What about being friends after breaking up?

[scatteroflight]

I'd just be interested to hear some opinions on this subject. From my own fairly limited personal experience, and from observing the experiences of people I know, I've kind of come to the conclusion (reluctantly, because I think losing a friend under any circumstances is a terrible thing) that it nearly always doesn't work out too well. If people try to be friends again, it usually seems to kind of limp along for a bit and then eventually just die, either a natural death or violently, and often making things worse for one or both people along the way. But of course the different circumstances have got a lot to do with how this goes. In my case, due to the circumstances my ex and I have a lot of mutual friends and we have usually been in the same room at least twice a week since immediately after we broke up. Which I think is just terrible for your mental health (mine at least) and for any prospects of a renewed friendship. I think for it to be a realistic possibility you have to be able to take a good, long, and complete break from each other right afterward. I tend to think that it's only really possible if you can take that long break and not have much any contact for some time so that you can heal up, or if you're both just really good at detaching and it was an entirely amicable split, or if neither of you really felt all that strongly about the other.

Any thoughts or experiences?

 

[the soul waits]

Speaking out of my own experiences, I agree with you when you say it's best to have a long long break from eachother before trying to get along as friends, and even then, I think you shouldn't see too much of eachother.
A few times, friendship was downright impossible because of what caused the breakup, but I have 3 exes I'm good friends with. We don't have mutual friends though so we don't accidentally run into eachother - when we meet, it's planned, like a dinner or a few drinks. It doesn't happen often though and I'm not nearly as open to them as I am with my "just friends"-friends.

 

[dandy]

tough call.

it's different for everyone, really. for me, my exes for some reason always push for us to stay friends, but i've severed contact with every one of them. i agree that a person needs time and space to heal, and for me that meant completely cutting off communication. and i've found that after i've healed from the relationship, i really don't have anything left to say to them. not to downplay the importance they once held in my life, but the relationships failed for good reasons. it's hard to build a friendship on top of ruins. i wish them well, and hope they live happy and full lives--i just have no desire to be a part of it. not everyone feels the same way, but for me, when it's over, it's over. i don't look back.

i've been lucky in the sense that many of relationships had an element of long distance to them, so when the break ups happened, i had my own space--my own city, my own friends, my own life to carry me through. it must be so hard to be in the same city, the same circle of friends, always the chance of seeing your ex at any random moment. hard to maintain that distance when the person is constantly there.

take care of yourself.

 

[Bonochick]

For it to work, both people have to be TRULY cool with how things are. That's often not the case.

 

[Diemen]

Speaking from experience, it's extremely hard to maintain a friendship after the end of a relationship, unless it's an extremely casual (hang out every once in a blue moon) friendship or, like BC said, both parties are honestly cool with the relationship ending. I've got one shining example of how friendship after a relationship is doomed if both parties aren't cool with how the relationship ended, but I've also got a shining example of how a friendship can continue after a breakup that was arrived at mutually.

But arriving at the breakup mutually and without any ill will towards the other is key to maintaining the friendship afterwards. And like you said it does help to have a nice period of time away from the other person to sort out any mixed emotions.

 

[starsgoblue]

Speaking out of my own experiences, I agree with you when you say it's best to have a long long break from eachother before trying to get along as friends

Yes. It's too easy to be 'overly familiar' otherwise and that just leads into major heartache and frustration and jepordizes any chance of friendship.

 

[youtooellen]

apparently with all of my relationships, i was the one that was making the moves to become friends again, and the other of the relationship just kinda... kept to themselves..

it makes me really sad though because all of the relationships i had were with a very close guy friend. and i ended up losing 50% of those friendships, and 30% i still talk to but not AS close, and the remaining 20% is just mutual. we just say hi and thats it.

For it to work, both people have to be TRULY cool with how things are. That's often not the case.

out of my experience, ^that is the thing i learned.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

No I would say it's impossible. There would have to have been a major reason why you split, so for there to then be a friendship, no. In my case, my ex-hubby even left the country, our city was too small for both of us!

