What do you do

[AtomicBono]

if you can't stop thinking about someone for like a year and a half? I mean literally, can't stop.

am I just totally insane or what?

 

[U2doggie]

We would need more info to officially declare you "insane"--(but I kinda doubt that you are!!!!)
So, let's hear it......

 

[AtomicBono]

eh well basically i've been in love with this guy for a long time, since last winter I guess (2005), and I wouldn't use the term "in love" loosely; I had a crush on him for over a year before that.

to make things more complicated, he's one of my best friends.

oh, and he's also been dating one of my other used-to-be-best-friends (we're still friends but not as close) for about three years.

I don't know how to get over it. I literally think about him all the time. I'm sure talking to him and seeing him like every week (he used to go my school but he graduated, but we usually see each other once a week, he's in my "band") doesn't exactly help. But I've tried talking to him much less and for the first semester of my junior year (this last school year) I barely saw him at all, and I was even more depressed and still thought about him all the time.

Has anyone felt like this before? Is there a way to deal with it? Excuse me for sounding emo as hell, but it's tearing me apart inside. Really. and I swear I love him. I mean I just want him to be happy and stuff.

 

[starsgoblue]

Often times in situations like this I've found because of the "what-if" element I have...for lack of a better word...obssesesed. I am not certain if that is that case with you but it can definetly be playing a part. I am not doubting your feelings for him but if you mean it when you say you just wish for his happiness it may be the most loving thing you can do by letting him be in his relationship that he has now. From what I've seen of you on here you're a great gal, vivacious, spirited, and clearly have excellent musical tastes wink: )---you deserve to have someone in your life that can see what we all do and will beat your door down to have the oppurtunity to love you.

 

[AtomicBono]

Often times in situations like this I've found because of the "what-if" element I have...for lack of a better word...obssesesed. I am not certain if that is that case with you but it can definetly be playing a part. I am not doubting your feelings for him but if you mean it when you say you just wish for his happiness it may be the most loving thing you can do by letting him be in his relationship that he has now. From what I've seen of you on here you're a great gal, vivacious, spirited, and clearly have excellent musical tastes wink: )---you deserve to have someone in your life that can see what we all do and will beat your door down to have the oppurtunity to love you.

thanks... i'm not so sure about all that. but i've got pretty low self-esteem. i've never dated anybody really so whatever.

see, if they were together happily maybe it wouldn't drive me so crazy. I guess a terrible part of me thinks I'd be better for him, because we have more in common, and they're always fighting and she throws chairs at him and stuff. and it just seems to stress him out. and whenever i ask him if it's worth it in the end the answer is "I don't know"

I don't know either.

 

[starsgoblue]

see, if they were together happily maybe it wouldn't drive me so crazy. I guess a terrible part of me thinks I'd be better for him, because we have more in common, and they're always fighting and she throws chairs at him and stuff. and it just seems to stress him out. and whenever i ask him if it's worth it in the end the answer is "I don't know"

I see. Well, her behavior is certainly immature to put it mildly. Have you tried disccussing this issue with him as you would a friend? Abuse is abuse, regardless of the sex of the person, and it seems like there is the possibility of this girl fitting the bill. If so, you also may have to understand if he does leave an abusive relationship he may not emotionally be in a postion to be able to immediatly begin a new one....would you feel comfortable with waiting for him?

 

[namkcuR]

Have you told him? If not, tell him. You don't want to run into him 10-20 years from now and find out that he liked/loved you too.

Just get some time with him alone, and tell him that you're in love with him. Who knows where that leads, but if you don't tell him, it'll eat you up inside.

 

[gareth brown]

i back the above post.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Completely agree with what namkcuR said. Was in that position before and to me it felt like torture. Went years without saying a word and watching him be interested in others. Was a huge relief for me when I finally just told him! When you feel the time is right and you can actually go through with it than I advise telling your friend.

Honestly hope everything works out for you And if you ever need anyone to talk to my ears are always open .

 

[neutral]

I have to agree with namkcuR as well. I was hung up like that over a guy friend in college. This went on for years and I also felt like I was going insane at times. He moved away... I finally got up the nerve to tell him at a party one night when he was visiting, thanks to some "liquid courage". He said he'd liked me back then too and wondered why I'd never mentioned it because he didn't think I'd been interested.

 

[starsgoblue]

If you do go ahead and do that I'd be careful about that girl coming after you with a chair.

 

[girlhappy]

Please, go and tell him. And save your life. I dont mean to sound pathetic but i have been there,still am in a way.See, before i got the chance to tell him, he disappeared. You know, i fell like i am chasing the ghost now. its not completely my fault, because it was extremly hard to talk to him openly.But still... if i knew whats coming next i would tell him for sure. I am still traped and cant walk out....because i didnt solve the problem. And im afraid i cant move on either. So, dont miss the opportunity...

