. It might be pleasurable but just imagine the fallout. You can continue to allow it escalate and it gets messier, or you do have that fling and you get caught. Or maybe you don't get caught... It's no secret that a liar doesn't believe anyone else. Trust will be broken and don't think that you will never suspect your husband of doing things that you are now considering.
Is a good marriage worth nothing to you? I don't know you, but if you don't snap out of it, you are putting a number of people in jeopardy. Do you have kids? Are you thinking about them?

You already made a mistake by getting too close to a man other than your husband, don't compound it by acting on your lust. In the future, be more careful or you will find yourself in this position again. Wouldn't you feel jealous if you were husband were talking to a female co-worker at 12 or 1 AM.

I hope that you do the right thing in this situation.

 

[BluRmGrl]

Thanks for your insights so far... I really appreciate them. And I probably need to clarify some things.

Not that it makes any difference, but there are no children and won't be any. I'm unlikely to ever concieve. (Which I DO NOT see as an opportunity to be promiscuous! "Unlikely" does not mean "can't" & I'm smart enough to realize that!)

The reason D & I talk so late in the evening isn't so we can hide from K. It's because: 1) D's cell minutes are free after 9pm; 2) K & I usually don't get home from our second job until at least 9 - 9:30pm; 3) K's job requires him to be in early, so he goes to bed by 11pm; 4) D's usually on the phone with S until 10:30 or so, and 5) D & I are night owls. K knows that we talk each night - I'm usually on the phone w/D when K goes to bed.
That being said, I should reiterate that this IS NOT about sex w/D... I don't want that. I would never - could never - sleep with another man so long as K is my husband.

Maybe it's the attention from D that I'm craving. Which doesn't make any sense, because by & large K is SUPER attentive to me. His purpose for living is to give me what I want. What I can't figure out - what terrifies me - is why this isn't enough for me now.

I am so aware of how awful this could become... which is why I had to bring the problem here. I don't dare let any of my local friends or K know what's going on! I don't want to wreck my marriage - and I don't believe D would let me. After all, K's HIS friend too & D takes that relationship very seriously.

I know what I have to do. Unless I can get the OK from my husband - which I can't conceive, because it would mean I'd have to confess my feelings for another man & that would just be a disaster - unless I could get the go ahead from K, I have to put this whole episode out of my mind. Which I've been trying to do without any success.

I keep coming back to this need to hear the encouragement and compliments that D provides. It's a sick little game, really - and I know it. Problem is, I don't want to stop it right now. I think what I want, for my own twisted little self image, is to see if I can woo D into compromising himself... Am I exciting and challenging and attractive enough to make him want to break K's trust?

It's sick and I know it. If I succeed, maybe we'd get away with it & maybe we wouldn't. If we did, the guilt would probably eat me alive. If we didn't, several friendships and most likely a damn good marriage would be ruined... I KNOW it's too much to risk, but so help me God, I can't help playing with the fire. Maybe I need to just spill my guts to D so he can do what I can't or won't right now - cut off all unneccessary contact/conversations with me.

Damnit! - I abhor, detest, and otherwise can't stand drama!!! Don't need it in my life, don't want it. My life is boring & commonplace & I'm at peace with that. So help me, I don't conciously believe this is about getting attention - I've lived my entire life in the shadows and that's fine with me. Really.
Why this sudden need for the forbidden? Why would I even entertain the thought? That's the troubling thing for me - more than would I do anything if given the chance? - Why am I trying to MAKE it happen??????
What an absolute basket-case/whore I must seem. Maybe I don't need confession so much as medication & a pysche evaluation.

 

[starsgoblue]

BluRm...you aren't a basketcase and you aren't a whore either. You just sound like you've got a lot of conflicting thoughts right now is all and there is something going on in your life that's causing this (whether it is truly D or something else I don't know), that doesn't make you a bad person. I can't tell you exactly what to do but you are always welcome to email me or whatever if you need to talk, k?

 

[Angela Harlem]

You only love in D (is this right?), what you already love in your husband.
It's natural, I spose, and normal, and certainly nothing to worry about if your feelings toward your hub haven't changed. You're loving the similarities and are comfortable with your friendship with D so it makes sense in a way - as long as you dont let anything undo everything that is good and important in your life. It's great that you are helping your friend find a man who sounds as great as your hub. Your hub - the guy you found first and had all these qualities first.
Dont sweat it

 

[starsforu2]

There is nothing unnatural about your affinity for D and I don't think you need to run off and find the secret reason as to why you would even consider D. I don't think your intentions were evil or selfish or that you were searching for something that was missing. You have gotten yourself into this pickle by just getting to close to someone who is by all accounts just the kind of person that draws you in. So establishing that this isn't a crying out for unfulfilled love, or a solution to a problem, you have to look at it as extracurricular and not lifeblood kind of stuff.
Because you and D flirt and because of the situation, you opened yourselves up and that is where your problem lies. You took a friendship and went deeper with it than you are supposed to go with it. We can always fall in love again with different people, but that's the whole reason why we marry. To create a team against the world, to protect one another, to nurture one another and help each other grow. Friendship and love and sex are all ingredients that make it worthwhile. But because we make that promise, we must protect the relationship above our own needs, particularly when your partner is doing his job. It's unfair for you to elevate yourself over the relationship.