 

[Headache in a Suitcase]

never the same... you can be cordial, but the same? nope...

one girl who i wasn't really going out with but we kinda were... aka friends with big time benefits... i still get along with even though she's going out with someone now. don't talk to her as often, but still get along.

another girl who i was going out with... serious... not only were we going out, but she had been one of the best friends i ever had even before we started going out. haven't talked to her in about 2 years. there was no being friends there.

it'll never be the same, but i guess it depends on how serious you were, how it ended, etc. etc. on wether or not you can stay friendly with each other afterwords.

 

[u2bonogirl]

I think it worked twice for me, but in both cases we were friends first, then dated, then realized it sucked and went back to being friends
In both cases as well, we never slept together
I could never sleep with somebody and then be friends afterwards...it just doesnt work
I also think that if you get together with another person (in a serious relationship) its kind of your responsibility to not be friends with somebody youve been intimate with, whether emotional or physical, because you would be robbing something from the person youre with.
Thats something I learned from my fiance and I really think he's right

 

[Diemen]

I also think that if you get together with another person (in a serious relationship) its kind of your responsibility to not be friends with somebody youve been intimate with, whether emotional or physical, because you would be robbing something from the person youre with.

I disagree. As long as you are just strictly friends with the person you were at one time intimate with (aka, absolutely no thoughts of getting back together), and your friend feels the same way, then I see absolutely no problem with being friends with someone you were once intimate with. You're robbing nothing from your current partner.

I have a friend now who I dated for a little while, and was intimate with, and now she's had a serious boyfriend for a about a year and a half, but we still hang out and talk pretty often, with no adverse effects on her relationship with her boyfriend. I have no thoughts of getting back together with her, she has no thoughts of getting back together with me - we've both moved on. If both people are mature about it, there should be no problem.

Now if you haven't completely let go of the emotional and physical attachment you once had, or your friend hasn't, then yes, it's a good idea to break off the friendship, at least for a while, so it doesn't interfere with your current relationship.

 

[scatteroflight]

Thanks guys...The consensus seems to be that there is no consensus, but that overall, in general, it's not so likely to work out really well. In a way it makes me feel a little better. I had some people tell me "oh yes, you can definitely be friends again" and others say "oh no, no way." So I figured i just had to figure it out myself depending on my own feelings...but over the past year I seesawed a lot between never wanting to have anything to do with him again (the breakup wasn't poisonous, but "amicable" wouldn't be accurate, considering how things played out) and wanting to be friends again. I think we're going to end up as semi indifferent acquaintances. Never being able to take a proper break didn't help...and the fact is, as Dandy said, rebuilding a friendship on the ruins of a relationship is far from ideal. You find out new things about a person when you get together and if it falls apart probably some of the things you found out were not good. Starsgoblue said something about being "overly familiar"...I'm not sure if that's exactly how I'd describe it but he did try harder to be friendly at the start, even said things like "nothing has really change, now we just go back to how we were before" which unfortunately is not only unrealistic, but also made me feel like it was no big deal for him if he could say something like that. Even if it wasn't meant that way....But I also relate to the thing about just being sad because I lost a friend...we had a really good friendship before this and possibly we still would, but at best, when I'm around him or we have to even make small talk, I feel uncomfortable, and at worst, I feel more or less upset. But I guess it's the risk you take when you get together with a friend. Even saying things at the outset like "whatever happens we have to remain friends" really makes absolutely no difference in the long run, if things don't go well.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i think it can happen. i'm friends with my ex. there's no weirdness.

 

[Vorsprung]

my ex is one of my best friends now....but yes, after quite a long break (2,5 years)

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Well, by the criteria mentioned before, I guess I sort of get to be an exception to the rule... both of the young ladies I was dating but am no longer, lived outside of the city I live in, and weren't friends with my friends... so, I never really had any obligation to see them once we broke up, and never had to deal with them associating closely with my friends and causing any awkwardness that way... So I got a nice long break from both of them. However, it is 'casual' at best, as diemen said... One of them I talk to, at best, twice a year. The other one I talk to all the time, but never really see. Of course, I'd like that to be different, but you know.