 

[Liesje]

Tell him. But I'd tell him because between you and him, it's how you honestly feel. I mean, don't tell him in a way that implies he should immediately break it off with the other girl and go with you (even if this is true!). Just say you want to be completely honest about it. He can take it or leave it, but at least you'll have the peace of mind knowing you gave it a shot.

 

[AtomicBono]

Sorry I'm a bit late to reply, my internetz were broken.

Yeah, the thing about that. Um. Well, like a year and a half ago or so I told him I liked him, cuz at that point I'd had a crush on him for a while. I didn't tell him with the intention of getting in a relationship; I just wanted to get it off my chest. But we ended up talking about it a lot at first and he said something like "It's not like I wouldn't date you, I totally would, I think you're fantastic, but [his girlfriend] and I are so close I don't even know." aaand he was always complimenting me and outright saying "I'd totally bang you" and stuff like that (he's very forward with those sort of things, that's just the way he talks) He also felt really bad because I was all emo over it. But eventually I stopped bringing it up because I figured I wasn't going to get over it if I talked to him about it all the time.

Well, I haven't really mentioned it to him for over a year now, but if anything the feelings have just intensified. It's really driving me mad. I get insanely depressed if I don't talk to him for like a day. He's still with the same girlfriend, but they don't see each other a lot (once a week at most) and he told my other friend (his best friend and also one of my best friends) that he feels like they're drifting apart and that he straight up told her (his g/f) if he meets someone else and the feeling is mutual, he'd leave her. Now I assume if he liked me that way he'd say something, even if he thinks I'm over it (which I suppose would be a logical thing to think since I don't talk about it anymore). So I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. But it's still driving me crazy.

so...uh...anyone have any advice?

thanks for the comments and support, btw. I appreciate it a lot.

 

[namkcuR]

Sorry I'm a bit late to reply, my internetz were broken.

Yeah, the thing about that. Um. Well, like a year and a half ago or so I told him I liked him, cuz at that point I'd had a crush on him for a while. I didn't tell him with the intention of getting in a relationship; I just wanted to get it off my chest. But we ended up talking about it a lot at first and he said something like "It's not like I wouldn't date you, I totally would, I think you're fantastic, but [his girlfriend] and I are so close I don't even know." aaand he was always complimenting me and outright saying "I'd totally bang you" and stuff like that (he's very forward with those sort of things, that's just the way he talks) He also felt really bad because I was all emo over it. But eventually I stopped bringing it up because I figured I wasn't going to get over it if I talked to him about it all the time.

Well, I haven't really mentioned it to him for over a year now, but if anything the feelings have just intensified. It's really driving me mad. I get insanely depressed if I don't talk to him for like a day. He's still with the same girlfriend, but they don't see each other a lot (once a week at most) and he told my other friend (his best friend and also one of my best friends) that he feels like they're drifting apart and that he straight up told her (his g/f) if he meets someone else and the feeling is mutual, he'd leave her. Now I assume if he liked me that way he'd say something, even if he thinks I'm over it (which I suppose would be a logical thing to think since I don't talk about it anymore). So I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. But it's still driving me crazy.

so...uh...anyone have any advice?

thanks for the comments and support, btw. I appreciate it a lot.

I stand by what I said. Tell him.

Telling someone 'I like you, I have a crush on you', and telling someone 'I'm in love - for real in love - with you' is another.

 

[namkcuR]

I suddenly feel the need to elaborate...I hope I didn't come across blunt or anything.

Telling someone 'I like you' different connotations than telling them 'I love you like that' because - imo anyway - there is a world of difference between 'I think you're cute and I like you too' and 'I love you, and I can't stop thinking about you, and it hurts too much to keep it in anymore'.

It just sounds like, whatever you told him before, didn't get the full point across, either because you intentionally didn't put the full point across, or because your feelings weren't as strong at the time.

 

[AtomicBono]

no namkcuR, I don't think you were too blunt. I understood what you meant, and I agree. There is a huge difference between having a crush on someone and being in love.

At the time when I told him I definitely really liked him but I wasn't in love with him. In many ways I was still getting to know him. Actually I think in a way it brought us much closer together and he didn't make it weird or anything. But I'm still worried that if I tell him now it might make things awkward. It wouldn't drive him away or anything, I don't think. We're really close and he was really understanding and sweet when I told him I liked him. But I'm just paranoid of fucking things up I guess, and I'm not sure if telling him will accomplish anything good.

Well I'm off to visit colleges, be back in a week. That's another thing, I'm going off to college in a year and I'm likely not going any place in state, even... if I were actually in a relationship with this guy I'd consider sticking around just because I love him so much, but I'm not, and I have to let go eventually, right? If I stick around here I'll never get over it. But I'm sort of paranoid that even if I go away I'll still never get over it. I don't want to be in love with someone I can't have my whole life. Ah well.