If you toss this back onto D's lap, I hope that you are certain that he is going to be the adult and back away. If not, all you will be doing is transferring the responsibility to someone else. It's possible that D (although enjoying the conversations) may not realize how much it's affecting you. You may only serve to encourage him, which would be bad. Then you will have to back away as he is pursuing you, which will make it even harder.

I want to reiterate that I don't think that you are a basketcase / whore. From the sound of it you are normal, you just happened to get too close to the fire before realizing how delicious it is. If you continue to run towards various fires, then we can begin to talk about whether you're a basketcase / whore
I would say that it might be time to get away for a few days with your husband alone and just enjoy some thing. Go somewhere that will keep your mind off those things. And begin to cut off D's conversations.
I commend you for seeking help, even if it's just a bunch of strange U2 fans. Any of us could find ourselves in this situation, so we aren't speaking from a position of strength. We are speaking from a position that understands the absolute temptation of someone loving us for us. The warning for any who choose to heed it, is to be careful about the relationships that we cultivate on the side of our marriage. Men & Women can't be really close outside of a relationship. It just doesn't work, eventually feelings can turn like yours have and often do, regardless of what the other person looks like. If you were to continue on for a little bit longer, you will make it harder to pull away for both of you. Think of every laugh as a stitch that you sowing into the both of you, eventually you will have to undo all those stitches that started from your fingers up toward your wrist, up your arms and before long you will be stitched face to face having to confront the new reality.
Good luck!

 

[BluRmGrl]

starsforu2 - THANK YOU! you have made so many great points - and you've been dead on with each of them. I have been rather selfish the last few weeks - concerned only with what's been going on in my head, instead of looking at the bigger picture of what if I followed through.

It is very intoxicating to be sincerely told how wonderful you are...especially when it comes from somewhere unexpected (i.e. other than a spouse or family member). I have a lot of self-doubt right now due to problems at my job and I think now what I've done is taken D's reassurances and his playfulness and let them mushroom in my mind to epic proportions.

It's very reassuring to me to know that my attraction to D is understandable since he's so similar to K. But your comment that I can't hold myself above the marriage that K & I have built is sobering. Thank you for saying it & saying it so well.

And rebecca (starsgoblue) - funny, the "stars" suddenly hold infinite wisdom for me! - rebecca, my dear You're such a sweetheart for offering your ear for me to bend it. I don't think I'll need to take you up on that for the time being, but the offer means more to me than I can tell you.

Thank you both SOOOO much! I should have brought this problem to the Interference table 3 weeks ago instead of wrestling with it alone all this time. Two days after posting & I've already got a better grip on the thing than at anytime since about Thanksgiving. You guys are the greatest & if it's worth anything at all, you have my undying gratitude!!!

I'll keep you updated with how my "weaning process" goes.

 

[starsforu2]

I'm so happy for you!

Had there been some red flags in your marriage, I might've given different advice. From the sound of it, you have what the rest of us are looking for and it would be tragic for you to blow it when you're marriage sounds so right.
Had you been dating and not married, my advice would have been different. Your interest in someone else might have been an indication of something lacking in your boyfriend and not so much a selfish desire on your part.
A 13 year marriage that is admittedly good takes the spotlight off of your husband and puts it on you.
Good Job Starsgoblue! I'm glad that we could be of help on this one. If you had such great success on here, maybe I should confess something that I need help with!

maybe tomorrow...

Keep us in the loop if you need help. I'll go ahead and subscribe to this thread so I don't forget it in the future. Good luck!

 

[starsgoblue]

BluRmGirl

Tim

 

[u2bonogirl]

awww....that is such a predicament
honey, I know about predicaments lately. trust me.
I feel for you. I really hope everything works out in the end. we are driven by our need for love and reassurance. well that and carnal desire
have you tried making things a little interesting with your hubby? like throwing on a dirty nurses outfit and teasing him a little?
ack, bad advice, bad advice
sorry
Im praying for you

 

[For Honor]

It is very intoxicating to be sincerely told how wonderful you are...especially when it comes from somewhere unexpected (i.e. other than a spouse or family member). I have a lot of self-doubt right now due to problems at my job and I think now what I've done is taken D's reassurances and his playfulness and let them mushroom in my mind to epic proportions.

It's very reassuring to me to know that my attraction to D is understandable since he's so similar to K. But your comment that I can't hold myself above the marriage that K & I have built is sobering.

It's important that you found (or are looking into) the real reason why you are so "infatuated" with "D" - So there is some stress from work?


I'm glad that you found some people who could help you through this. The "Stars" did have some good advice- about marriage and your vaules. They did a good job of putting things in perspective.