No matter, I guess. *shrug*

 

[Mr. BAW]

I have only one "ex" who I can call any time as a friend...coincidentally, she went to school with BAW even before I knew her...this "ex" would eventually come to our home, babysit the boys and she's still available by phone if we ever had to talk....she's the only good "ex" I've ever had or need....

At one point, the three of us worked together as well, this when BAW and I were dating, she was there as an investigator...it all worked out well....ps..she was the only one of my ex's that DMP approved of...

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

My most recent ex is one of my best friends now. Oddly enough, I'm even going to live with him for the month of June (it's a long story...).

He was a good friend before we dated, too, though we went through a lousy time for a few months after we broke up when I thought we'd never talk again. It took me awhile to realize that we really were better as friends than as a couple, and I resented him thinking he knew what was best for me.

In every situation, I think you just have to let things happen naturally. I have a bad habit of wanting to analyze everything and know exactly where I stand with someone, and going through this breakup taught me so much of why that's a bad thing. If you spent enough time together, and you grew enough together, you might be able to hang on to a friendship, but it definitely takes some work.

 

[Sweet Tart]

even though i tried with both of my exes it didn't work out with either. my first bf i can still be nice to and chat with but i haven't seen him in years. my last ex....well too much water has gone under the bridge so to speak for us ever to be friends again and i think it would be quite some time before i could even consider being so much as nice to him. but that's life.

i would never suggest that someone not try because i'm sure that in certain circumstances it can work. good luck.

 

[roy keane]

Nothing after ex

 

[Mr. BAW]

I have only one "ex" who I can call any time as a friend...coincidentally, she went to school with BAW even before I knew her...this "ex" would eventually come to our home, babysit the boys and she's still available by phone if we ever had to talk....she's the only good "ex" I've ever had or need....

At one point, the three of us worked together as well, this when BAW and I were dating, she was there as an investigator...it all worked out well....ps..she was the only one of my ex's that DMP approved of...

Now one of the one's that neither she nor I approve of....my high school has its own website, similar to that of Classmates..its free, etc. Earlier this year, I saw a post from a former flame that I dated during those years far out of high school...anyway, she sent an email with some wishy-washy information, nothing earthshattering, just an update on her life, her two kids and her job...

Today, I got TWO emails with pic's of her kids...(none look like me!) and her grandchildren....Now where is this coming from??? I had not emailed her other than saying 'nice to hear from you' but I sure didn't say 'write anytime'....I guess I should consider a block but that seems so in your face...

 

[matt76]

For it to work, both people have to be TRULY cool with how things are. That's often not the case.

This is the key point and I absolutely agree with it

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

In my experience, remaining "friends" has meant "Hey, we still can have sex, right?" Ug, men. While I love my ex to death, it has always been difficult to hang out with him and there not be tension between us. Can we ever be friends in a "normal" sense? Probably not. I guess it just depends on how intense the relationship was. I have other exes that I'm cool with.

 

[scatteroflight]

Some interesting comments guys...actually, if anyone wants to comment just a bit more, how about this? Do you think it's a lot more likely that the person who breaks it off will want to continue being friends, than the person who got dumped? In my case, I was the dumpee and he was the dumper, and he really strongly expressed the wish to continue being friends...and I thought that was how I felt about things too initially but then I got too angry and upset and over-analyzy (if ya know what I mean) in the period afterward...when he was trying to be friendly again. I have a feeling that if asked he would say something like "well I wanted to be good friends again but she just wasn't willing or able." Though maybe I do him an injustice there. Or maybe it really is that simple for guys?

I currently live in Dublin, where all this happened...well the good thing about living in Dublin right now is I'm going to see U2 tomorrow, woo hoo!!!! But I am moving to London next month, after living here three years. And though I'm more excited about going to London than about leaving Dublin, in some ways I'm glad I'm leaving. I think I just really need a fresh start because this past year seemed to end up a good deal harder than it should have been...mainly because of this situation.