 

[namkcuR]

I hope I'm not getting repetetive, but I'll say it again: Tell him. I really think you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't. And the window for any possible relationship with him won't be open forever. In fact, it'll probably close as soon as you go off to college. If you go to college, then say, after you've been in college for a year or two, you visit home, you see this guy, and you let it slip that you were/are in love with him. At that point in time, he may well say something along the lines of, 'if you had told me this two/three years ago...'. If the guy is as understanding as you say he is, your friendship won't be destroyed just because you tell him. The worst thing that can happen is that he doesn't return your feelings in which case you feel like shit for a while but hopefully the friendship remains in tact. Then at least you'll know. But if you never tell him, you'll never know, and that could be a regret that you carry with you for a long time.

 

[Bono's shades]

I don't think you should change your college plans because of a guy even if you are in a romantic relationship with him, let alone in a platonic-but-I-wish-it-were-romantic relationship. If this guy really wanted to be with you, he would be with you, not this other girl. I mean, it's not like he has absolutely no idea you have feelings for him.

I think the best thing you can do is stop eating your heart out, go off to college and live your life. Write and e-mail this guy while you are away, by all means. If the friendship is really secure, it will survive the two of you not being in the same state.

 

[namkcuR]

I don't think you should change your college plans because of a guy even if you are in a romantic relationship with him, let alone in a platonic-but-I-wish-it-were-romantic relationship. If this guy really wanted to be with you, he would be with you, not this other girl. I mean, it's not like he has absolutely no idea you have feelings for him.

I think the best thing you can do is stop eating your heart out, go off to college and live your life. Write and e-mail this guy while you are away, by all means. If the friendship is really secure, it will survive the two of you not being in the same state.

See, we disagree.

I stick to what I've been saying all along: Tell him or I think you'll live to regret it.

 

[Bono's shades]

But the way I see it is your telling this guy you're in love with him with the way things stand now is just going to make the situation more complicated and messy. Technically he's still with this other girl. And even though the mutual friend says he told the girlfriend he'd leave her if he found someone else, it's just hearsay (my bullshit meter is going off here big time - it seems like a strange thing to do. If it's really over, why doesn't he just break it off right now rather than waiting for another girl to enter the picture?)

Maybe you should try talking to him about how things are going with this girl. If she's still throwing chairs and stuff, this isn't a healthy relationship for him in any case, and as a friend you wouldn't be out of line pointing that out to him. But don't tell him about your feelings until he has made a clean break from her. And if he doesn't - well, you might be better off forgetting about him as a romantic prospect. And if you are going away to college in a year, that will help you get over him.

 

[namkcuR]

Again, I disagree.

First of all, making the situation more complicated is inevitable. Love is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Keeping feelings like these to yourself just to 'keep the peace' is unhealthy sometimes.

I also don't agree about not telling him until he makes a clean break from her. What if what the mutual friend said was true? What if he's waiting for someone else to come along, what if that's the thing that's gonna make him cut if off? If you tell him, maybe he gives it a shot with you, maybe he stays with her, either way, at least now he knows. If he says no, you don't get to be together, but you don't get to be together if you keep quiet either. If you don't tell him, you're just staying quiet and you'll NEVER know if he would've ever reciprocated your feelings.

This is cliche - tell him how you feel because then, regardless of what he says, you'll know where he stands, and you won't run the risk of running into him in ten years and only finding out that he had even a little interest in being with you when it's too late.

 

[gareth brown]

Just tell him soon before someone else comes and frees him from this relationship before you. You'll probably regret it for the rest of your life and go through the following months feeling like complete and utter shit. The door's not going to be open forever.

 

[cell]

^what he said.

 

[namkcuR]

^what he said.

Which is what I've been saying for the whole thread.

 

[AtomicBono]

Maybe you should try talking to him about how things are going with this girl. If she's still throwing chairs and stuff, this isn't a healthy relationship for him in any case, and as a friend you wouldn't be out of line pointing that out to him. But don't tell him about your feelings until he has made a clean break from her. And if he doesn't - well, you might be better off forgetting about him as a romantic prospect. And if you are going away to college in a year, that will help you get over him.

No, to my knowledge she's not still throwing chairs at him, that was sort of a one time thing (and then there was the time she locked him in a room...), but she's like going to counseling or something. They still fight sometimes (I really don't know how much since I don't see them together hardly anymore), but I don't think it's physical, so it's not so bad, I guess.

They have a really weird relationship, neither my friends nor I really completely get it, and when I ask about it, he (the guy) doesn't seem to get it either but I think ultimately they really love each other, so that keeps them together despite the constant bickering and the fact that they don't see each other as much. I know they make each other happy sometimes, at least. I think it's sort of a With or Without You thing.

I don't think I'm going to have a relationship with him. If I told him I really loved him, it's not like I'd expect him to break up with his girlfriend. Sometimes I don't even know if he'd care at all. Like, I wonder if he'd even give a fuck that I've been going fucking insane for the last year and a half.

Yeah, I guess if I'm real lucky and get into the program I want to I'll go off to New York in a year and then instead of being in love and near him I'll be in love and far away from him. Joy

I'm sorry. I'm nuts, I really am.