I don't think I have anything more to say, except in regards to your husband. It's evident that you really care about him, and that you appreciate that he cares for you. But don't let that hinder you, or impede you from asking and being upfront about your needs. (going out on a limb), Like, if you don't get to spend enough time with him because you stay up late and he goes to be early, don't be afaid to bring that up. I'm saying this just because I've known some who are too afraid to speak up in fear of their partner thinking themselves to not be doing a good enough job- they don't want their partner to feel guilty. But consider too that your partner wants to be the best for you, and is willing to learn how to be that.

But men aren't mind readers- I'm not, I gaurentee it.

So my only advice is don't be afraid to talk about- whether it be work itself, or how work makes you feel, or how maybe you would like to spend more time with your husband.



Or maybe the stress from work has warped you into being overly sensative and in need of compliments, etc.



But just to keep going what has already been said by everyone,

It's not always a good sign when someone seeks comfort from things outside of their home. (and especially in marriage, I would think it would be best to do as many things as possible through your spouse)


I hope when I get married, though, I can have a similar situation, because it does sound like you and your husband get along well.

but that's the whole reason why we marry. To create a team against the world, to protect one another, to nurture one another and help each other grow.

Well said. (That's what I'm looking for when I get married)

Friendship and love and sex are all ingredients that make it worthwhile. But because we make that promise, we must protect the relationship above our own needs, particularly when your partner is doing his job. It's unfair for you to elevate yourself over the relationship.

again, really well said, starsforu2

It's about the sarifice for the team, for the unity.... "one more, in the name of love..."
(sorry, that was just me thinking outloud....)


This is a really intersting topic, so I'm looking forward to see what happens and what everyone says.



And I hope things work out for you BluRmGrl.
good luck

 

[BluRmGrl]

Thank you all again, so much!! I'll let you know how things go over the next few days/weeks. Hopefully I can get my wits about me and start the New Year on the right track.
Changing jobs would be a good start......

You've all been great & I can't tell you what it means to me that you've cared enough to try & help a virtual stranger. I certainly couldn't have done this with my friends here without disastrous results.

 

[joerags]

BluRmGrl

Going with your instincts is good, but in this case, you have to really think about what your marriage means to you. You have to consider that you have been with this man for 13 years, and he has probably been a great guy for every single day, trying to make you happy and giving you happiness. It's different if that guy is a jerk and doesn't love you, but if he has been honest and trustworthy and caring, then don't blow a great thing because of a "Crush" or "Fling."

When you're in a long-term relationship, it's natural to feel like you want to try new things and meet new people. And most of the time, you will find someone who gets your juices flowing and rekindles that spark, and then the there is the temptation. Cheating isn't just common, it's very common. But the key is to try to resist those urges. When you are in a long term relationship, it becomes stagnant. The key is to spice it up and give it a boost. Suggest to your husband that maybe you two should go on a romantic cruise or vacation, just to rekindle the love and the sparks that you have for each other.

I have never been in a relationship. But if I were, I would NEVER, NEVER cheat. That is just wrong. Think about the hurt you will cause to that person. That is so wrong. I have morals and I would never forgive myself or live with myself if I ever cheated. The hurt and the pain you would cause to your spouse would be utterly devastating. Cheating is the lowest thing anybody could do to anybody.

I hope you would strongly consider what your marriage is all about. Even if your marriage isn't stagnant, keep on making it stronger and stronger, then you wouldn't have any thoughts about cheating.

 

[BluRmGrl]

Just wanted to update any of you that were still following along with my little saga.

Things are going MUCH better!!! I'm no longer losing my mind over D; instead, I've turned my focus to finding a new job! So far, so good - D & I still talk on a regular basis (he IS still a friend, after all!) but I'm no longer obssessing over him & I actually find that I'm enjoying our conversations MORE. Apparently, being able to talk with a friend without fighting immoral thoughts about them the whole time is a LOT easier than the way I was doing things!
And, I've got not one, but TWO, job interviews this Thursday. They may not develop, but it's a start.
I'm soo happy I had you guys to talk to before I opened my mouth to D & made a.complete.ASS. of myself! I mean, it seems weird that I should come to people I've never met with such a personal issue, but I swear, I think that was just what I needed. The benefit of your input without the disadvantage of any familiarity -- just as effective as counseling & at a fraction of the price!
Anyway, things are MUCH more sane with me now. I don't feel like I'm about to cause myself lose everything, i.e. my mind, my friends, my marriage, my whole style of living. I want to say once again how much I appreciate your help. If I can return a micro-fraction of the favor to someone else, it will have all been worth it!!!

 

[starsgoblue]

Love ya, BluRmGrl....I'm always here for you.....

 

[starsforu2]

Good to hear! But be aware that the temptation isn't far away. Try to stay clear of the line so you don't inadvertantly stumble over it again.
Take care and I'm happy for you!

 

[dandy]

good luck with the job interviews.

kudos to you for turning a potential life crisis into something positive.

 

[For Honor]

Hey, that's the spirit.

Now, keep the good news coming!


Best of luck to you in this new year